As you know, I enjoy wearing queer themed t-shirts.  And I'm not the only one!  Two awesome BW fans in SF (who contributed to this entry, btw) have created this "JUDGE ME" T-shirt to help keep the DOMA and Prop 8 Marriage Equality debates centered on the LGBTQ community and our allies. 

They're donating all proceeds to a combo of important charities: the Human Rights Campaign, SF's LGBTQ Community Center, and Lyric, a Queer youth empowerment program.  (Check out the video.)  There are only TWO DAYS left in their campaign and, with your help, I think we can push them over their goal.  Whaddaya say? 

When I started this blog, I swore that I was never going to apologize for not posting frequently enough.  I'll just post whenever I want, I thought.  It's not like I'm going to feel guilty if I don't.

Well, I'm going to go back on my word: sorry it's been so long since I posted!  A few things have happened in the last month-ish of time that have taken me away from blogging.  Want to know what they are?

• Someone I respect immensely recommended a job to me that I wouldn't have considered on my own.  Now I've applied and have that kind of excitement that buzzes around in your head and throat and prevents you from doing anything useful.  I'm not sure if I'm more scared that I won't get the job, or that I will.  Either way, it's shaken things up in a way that is not at all unpleasant.
• I am taking two classes, just for fun.  Haven't done this in a while.  Readings!  Homework!  Papers!  It's madness, I tell you!
• My DGF and I turned some kind of indefinable "corner" and I feel closer to her than ever. 
  
• I broke my foot and it has to be in an "air cast" for two more weeks.  Then I get another x-ray.  And only then am I allowed to even think about getting back to hiking.  Gah!
  
• My DXH and his DGF are engaged!  Whoa!  I am immensely happy for both of them and excited because they are totally happy and make a phenomenal couple.  (Actually, they got engaged more than a month ago, but they sent me their wedding website the other day, and that was when I realized: OMG.  They're getting married!)
• I met Butch on Tap when she took a work-related trip to my neck of the woods.  It was fun!  We agreed that we are officially friends, and I'm hoping we'll collaborate on some stuff in the future.  Stay tuned...
• I thought lot about the gay marriage arguments, listened to the oral argument in Windsor, and started to write a couple of different pieces about it, none of which came to fruition because they all devolved into rambling about how much I admire people like Edie Windsor, and how grateful I am to the LGBTQ folks who paved the way for us.

So there it is, dear readers; you're totally caught up on my life.

Now stay tuned for our regularly scheduled programming...

Mad 4 Equality is on!  I'm partnering with Bess Sadler and the Feral Librarian (pictured left as a sports-loving dyke-in-training) to run a women's and a men's tourney to benefit the Trevor Project and the Campaign for Southern Equality. 

Fill out your women's bracket before the first game on Saturday, and the men's before Thursday's game tips off.  Winner gets 1/3 of the pot!

We'll also be giving prizes for creativity, so don’t be shy about entering your best theme-based bracket (e.g., cutest mascot or gayest coach).

Remember the questions I posed to you a few months ago?  Here are three interesting answers to one of the toughest ones:

"Describe how some other identity you have (race, religion, social class, whatever) interacts with your sexual orientation."

Response #1 (From Kyle at Butchtastic):

The intersections of my ethnicity, class, educational background, age with my gender identity and butchness is an area of great fascination for me.  I’ve really been looking at these intersections in earnest in the past couple of years.  I know that I receive privilege in some circumstances because of my age, because I’m white, and sometimes because of my masculinity, even if people don’t perceive me to be male.  So how have those elements of my identity interacted with my sexual orientation?

First off, it’s queer--my orientation, that is.  I use "queer" because listing all the aspects of orientation for my male and female sides takes several words: bisexual, lesbian, faggot, even straight... well ok, never "straight."  Even if my female side hooked up with a cis man... it would still be queer sex.  I haven’t examined these intersectionalities really at all. 

My socioeconomic class has definitely had an impact on where I live, the people I meet through work, shopping, activities, and walking around the neighborhood. I more easily relate to people who have backgrounds similar to mine in terms of class, education, religion, race.  But none of that is really about my sexual orientation.

