I just received a note from a reader who's having trouble communicating with her butch DGF ("dear girlfriend").  She asked if I could "translate" some common butch idioms.

One mistake many butch-lovers make is assuming that butches are just like the stereotypes they have of heterosexual men.  If you Google "what men really mean," you'll find hundreds of sites purporting to explain exactly this.  Let's leave aside for a moment the offensive nature of most of those articles, and assume for the sake of argument that there's some truth to them.  Even so, [non-male-identified] butches are not men, and "rules" of "understanding men" apply to us only sometimes.

It's impossible to write something like this without giant, whopping dollops of stereotype.  I figure I'll get flak for this, but I went ahead and made a list anyway.  I'll will be interested to learn whether any of it resonates with you.

(Writing this, I realized that while I would like to think that I'm incredibly straightforward and literal practically to a fault, that's not always true...)

How about you?  Did any of these examples sound familiar?  What's some other "butchspeak" that needs to be translated?

You've probably heard of the "half your age plus seven" rule of age differences in dating.  The idea is that you divide your age by two, then add seven; that's the youngest person you're "allowed" to date.  It's silly, but functions as a supposed "guide" to "acceptable" age differences.

Tons of people reach Butch Wonders by searching for things like "lesbian age differences," "age difference formula gay," and "what's the rule for gay age differences?"  I can yammer on for days about how it's silly to have a "formula," how all relationships are unique, and yada yada yada.  But at the end of the day, people want an easy answer.

So here's your easy answer.  In the gay community, we get a bit more leeway.  The acceptable age difference for us is wider than it is for straight people, and the difference grows as we age.

The age difference formula for same-sex relationships is graphed below.  We are in blue; opposite-sex relationships are in red.  (I know this doesn't take into account bi-gendered people and many other shades of queer, but that involved parabolas and was just too complicated.)  The formula is one-third your age plus ten years.

This took extremely difficult, comprehensive, and painstaking research on my part--not to mention, many sleepless nights.  Now let's practice. 

If you're straight and 30, you can date a 22-year-old.  If you're gay and 30, a 20-year-old.  48 and straight?  A 31-year-old.  But 48 and gay?  a 26-year-old.  Ka-bam!  You've got it!

So, now you know.  There's your formula.  One-third your age plus 10.  If you deviate from it simply to make yourself "happy," or because you've "fallen in love" or whatever, know that you're contravening science itself.

Last March, I wrote a three-part Field Guide to Butches, which you can check out here if you missed it: Part I, Part II, Part III.  I decided it was time to make some additions:

The Butch Class Clown
Example: Jane Lynch
Pros: Hilarious, great with your friends, quick to reconcile after arguments.
Cons: Sleeps in late; may be slightly self-centered; financial stability varies.
Looks Especially Good: Smiling, which is nearly all the time.  (Seriously, check out the pic--is there anything in the world cuter than Jane Lynch with a puppy?)
Care Instructions: If you don't understand her sense of humor, the relationship is doomed.  May need occasional assistance juggling projects and managing household tasks, but a quick learner.  Ego more fragile than first appears.

The Oblivious Butch (not pictured)
Pros: Unconcerned with her identity (and possibly yours), has no interest in discussing related topics, even though everyone else considers her butch.
Cons: See "pros."
Looks Especially Good: If you can wrangle her into slacks and a tie.
Care Instructions: Unusually low-maintenance.  Fashion sense may vary, so be vigilant.  May grow bored in conversations about LGBTQI-related topics.  Probably does not know what the "I" stands for and doesn't particularly care.

Chef Butch
Example: Michelle Ragussis
Pros: Excellent hair, great tattoos, creative, spunky.
Cons: Works long hours, may not want to cook at home (check on this factor before committing).
Looks Especially Good: Sampling your sauces.
Care Instructions: Whether she's a line cook or the head of her own restaurant, Chef Butch is committed to her trade and will expect your support.  Works crazy hours.  Ensure that she doesn’t just cook veggies; she also eats them occasionally.  Low-maintenance with little need of wardrobe assistance.

