I just received a note from a reader who's having trouble communicating with her butch DGF ("dear girlfriend").  She asked if I could "translate" some common butch idioms.

One mistake many butch-lovers make is assuming that butches are just like the stereotypes they have of heterosexual men.  If you Google "what men really mean," you'll find hundreds of sites purporting to explain exactly this.  Let's leave aside for a moment the offensive nature of most of those articles, and assume for the sake of argument that there's some truth to them.  Even so, [non-male-identified] butches are not men, and "rules" of "understanding men" apply to us only sometimes.

It's impossible to write something like this without giant, whopping dollops of stereotype.  I figure I'll get flak for this, but I went ahead and made a list anyway.  I'll will be interested to learn whether any of it resonates with you.

(Writing this, I realized that while I would like to think that I'm incredibly straightforward and literal practically to a fault, that's not always true...)

How about you?  Did any of these examples sound familiar?  What's some other "butchspeak" that needs to be translated?

When I started this blog, I swore that I was never going to apologize for not posting frequently enough.  I'll just post whenever I want, I thought.  It's not like I'm going to feel guilty if I don't.

Well, I'm going to go back on my word: sorry it's been so long since I posted!  A few things have happened in the last month-ish of time that have taken me away from blogging.  Want to know what they are?

• Someone I respect immensely recommended a job to me that I wouldn't have considered on my own.  Now I've applied and have that kind of excitement that buzzes around in your head and throat and prevents you from doing anything useful.  I'm not sure if I'm more scared that I won't get the job, or that I will.  Either way, it's shaken things up in a way that is not at all unpleasant.
• I am taking two classes, just for fun.  Haven't done this in a while.  Readings!  Homework!  Papers!  It's madness, I tell you!
• My DGF and I turned some kind of indefinable "corner" and I feel closer to her than ever. 
  
• I broke my foot and it has to be in an "air cast" for two more weeks.  Then I get another x-ray.  And only then am I allowed to even think about getting back to hiking.  Gah!
  
• My DXH and his DGF are engaged!  Whoa!  I am immensely happy for both of them and excited because they are totally happy and make a phenomenal couple.  (Actually, they got engaged more than a month ago, but they sent me their wedding website the other day, and that was when I realized: OMG.  They're getting married!)
• I met Butch on Tap when she took a work-related trip to my neck of the woods.  It was fun!  We agreed that we are officially friends, and I'm hoping we'll collaborate on some stuff in the future.  Stay tuned...
• I thought lot about the gay marriage arguments, listened to the oral argument in Windsor, and started to write a couple of different pieces about it, none of which came to fruition because they all devolved into rambling about how much I admire people like Edie Windsor, and how grateful I am to the LGBTQ folks who paved the way for us.

So there it is, dear readers; you're totally caught up on my life.

Now stay tuned for our regularly scheduled programming...

You've probably heard of the "half your age plus seven" rule of age differences in dating.  The idea is that you divide your age by two, then add seven; that's the youngest person you're "allowed" to date.  It's silly, but functions as a supposed "guide" to "acceptable" age differences.

Tons of people reach Butch Wonders by searching for things like "lesbian age differences," "age difference formula gay," and "what's the rule for gay age differences?"  I can yammer on for days about how it's silly to have a "formula," how all relationships are unique, and yada yada yada.  But at the end of the day, people want an easy answer.

So here's your easy answer.  In the gay community, we get a bit more leeway.  The acceptable age difference for us is wider than it is for straight people, and the difference grows as we age.

The age difference formula for same-sex relationships is graphed below.  We are in blue; opposite-sex relationships are in red.  (I know this doesn't take into account bi-gendered people and many other shades of queer, but that involved parabolas and was just too complicated.)  The formula is one-third your age plus ten years.

This took extremely difficult, comprehensive, and painstaking research on my part--not to mention, many sleepless nights.  Now let's practice. 

If you're straight and 30, you can date a 22-year-old.  If you're gay and 30, a 20-year-old.  48 and straight?  A 31-year-old.  But 48 and gay?  a 26-year-old.  Ka-bam!  You've got it!

