1. It's week two of my new part-time job, and so far I'm enjoying it, loving the people, and finding it a bigger challenge than I expected.
2. Apple-brie-walnut panini, FTW.
   
3. I am wearing a sweater vest, because why should Rick Santorum have all the fun?  (Next thing you know, he'll be sporting a fauxhawk.)
4. My Fluevogs arrived yesterday, and they are freaking awesome.  (And no, I didn't pay full price--not even close!)  Admittedly, they don't TOTALLY fit, since the smallest size was a men's 7 and I am a men's 6/6.5 or women's 8/8.5.  But with my insoles, they work. 
   
5. A guy followed me into the women's bathroom today.  It was hilarious.  He was behind me, and I turned to hold the door open for him, and he looked at me, did a double-take, turned, and went into the other one.  

What's been the best part of your day so far today?
 

This weekend, my brother (who is straight but metro, and can wear pleated pants with uncommon flourish) announced to me that one of his cats has come out of the closet.  My brother sent me the rainbow-infused picture at left (the gay one's perched on the dresser).  I was proud of the cat, and would like to think that as its aunt, I played a role in its conversio --er -- realization.   My brother and me then brainstormed other ways to identify LGBT pets:

Top Signs that Your Pet Might Be Queer

1. She will only eat vegan, locally-sourced kibble.
2. He refuses to watch anything besides HGTV or Bravo, and claims he reads Playgirl "for the articles."
   
3. She steals your LL Bean Visa card to buy a doggie flannel.
4. You pick him up from the groomers and he says, "OMG, never going there again."
5. She only chews up comic books by Alison Bechdel or Paige Braddock.
   
6. When you come home, he has rearranged the furniture.  Again.
7. Before you know it, she has adopted a small cadre of other rescue pets.
8. He will only wear an American Apparel cat sweater.
9. After coming back from the groomers, she immediately tear the bows out of her fur, muttering something about "patriarchy."
10. He takes long walks with a male, gender nonconforming pet "friend."
    
11. She will only sleep beside you in bed if you use unscented laundry detergent.
    
12. He has limp paws (see pic below). 
    

Special thanks to my hilarious brother for coming up with about half of this list!  Do any of you have gay pets?  How do you know?  Do you feel like your own queerness helped or hindered their realization process?

_Thus far, my 2012 has been characterized by two rounds of pancakes and four episodes of "Breaking Bad" (we're halfway through season 4).  This has  been typical of the past week (just add Bananagrams, cookies, and friends, and you'll get the picture).  And although I'm a tad embarrassed to own up to this orgy of gluttony and sloth, it's been a wonderful relief to give myself permission to take some time off.

I'm not much on New Year's resolutions.  I make resolutions all the time.  Sometimes I stick with them, sometimes not.  For example, I was once a vegetarian for a month and a vegan for a different month.  For three weeks, I wrote every day.  When my resolve peters out, I tend not to feel bad, but look at the resolutions more as experiments.  "Interesting that I no longer feel so compelled to keep vegan," I might think to myself while chowing down on a buffalo burger. 

Maybe my approach has been too forgiving.  In any case, I usually keep my resolutions to myself.  I don't want anyone bothering me about them, and to be totally honest, I don't want to be embarrassed in front of other people if I fail.  But this year, I've decided not only to make some resolutions for 2012, but to post them here.  Maybe y'all will help keep me honest (and maybe my attempt to stick to these will produce some interesting fodder for the blog).

RESOLUTION #1: Post something (basically) every day.  I love writing Butch Wonders and would love to reach more readers.  So I'm committing to writing 300 posts in 2012.  Sure, I may sometimes cop out and just post a sentence or two, but still.  300.  Big commitment.  Because I love you.

RESOLUTION #2: Finish various writing projects.  I won't bore you with the details, since it's not related to BW, but it includes some articles, a novel, and a creative nonfiction piece.  I've got my work cut out for me.

RESOLUTION #3: Support my DGF through the remaining five months of her new job's probationary period, even when it is hard and various circumstances compromise my support abilities.  My DGF had the courage to start a new career post-40 (she's a little older than me), and I really admire her for it.  Plus, she is awesome and totally worth it!