Barista Butch (not pictured)
Pros: Can make a mean latte, has great fashion sense; creative.
Cons: Moodiness; varied reliability; easily bored.
Looks Especially Good: Steaming up your foam.
Care Instructions: Hard to engage in casual conversation, the barista butch is every bit as creative and mysterious as she first appears.  Many in the species hold a PhD in the humanities or social sciences and may be starved for intellectual discussion; provide literary or other conversation as needed.

Professor Butch
Example: Jack Halberstam
Pros: Smart, well-read, patient and attentive (if occasionally forgetful), finds most things interesting.
Cons: Her hotness makes it hard to pay attention in lecture; everyone in the class has a crush on her (straight women, too); may use words like "hegemonic" in casual conversation.
Looks Especially Good: On her couch during office hours.
Care Instructions: Requires steady diet of books and caffeine (switch diet to baked goods following paper rejections).  If weather is temperate, set outside at least 20 minutes daily to infuse with Vitamin D.

The Sports Fan Butch (not pictured)
Pros and Cons: This type doesn't occur in isolation, but co-occurs with any other kind of butch, and may emerge only on weekends.  Identify one or more other species and refer to those pros and cons as applicable.
Looks Especially Good: Wearing a jersey...  Just a jersey.
Care Instructions: Follow her instructions while her favorite team is playing.  She may believe that she can somehow affect a team's performance through elaborate rituals such as wearing "lucky" clothing  Play along.  Do not block the television.  Though she may appear inflexible, the Sports Fan Butch is an excellent bargaining target and will agree to anything in order to watch her game uninterrupted.  (Q: "Honey, when the game's over, will you take out the trash, then take me to a movie?"  A: "Uh-huh, whatever.") 

Nurse/Doctor Butch
Example: Edie Falco as Nurse Jackie (Yeah, she's straight, but she’s totally butch.  Plus, we all know she'd go lesbo for Dr. O'Hara).
Pros: Straightforward, decisive, quick-witted, employable.
Cons: Unapologetic, reluctant to express emotion, works long hours.
Looks Especially Good: In scrubs, barking out orders.
Care Instructions: Will be exhausted after 20-hour shifts; don’t expect her to engage in conversation.  Instead, give her a shoulder massage and send her to bed.  Plan fun for days off.  Be firm; she may try to boss you around.

A number of you have asked what you can do for your butches to let them know how special they are.  Here are some sweet everyday gestures that say "I love you."  Though the list was written with butches in mind, most of these apply to pretty much any object of your affections.  (And thanks to the excellent BW Facebook fans who contributed some of the ideas on this list!)

#1: Love Notes
I don't usually pack my DGF's lunch, but when I do, I like writing a little note or silly poem for her.  My mom used to do that in my school lunches when I was a kid, and the idea stuck with me.  It just makes a girl feel special.

You can also leave a note around the house for her (e.g., fridge; bathroom mirror), or send her an email in the middle of the day mentioning something you love about her.  If you go to sleep after her, leave a note for her to find in the morning.  If you get up earlier, leave one she'll find later that day.

#2: Food
Many butches say they love when their DGF cooks them a meal.  Whether it's beef bourguignon or peanut butter and jelly, there's something special about being cooked for.  (I swear, even coffee tastes better when my DGF makes it for me.)  One butch wrote, "I get a special little tingle when I come home to the smell of fresh baking."  +1.

Not a kitchen wonder?  Check out some food blogs, starting with A Butch in the Kitchen (pictured above, right is her latest creation, low-calorie blueberry scones--yum!).  You can also have a picnic in the middle of the living room, complete with blanket, bread, cheese, and music.

#3: Pampering
For many of us, being pampered is awesome.  This might take the form of a foot rub (with eucalyptus lotion, mmm), a back massage, a bubble bath (for one or for two...), or a scalp massage. 

Of course, while I love all of these things (as did most butches I asked), not every butch is cool with feeling passive, so know your boi or grrl before plunging in.

Pampering can also take other forms: making a batch of hot buttered rum and sipping it together by the fireplace, insisting she play one more round of Angry Birds while you bathe the dog, or doing a chore she usually does but dislikes (hm, I bet my DGF would love if I dealt with the recycling for once).

#4: Stuff
This post is about gestures you can perform, not stuff you can buy.  Still, a small, thoughtful gift can  be a gesture in itself--especially if it's something you make for her.

