_As part of my New Years resolution to drop a few pounds--a resolution which has been slow-going, to say the least--my DGF and I decided to join a gym.  I've had gym memberships before, and sometimes I've been good about using them; other times I haven't.  (Bizarrely, the likelihood that I will use a gym seems to be inversely correlated with the gym's niceness.)

I'm an afternoon or evening workout person.  Working out in the morning makes me feel virtuous, with a nice post-exercise buzz, but the habit doesn't stick.  Turns out I'd rather loll about in pajamas (on days I work from home) or drive grudgingly to work, down some coffee, and allow my mind to wake at roughly the pace of a banana slug.  I covet the virtuosity of Morning People.  I spent a brief time as a Morning Person in college, cheerfully forgoing Jell-o shots so I could go to sleep at eleven, wake up at six, lift weights, and run a mile.  I have no idea what got into me, and no idea where it escaped to.

All of this is to explain that although I've worked out at gyms in the past, I've never needed to change clothes there.  I either change at the office or wear gym clothes under my work clothes.  Then right after I work out, I just drive straight home.

But this new gym we've joined has a pool.  And for some reason, I have been obsessed with the idea that I want to swim.  I do not have a swimmer's physique, nor am I particularly good at it.  But surfing is on my bucket list and I need to be in better swimming shape if I want to surf before I hit 40.  Also, I recently read Haruki Murakami's South of the Border, West of the Sun (which I liked very much), and the main character is always swimming to clear his mind.  Murakami himself also swims, and I am presently a little obsessed with Haruki Murakami, so my burgeoning interest in swimming makes a fuzzy kind of sense.

Anyway, since I don't want to drive home sopping wet after a swim, I need to use the locker room at this new gym.  I hate changing in front of other people.  It's totally uncomfortable and I avoid it when I can, sometimes even changing in the shower stall.  But whatever.  I'm an adult.  I can handle being embarrassed about my body or my half-nakedness or my brilliantly white day-glo upper arms.  Here's the part I didn't anticipate but should have: some women are weirded out by seeing a butch in the locker room. They don't read me as male, but correctly read me as a dyke, and some of them kind of stare and look uncomfortable.

Honestly, I don't blame them.  One of the main rationales for having separate men's and women's locker rooms  (along with the safety issue) is that people want to be able to change their clothing without worrying about being looked at as sexual objects.  I get this.  And since I'm obviously a lesbian, some of them probably feel that it's a little like having a guy in the locker room. 

Even those who are quite progressive (and there are many of them at this gym), and don't blink at seeing a lesbian couple hold hands on the street may feel uneasy when there's a dyke in the locker room, because it makes them uncomfortable to think I might be looking at them in a sexual way (which I'm not).

So far, my basic strategy has been to try to make myself as small and unobtrusive as possible.  I avert my eyes and position my entire body away from the other women.  I guess this has worked okay so far, but it still makes me *and* them uncomfortable.  And probably one of these days, I'm going to get told, "This is the women's locker room!"  I guess I *could* wear tight pink T-shirts or lavender capris sweatpants things to announce my girlness, but, uh, that's not going to happen. 

I know I have just as much right to be there as everyone else and yada yada yada.  But for me, the issue is not about being ashamed to be a butch or not wanting to hold my head up high, or anything like that.  Just as *I* have a right to feel comfortable in the locker room, so do they. 

I'd really prefer to allow everyone to be as comfortable as possible.  I don't *want* to ignore their discomfort.  After all, I would feel totally uncomfortable if there was a guy in the locker room.  Not because he looks different from me, or because I think he's going to do anything he shouldn't, but simply because he is sexually attracted to women and I am a woman.

Have any of you other butches ever felt uncomfortable in a locker room?  How do you deal with it?  Just keep your head down and your gaze averted?  Or is there a magical approach I haven't figured out yet?

(Update: Wendi at A Stranger in This Place had a great post on this last year!)