RESOLUTION #4: See my parents about once a month.  They only live two hours away from me, and I want to see them more, even if it's just to meet halfway for a quick lunch on a weekend.  My life is pretty different from theirs, and I think sometimes that makes it easier for people to grow apart.  But I'm committed to not letting that happen.

RESOLUTION #5: Lose 20 lbs, in part by trail running.  Being overweight zaps your energy and is bad for your heart.  My body hangs onto weight about as tightly as Marcus Bachmann hangs onto his heterosexuality.  Plus I'm not willing to completely give up Ben and Jerry's.  So this one will be a challenge.  I should probably lose more than 20, but it's a start.  (Also the least imaginative resolution ever.)  Trail running will help me with this goal.  It will also make my dog reeeeally happy.

Hm.  That's all I can think of now, though I'm sure there are others.  I'd like to list things that are wackier and more exciting: Climb Mt. Kilamanjaro!  Become a hand model!  Learn to play the Didgeridoo!  But I suppose this is a list of resolutions, not a bucket list, so I'm allowed to keep it pedestrian. 

Did you make any resolutions for 2012?

Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, which means that if you want to order any gifts online, you have to do so now to get them in time for the weekend.  After trying to find something good for my grandparents--and then realizing I had to order one-day shipping--it occurred to me that some of you, dear readers, might be facing last-minute online shopping challenges, too.  Here are ideas for grandparents, bosses, aunts, uncles, college roommates, and other people you love dearly but don't see often enough to know what they'd like.  I'm only including items that you can still order in time for Christmas.

_1. Gift baskets.  Who doesn't love receiving a little bounty of snacks?  One of my favorites under $50 is this 1950s Retro Candy Box ($34.99, pictured left), which includes Necco Wafers, Chick O' Sticks, Choward's, and other sugary blasts from the past.  And, for aunts and grandmas who love girlie stuff, check out this Victorian Lace Tea, Spa & Treats Clock Gift Chest ($64.60), which includes candles, lotion, bath gel, and more--all in a wooden chest inlaid with a working clock.

2. Tea Chests and Tea Sets.  A classy gift that's hard not to like, tea chests come in a variety of styles.  Try to get some brand of tea that isn't stocked at your local grocery store.  I recommend this Wissotzky 60 Dessert Flavored Teas in an Ebony Tea Chest ($29.99).  Tea sets are good bets, too.   I like this cool Japanese one ($68.95, pictured right).  If that's out of your price range, how about a simple infuser/mug set ($19.53)?

3. Gift Cards.  These are also kind of impersonal, but they'll do in a pinch.  Plus, don't you love receiving them? This one from Amazon features free one-day shipping.  It's even better than cash, because you feel obligated to spend it on something fun.  You can also get something more specific, like a certificate to their favorite restaurant or movie tickets. 

4. A Coffee Table Book.  These serve a bunch of purposes: showcasing great photography, impressing guests, and messing up orderly bookshelves by being wider than all the other books.  You can find these on virtually any topic, from 1960s surf photography to Andy Goldsworthy's nature-centered art (pictured left) to the history of New York City to (brace yourself) hipster puppies.  There's also a whole genre of amusing websites now available in book form, such as a compilation of hilariously wrong test answers, passive-aggressive notes, and Cake Wrecks.  Think of them as the Harold and Kumar of coffee table books.

5.  Board games are always a hit with families.  Think Apples to Apples, Bananagrams, Cranium, or a classic like Scattergories (my longtime favorite) or Pictionary. 

Okay, you have less than 15 hours left...  shop like the wind, butches!

My hosting site keeps track of the searches that get people to Butch Wonders.  I never paid much attention until this month, when "turned butch dyke mind control stories" caught my eye.  Bizarre that this would lead someone to BW, and more bizarre to imagine what this particular Googler was seeking.  I was horrified/delighted by some of the Google searches that got people here.  My favorite from this month:

• guys looking HOT  [I'm guessing this person was disappointed]
• HAPPy birthday sexy guys long hair  [I'm guessing this person was even more disappointed]
• zhang yun jing not lesbian  [admittedly, my gaydar's not always the best, but are you sure about that?]
• how butch women grow hair  [on a hair farm.  obvi.]
• vulva butch [the really surprising thing here is that two different people conducted this search...  what??]
• You travelled around Nigeria photographing a group of men who keep hyenas animals that have been known to devour humans on the end of a piece of chain. How did you discover these guys?  [I swear I'm not making this stuff up.]
  
