Whew, January flew by and I left the house perhaps 8-9 times, max (that includes 2 doctor visits!).  But I'm proud to announce that I feel much better.  Public Service Announcement: Get your vaccinations, people!

Anyway, January gifted us with another month of delightful and unlikely searches that got people to Butch Wonders.  Some of my favorites:

• "gays don't get it"  (I know, right?  That's what I'm saying.  What's up with those gays??)
  
• "what can i use instead of hair gel that won't make my hair shiny"  (Corn starch.  Sand.  Lava rock.  Cooked spaghetti.)
  
• "butch menstrual products"  (A tampon with a chain!  A pantyliner that has one side made of sandpaper!  A "survival" pad that's inflatable and doubles as a life raft!)
  
• "big breasts and bicycle"  (Really, what more do you need?)
  
• "a woman compliments on my boots is she lesbian"  (Yeah, she's got to be.  I mean, what straight person even wears footwear these days?  It just seems like a gay thing.)
  
• "22gay boys"  (Sittin’ in a tree!  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!)
• how to deal with awkwardly gay people"  (How is one "awkwardly gay?"  Like you just say GAY THINGS at random during formal dinners?)
  
• "butches and more butches and even more interesting butches"  (Yay!  We've found paradise at last!)
  
• "www.m a 18 yrs boy how should i play wid my gf body part i love 2 play tips.com"  (I swear that this was a real search.)
  
• www.bielu saxye hie saxye all video.com  (This, too.  Who are these people?  What do they want?)
  
• leopards guy panties  (Leopards do not wear "panties."  They are far too butch for that.)
• "what is too big an age gap for a relationship"  (305 years would definitely be too big.  One of the people would be dead.  So that would be stupid.)
• "is 3 years a big age difference"  (Yes, if you are a caterpillar).
  
• "do you know any gay people"  (GROSS--no!)
  
• "dhamster nipplepircing on girles"  (No.  Just no.)
  
• "what not to say to gay people"  (Here are some ideas: "Gay people suck."  "Your house is on fire."  "I ran over your dog and slept with your partner.")
• "many toy department are segregated" (I know!  As you already know if you follow me on Twitter, I saw this sign at my local drug store recently.  How screwed up is this?  I don't think boxes even use toys that much.  It just seems stupid to segregate boxes from people:) 
  

• "Butchy yes or no"  (Yes.)
  

• "butch gender restaurant fries waiter"  (Fries are my gender.)
  
• "butch and femme partners make no sense"  (Neither does trying to comprehend attraction by googling this, but here you are.)
  
• "???? ???"  (!!!! !!!)
  
• "??? ?????"  (!!! !!!!!)
  
• "22gay guys" (Sittin' in a tree!  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!)
• "+how often does it happen that a butch lesbian has a baby for her partner" (NEVER, I hope.  Her partner needs to be at least 18.)
• "amount of butch"  (36-43 grams)
• "i have no butchness left"  (This can be a problem.  Sometimes the butchness can leak right out of you if you don't get regular checkups.  Spend an hour in Macy's Men's, re-read Stone Butch Blues, and complete two repairs that require your toolbox.  You'll be good as new.)
  
• "how to make half butch muffins"  (Add 1 pinch navy blue pantsuit, 1 dollop short hair ["feathered"], 2 tbsp Chapstick, an REI gift certificate, and an androgynous shoe.  Bake until butch is "soft."  Garnish with 2 small silver earrings.)
  
• "grandma leopard outfit"  (Boom.)
  
• "girls tie guys up and put makeup on them"  (Straight people are so weird.  Are we SURE their marriages should be legal?!)
• "straight people are so cute"  (Yeah, when they're not engaging in their weird, freaky sexual practices.)
  
• "Generally how do butches react n behave"  (Generally, we are perfection incarnate.  [Results may vary.])
  
• "gay people make me awkward"  (I am not sure it's the gay people who are doing the heavy lifting in that regard.)
  
• "gay men in wool sweaters having sex"  (This wins the specific-fetish-of-the-month award.)
  
• "decent beach party costumes"  (I like that this person isn't aiming particularly high.)
  
• "how women wear a tie casually"  (This strikes me as quite casual.)
  
• "Football called me a dyke"  (Awww, your very own Wilson!  But if you're stranded on an island, how do you have Internet access??)
  
• "gay people are jerks"  (And you, ma'am, are a poopy head.)
  