_Last week, I received an email that brings up some self-presentation issues many of you have asked about.  This version of the email is slightly edited (for length, and--at her request--to protect this person's anonymity).  Androgynous Advocate writes:


A few times per week, I'm mistaken for a child. Since becoming a lawyer, the situation has gotten worse, especially in court.  Today, in preparation for my first upcoming trial, I decided to go to court to see what a trial is actually like. I asked the court officer (a fairly strapping butch) for permission to observe and she granted it.  But I guess she never informed the judge, because the judge made attempts to figure out who I was, including: "I see we have a 'little person' over there waiting. Does HE belong to any of you?"

I pretended I didn't know she was talking about me. After all, I am not a small boy so why should I answer?  But to add salt to the wound, the court officer got up and ambled across the courtroom to whisper to me: "Not only did the judge think you were a kid, but she called you a boy!" At this, I turned bright red and almost broke down into tears (but held it together).

Later, the judge inquired again and I told her I was an attorney observing (I was wearing a suit, pink button down, and even some makeup). She apologized for the mistake about my age but omitted the whole gender error.  This leads me to my question: I recently got a pixie cut.  I love my super short hair; it's easy to deal with and feels totally freeing.  But I've had to take a bit of shit about it.  My grandmother gave me a long talk about how long hair is more "becoming" and "feminine."  An ex and I even had a huge fight over my short hair, in part, because she felt it was unfeminine (though she later clarified that the fight was about more than just the hair).

Even though I love short hair, it bothers me when people lament my not being feminine enough. It's not like I want to be perceived as super feminine (I feel very androgynous on a personality level) but I don't like when people see my lack of femininity as a liability.  For whatever reason, being mistaken for a pre-adolescent male distresses me, and I wonder if it might be less likely to happen if i suck it up and grow my hair out a bit. Or should I embrace this characterization? If someone thought I was a man it might not be so bad but regressing to age 10-12 is tough when you're trying to prove yourself in court. Have you ever been tempted to change something about yourself so you fit more easily into "the institution" (for me, the courtroom)?


Dear Androgynous Advocate:

First of all, I feel your pain!  Yes, I think most of us butchy/andro types have felt pressured to change something about ourselves to blend in with some kind of institution: school, work, family, etc.  I've written about the wisdom of doing this at various times, and it's never an easy balance.  As I see it, you've got multiple questions, so I'll try to break my answer into parts.

Professional life first.  Re: the little person comment: OMG wow.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  If I was in your shoes, I'd have been just as flustered as you were!  Good for you for keeping it together.  The judge was probably mortified (I sure hope so), and I suspect that the butch court officer was trying to commiserate, not to make you feel bad, since she probably knows all too well how irritating those kinds of mistakes can be.

In your professional life, you need to be respected as a professional.  Once you get established, people won't make these mistakes anymore (and they'll correct each other).  But in the meantime, you need t to be taken seriously.  So on first impression, it would be nice if they didn't think you were a boy-child.  If I were you, I'd take measures to minimize this.  You could always dye your hair grey and go to court as a little old woman--that would be kind of awesome.  But here are some better ideas:

1. Wear a brooch.  I hate wearing brooches, but middle-aged women wear them.  Young boys do not.
2. Wear pearls.  You don't have to wear them *all* the time, just the first time you meet someone.  All middle-aged female lawyers seem to own pearls.  Unless the judge mistakes the string of pearls for a puka shell necklace, pearls will help you exude "competent woman" vibes.
3. Carry a briefcase.  A nice one.  When you sit down, place it prominently on your lap.  Whip out a legal pad and nice pen, too, even if you don't need to write anything down.
   
4. Wear large earrings.  Big gold hoops are very middle-aged-woman.  Or bracelets.  Like bangles (shudder).
5. Wear a "shell" under your suit jacket.  These are those shirts that don't have collars.  They basically look like this, and are sort of like T-shirts with a much lower neck but made out of silky material. 
   

I hope one or two of these approaches won't be too odious for you.  Yes, I've been tempted to change for an institution.  I finally started wearing ties, but it took a long time before I felt like I wasn't being stared at. And just walking around my workplace, I still get stared at sometimes.  At one of my old jobs, I wore a girl-suit and hated it.  Basically I'm now convinced that as long as it doesn't compromise my reputation or clients or anything, the institution has to tolerate ME, not the other way around.  But it's incredibly situation-dependent.