• butch man in womens workout clothes  [this person was probably looking for this classy snapshot]
• bike shorts for initiation  [humiliating clothes and archaic initiation rituals?  sign me up!]
  
• is it cool to wear a shirt under a tank top men  [no.  no.  no.]
• had a nordstrom interview today?  [I knew I was forgetting something.]
• what about carrying sex toys on a plane [put them in an opaque plastic bag with your pocket knife and drill bits and send 'em down the conveyor belt]
  
• how to become a butch lesbian if im fat [sorry. it's impossible.]
  
• I then have within five minutes [what?]
• "me in a skirt" gay porn [there are no words.] 
  

And just for fun, here are some other stats from the last 30 days:

Highest # of visits on a single day: 1522
Lowest # of visits on a single day: 355

Number of countries from which people have visited: 83

Countries with the most BW readers:

1. US
2. Canada
3. UK
4. Australia
5. Germany
6. Singapore
7. Ireland
8. Philippines
9. New Zealand
10. Netherlands
    

Cities with the most BW readers:

1. New York, NY
2. San Francisco, CA
3. Brantford, Canada [Can somebody explain this one to me?]
   
4. Portland, OR
5. London, England
6. Sunnyvale, CA [Two of my closest friends live there, but the site I use tracks IP addresses, not hits, so who are the rest of you?  Is Sunnyvale a secret dyke mecca?  How did you beat Boston and Oakland?]
   
7. Chicago, IL
8. Los Angeles, CA [This one surprised me, too--when I think of LA, I think of Carmen on the L-Word, not Julie Wolf or  Chris Pureka.]
   
9. Melbourne, Australia
10. Seattle, WA
    

And here are some surprising places that aren't in the top 10, but from which I have WAY more visitors than I would have expected:

1. Krasnoyarsk, Russia
2. Cape Town, South Africa
3. Helsinki, Finland
4. Huntsville, Alabama
5. Ballinger, Texas
   

In any case, it continually blows me away to see how many people read my little five-month-old blog.  I love writing it and really appreciate that you read it.  Thank you!

    

My DGF says that everyone has his or her "57 Rules of the Universe," and that most disagreements stem from people having different assumptions about the way the universe works.  She also says that no two people on earth have the same 57 rules.

Yesterday I sat down and wrote the first 57 "rules" that came to mind.  Some are idiosyncratic and specific; others are very general.  Some came from other people (my mom, grandmother, friends, teachers); others are things I've observed.  Some aren't even really "rules;" they're more like preferences.  But we can learn a lot about how people see the world by trying to understand their rules, and I got a kick out of trying to articulate mine. 

BW's 57 Rules of the Universe:

1. Your friends will date whomever they want to.  Your admonition not to date someone will either drive you apart or lead your friend to be secretive.
2. Nearly everyone is just as insecure as you are.  You will never fully believe this.
3. Don't wear hats in a restaurant, or at a meal in a friend's house. 
4. Arrogance and manipulation are terrible traits.  Trust the guileless.
   