Some cool stuff to give your sweetie:

• Homemade coupons for things she'd love: breakfast in bed; an at-home movie night where she gets to pick the movie (yes, even if Jonah Hill is in it); a foot massage...  use your imagination!
  
• A surprise detailing of her car or truck.
• An interesting new kind of beer, coffee, or whatever she likes to drink.
• Get some pictures--yes, physical photographs--of the two of you developed, and make a surprise collage on the fridge.
• A behind-the-scenes tour of a place she really likes (e.g., the stadium where her favorite team plays, her favorite theater company, a wildlife refuge, a concert hall).
• Flowers!  Yep, some butches like flowers (or other plants), too--if yours does, don't forget it.  My favorite is orange tulips, though I also have a weakness for (read: obsession with) succulents, and my DGF made me swoon a couple days ago by bringing me a cool little aloe when I'd been in a bad mood.
  

#5: Adventures, etc.
More than anything, we want to do (1) stuff we love doing with (2) the woman we love.  Sometimes those two things don't mix--so mixing them is a surefire hit.

Offer to go somewhere with her that you'd usually turn down (and don't complain while you're there).  Does she love action movies, but you hate 'em?  Take her to "Skyfall."  Does she like arcades, but you think they're dull?  Take her to an afternoon of video games and air hockey.  Dates like this are a big deal; they tell her you're willing to do things you don't normally like just because she enjoys them.

Other ideas for adventures include high-adrenaline stuff (like skydiving or off-road quad biking), activities that will make her feel like a kid (think laser tag, paintball, sledding, or batting cages), or something sexy (e.g., go on a blind date: tell her where to be, both show up separately, then hit on her!).  (Some smash-hit sexy ideas if you guys have the butch/femme thing going: new lingerie for her to see you in; a lace bra/garter belt set; a sexy lap dance; picking her up from the airport in a trench coat and stiletto boots.  Are you a butch-butch couple?  Awesome: two pairs of silk boxers!)

The bottom line?  No one knows your DGF better than you do.  Especially if you're not naturally observant, pay attention!  Make mental notes about what she likes, stockpile your ideas, and brainstorm ways to make her feel special.  Even if your idea isn't a home run, she'll love the effort.  One reader put it perfectly: "Simply having the woman you are with think that you are amazing just as you are and precisely as you are is the best gift of all."

What have you done to make your butch feel special?  What has she done that's made you feel special?

I've been troubled lately by some writings by butch authors.  Things like:

• I want my femme to look good all the time.  I expect her to dress up, put on makeup, etc., whenever we go out.
  
• Don't open the door for me.  I'm the one who opens the doors, BBQs, and fixes things, thank you very much.
  
• Femmes are so emotional.  I'm not.  It's a butch thing.  Don't expect me to know what you're thinking, and quit crying all the time.

I'm paraphrasing, but not by much.  These kind of sentiments strike me as sexist/misogynistic.  I mean...  we all have the right to preferences--I don't dispute that.  But imagine that a heterosexual cis man wrote the things above.  ("Women are so emotional.  I'm not.  It's a guy thing."  Or insisting that only he gets to BBQ or fix things.)  Sure, he has the right to prefer those things, and they would probably lead me to suspect that he was a sexist, and someone I wouldn't like very much.

Why should these kinds of sentiments be different when a butch expresses them about a relationship she wants with a femme?  Is it inherently different simply because they're both female?  I'd argue that it's not.

When mentioned this to my DGF (dear girlfriend), she laughed.  "Don't you know that's how most people think of butches?" she asked.  "When people think butch, they think of people who want to play a traditionally 'male' role in a relationship."  She went on to explain that this is part of the reason she doesn't identify as butch herself, even though (trust me) she totally is.

This all gave me pause.  Sure, my DGF is more than a decade older than me, so maybe her sense of people's perceptions of "butch" are different for that reason.  Or maybe there's just something I'm failing to comprehend about butch-femme relationships, since I don't prefer to be in them myself.

What do you all think?  Do the kinds of comments I bulleted above strike you as sexist or misogynistic?  Are they the kinds of things you assume a person thinks when she tells you she identifies as butch? 