• "do i know any gay people"  (If you don’t, it means YOU’RE the gay one.  You're gay!!  Nyah Nyah Nyah!!)
  
• "do butch women open doors"  (Yes, quite often--particularly if we need to get into a building.)
• "butch lesbian jury duty"  (Waaait...  We don't get to marry, but we have to serve jury duty?!  Folks, maybe we've been taking the wrong tack.  Maybe we should ask for fewer rights and try to eliminate the whole "jury duty" thing.  Like a special snow day for gay people.)
  
• "dating a women who has a ex"  (Most women have a ex, my friend.  Some have an multiple exes.)
• "creative ways to hang my ties"  (On a wall!  On a tree!  On some dogs!  On a yourself while you're wearing a polo shirt!)
  
• "cousin ultis"  (Ah, Cousin Ultis.  If only he'd been a little faster.  Or the mountain lion had been a little slower.  Or if he hadn't taunted the mountain lion with roast beef and kissing noises.)
  
• "Nice effort, very informative, this will help me to complete my task"  (If your task is to sound like a robot, you have already completed it!)
  
• "can there be an age gap between lesbians"  (No.  All lesbians have to be exactly the same age as each other.)
  
• "my age is is 15 but we says it 14 why?"  (We lies.)
• "do you think we should piss on the floor in case there are no gay people around?"  (If you think peeing on the floor is going to remedy your potential-lack-of-gay-people problem, you've been misinformed.)
• "butch up your tattoo"  (This seems like a good idea, so I came up with two examples:)
  

First, suppose you have a simple heart tattoo.

I mean, whatever.  It's fine, if not exactly butch.  But with a few simple edits at your local tattoo parlor, you can make a statement about your identity:

Easy, right?

Okay, let's take another example.  Suppose that in a bout of drunken and/or misdirected whimsy, you decided to get the following tattoo of a flower:

But now you've decided that the flower conflicts with your uber-butch identity.  You need something tougher...  what can you do??

Never fear!  With a little creativity, you can butch up your tattoo in no time:

Whoa!  Now your flower's the propeller of a plane!  And it's shooting people!  Grrrrr!  War plane! 

...That's it!  Hope you're having a great weekend.  Enjoy the Superbowl, if that's your thing; if not, enjoy having the streets to yourself tomorrow. 

BTW, if you want to get one of my rad shirts (not a bad V-Day gift, if I do say so myself), you can get 30% off with the code "WELUVYOUSALE").

Happy 2013!  I've been sicker than a proverbial canine the past few days, and I think it's the flu.  For me, one of the worst things about having the flu is the caffeine withdrawal headache.  With a regular cold, I can power down a cup or two of coffee even when I don't feel like it.  But with the flu, NO way is anything going into my mouth besides saltines and watered-down Gatorade.  Which means a massive caffeine-withdrawal headache on top of the chills and nausea.  It's the only time I've thought seriously about popping caffeine pills.  But I resisted, because when you don't have caffeine for a few days and then you have it again, it's like, KA-POW!  (In a good way.)

Anyway, I thought I'd start the year by posting December's best search terms!  There were quite a few goodies last month that somehow landed people on Butch Wonders...

• "LESBIAN BUTCH" (This is a pretty common search term to get to my blog, but I love that 13 people searched for it in ALL CAPS.  Did they think that they would get DIFFERENT, SLIGHTLY LOUDER RESULTS?)
• "if someone asks you if you a boxer does it mean they want to have sex with you"  (Yes, it does.)
• "Dr.????PASCAL?????"  (Is???IT REALLY????YOU???)
• "what to call a cute butch"  (I usually go with either "You boxer" or "Dr. Pascal.")
• "men lycra sexy costume"  (A costume search oxymoron?)
• "lesbian porn two girls sweater vest"  ([Cue cheesy music]  Oh, Darla, look.  There's only sweater vest...  Looks like we will have to share.  [Meaningful glance])
• "gayism ends at age of 30 years"  (Ever since my gayism cleared up, my nasal congestion and burning sensations are gone!)
• "wearing a white tshirt and belt means you are lesbian"  (Duh.)
• "if a gir emails another woman everyday is she gay"  (For sure.)
  