I guess I’ll have to think about that more.  It's a good question.  I gave up religion when I was 13, before coming out as a lesbian, so that didn’t end up having much impact.  Growing up in an aspiring middle class family meant I was given a lot of freedom of expression and association, even though my parents were not happy when I came out to them at 17.  They didn’t limit me to only befriending particular classes or categories, nor did they try to hook me up with boys.


Response #2 (From "BT"):

Being a Christian is by far the identity that interacts most with my sexual orientation and until very recently my Christian identity was a big, mean, nasty bully to my butch lesbian identity. I have known in some form or another that I am a lesbian since I was four-years-old and I also have been a Christian since around that time. The two identities were at war within me from the time I was 4 until I was 27.

When I was 17, I let my lesbian self have the upper hand for a little while but all that did was spiral me into a deeper depression and greater self-loathing for the next ten years. The guilt and shame almost took me to my grave. I was at the point where it finally clicked that if I didn’t accept every bit of who I am I would be miserable for the rest of my life.

But how could I be a Christian and a lesbian? I basically had tried everything I possibly could to change my sexual orientation, even my own version of the dreaded conversion therapy. Nothing worked. It was clear to me that I must have been born this way. If it had just been childhood trauma or whatever else I was telling myself then the therapy would have changed my homosexual tendencies. So now I have finally accepted the grace that Jesus has extended to me. I have given grace to myself. I am accepted and loved no matter what. I can’t say that the two identities are in perfect balance now, I still have a ways to go but the battle has finally ended. After 23 years, my Christian and lesbian identities have embraced and I am no longer a person torn in two.

Response #3 (From "KH"):

I am a seminarian working on my Masters of Divinity hoping to become an Episcopal priest when I graduate from seminary. The identity of being an Episcopal seminarian plays a major role in my life. While the Episcopal church is very accepting of LGBT folks, ordaining gays, performing same-sex blessings and marriages, etc., I am still faced everyday with the question of how out can I be/do I want to be to my classmates and Bishop. I am from a Midwestern state, so my bishop and my diocese isn't necessarily as liberal as in other parts of the country.

It seems like when you are out in seminary you become that "token lesbian" who can or is expected to answer theological questions for the entire community. Also, attending seminary in southern Tennessee, I was the first out lesbian that several of my classmates had met. Everyone had met a gay man before, but not a lesbian. One of my classmates said to me the first couple of weeks we were here, "To southerners, gay men aren't scary. But lesbians, they scare us. We don't know or understand how they work, dress, have sex, etc."

It has been interesting to see how people interact with me because I break a lot of the labels that are given to lesbians in the south and break what they have heard about us and believe. But I love that my classmates are so open minded and give me a chance to be who I am without putting a label on me.

I also feel like a lot of the time the lesbian community isn't sure how to react to me/handle me either. It isn't every day that you meet a lesbian who is a soft butch that wants to become a priest. The LGBT community also doesn't always feel the love from the religious community. Many churches treat our community horribly. But it should teach us that we don't always like the labels that come with being a lesbian, so we shouldn't label a church without knowing something about them first either.

I am proud of who I am and the identity I have as a lesbian and as a seminarian.

Butch Wonders is teaming up with the Campaign for Southern Equality and a few other folks to host a March Madness NCAA tournament for charity!  Here are some deets:

• $10/bracket to enter (it will be for the regular tournament.  Maybe we'll also do something for the men's tournament--not sure yet)
• No limit on number of brackets 
• Proceeds will be split between: (1) The winner(s); (2) The Campaign for Southern Equality; (3) An LGBTQ organization chosen by BW readers.
• You don't have to know anything about basketball to enter. We may even have a prize for the best "themed bracket" (where you pick the winners based on some arbitrary-but-amusing trait, like how cute the mascot is or how many of your exes attended the school).
  

So what I need from you is a suggestion for a great LGBTQ organization this tourney could benefit. Please put your suggestion, and your reason for thinking the charity is awesome, in the comments.

On Monday, I'll post a poll based on your suggestions, and BW readers will get to vote on which charity we'll support!

More details to follow.  I'm looking forward to your suggestions!  (And if you feel compelled to tweet this, which I hope you will, use #mad4equality.)

I'm excited to share this guest post from a BW reader who's working as a Peace Corps volunteer.  I hope you enjoy her insights as much as I did!  For reasons that this piece makes clear, she's chosen to remain anonymous.  