Hey all!  So I've been in bed with mono for two weeks.  I'm definitely starting to feel better, but DANG mono can last a long time.  Being sick has gotten downright mono-tonous.  Har, har.  I've eaten boatloads of saltines, grown tired of red Gatorade (the original kind--this G2/G3 business is cray cray), and played dozens (hundreds?) of rounds of Gems with Friends.

Meanwhile, the out-of-doors has become downright fall-ish in my neck of the woods.  Though I've yet to consume my two favorite autumn foods, candy corn and pumpkin pie, I'm in a November mood.  Some people are posting one thing for which they're grateful every day this month (thanks for the tipoff, Bee Listy).  But I thought I'd shoot my proverbial gratefulness wad all at once (yes, I really did just write that sentence) and list 30 things here and now.  Boom.

1. The election results!  A president who isn't scared to mention The Gays in his acceptance speech!  Elizabeth Warren!  Maine and Maryland!  There is much to celebrate.
2. Fiction!  The pleasure of reading stories, of turning pages, of becoming subsumed in the printed word.  Right now I'm reading Murakami's Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman and Bolano's The Savage Detectives, and am enjoying both very much.
3. My DGF (dear girlfriend)!  Her mischievous smile, her dancing, her sense of humor, her curiosity about the world--all of these things make me happy, and I love her more every day.
4. A sense of relative security!  Sure, I have student loans up the wazoo and earn a rather wee salary, but on a day-to-day basis, I don't wonder if I can afford groceries or heat, and that is an incredibly comforting feeling that many people do not get to have.
   
5. Coffee! 
   
6. Beaches!
7. Succulents!  Recently my DGF and I have gotten addicted to succulents, and have been having a lot of fun growing them.  You can propagate them from leaves!  How cool is that?  (Answer: very.)
   
8. BW readers!  I love that I get to write something a lot of people enjoy reading.  I am very grateful that you read this blog.
   
9. Friends!  BB, CB, KC, MK, JG, DD, SJB, E&E, MT, LR, TH, and many others.  Friends give me perspective and make me feel loved. 
   
10. Warm showers!
11. Being a butch lesbian!  I'm grateful that I can present the way I really am, be out, and be me--fleece vests and all.
    
12. My dog, Scout!  Scout is my buddy.  Loyal, smart, playful, and absurdly well-behaved.  When I go running, she goes with me.  When I'm sick, she never leaves my side.  Especially if I'm eating something.
13. Dr. W!  My therapist is amazing.  She helps me understand who I am, gain courage, work on my strengths, and be a better person.  She also has a fabulous BS-detector (important when working with me). 
14. Projects!  I love having projects going.  Research projects, art projects, writing projects.  Projects, projects.
    
15. Fruit!  Particularly pomegranates and Fuyu persimmons (the flat kind).
16. Trail running!  I want to work up to doing a lot more of it, because I find it exhilarating and challenging.  
17. Rainy days!
18. Sunny days!
19. Music!  Music can elevate my mood, stir up memories or make me dance.  I am also grateful for the ability to make up my own songs (something which is almost certainly not on my DGF's gratitude list).
20. My new shoes!  They're making my plantar fasciitis feel a little better.  Plus, they are orange, and I love orange.
21. My parents!  I am absurdly similar to them in some ways and absurdly different in others.  My relationship with them has evolved a great deal and their support for me has been unwavering.  I love them immensely.
    
22. My friendship with my mom!  This deserves its own list item. 
    
23. Home!  I live in a place I really like--both the house and the region. 
    
24. Writing!  Of all kinds.  Words to paper.  Words to screen.  Words to napkins in ballpoint pen.  Words words words.
    
25. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece (+1 on the way)!  They're an awesome family, and I can't wait to hang out with them next month.
26. The smells on my drive home!  There are all kinds of trees on my way home, and I love how they smell: piney and earthy and dewy.
    
27. Humor!  God, I'm grateful for humor.  I find many things amusing or silly or ironic, and I love seeing the world this way.
    
28. My DXH!  I've written a whole lot about him in the past, but suffice it to say that I have an incredibly loving, supportive ex-husband, and I'm grateful that he's such an important part of my life.
    
29. Second chances!  Whether it's a relationship or a writing rejection or a dozen push-ups, second chances are the best.
    