• "sexy man with cape"  (Can it be a lycra cape?)
• "hamster nipplepircing on girles"  (Any way you slice it, this is an awkward search.)
• "butchy smack"  (I'ma talk some butchy smack at you.)
• "butch glue" (Your butchy smack bounces off me and sticks to you!)
• "cute university colors in california"  (Worst possible way to choose a college)
• "being gay at christmas"  (I like the idea of changing your sexual orientation for a holiday.  This Easter, I'll be straight!  Flag Day?  Bi!)
• "surprised gays having sex"  (Do you think they didn't know it was Christmas, then they woke up having sex and were like, "Oh--I totally forgot that we are gay at Christmas...")
  
• "i love surprises gay"  (Well, then merry Christmas!)
  
• "Some people favourite some weird stuff.. I'll tweet "on my way home" and someone will favourite it like a goat"  (Aaargh, yes!  Farm animals are always favoriting my most boring tweets!  Grr!)
• "should women serve on juries"  (Don't women have enough rights already?)
• "uncomfortably sexy german man"  (Hallo.  Mein name eez Dieter.  I ahm very sexy but it maakes me so uncahmftoble.)
• "i don't get confused while shopping for clothes"  (Big whoop.  I don't get confused when I'm at the grocery store or the dry cleaner.)
• "gayest looking man"  (Here is my submission.  This is also a fave.)
• "10 things butch lesbians like in bed"  (1. pillows; 2. sheets; 3. duvets; 4. books; 5. socks; 6. iPhones; 7. blankets; 8. puppies; 9. hot chocolate; 10. saltines.)
• "how to maintain peace with a hipster butch"  (Whenever she mentions a band, say, "Whoa, I've never heard of them.")
• "tools aren't butch"  (Untrue.)
• "abstract llbean"  (Theoretical REI.  Conceptual Target.  Ideational Macy's Mens.  It's a postmodern shopping extravaganza!)
• "is ellen a dyke because she wears men's clothing"  (Yes!  Men's clothing turns straight women gay!  I put on a men's vest back in '06 and I've never recovered.)
• "what make women become dyke"  (Women wear men clothes women become dyke so weird but so fun!)
  
• "flirting with my tie"  (That seems like a last resort.  Have you tried online dating?  Or dressing a cute straight girl in men's clothes?)
• "pictures of my old gay clock"  (Here's one!)
  
• "1 so good store that people would be so intrestid in and it has to be writen in"  (Worst business plan ever.)
• "lesbian, the girl seems awkward with my presence"  (Perhaps the girl lesbian is just awkward with your sentence construction.)

• "ways to bring a lesbian demon in the girls bedroom"  (You are creepy.  Please put down the Internet machine and call a friend.)
  
• "Im butch lez so do i make a good decision by buying my g.f a box of chocolate and card?"  (If she likes unimaginative convention, you're so on it!)
• "teen lesbians showing thier boobs and in mood of dangerous"  (I'm going to be in mood of dangerous if your writing doesn't improve.)
• "be kind to the straight people"  (They can't help it, the poor dears.)
• "how to wear a banana swim suit"  (A banana is not a sufficient swimsuit!  Tangerines and strawberries are out, too.  Maybe a really big watermelon, though.  Maybe.)
• "lesbians who use restrooms to get girls"  (Hey, baby.  Been to this restroom before?  Yeah, it's one of my favorites, too.  Want to check out the toilet paper?)
• "amanda palmer impostor syndrome"  (A little-known syndrome in which the sufferer believes he or she is named "Amanda Palmer.")
• "hit butch lesbians"  (Ack!  Please don't!)
• "lesbian drees"  (Get yer lesbian drees!  Right here, only ten dollars a dree!  Limited time only!)
• "leopard pocket shirt general pants"  (For those days when you want an extremely specific shirt, but you want your pants to be applicable to pretty much everyone.)
• "just because you are gay doesn't mean you like straight people"  (That's right!  And being a dolphin doesn't mean you like cats.  And being a wrestler doesn't mean you like baseball players.)
• "how to know if youre the butch one"  (If you're googling it, you're probably not the butch one.)
• "would a tattoo of five stars in different sizes on the right foot mean you're lesbian?"  (Yes.)  
• "what Christmas present to buy the butchy b**** you don't like"  (I'm not sure which is weirder--the fact that this person is putting so much effort into buying a present for someone they don't like, or that they conducted their search with "b****" instead of "bitch," or that they thought that this was an actual genre of gifting.)
• "pod bielu koselu tricko"  (What?)
• "ONE DIRECTION BINGO"  (SOUNDS PRETTY STRICT.)
• "sexy hanukkah costume"  (You've got my dreidel spinnin', baby.)  
• "i like calling my girlfriend mama lesbian"  (For some reason, I hope that this isn't a lesbian who calls her girlfriend "mama," but a straight guy who likes to call his girlfriend "mama lesbian.")
• "Monopoly sex"  (Buy me a railroad, baby!  Put up a hotel on Illinois Avenue!  Then cover me in fake pastel money!  Yeeeees, that's what mama lesbian likes!)
• "ashton kutcher wikipedia español"  (How did this person get to Butch Wonders?)
• "if there is a four year difference in age can we still date in oregon"  (Four-year age differences are illegal in Oregon.  Five-year age differences are fine, though.)
  