Discovering the Lesbian Underground in Rural South America

Peace Corps is a two-year commitment to do development work in impoverished countries.  I am an Agricultural Peace Corps Volunteer (PCV) in South America. My site is a very rural, impoverished, and conservative village in a conservative country. 

I generally present myself as androgynous.  Short hair, comfortable clothing, and a slim build make this easy.  I didn’t tell my Peace Corps recruiter about my sexual orientation, but I scoured the internet trying to find information on queer life in the small, culturally isolated country to which I was assigned (and on the experiences of queer PCVs worldwide).  To my dismay, I found little information.  The Peace Corps welcomes queer PCVs, but warns that in many countries they will have to stay closeted—sometimes to work smoothly with host country counterparts, but frequently for the safety of the PVC.

In my village, miles away from paved roads, surrounded by banana and pineapple crops, I am very deeply in the closet. I still dress androgynously, but I have not, and likely will not, tell anyone in my community the direction in which my romantic interests generally lie – the señoras trying to match me up with their sons don’t know how much of an uphill battle they face. Due to my unfeminine hair and clothing, I also receive far fewer cat calls and less sexual harassment than other female volunteers.

After working with men in the community to rebuild a wall of my house, someone joked that a "man" would be moving in: me.  This comment from a community member made me anxious, and led me to worry about every interaction—to an unhealthy extent.  Indeed, my self-censorship has been one of the most stressful parts of being here. I am fearful that they will “guess,” but I actually haven’t altered much. I don't change my appearance or flirt with men, though I certainly don’t flirt with women in my site either.  My second year, I’ve loosened up because I know the people in the village, and they know me. For example, when señoras would ask me if I had a boyfriend I used to say, “not right now,” but now I say, “I don’t need a boyfriend.” It’s a small, but significant, difference.

One of my queer volunteer friends says that this is a country of “open secrets:” Secrets everyone knows, but tacitly agrees not to talk about. It makes me wonder, am I living an open secret too? Is it possible everyone in my site knows and are electing to keep quiet?

One of the biggest personal changes I have experienced here is the role my sexual identity plays in my sense of self.  Like many people in their mid-twenties from accepting backgrounds, I never viewed my orientation as a big deal.  However, here in rural South America, I needed to hide this part of myself for the first time in my life… so it has become more important.  I am open with other volunteers and the Peace Corps support staff in-country, but I miss being in an active queer community.

Once every month or two, I travel to the country’s capital to get mail and to socialize with other PCVs.  If possible, we visit one of the few gay bars in the whole country. Unsurprisingly, it’s usually full of gay men.  However, after a conversation with a posse of local gay men looking out for me, we got directions, scrawled on the back of a napkin, to a rumored lesbian bar.  It was months before we found the place.  When we finally did, we discovered that we had to get past the guards, ring the bell, and wait for someone to come unlock the door. They’re only open one night a week, but have information regarding human rights campaigns, queer film festivals, and Pride activities.  Despite their limited hours, it was nice to know that such a locale existed.

However, I still needed a queer community closer to where I live, and as luck would have it, I stumbled across one! There is a town an hour and a half away, and during my first few months, I traveled there frequently to buy supplies to build my house.  A PCV there introduced me to a friend of hers (I’ll call her B), a female firefighter.  This PCV told me that B was a lesbian and told B the same thing about me.  A few months later, B invited me to a secret, underground drag show!  Out here, in the middle of nowhere, there was a community!  The event was invitation only, with the location announced a few hours ahead of time.  Secrecy was a big priority.  Drag queens from all over the country performed, and under a blanket of stars, the rest of us queers watched.  It was great!  But the most valuable part of the experience was finding out that there is a network, even out here in the rural countryside. However, it’s distressing that such a high level of secrecy is necessary. 

Now I find myself dating B’s ex (I guess lesbians are the same world over). This chapter is unfolding day by day…Our interactions are full of cultural misunderstandings and poorly translated endearments.  (Also, how on earth does one discuss strap-ons in a country without toy shops?)  She is closeted even to those in her family who would be accepting.  I worry that I overestimate the level of acceptance around her, and thereby put her in danger.  Her internalized homophobia and self-hatred is another challenge altogether. 