As for your more personal dilemma regarding short hair...  so many butches deal with this at some point!  Don't all our grandmothers think we look more feminine (and thus, better) with short hair?  I think that most people are so steeped in gender norms that they don't know what they believe.  They just think girls are supposed to have long hair.  And you are a girl.  And when you have long hair you more closely match their idea of what a girl is "supposed" to be.  So they say things about how long hair "frames your face" or whatever.  But you know what, Androgynous Advocate?  Screw their opinions.  It's your head, not theirs, and they don't get to choose.  They'll get used to it and eventually stop bothering you (or you'll stop caring).  But it's a big deal that you find short hair "freeing."  Even if you decide to make some compromises about your professional appearance, in your personal life, you get to be you. 

Love,
BW

_Rachel Maddow and her partner, Susan Mikula (both pictured left) are 15 years apart.  So are Ellen and Portia.  My DGF and I also have an age gap of over a decade.  While May-December (or even May-October) romances can present occasional challenges, they can also be awesome. 

How big of an age difference is too big?

The unofficial formula is the "half your age plus seven" rule.  So if you're 30, the rule goes, the youngest person you should date is 22 (since 30/2 = 15, and 15+7 = 22).  When you're 44, the cutoff would be 29.  At 58, it would be 36, and so on.  And while this is a silly formula, it reveals an interesting truth: the older you get, the less age differences matter.  An 18-year-old and a 32-year-old are 14 years apart, but these 14 years encompass a huge gap in experiences.  Take those same 14 years, 30 years later, and you've got a 48-year-old and a 62-year-old.  Sure, there are still some differences, but the gap has definitely shrunk.

Age gaps tend to be more accepted in the queer community than they are in general.  Maybe this is because we're already doing something that differs from the norm, so an age difference on top of it is just icing on the deviance cake.  Or maybe it has to do with the gendered tendency in age differences among heterosexual couples.  Demi and Ashton notwithstanding, the "older man, younger woman" scenario is much more common than the reverse.  This pattern tends to reinforce gender inequalities and stereotypes in a way that queer relationships can't.  Or maybe it has something to do with child-rearing.  On average, fewer queers (especially gay men) have kids, so maybe people care less about age gaps when no little kidlets are involved.

As far as I'm concerned, barring illegality, there's no such thing as an age difference being "too big" unless it presents problems for the couple.  The bigger the differences, the more potential problems.  But the key word is potential.  Particular problems may or may not materialize for any given couple.  Here are a few of the most common ones:

• Differences in energy levels.  If one partner wants to climb mountains and the other can barely climb stairs, this may be an Issue.  Of course, age doesn't necessarily dictate energy levels.  My mom told me recently about her 70-something friend who was complaining one day about being sore.  My mom thought, "Oh, that poor thing...  the aches and pains of getting old."  But then the woman continued, "I really need to avoid doing my five-mile hikes on consecutive days"(!).
  
• Health problems.  The older you get, the more likely you are to have health problems.  This is a generality, but on average, it's true.  If you end up with someone much older than you are, chances are that your partner will face a serious health concern before you do.  This worry may or may not be a deal breaker.  My DGF asked me once, "Are you going to want to change my diapers in 30 years?"  My answer: "If we've been together for 30 years, of course I'll change your diapers."
  
• Cultural differences.  Maybe you grew up on "Barney," but she remembers "Captain Kangaroo."  Maybe you slow-danced to Color Me Badd in sixth grade, while she danced to it at her first marriage.  These kinds of cultural differences can be funny, bizarre, or depressing--it all depends how you interpret them.  Personally, I love that my DGF and I were raised in different decades.  It gives us even more to learn from each other.  Sounds trite, but it's true.
  
• Life Stages.  Like differences in health, life stages are correlated with age.  (But "are correlated" doesn't mean "correspond perfectly.")  If one of you is hitting your stride in your career and the other is just starting grad school, it may take a little extra effort to appreciate where your sweetheart's at.
  

Bottom line: Age is not "all in your head"--but what you make of it is.  It's a factor that may or may not have important implications.  Like differences of religion, social class, or cultural background, it's worth taking seriously to help you understand and strengthen your relationship.