So, now you know.  There's your formula.  One-third your age plus 10.  If you deviate from it simply to make yourself "happy," or because you've "fallen in love" or whatever, know that you're contravening science itself.

I was searching for a computer cord earlier today and came across this little device, which changes "male" plugs into "female" and vice versa.  No idea why they call it a "gender changer" rather than a "sex changer."  Clearly, no sociologists were consulted.

If you were gifted with a gender changer for people, would you use it?  On yourself or others?  How often?  What exactly would it do? 

Last March, I wrote a three-part Field Guide to Butches, which you can check out here if you missed it: Part I, Part II, Part III.  I decided it was time to make some additions:

The Butch Class Clown
Example: Jane Lynch
Pros: Hilarious, great with your friends, quick to reconcile after arguments.
Cons: Sleeps in late; may be slightly self-centered; financial stability varies.
Looks Especially Good: Smiling, which is nearly all the time.  (Seriously, check out the pic--is there anything in the world cuter than Jane Lynch with a puppy?)
Care Instructions: If you don't understand her sense of humor, the relationship is doomed.  May need occasional assistance juggling projects and managing household tasks, but a quick learner.  Ego more fragile than first appears.

The Oblivious Butch (not pictured)
Pros: Unconcerned with her identity (and possibly yours), has no interest in discussing related topics, even though everyone else considers her butch.
Cons: See "pros."
Looks Especially Good: If you can wrangle her into slacks and a tie.
Care Instructions: Unusually low-maintenance.  Fashion sense may vary, so be vigilant.  May grow bored in conversations about LGBTQI-related topics.  Probably does not know what the "I" stands for and doesn't particularly care.

Chef Butch
Example: Michelle Ragussis
Pros: Excellent hair, great tattoos, creative, spunky.
Cons: Works long hours, may not want to cook at home (check on this factor before committing).
Looks Especially Good: Sampling your sauces.
Care Instructions: Whether she's a line cook or the head of her own restaurant, Chef Butch is committed to her trade and will expect your support.  Works crazy hours.  Ensure that she doesn’t just cook veggies; she also eats them occasionally.  Low-maintenance with little need of wardrobe assistance.

Barista Butch (not pictured)
Pros: Can make a mean latte, has great fashion sense; creative.
Cons: Moodiness; varied reliability; easily bored.
Looks Especially Good: Steaming up your foam.
Care Instructions: Hard to engage in casual conversation, the barista butch is every bit as creative and mysterious as she first appears.  Many in the species hold a PhD in the humanities or social sciences and may be starved for intellectual discussion; provide literary or other conversation as needed.

Professor Butch
Example: Jack Halberstam
Pros: Smart, well-read, patient and attentive (if occasionally forgetful), finds most things interesting.
Cons: Her hotness makes it hard to pay attention in lecture; everyone in the class has a crush on her (straight women, too); may use words like "hegemonic" in casual conversation.
Looks Especially Good: On her couch during office hours.
Care Instructions: Requires steady diet of books and caffeine (switch diet to baked goods following paper rejections).  If weather is temperate, set outside at least 20 minutes daily to infuse with Vitamin D.

The Sports Fan Butch (not pictured)
Pros and Cons: This type doesn't occur in isolation, but co-occurs with any other kind of butch, and may emerge only on weekends.  Identify one or more other species and refer to those pros and cons as applicable.
Looks Especially Good: Wearing a jersey...  Just a jersey.
Care Instructions: Follow her instructions while her favorite team is playing.  She may believe that she can somehow affect a team's performance through elaborate rituals such as wearing "lucky" clothing  Play along.  Do not block the television.  Though she may appear inflexible, the Sports Fan Butch is an excellent bargaining target and will agree to anything in order to watch her game uninterrupted.  (Q: "Honey, when the game's over, will you take out the trash, then take me to a movie?"  A: "Uh-huh, whatever.") 