• "if you're 18 years of age can you hit someone younger than you?"  (No; you have to wait till you're 63 to hit someone younger.  Except in Oregon.)
• "lion suit good gents"  (Because every good gent fancies a jungle animal dress-up day now and again.)
• "classy men doing classy things"  (Like dressing up as a lion!)
  
• "mens toilet paper outfit"  (Another classy option for a classy man!)
• "classy guy wearing a long plaid skirt"  (This month's searches abound with classy options!)
  
• "how to make everyone know someone is gay" (Flier the building.)
• "where can i buy a penis cake pan in grand island nebraska"  You are way too exciting for Grand Island, Nebraska.)
• "what to say when someone asks who the girl is in a gay relationship"  (Tell 'em, "If you can't figure it out yourself, that means you're gay, too!")
• "whole knitted man suit"  (Yes, this is obviously a bad idea, but you may not grasp how bad unless you see it.)

That's it for today, folks.  Back to my watered-down Gatorade!  Much love to you for the new year!

How is it December?  My November was sucked away by mono, and that's not fair.  Now I'll have to party* twice as hard in December to compensate.

As is the tradition here on Butch Wonders, I'm sharing a list of the best search terms that have delivered Googlers to the BW blog in the last month:

• "why do lesbians wear sweater vests"  (Because mean people keep cutting the sleeves off our sweaters.)

• "how to make a butch lesbian happy"  (Leave her sweaters alone.)
  
• "when my friend wears the same dress the next morning after a party"  (It means that her night was better than your night.)
  
• "when i wear a dress, the sides of my"  (Mine too!)
• "how do i know if i am a butch lesbain"  (If you can't spell it, you aren't one.)
  
• "best way to keep ties" (House arrest.)
• "just let me put it in a couple of inches"  (I don't suppose you're talking about sticking your foot in a sock, are you?)
  
• "what does it mean when you date someone and they turn gay"  (It means you made them gay.  This is definitely all about you.)
  
• "how do i find a gay man"  (Any Starbucks in SF or NY are good bets.  Also, Labor Day sales at Nordstrom.)
  
• "girls brush each other hair gay?"  (Definitely.)
  
• "video sexy teen Waller Invisible Gel"  (How did you get to BW??)
  
• "should a woman have a boy toy"  (This is highly contingent upon what you mean by "boy toy.")
  
• "'3 inches' neckties"  (Probably too short, unless you are a rodent.)
• "one syllable nicknames like ace"  (Mace.  Case.  Lace.  Pace.)
  
• "mononucleosis nipples"  (I have no words.)
• "how.does.butch,look.like.in.real.life"  (all.butch,look.different.in.   real.life.shocking,just.like.other.people.)
• "what would my demon name be"  (Mono Nips)
  
• "lesbian part of my wedding"  (I love the idea of weddings having a "lesbian part!"  Somewhere between "Here Comes the Bride" and the exchange of vows, the minister says, "Now I want every woman here to kiss another woman.  This is the sacred lesbian part of the wedding.")
  
• "lesbian imposter syndrome"  (This is a little-known disorder caused by a virus thought to originate in Northampton, Massachusetts.  It typically lasts from age 18-22 or so.)
• "lesbian flirt touch eye"  (Yes, we love having our eyeballs caressed!)
• "tattoo lesbians"  (That's the other thing we love--tattoo us!  But make it a surprise--do it while we're sleeping.)
  
• "why do gay people hate straight people"  (Because they never touch our eyeballs firmly enough.)
  
• "im butch"  (No you're not.  Real butches punctuate better than that.)
  
• "ideas on what a lesbian should wear to a white party"  (Wear purple.  It’s festive.)
• "ideas of what to put in my dresser"  (Don’t you wonder about people sometimes?)
• "how to tell if a lesbian likes you"  (She'll touch your eye.  Firmly.)
  