Six Relationship Tips for Couples with Age Differences:

1. Hang out with other couples that are both your ages.  If one of you is 31 and the other is 49, make sure to spend time with couples in their early thirties and in their mid-to-late forties.  This way, neither of you will feel habitually left out because of age, and you might also gain some additional perspective about your partner by seeing where her peers are at, what interests them, etc.  (You might also try hanging out with people whose ages or lifestyles are very different from both of yours--it will underscore how much you have in common!)
   
2. Don't cast your own age as superior.  If you're the older partner, a "been there, done that" attitude toward your partner's experiences is not useful.  Maybe you have extra insight, but that doesn't mean you know everything there is to know about your partner's situation.  Similarly, if you're the younger partner, don't assume you're inherently cooler or more savvy.  Treat each other as equals.  Your own experience is not better or more valid simply because it happened more recently (or longer ago).  And relatedly:
   
3. Embrace your different experiences.  Talk about each others' childhoods, music preferences, school experiences, etc.  You have a lot to learn from each other.  Be open to each others' cultural preferences.  Maybe this means you take turns deciding what movie to watch or what music to listen to.  Try to understand and appreciate your partner's aesthetic sensibilities, even if you don't always share them.
4. Talk about your goals.  This is good advice for all couples, but it's especially important for May-December (or even July-October) pairs.  Do you want to have kids?  Buy a house?  Retire?  Travel?  Make sure your partner knows what's important to you, and where you see yourself in one year, or five, or ten.  Just because someone is 39 doesn't mean her biological clock is ticking, and just because someone is 22 doesn't mean she wants to go clubbing.  Make sure your ideas about your partner's goals and desires don't rest on assumptions.
   
5. Listen to everyone else, then ignore them.  Your daughter may be uncomfortable that you're dating someone her age.  Your friends may not see why you'd be with a woman who hasn't gone dancing since Tribe 8 was hot.  They may openly question your motives, or your partner's motives, or your sanity.  Listen to their concerns, answer their questions, and completely disregard their judgments.  Only you know what makes you happy.  
6. Don't hide your partner away.  To avoid people's judgments and criticism, it may be tempting not to socialize with your partner as much as you might if you were the same age.  Early in the relationship, fine: you want to make sure it's working for you.  But once you see that it is, don't hesitate to show your partner around town and introduce her to your friends and family.  If she makes you happy, the people who really care about you will eventually recognize this, and will get to know your partner for who she is.
   

Your turn, readers: have you ever been in a relationship with an age difference?  Did the age gap bring any special perks or challenges?  What do you think about big age differences in relationships?

_Gay Within the Gay Community

When I first came out, I quickly understood two things: (1) I was butch; (2) I was interested in butch women.  It took me a few months to realize that the co-occurrence of these two things was a bit unusual.  I read dozens of online profiles in which devastatingly attractive butches proclaimed their desire to find a femme who could "balance" them. 

I hope my loyal readers will forgive me for this, but back then, I really didn't understand butch-femme relationships.  Wasn't a big perk of being a lesbian to get away from gender roles? Why would anyone want a relationship that replicated heterosexuality?  Of course, this is silly; butch-femme relationships aren't "replicating" heterosexuality any more than my butch DGF and I are "replicating" a homosexual male relationship.  When two phenomena are similar, sloppy thinking can lead to the conclusion that the less culturally privileged one is imitating the other.  I was engaged in sloppy thinking.

Anyway, the lack of butch-loving butches to date led me to give femmes a whirl.  But dating femmes felt a lot like dating men: it was something I was supposed to like, but it felt strange and unnatural.  It just wasn't me.  (The main upside to dating femmes seemed to be that it was easier to find my clothes on the floor next to theirs!)

So I resigned myself to the fact that I was the rare butch who is into other butchy/boi/andro types.  I found plenty of butch-femme socials and butch-femme mixers, but no butch-butch ones.  And there were all kinds of informal social sanctions for cruising other butches.  It was a little like being gay within the gay community.  This is reinforced by the fact that some people call butch-loving-butches "fag butches."