Nurse/Doctor Butch
Example: Edie Falco as Nurse Jackie (Yeah, she's straight, but she’s totally butch.  Plus, we all know she'd go lesbo for Dr. O'Hara).
Pros: Straightforward, decisive, quick-witted, employable.
Cons: Unapologetic, reluctant to express emotion, works long hours.
Looks Especially Good: In scrubs, barking out orders.
Care Instructions: Will be exhausted after 20-hour shifts; don’t expect her to engage in conversation.  Instead, give her a shoulder massage and send her to bed.  Plan fun for days off.  Be firm; she may try to boss you around.

Whew, January flew by and I left the house perhaps 8-9 times, max (that includes 2 doctor visits!).  But I'm proud to announce that I feel much better.  Public Service Announcement: Get your vaccinations, people!

Anyway, January gifted us with another month of delightful and unlikely searches that got people to Butch Wonders.  Some of my favorites:

• "gays don't get it"  (I know, right?  That's what I'm saying.  What's up with those gays??)
  
• "what can i use instead of hair gel that won't make my hair shiny"  (Corn starch.  Sand.  Lava rock.  Cooked spaghetti.)
  
• "butch menstrual products"  (A tampon with a chain!  A pantyliner that has one side made of sandpaper!  A "survival" pad that's inflatable and doubles as a life raft!)
  
• "big breasts and bicycle"  (Really, what more do you need?)
  
• "a woman compliments on my boots is she lesbian"  (Yeah, she's got to be.  I mean, what straight person even wears footwear these days?  It just seems like a gay thing.)
  
• "22gay boys"  (Sittin’ in a tree!  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!)
• how to deal with awkwardly gay people"  (How is one "awkwardly gay?"  Like you just say GAY THINGS at random during formal dinners?)
  
• "butches and more butches and even more interesting butches"  (Yay!  We've found paradise at last!)
  
• "www.m a 18 yrs boy how should i play wid my gf body part i love 2 play tips.com"  (I swear that this was a real search.)
  
• www.bielu saxye hie saxye all video.com  (This, too.  Who are these people?  What do they want?)
  
• leopards guy panties  (Leopards do not wear "panties."  They are far too butch for that.)
• "what is too big an age gap for a relationship"  (305 years would definitely be too big.  One of the people would be dead.  So that would be stupid.)
• "is 3 years a big age difference"  (Yes, if you are a caterpillar).
  
• "do you know any gay people"  (GROSS--no!)
  
• "dhamster nipplepircing on girles"  (No.  Just no.)
  
• "what not to say to gay people"  (Here are some ideas: "Gay people suck."  "Your house is on fire."  "I ran over your dog and slept with your partner.")
• "many toy department are segregated" (I know!  As you already know if you follow me on Twitter, I saw this sign at my local drug store recently.  How screwed up is this?  I don't think boxes even use toys that much.  It just seems stupid to segregate boxes from people:) 
  

• "Butchy yes or no"  (Yes.)
  

• "butch gender restaurant fries waiter"  (Fries are my gender.)
  
• "butch and femme partners make no sense"  (Neither does trying to comprehend attraction by googling this, but here you are.)
  
• "???? ???"  (!!!! !!!)
  
• "??? ?????"  (!!! !!!!!)
  
• "22gay guys" (Sittin' in a tree!  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!)
• "+how often does it happen that a butch lesbian has a baby for her partner" (NEVER, I hope.  Her partner needs to be at least 18.)
• "amount of butch"  (36-43 grams)
• "i have no butchness left"  (This can be a problem.  Sometimes the butchness can leak right out of you if you don't get regular checkups.  Spend an hour in Macy's Men's, re-read Stone Butch Blues, and complete two repairs that require your toolbox.  You'll be good as new.)
  
• "how to make half butch muffins"  (Add 1 pinch navy blue pantsuit, 1 dollop short hair ["feathered"], 2 tbsp Chapstick, an REI gift certificate, and an androgynous shoe.  Bake until butch is "soft."  Garnish with 2 small silver earrings.)
  
• "grandma leopard outfit"  (Boom.)
  
• "girls tie guys up and put makeup on them"  (Straight people are so weird.  Are we SURE their marriages should be legal?!)
• "straight people are so cute"  (Yeah, when they're not engaging in their weird, freaky sexual practices.)
  
• "Generally how do butches react n behave"  (Generally, we are perfection incarnate.  [Results may vary.])
  