I am pleased to have been admitted into the secret lesbian underground of this country.  I’ve never met any established lesbian couples, but supposedly several pairs live together, frequently raising children from their past relationships. One of the pairs was comparatively wealthy and lived somewhat more openly, and the other pairs just quietly lived together as “housemates.”  I never heard of couples in the countryside, only in town.  I also met people who had been part of the lesbian community but ended up marrying men.  For some of them, marrying was one of the few avenues of independence they had.  Outside of the capital, most people don’t leave their parents’ house till they get married.

I can be an example of a happy, queer, woman within the underground lesbian community. Their eyes went wide when I mentioned that my mother once asked my (ex)girlfriend which of the states with legalized same-sex marriage we would be moving to.  I’m not sure what blew their minds more, the fact that marriage was an option for us, or that my mother treated our relationship legitimately.  I introduced terms like “family” and “gaydar,” and exposed the underground to television shows like The L Word and Modern Family.  Seeing queer people on TV just like any other telanovela was a very significant, empowering experience, especially for my girlfriend.  It’s been powerful for me as well: by seeing it from the outside, I truly appreciate the strength of the queer community in the US.

Clearly I can only base this off of the lesbians I know, but but at least in this country, there seems to be less gender nonconformity than in the US or other South American countries.  But maybe that’s because all the lesbians I know are from the countryside (the town is in the middle of nowhere.  The only real “city” is the capital.

Lesbians here either never find each other (sad but true), or find one other lesbian or gay man who introduces them to her or his friends (like what happened to me).  Some of the most important work I’ve done my last few months in the site, has been introducing a few teenagers (males) who came out to me to the community in the town.  Additionally, I introduced the community in town to the resources and clubs in the capital. 

My Peace Corps experience has changed me in many unexpected ways, including strengthening my identity as a queer person. But more importantly, it has highlighted something else to me, the fact that who I am is not just for me alone. I'm a member of a beautiful community, not just underground in a small country and not just causally out in my hometown: it’s a community that's everywhere, worldwide, where I'd most and least expect it. When I pack my bags, say my goodbyes, and leave this country, I'm taking that lesson with me. 


Many thanks to the guest poster for sharing her story.  She also wanted me to pass along this link for LGBT Peace Corps Alumni. 

Do you have an experience worth sharing?  I welcome guest post submissions; email me at butchwonders@yahoo.com for more information.

I've talked often on Butch Wonders about the difficulty of defining "butch," my distaste for policing "butchness," and the value I find in labeling myself "butch."  I've been communicating with some of my dear readers about these and related questions, and I'd like to put a call out there for YOUR answer to one of the following:

1. How do you define "butch?"  Does butch necessarily mean "female?" 
   
2. Write a letter from your 2013 self to your 2003 self--maybe to give younger self some insight; maybe to prepare you for the next decade.
   
3. Would we all be better off without any labels?
4. What is your butch "style?"  How is it different (if it's different at all, which it needn't be) from being a man?
5. Describe how some other identity you have (race, religion, social class, whatever) interacts with your sexual orientation.
   

Over the next month or two, I will post several of the most interesting, thought-provoking answers I receive.  Please email me your entries, along with the following information:

• Which question you are answering
• How you'd like your name to appear (if at all--anonymous is fine)
• A link to your website (optional--I'll publish it with your entry)
• Your mailing address (also optional--a few lucky folks may win a prize)
  

I reserve the right to edit these as I see fit for grammar, length, clarity, etc., but I'll do so as sparingly as possible.  No minimum or maximum length, but anywhere between 150 and 750 words is great.  You don't need to identify as butch, or as gay, or as anything else, to submit an entry. 

I can't wait to read these!  (And yes, if you'd like to answer more than one, feel free--just make sure to send each answer in a separate email.)

On a whim last week, I posted a question on my Facebook page: "What do butches do that bugs you?"  I invited anyone--butches, non-butches, whoever--to answer, and got over 200 responses from BW readers.

Responses varied, but some distinct themes emerged.  (To be clear, I'm not saying that butches have these traits--or that I'm not guilty of any!)

• Ignoring other butches.  Several butch readers said that they'd love to have more butch friends, but that other butches ignore them or are unresponsive when they reach out.  I've had this experience--but on the other hand, I've had the opposite, too (which is how I became such good friends with my buddy C).  Check out my post on butch-butch friendships.
• Too much time in the bathroom or on their hair.  [BW averts her eyes.]
  