Butch-Butch Interviews

I've had several readers ask about butch-butch relationships (whether they want to be in one or not).  Since this is an object of such intense curiosity, I thought I'd give it some attention.  I interviewed 10 butches who are currently in a relationship with another butch, and another five who are single and looking to date other butches.


Opposites Don't Always Attract: How Butch-Butch Couples Meet

Almost universally, the butches I interviewed said that it's difficult to find butchy types who want to date other butchy types.  In fact, one of them (who lives in New York City) called it a "dating nightmare."  Even butches who are open to dating other butches don't always end up doing so, since it's easier to find femme dates.  Dating online widens your dating pool, and the majority of my respondents met their partners this way.  The handful of butch-butch couples who met in person did so at a bar, a dinner, or through a mutual friend.  Personally, I met my DGF through one of those dorky "come meet other lesbians" dinners (and I was only there because my DXH forced me to go). 

When two butches are attracted to each other, they can be terribly shy about making the first move, and may assume that there's no mutual attraction.  To carry the gay male metaphor further: if a straight guy hits on a lesbian and gets rejected, he doesn't lose face.  It's just a bummer.  But if a gay guy hits on a straight guy and gets rejected, there's more at stake.  The straight guy might interpret it as a threat to his masculinity.  This puts the gay guy in a more vulnerable position than the straight guy.  Same deal with butches.  Hit on a butch who is only into femmes, and you may find yourself subject to a negative rebuff (which, in turn, can wound your own butch pride).  Chelsie writes, "[Telling] my butch friends what I'm attracted to was a mini version of coming out of the closet." 

Added to this is the machismo two butches can exude when they meet each other.  Sometimes they puff out their chests and shake hands as if to say, "Yeah, we're both women who are into woman, but to each other we're bros, not sex objects."  As K told me, "if [a butch] has got her 'cool suit' on, as so many butches do, it can be impossible to read her."  Stacy described something similar: "There is something that I call a 'Butch Barrier' (and no, it's not a dental dam) because it's hard to get close to other butches...  I think it makes dating even harder.  Plus some butches are totally turned off by the thought of another butch."

_Advice for Single Butch-Loving Butches

AJ and Jo: "Just because someone looks all butch and uber tough doesn't mean they always have the confidence and personality to match...  Go up and introduce yourself and talk and listen, see where it goes from there." 

K: "[S]tart by talking to them as friends... There are not a lot of constructs of behaviors for butches interested in butches, because... it's pretty rare and unexplored (in available writings, at least -- I have no doubt that the butch-loving butches have been finding each other since way before Stonewall).

Jess: "The idea of butch/butch is not always accepted in our community, but don't give up... When I didn't think I was going to find someone, Beth came into my life and changed it forever."

Z: "To another butch/boi who wants to date another butch/boi but is having trouble finding dates, I say, don't give up. First you gotta put out to the universe what you are looking for... Put an ad on Craigslist, be specific... Try some online forums/bulletin boards, go to a gay bookstore and hang out getting to know people. Someone will know someone who is single and looking to date. Put the word out."

__eL: "[B]e social, friendly, talk to people that you find attractive... and if you do go out, please dance!  A butch dancing is a sexy thing - don't be so shy!"

LG: "Try dating older butches."

K: "If she grins at you nonstop at [a] party... that is a promising signal to go ahead and flirt with her...  think of this uncharted territory as Your Territory: One of the few areas of your life that can be untainted by stereotypes, assumptions, and stupid old American Puritanism."

KT: "Sometimes a butch thinks she isn't attracted to other butches, but then she meets you and whammo.  Also sometimes people are more attracted to mannerisms than physical appearance.  I dress more masculine than my partner but am more effeminate in my gestures.  If I was gruff or traditionally masculine, she probably wouldn't have been interested in me."

Donnie: "Keep trying, it's out there, you just have to look harder.  There are online butch/butch dating sites such as www.butchboi.com."

K.D: "Don't be afraid to let your feelings be known. I feel like there are more butches that want to date butches out there but because of societal norms many are afraid to say it.  Speak up, perhaps another butch has a crush on you but they think you only dates femmes so they are being reserved."

Becca: "I have known people who have had good luck finding this kind of thing online, but that has never been the case for me.  I usually wind up dating butches who I am friends with first."