30. Things to look forward to!  I love having things to look forward to.  Vacations, down time with my DGF, books to read, plans with friends, cool work projects...  There was a time in my life when I lost the ability to look forward to things, and I think that makes me especially grateful for it now.

What's on your gratefulness list, dear readers?  Comment below and list at least three things, large or small.  As many as you want.

A few years ago, psychologist Barry Schwartz wrote The Paradox of Choice--a pop psych book with a deceptively simple bottom line: though we think of choice as a good thing, having too many options makes us miserable.

Schwartz says there are two kinds of decision-makers: "maximizers" and "satisficers."  A maximizer wants to make the best decision possible.  If you spend forever on Amazon reviewing tea kettles before buying one, you're probably a maximizer.  In contrast, satisficers want to make decisions that are "good enough."  A satisficer might think, "I want a kettle with a copper bottom for under $50."  She buys the first one that meets that criteria.

We might think maximizers make better choices--after all, they read reviews and know the specs.  Sure, their decisions are a little better, but not by much.  More importantly, they are less likely to be happy with their decisions.

How does all this apply to your dating life?  This article talks about being single in LA.  It points out that while big cities offer lots of choices, having too many choices of whom to date creates an illusion that it's possible to find a "perfect" match.  In Schwartz's parlance, it makes us into maximizers; we're less satisfied with the person we're dating.  On the other hand, if you're stuck in a small town, there's not a lot of choice, so you naturally become a satisficer.  You find someone who matches you reasonably well and you're pretty darn happy.

Of course, dating for queers is different.  There aren't as many of us, so maybe we're always satisficers, even in most big cities.  Or maybe because so many of us date online, it creates a "maximizer" mentality regardless of where we live.

What do you think about all this?  What kind of cities have you had the most luck dating in?  Did you find your significant other in a giant pool or a small one?

You're single, talking to a gorgeous single dyke.  She asks if you want to grab coffee; you eagerly accept, your mind already swirling with visions of U-Hauls and organic, home-baked bread.  But then she drops the bomb: "Let's meet at 3.  I pick my son up from daycare at 5."

You try to act nonplussed, but a hundred thoughts swirl through your head: Did she used to be married?  How old is this kid?  When do I have to (or get to) meet him?  Am I really old enough to date people who have kids?  Do I even want kids?  And what implications does this have for our U-haul, camping excursions, and mornings at the farmers' market??

Like it or not, dating a woman who has a kid can be vastly different from dating a woman without one (or two, or three).  Here are a few things to keep in mind as you embark on this chapter in your dating life.

• The kid is number one.  Period.  And isn't this the way it should be?  It may occasionally suck to be one-upped by an eight-year-old, but face it; the kid was in her life before you were, and always will be in her life, no matter what happens with your relationship.  This means you will have to deal with planning around recitals and soccer practice.
  
• She's likely shopping for a co-parent, not just a partner.  Unless she's made it explicit that this is not the case, it's safe to say that child-rearing potential ranks high on her list of qualities for an ideal mate.  The younger the kid is, the more true this is likely to be. 
  
• If you're not ready to be a parent now, it's (probably) okay.  You've got plenty of time to get used to her, to get to know the kid, and to grow into the idea (or not).  Heck, you may fall in love with the kid (in a parental way, not a Woody Allen way) and decide that the whole family package is perfect for you. On the other hand...
• If you know that you never want to be a parent, be honest.  If you know that kids aren't in your future, don't string her along.  She may say that she's looking for a partner, not a co-parent, but regardless of the kid's age, your future DGF's motherhood will be a big factor in your relationship.
  
• Accept her relationship with an ex who's a co-parent.  lt can be hard to accept that our partners used to be in love with other people--and this is underscored if procreation, adoption, and/or child-rearing were involved.  Your new love may need to talk to a former love frequently about the kid.  Maybe they're friends; maybe not.  Either way, your role is to support her, not mediate or badmouth.
  
• Let her call the shots.  She knows her kid best--let her decide when you're going to be introduced, and whether it's as "Mommy's friend" or "Mommy's girlfriend."  Offer, but don't push.
  