• "butch menstrual pads"  (Can you imagine?  Sports logos instead of flowers, and mint or eucalyptus scents instead of “fresh daisy” or whatever.  Ooo—we could have butch tampons, too; instead of a string, they’d have a chain.)
• "i think my girlfriends a lesbian sweater"  (Well, at least she can keep you warm at night.)
• "i confuse people with my incredibly good"  (I clarify with my bad.)
• "what does it mean when my girlfriend calls me puppy"  (It means she thinks you are too butch.)
  
• "how to politely ask someone not to butch"  (Just say, "Hi puppy.")
  
• "how to attack a woman older than me 10years how to make a relation" (If you’re looking to "make a relation," you might want to abandon the  "attack" approach.)
• "dont use hair products"  (As if I'd take hair advice from someone who doesn't use apostrophes.)
  
• "do lesbians always have a butch"  (Always.)
  
• "cute nicknames for butcher"  (Meat Dude.  Salami Mommy.  Adulescentulus carnifex.  But isn’t it a little weird to nickname your butcher?)
• "can you wear a sweater vest in 2012"  (Uh...  sure, if you want to get arrested.  Thank goodness it'll be legal again in 2013.)
  
• "can you like both femm and butchy girls"  (Nope.  Your romantic preferences need to fall into a nice, neat category.)
• "butch lesbian signs"  (Yes, she does!  Though admittedly, I have no idea what she's saying.)
  
• "butch lesbian escort"  (Email me; I'll send you a price list.)
  
• "bridemaids party pants"  (Woohoo!  Bring out the party pants!)
  
• "being gay and happy"  (Yeaaah!  In my lesbian party pants!)
  
• "are lesbians obsessed with each other?"  (No, [lesbians lesbians lesbians lesbians] that's [lesbians lesbians] ridiculous [lesbians!])
  
• "are dr martens lesbian"  (All the cute ones are.)
  
• "allintext:Ich würde mit Ihnen muss hier überprüfen. Welche ist nichts, was ich normalerweise tue! Ich bekomme Vergnügen beim Lesen eines veröffentlichen, machen Individuen denken kann. Darüber hinaus ermöglicht dank für mich zu bemerken! Xyj"  (Yes.  That's what I've been trying to say all along.  No one gets me like you do, baby.)
• "roughest butch lesbians"  (Me, Justin Bieber, and Ellen DeGeneres)
  
• "a butch likes me and i dont like it"  (Tough luck.  Now you're gay.)
  

* And by "party," I mean catch up on work.

Hi BW readers!  It's been almost a week since you heard from me.  I've been uncharacteristically tired and had a weird constellation of other symptoms, so I went to the doctor, and...  I have mono!  Mononucleosis!  For the third time.  I am writing this with a pillow wedged beneath my upper left side to ease the constant pain of my swollen spleen.  Awesome!

Anyway, I miss you.  Not all my readers--I love them all, but I miss YOU specifically.  So I wanted to say hi.  And what better way to say hi than sharing a list of the weirdest search terms that brought people to Butch Wonders in October?  Here you go:

• "bride requiring bridesmaids nipple piercing"  (Not okay, people.)
• "are chukka boots gay"  (These days they prefer to be called "queer," but yes--they live an alternative lifestyle.)
• "whats the best way to flirt with dike"  (A "dike" is a rock embankment that prevents floods.  I'd try splashing it playfully with river water.)
• "should lesbian sister be made to wear dress"  (Read this.  Apply liberal douses to all related situations.  P.S. You scare me.)
• "how to make a faux hawk without looking butch"  (You'll have better luck making Johnny Weir look straight.  We have a monopoly!)
  
• "quizzes on things that can be worn"  (Okay, here's the quiz:          1. shoes  2. shirts  3. wild ponies  4. hats  5. volcanoes 6. gloves.   Answers: 1, 2, 4, and 6 = yes.  3 and 5 = no.)
• "lesbians pet names"  (We've talked about precision before, but this is getting out of control.  Are we talking about pet names others have for lesbians, or lesbians' cutsey little names for other people, or the names of cats, dogs, ferrets, etc., owned by lesbians?  Is the elimination of ambiguous modifiers too much to ask?  Gah!)
• "butch girl signs"  (Found one!)
  