• Dressing too sloppily.  One reader wrote, "I love butch girls but [it] bothers me it they wear their pants super baggy and walk around grabbing their crotch. It's disgusting when a man does it but when a sexy, beautiful butch woman does it it looks ridiculous."  Another reader opined that there are many butches "who think that tracksuit bottoms, a t-shirt and wearing the same deodorant as a 15 year old boy is acceptable first date attire."  No BW readers, I hope!  (Oh--and a few readers specifically mentioned that they've seen a lot of butches in bras that don't give them enough support.  That's no good.  If you wear a 38D, a $15 sports bra from Target doesn't cut it.)
  
• Excessive "swagger" or cockiness.  This was a big one, mentioned by more readers than any other trait.  One butch wrote that "super rude, cocky, puff-out-your-chest butch women irritate [her]."  Another said she disliked the "hyper-ego." she occasionally saw among butches.  I agree that arrogance--which is very different from confidence--is never attractive.  And I hate that so many people associate this kind of behavior with the word "butch!"
• Trying to police butchness.  This includes telling soft butches that they're not real butches and stating "rules" like, "You can't be butch if you have long hair" or "If you wear women's underwear, you're not butch."  What?  I acknowledge that it's hard to define "butch," but I believe that identity policing is rooted in insecurity.  (One butch reader wrote, "I hate when femmes think I'm too butch and butches think I'm too soft. Can't we just agree that I'm cute and will make your mom love me and make your dad wish I was his dyke-in-law?")
• Hating on butch-butch couples; hating on trans men; hating on bisexual women.  You don't have to understand (or even like) people who are different from you, but why not try to be kind to them?
• "Puffing up" when they see another butch.  Another big one.  When you pass a butch you don't know, there's no need to glare at her (or studiously ignore her), pull your girlfriend closer to you, and use your body language to let everyone know that it's "your" McDonald's.
• Being too butch.  Of all the critiques I read, this was the only one I really got annoyed at.  A handful of people wrote things like, "I know you wear guys' clothes, but don't overdo it," or "Stop wearing men's pants," or "I once knew someone that wore men's underwear! Can u imagine?"  (Uh, yes.  Yes, I can.)  This is another form of identity policing.  Please don't tell me the "right" way to be butch.  Geez.
  
• Being chauvinistic.  This garnered the second-largest number of complaints (right after the swagger/cockiness one).  Readers wrote that some butches want too much control in the relationship, or want to be "the guy" (or a hyperbolic, cartoon version of a guy, in any case), or expect "their woman" to wait on them, or belittle their girlfriends.  No one claimed that it happened often, but most said that when it did, it tended to be in the context of a butch-femme relationship.  One person wrote, "I don't want my Dapper Gentlelady... to save me, or treat me like I'm weaker or lesser than her...  Just because she has an impressive tie collection (no, seriously; it's something to behold) doesn't make her the 'man' in the relationship. There isn't a man here, just two equal women; one in a bow tie, the other in heels."
  
• Cheating or being a player.  (Most readers acknowledged that this isn't specific to butches; it's just that I asked about butches.  Maybe I would have gotten the same answer by asking about femmes.)
  
• Wearing dresses just because it's what's expected of them.  Readers weren't exactly "bothered" by this--more like "disheartened."  It made them sad to see butches conform to social norms when they clearly didn't want to (although readers also acknowledged that sure, some butches might feel comfortable in a dress).
• Not respecting their elders.  This quote summed it up: "I would like to hear less [sic] derogatory comments about older butches. I hear too often insults about their clothes, their mannerisms, and even their looks. I think we all forget the struggle they went through, coming out in a much less forgiving era. They essentially paved the path we all so 'gayly' walk now."
• Playing it too close to the vest.  Many people commented that butches seem more difficult than most to get to know.  They used phrases like "ultra protective of everything" or "not letting people know them."  Hmm...  I can certainly relate to the disinclination to make oneself vulnerable (once bitten, twice shy, and all that).
  

Whether there's truth in any of these is highly debatable.  But these are some stereotypes people hold, and I think it's worth knowing about them, engaging with them, and taking them seriously. 