5. Unless you are someone's best friend, you don't get to tell that person that he or she looks tired.
6. Hard work can make up for talent in 95% of circumstances.  Talent can make up for hard work in only 50%.  Hard work + talent = unbeatable.
7. Some people know some things.  Other people know other things.
8. Sometimes you have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down.
9. Trust your gut.
10. Sleep is the best way to prevent illness.  Vitamin C and "Wellness Herbal Resistance Liquid" (stupid name, good product) are also useful.
11. You can learn just as much from good fiction as you can from good nonfiction.
12. You don't get to choose whether you're a writer; you just get to choose whether to write.  This probably applies to lots of other things as well.
13. Be good to animals.  They need you.
14. If all the women in the world just made a pact not to dye their hair, then women with grey hair would no longer look older than they are.
15. Read as much as you can.
16. Running on dirt is better than running on pavement if you have shin splints.
17. Most of us are doing the best we can.
18. Learn what comma splices are; avoid them.
19. If you want someone to know that you're a true friend, show up to help him or her on moving day.
20. In the end, no one really cares what you do with your life except you, so you'd better do something you enjoy.  
21. If you have a sore throat, combine the juice of a whole lemon with some very hot water and a little honey.  Drink it. 
22. Try to hold yourself to a higher standard than anyone else sets for you.
23. Do what you know IS right, not what is thought of as right or what you are told is right. 
24. Adversity isn't something to "overcome;" it's something to draw on and make yourself stronger.
25. Most of age is mental.
26. You're not obligated to spend time with people who make you feel inferior, bored, or angry.
27. Best cookbook: one filled with recipes from family and friends.
28. When returning a food container to someone, don't return it empty--make something else and put it in the container before returning it. 
29. Bring a small gift or a bottle of wine whenever someone invites you over to (more than an extremely casual) dinner.  
30. Instead of putting a quarter or two in a homeless person's change cup every day, occasionally go up to a homeless person and offer to buy him or her a whole meal--lunch, dinner, whatever.  Get this lunch from somewhere you, yourself, like to eat.  
31. Most physical items are not worth the money.  Among the exceptions: Apple computers, good pots and pans, well-fitting pants.
32. Shoes that make you look silly: Crocs, Uggs, and Vibrams (those toe shoes).  Yeah, I know they're comfortable.  But you still look silly.
33. Professionals worth their weight in gold: a good tailor, a good gynecologist, a good therapist, a good stylist or barber.
34. The biggest compliment you can give a business is recommending it to your friends and/or writing a Yelp review.
35. Running is more fun with a dog.
36. Handwritten thank-you notes are a lost art, appreciated by everyone, mandatory if the recipient is over 50 years old or wears sweater sets.
37. If you RSVP to something, you should actually go.
38. An 18-20% tip is the norm for good restaurant service.  For lousy service, tip 12-15%, pre-tax.  If you go to a restaurant and split a meal, tip as much as you would if you'd each ordered your own meal.
39. Listen to other people.  You can learn a lot.  And at the root of it, most of us want to be heard.
40. Audiobooks are a great way to survive a commute and/or a long run.
41. Stay as close to your family as you can, especially parents and siblings.  If they have issues with your "lifestyle," stay hopeful.  People change.  
42. Things I never regret time spent doing: writing, having sex, exercising.
43. Don't assume that people are thinking the worst of you; they rarely are.
44. There's no excuse for wearing pleated plants. 
45. All steeples point to heaven.
46. In renting an apartment, washer-dryer access and a parking place are non-negotiable.  A dishwasher (and everything else) is negotiable.
47. Popcorn tastes best while watching a movie.  Air-popped popcorn eaten while sitting on the couch at home tastes best of all.
48. It is practically criminal to let tickets to an event go to waste; if you're not going to use them, give them away.
49. In order to be in a successful relationship with someone, at least 29 of their rules must overlap with yours.
50. Most ranking systems (best colleges, best cities to live in, etc.) are stupid, or at least random, and completely change depending on which variables are included in the calculation.
51. Don't pass up opportunities to travel (it's good for the brain) or to go to the beach (it's good for the soul).
52. It's not okay to call your DGF a "bitch" (or worse), even if you're having a fight.
53. If you eat something in the morning, it automatically qualifies as a breakfast food.  Thus, breakfast pizza and breakfast cake are real phenomena. 
54. In general, do not waste food.  This includes pizza crusts and the heel of the bread.  (But if it's old, dump it!)
55. Food that has no calories: cough drops, cookie dough, bites from someone else's plate, fruit, vegetables, and stuff you eat while cooking.
56. There is zero shame in shopping at thrift stores.  In fact, a good score at a thrift store should be a major point of pride.
57. It's not okay to judge someone until you've walked a mile in his or her moccasins. 
    

(Runner-up rules include "Raw tomatoes are the devil's food" and "Pluto really IS a planet.")

Obviously, I'm not saying that any of these is right--just that this is how I see things.  Which ones overlap with YOUR rules?  Which ones do you disagree with the most?  And what are a few of YOUR rules of the universe?