O: "In my experience butches are never as hard and tough as you might think they would be...everybody just wants to be loved, so dont be shy, never know if you don't try."


Hope you're enjoying this little butch-butch exposé.  Tomorrow: Butch-butch relationships, part II.  Who wears the...  pants?  And more!

A huge thank you to the wonderful butches who let me interview them: AJ and Jo, K (aka Chopper) and Z (aka Zed), eL, LG and KT, Donnie, Becca and K.D., Jess and Beth, O, Stacy, Chelsie, Lisa and Jennie, and a handful of others who preferred to remain anonymous. 

In one form or another, I've gotten the following question from three different readers in the last week:

Help, my girlfriend says she's trans!  What do I do?

From the tone of the questions I've received, I'm going to assume that: (1) this is somewhat of a surprise, and that (2) at least at first blink, you are unsure how you feel about it, and/or what her transition means for your relationship.  (BTW, I'm going to use female pronouns because this is what the question-askers used.)  Here are some tips to help you navigate:

IN THE SHORTER TERM

1. Remember how hard coming out as queer was?  Your partner took a lot of courage in coming out to you as trans.  Appreciate her honesty, and say so.  This can't have been easy.
2. Try not to react immediately.  There are a million things going through your head, but immediately blurting out, "I'll leave you if you become a guy" is probably not going to help either of you.
3. Listen.  "Trans" means different things to different people.  Maybe she's going to bind or get top surgery, but use female pronouns.  Maybe she'll take testosterone.  Maybe not.  Don't assume you know what she means.  Don't even assume she knows what she means.  She may still be exploring this.  Maybe she's transsexual.  Maybe transgender.  Maybe genderqueer.  Maybe she's female but wants top surgery.
4. Don't assume it's a phase.  Don't assume it's not a phase.   
   
5. Try not to say things like, "But I love your breasts!" or, "I just like you the way you are."  This is likely to induce guilt.
   

IN THE LONGER TERM

1. Keep listening.  How are her feelings about being trans evolving?  What is she thinking?  Is it causing her a lot of stress?  How does she think it will affect your relationship? 
2. You are not obligated to stay with her.  You are not being a sexist jerk if you break up over her transition.  You have a right to be happy and comfortable in a relationship--just like she has a right to be comfortable in her own skin.  Your comfort in your identity and her comfort in hers may or may not continue to be compatible. 
   
3. Relatedly, try to prioritize her realization of her identity above your relationship with her.  This is hard.  But your relationship or friendship is going to be stronger if she gets to express her true self--and in the long term, this will be healthier for both of you.  Couples' counseling may help with this.
4. Be supportive.  Learn as much about trans issues as you can.  Read up about the emotional issues and bodily changes associated with things like taking testosterone or getting top surgery.  It will help to know what's coming.  If she switches to male pronouns or chooses a new name, remind friends if they forget to use these.
   
5. Take care of yourself.  This is a huge deal in her life, but it's a huge deal in yours, too.  Express your thoughts and feelings.  Find ways to release stress.  Get a good therapist.  Look after your mental health. 
   

For those of you who have been through this, what worked?  What didn't?

Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, which means that if you want to order any gifts online, you have to do so now to get them in time for the weekend.  After trying to find something good for my grandparents--and then realizing I had to order one-day shipping--it occurred to me that some of you, dear readers, might be facing last-minute online shopping challenges, too.  Here are ideas for grandparents, bosses, aunts, uncles, college roommates, and other people you love dearly but don't see often enough to know what they'd like.  I'm only including items that you can still order in time for Christmas.

_1. Gift baskets.  Who doesn't love receiving a little bounty of snacks?  One of my favorites under $50 is this 1950s Retro Candy Box ($34.99, pictured left), which includes Necco Wafers, Chick O' Sticks, Choward's, and other sugary blasts from the past.  And, for aunts and grandmas who love girlie stuff, check out this Victorian Lace Tea, Spa & Treats Clock Gift Chest ($64.60), which includes candles, lotion, bath gel, and more--all in a wooden chest inlaid with a working clock.