For example, one straight reader (I LOVE that straight people read BW--you rock, straight readers!) wrote that in contrast to, say, gay men, she finds butches a little intimidating.  I was surprised at first--me?  But I appreciated her honesty.  And although, sure, I wish people didn't assume things about butches based on our appearance, it also reminded me that I might need to go out of my way sometimes to make myself approachable (I'm not suggesting that everyone needs to do this--it just matters to me personally).

Do any of these ring true?  Can it be productive to talk about them?

I am sooo stoked!  The "Pets & Their Butches" calendar--inspired by YOU all, is finally here.  It took, oh, 20 times longer than I expected to make it, but I think it was worth it, and I hope you do, too. 

I received hundreds of submissions for the calendar--far more than I expected! I couldn't use them all, but congrats to the butches whose photos were chosen (as a monthly photo, or for the front/back cover, or for May or December, which are photo collages)!  Special thanks goes to my awesome DGF for making some of these photos much better and higher-res with her amazing Photoshop skills. 

This is such a cool example of butches coming together to create something awesome.  I hope you'll consider getting one.  They come in three different sizes.  Order two or more and get 50% off with the code 2CALDEALFREE.

Alas, Zazzle makes 75% of the profit (if I do this again, I'll look into better options!).  But 25% goes to support Butch Wonders--yay!--and after I cover my own costs, I'll be donating 100% of the profits to a local animal shelter.

So, what are you waiting for?  Go check out the calendar(!), and while you're at it, see if you like any of the other goodies I've created.

Coming Out Day is awesome for many reasons:

1. It reiterates the importance of visibility.
2. It is an excellent excuse for making and/or consuming rainbow cake.
3. It reminds straight people that their queer friends had to go through a (sometimes excruciating) process of explaining/announcing their sexual and romantic preferences.  It also reminds queers that the coming out process, different as it is for each of us, ties us all together.
4. Right before the election, it underscores the civil rights issues at stake.
5. It is an occasion for poetry, tweets, and general tomfoolery.

Recently, I challenged BW readers to encapsulate their coming out stories in one of three forms: (1) as a tweet; (2) as a haiku; (3) as a limerick.  A bunch of you were up to it, and in honor of Coming Out Day, here are some of my favorites:

TWEETS

My sister was 59 when she came out.  She beat me to it.  I came out at 50.

Mom: What's wrong?  Me: Nothing.  Mom: You're in love, aren't you?! With that girl from South Carolina!  Me: Yes.  Mom: I knew you were gay!

I didn't just come out of the closet, I jumped out of the whole effin' house!


HAIKU

Everyone was great
Forgot I hadn't told dad
Shocked him in the car!

Cue apocalypse!
Coming out to my mother.
False alarm, she's cool.

Collegiate romance.
We thought we were so sneaky,
but everyone knows.

Came out three times now
gayboy, transwoman... tomboy
enough, already!

A snoop I call mom,
Danced around the Internet--
Then learned he is she.

Finally barking
up the right tree of lovin'.
In fact, now I purr.


LIMERICKS (OK, some of these aren't *technically* limericks, but whatevs)

The time to come out was past due.
So I sent the IM to you...
When I looked at my gaff,
We both had a good laugh --
'Stead of "bi," the message said "bu."

We were standing there cooking breakfast,
Nothing on but a smile and some skin
Then OMG, my mom came walking in
No place to run
No place to hide
had to stand there proudly, showing my rainbow pride.

It's enough to demolish the brain
How the Transmatriarchy inane
Demand Bette and Tina
Be the trans girl's Athena...
When I only long to be Shane

There once was a girl who was always laughing
To cover the thoughts she was always having
She couldn't make herself aware
Even though her dad was a gay bear
And being family wasn't nothing but a family thing

For 32 years it was men that I liked
Stubble and bicepts and d*ck got me psyched
Then along came a girl
put my head in a whirl
And I thought, "holy sh*t, I've been dyked!"

i've always been a big butch dyke
but when i came out my mom said TAKE A HIKE
i was homeless for awhile
but all i do now is smile
because i have four kids and a beautiful wife!

Thanks to all of you awesome readers who submitted these great tweets and poems!  (And special congrats to the author of the limerick that begins, "For 32 years it was men that I liked"--you win first place and the cool Gadget Wallet from Uncommon Goods!)  Happy Coming Out Day, everyone!