• Provide support, not advice.  You don't get to tell someone else how to discipline, deal with, or talk to, their kid.  Unless she asks for advice--actually, even if she asks for advice--don't tell her what to do.  This applies even if you've spent a bunch of time around kids (and even if you have your own).  No one wants unsolicited parenting advice.
  
• She doesn't expect you to be an expert, but she does expect you to try learning.  If you don't know how to warm up a bottle, pack a school lunch, or braid hair, that's okay!  Your open heart and willingness to learn will mean everything to her.

Of course, not everyone hesitates at the prospect of dating a woman with kids.  A dear friend of mine was intrigued when she learned that the object of her budding affections (who is now her wife, also a dear friend) had a kid.  Now the three of them are one of the most solid families I've ever known, and I know that none of them can imagine life without the other two.  So what's the moral for single moms?  There are two:
(1) Don't assume that being a mom will work against you in the dating world;
(2) Remember that you deserve to have someone who loves you in part for being a mom, not despite it.

So, dear readers: Have you ever dated a woman with kids?  What obstacles did you face?  How about my readers who are (current or former) single moms?  What advice do you have for BW readers?

Recently it feels like people have been writing with more and more questions about me and my blog.  I thought I'd answer a few of them today as best I can.  Here are some that I've received from readers over the past couple of months:

Q: Why did you start BW?
A: I didn't think there were enough websites out there for women like me: lesbians toward the masculine end of the spectrum.  I was unsure what to wear, what etiquette was like in certain situations, and whether other people were interested in the same kinds of discussions around identity that I am.

Q: How many hits do you get every day?
A: It varies.  In the last month, my highest has been just over 3000 and my lowest has been 1000.  On days I post something decent, 1500 or so.

Q: How does the traffic you get compare to other lesbian blogs?
A: I have no idea.

Q: Who's your staff?
A: My "staff??"  It's just me, sitting in my living room with my dog and a cup of coffee, typing into cyberspace and hoping someone will read it.

Q: Do you make a lot of money writing Butch Wonders?
A: I've spent about $700 on site costs over the last year.  And through the Butch Store and selling occasional ads, I've made maybe $300 total.  So, still in the hole.  I never envisioned this as a business, though, so that's okay (though it would rock to get paid for doing something I love so much!).

Q: Why do you keep the blog anonymous?
A: This has been a hard decision.  The short answer is: my job.  My supervisor told me my chances for advancement could be harmed by this kind of outside writing.  So I'm on the DL (as BW, not as a lesbian!) because I think I can do more good by advancing in my career first and coming out as BW second.  But I struggle with this.  Plus, I'd love to make videos for you, and right now, all I can do is appear on the radio (which, I hope, is happening again soon--stay tuned). 

Q: So does anyone know that you write this?
A: Yep.  Mainly family members and close friends.  A few professional contacts.  And one or two folks who wanted me to write for them and needed to verify that I'm really the thirty-something dyke I claim to be (I am, though arguably more nerdy than sometimes represented here).  ;)

Q: Is it true that you used to be married to a guy? 
A: Yes.  You can read about it in several entries.  Check out my Index of Topics, under "Married to a Man."

Q: Aren't you limiting yourself by writing this for butches rather than for all lesbians?
A: Sure.  But a lot of the issues I'm interested in apply mostly to masculine-of-center women.  I didn't want to write about suits and ties and then claim to be a "lesbian" blog, since plenty of lesbians aren't the tie-wearing type.

Q: Do you have a girlfriend?  Is she butch or femme?
A: I do!  I refer to her as my DGF (dear girlfriend) on the blog.  She identifies as neither butch nor femme, and mostly eschews labels (I really want her to write a post about this sometime).  I suspect that most people consider her butch or soft butch, and that many people in the community would consider us a butch-butch couple (so do I, most of the time).

Q: Why don't you write a column for Curve?
A: I pitched it to them, but they never got back to me.  I followed up: still no response.  So at the moment, I'm not a columnist for anyone.  Need a columnist?  Email me!

Q: Where do you live?
A: I'm going to stick with the whole anonymity thing and not say.  But I will say that I'm in a rural area that's very close to a large urban area.  I think this provides a nice balance for me, though it does mean that I burn more gas than I'd prefer to.

Okay, dear readers--that will do for now.  Got any other questions for me?