• "lesbian do whatever you want"  (Uh...  thanks.  I will.)
• "do gays wear football jerseys"  (In 21 states we're not allowed to, but the Supreme Court may touch on this in the DOMA ruling.)
  
• "is it gay to hug a gay guy"  (Yes.  It will make you gay, although if you weren't gay before the hug, you'll still be allowed to wear football jerseys.  Freakin' loopholes.)
• "create your own demon name"  (Bob.  Tom.  Alicia.  I did it!!!)
• "why do butch lesbians have kids"  (Because hamsters die too fast.)
• "why do boys love boy toys"  (Maybe there are inherent, biological differences between boys and girls that make boys love trucks and girls love tutus.  Or maybe it's the pervasive gender-based socialization in our society.  I vote #2.)
• "why are all lesbians in michigan butch"  (I don't know, but after all these years, you've finally given me a reason to seek a pleasant peninsula.) 
• "who rules the universe"  (Bob, Tom, Alicia, et. al.  See above.)
• "swimming pool post/2012"  (No one knows what post-2012 swimming pools will look like, but we can't wait to find out.)
• "single mom dating kids under age 3 too soon"  (Who cares whether it's "too soon?!"  Dating kids under age three is illegal and wrong!  Seek professional help.)
• "signs that a butch lesbian wants you but is sometimes an ass"  (Butch lesbian is interested in you; has a pulse.)
• "samurai haircut lesbian"  (The first thing that popped into my mind was a beauty salon version of this [now unfunny] old SNL skit.)
• "make your own demon fox"  (Check.)
• "lesbain tattoo"  (I hope this person's tattoo artist has spell-check.)
• "if someone asks you for homosexual sex"  (You are required to give it to them, unless you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
• "if a lesbian opens the door for you"  (It means she is requesting homosexual sex.  If you do not find her attractive, I hope you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
• "i want to transition to a girl because i love girls"  (In that case, I want to transition to a Butterfinger candy bar.)
• "how to talk to yur children when parents embarc on dating"  (Furst talk to yur kidz about importents of spellign.)
• "dark very butch hair nine tits very young"  (I like tits as much as the next dyke, but nine of 'em seems like an awful lot.)
• "comma splicing fun teaching for hairdressers"  (Comma splice fun teaching for everyone!)
  
• "can you melt butch"  (Yes, if you get the pan hot enough.)
• "how do i tell if clothing is male"  (It used to be that you could tell just by looking.  But now you have to ask it how it "identifies.")
• "happy monday dogs"  (Happy Wednesday, capybaras!  Happy Friday, piglets!  Happy Tuesday, arthropods!  This is like some bizare version of Goodnight Moon.)
• "gay xmas picture"  (How about this, this, or this?)
• "gay friend surprise in bed"  (Doesn't this sound like an Oprah episode waiting to happen?)
• "what does it mean when a lady ask you if you know a plumber"  (It means she wants you to rub Jell-O in her armpit.)
• "what does it mean if a butch lesbian stares a lot"  (It means she's a plumber.)
• "butch dog names"  (Jojo, Rasputin, Twinkletoes.)
  
• "butch cat names"  (Merlin, Lucinda, Archibald.)
• "how to make a four year age gap work"  (Eliminate welfare.)
• "how much do you age in a year?"  (Approximately 365 days.)
• "how do you get a girl to like you if your a girl and she is not lesbian"  (If she is not a lesbian, you're going to have to make her one.  Start by asking her if she knows a plumber.  If she comes at you with Jell-O in hand, you're golden.)
  

Your swollen-spleened Butterfinger-loving demon fox,
BW

Ask and you shall receive, dear readers!  Here's a list of my favorite search terms from last month. 

• "what is a good nick name for your butch girlfriend"  ("Twinkly lotus melon" is popular.  So is "Binky the love muffin.")
• "meaning of hugs for lesbians"  (Hugs are how we reproduce.  Every time a lesbian couple hugs, they're trying to rescue a cat.)
• "you did seem kinda butch.they probably thought you were overcompensating" (Yeah, probably so.)
• "when a butch says its not fair during sex"  (So during sex, is the butch saying, "It's not fair?"  Or is the butch saying, "It's not fair during sex?"  Punctuation is everything, people.)
• "gay men over 30 exposed in too short shorts hangout bottom videos" (The specificity of people's... special interests...  never ceases to amaze me.)
• "what is buddies like" (Buddies is like very good friends who brush each others' hair while making up limericks about Paul Ryan.  Is like that.  But is different.)
  