2. Tea Chests and Tea Sets.  A classy gift that's hard not to like, tea chests come in a variety of styles.  Try to get some brand of tea that isn't stocked at your local grocery store.  I recommend this Wissotzky 60 Dessert Flavored Teas in an Ebony Tea Chest ($29.99).  Tea sets are good bets, too.   I like this cool Japanese one ($68.95, pictured right).  If that's out of your price range, how about a simple infuser/mug set ($19.53)?

3. Gift Cards.  These are also kind of impersonal, but they'll do in a pinch.  Plus, don't you love receiving them? This one from Amazon features free one-day shipping.  It's even better than cash, because you feel obligated to spend it on something fun.  You can also get something more specific, like a certificate to their favorite restaurant or movie tickets. 

4. A Coffee Table Book.  These serve a bunch of purposes: showcasing great photography, impressing guests, and messing up orderly bookshelves by being wider than all the other books.  You can find these on virtually any topic, from 1960s surf photography to Andy Goldsworthy's nature-centered art (pictured left) to the history of New York City to (brace yourself) hipster puppies.  There's also a whole genre of amusing websites now available in book form, such as a compilation of hilariously wrong test answers, passive-aggressive notes, and Cake Wrecks.  Think of them as the Harold and Kumar of coffee table books.

5.  Board games are always a hit with families.  Think Apples to Apples, Bananagrams, Cranium, or a classic like Scattergories (my longtime favorite) or Pictionary. 

Okay, you have less than 15 hours left...  shop like the wind, butches!

If you grew up celebrating Christmas, the holiday that used to bring you unbridled joy may now bring a big ol' dollop of mixed emotions.  When we were kids, Christmas was less complicated.  After all, what can top the idea of a benevolent, costumed, bearded man leaving gifts while you sleep?  (Hmm, come to think of it, that sounds like something a gay man dreamed up.)  But if you're like me, somewhere along the way, Christmas stopped being so easy.  Note: if you're totally stoked about the holidays this year, this entry doesn't apply to you: go have a cup of eggnog or something.

My own mixed feelings about Christmas have to do with divorce, with people I miss, and with various types of guilt.  For others of you, it has to do with a falling out with your parents, or with the death of someone you love, or with the frustration of having to pretend to be someone you're not.  These aren't exactly thoughts you can bring up at the office holiday party.  Instead, they're the kind of things that hit you when you're in line at the drugstore at 9:30 pm with a box of Red Vines in one hand and a bottle of zin in the other (just hypothetically, of course), and "The Little Drummer Boy" starts blaring from the store speakers, and--BOOM--a wave of Holiday Depression.

The first thing to know about Holiday Depression is that you're not alone.  Lots of people deal with it; they just don't talk about it.  The second thing to know about Holiday Depression is that it passes.  Don't let yourself think that your unhappiness during the holidays is somehow symbolic of the shortcomings of your life more generally.  Because this is not true.  Holidays are the time of year when the highest number of people report feeling depressed.  You will feel a hell of a lot better in January.  I promise. 

A few quick fixes for dealing with a sudden wallop of Holiday Depression:
-    Lay on the couch.  Put your headphones on and listen to the least holiday-ish music you can think of.  Angry, not sad.  I recommend Tool, Rage Against the Machine, or whatever the current equivalent of that stuff is.
-    Open up Pandora and create a "Suzanne Westenhoefer" station.  Listen.
-    Start planning a trip for somewhere you're going to go in 2012.
-    Write to me.  Ask me anything.  Or tell me something you don't feel like telling anyone else.
-    Do a project that involves plants or animals.  Personally, I love paperwhites, and they're only about $1 each for the bulbs.  You can grow them in anything and it's mesmerizing. 
-    Buy yourself a new watch, or some other stylish thing that you will look awesome in.  My DGF (and others) call this "shopping therapy." 
-    Clean your whole house.  Rearrange stuff that's been bothering you.  It will distract you, let your mind wander, and make you feel like you accomplished something.
-    Go for a walk or a run--anything that gets you outdoors.  Don't come back until you're exhausted.  Then take a nice hot shower.

These are only temporary fixes, but sometimes a quick fix is all we need to get us over the hump.  So let's hear from you: Do you ever get hit with Holiday Depression?  And what do you do about it?