• "understated lesbian wallpaper" (How about this?)
• "should a 13/14 year old date a 53 year old if 'age is just a number'?"  (Sometimes age is not just a number.  Sometimes it's a neon sign that says, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOOOOO!")
• "pet lesbians"  (Do you think this refers to people who want to keep lesbians as pets, or to people who want to pet lesbians?  Either way, I am disturbed.  Please do not pet the lesbians.)
• "my girlfriend is half a year older than me"  (I'd bet $5 that if you are googling this, you are under the age of 14.)
  
• "men sock fetish nashville"  (See you at the national convention!)
• "lesbian butch seeking website to match up with"  (See, those same-sex marriage opponents shouldn't worry that we're going to marry animals.  We want to marry websites!)
• "im a butch and want to be skinny"  (Okay.  We'll allow it.)
• "i hugged a gay man today"  (Did you make a rainbow with him?  He may have secretly gay-sexed you without you even knowing it!)
• "gay guys love a guy with buzz mohawk"  (Truer words have never been spoken.  Ever.)
• "e j crowell equine massage"  (Sorry, what?)
• "can you have a timberland boot fetish and be straight"  (Nope, everyone knows that Timberlands are for flaming homosexuals.)
• "can i make my own demon name"  (No.  I will name your demon for you.  Congratulations: your demon's name is Anthony L. Firetag.)
  
• "whats a healthy age difference between gay men and women"  (If you're a woman, always pretend that the gay man is younger by at least a couple years.)
• "butch is nickname for what name"  (Penelope.)
• "i mentioned getting a haircut to my mom and she said dont go butch, should i be offended?"  (Not if your name is Penelope.)
• "how do you say congrats to someone who just became gay"  (If you are also gay, you yell, "Congrats, cray cray gay jay!"  If you are not gay, it is customary to give the newly out person a small gift, such as Timberlands or a gift certificate for an equine massage.)

These may not be as patently silly as May's search terms were, but it still amazes me what people can search for to reach Butch Wonders.  Here are some of my favorites from this month:

• "top 10 butch chick names"  (Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, Mittens, Pammi, Tammi, Kitti, Kiki, Candi, and Lulu.)
• "how to be more butch" (Change your name to one of the above.)

• "my butch will not have sex until after marriage."  (I just hope you don't live in Arkansas or something.  That could be a loooong wait.)
• "i have a crush on my friend angie who is a lesbian shes 30 im 62"  (The specificity of this search is what gets me.  Did this person expect to find a website that was like: "Hey, if your name's Angie and you're 62, you've got to read this?")
• "straight women attracted to butch women"  (Butch women hot.  Straight women not so straight.)
• "are rachel maddow and susan still together"  (Rachel hasn't called to ask me out yet, so I'm assuming so.)
  
• "lesbian bloogs"  (Are ooften gooood tooo loooook at.)
• "want to do it all syndrome"  (If this is a real thing, I totally have it.)
• "why does ellen only wear pants?"  (What is this person watching??  Disappointingly, in everything I've seen, Ellen is wearing a shirt, too.)
• "wonders of the world very very very very very very very very wonderful than all wonders of the world"  (Butch wonders very very very very very very wonderful indeed.)
• "my daughter is beautiful and is attracted to butchish women"  (Yay!  Lucky you!  You get the best of both worlds: a true gentleman for your daughter, and a daughter-in-law for yourself.)
• "lesbian thank you for smelling good"  (You're welcome.)
• "how many dogs have the name butch"  (3667.)
• "i want a faux hawk but im a girl"  (Sorry.  Your sex presents an  insurmountable obstacle to the haircut you want.)
  
• "dont date temperamental men"  (Good idea.)
• "does it mean your gay if you have a fohawk"  (Yup.)
• "why are people butch lesbians"  (Because sometimes hairstylists accidentally give straight women fauxhawks and it turns us into butch lesbians.  Sadly, it's irreversible.)
• "wear only suit vest"  (Bad advice.  I suggest pants as well.)
  
• "Do straight guys hug a gay guy as friends?"  (No.  As I've covered in the past, this turns you gay.  A straight women can hug a lesbian without becoming a lesbian...  but if the lesbian she hugs is butch, they will probably become at least a little bit gay.)
• "how to tell if your butch"  Look at the palms of your hands.  If you are butch, there will be either a green crescent or a purple star immediately below one or both of your index fingers.