• "gay people make me awkward"  (I am not sure it's the gay people who are doing the heavy lifting in that regard.)
  
• "gay men in wool sweaters having sex"  (This wins the specific-fetish-of-the-month award.)
  
• "decent beach party costumes"  (I like that this person isn't aiming particularly high.)
  
• "how women wear a tie casually"  (This strikes me as quite casual.)
  
• "Football called me a dyke"  (Awww, your very own Wilson!  But if you're stranded on an island, how do you have Internet access??)
  
• "gay people are jerks"  (And you, ma'am, are a poopy head.)
  
• "do i know any gay people"  (If you don’t, it means YOU’RE the gay one.  You're gay!!  Nyah Nyah Nyah!!)
  
• "do butch women open doors"  (Yes, quite often--particularly if we need to get into a building.)
• "butch lesbian jury duty"  (Waaait...  We don't get to marry, but we have to serve jury duty?!  Folks, maybe we've been taking the wrong tack.  Maybe we should ask for fewer rights and try to eliminate the whole "jury duty" thing.  Like a special snow day for gay people.)
  
• "dating a women who has a ex"  (Most women have a ex, my friend.  Some have an multiple exes.)
• "creative ways to hang my ties"  (On a wall!  On a tree!  On some dogs!  On a yourself while you're wearing a polo shirt!)
  
• "cousin ultis"  (Ah, Cousin Ultis.  If only he'd been a little faster.  Or the mountain lion had been a little slower.  Or if he hadn't taunted the mountain lion with roast beef and kissing noises.)
  
• "Nice effort, very informative, this will help me to complete my task"  (If your task is to sound like a robot, you have already completed it!)
  
• "can there be an age gap between lesbians"  (No.  All lesbians have to be exactly the same age as each other.)
  
• "my age is is 15 but we says it 14 why?"  (We lies.)
• "do you think we should piss on the floor in case there are no gay people around?"  (If you think peeing on the floor is going to remedy your potential-lack-of-gay-people problem, you've been misinformed.)
• "butch up your tattoo"  (This seems like a good idea, so I came up with two examples:)
  

First, suppose you have a simple heart tattoo.

I mean, whatever.  It's fine, if not exactly butch.  But with a few simple edits at your local tattoo parlor, you can make a statement about your identity:

Easy, right?

Okay, let's take another example.  Suppose that in a bout of drunken and/or misdirected whimsy, you decided to get the following tattoo of a flower:

But now you've decided that the flower conflicts with your uber-butch identity.  You need something tougher...  what can you do??

Never fear!  With a little creativity, you can butch up your tattoo in no time:

Whoa!  Now your flower's the propeller of a plane!  And it's shooting people!  Grrrrr!  War plane! 

...That's it!  Hope you're having a great weekend.  Enjoy the Superbowl, if that's your thing; if not, enjoy having the streets to yourself tomorrow. 

BTW, if you want to get one of my rad shirts (not a bad V-Day gift, if I do say so myself), you can get 30% off with the code "WELUVYOUSALE").

Happy 2013!  I've been sicker than a proverbial canine the past few days, and I think it's the flu.  For me, one of the worst things about having the flu is the caffeine withdrawal headache.  With a regular cold, I can power down a cup or two of coffee even when I don't feel like it.  But with the flu, NO way is anything going into my mouth besides saltines and watered-down Gatorade.  Which means a massive caffeine-withdrawal headache on top of the chills and nausea.  It's the only time I've thought seriously about popping caffeine pills.  But I resisted, because when you don't have caffeine for a few days and then you have it again, it's like, KA-POW!  (In a good way.)

Anyway, I thought I'd start the year by posting December's best search terms!  There were quite a few goodies last month that somehow landed people on Butch Wonders...

• "LESBIAN BUTCH" (This is a pretty common search term to get to my blog, but I love that 13 people searched for it in ALL CAPS.  Did they think that they would get DIFFERENT, SLIGHTLY LOUDER RESULTS?)
• "if someone asks you if you a boxer does it mean they want to have sex with you"  (Yes, it does.)
• "Dr.????PASCAL?????"  (Is???IT REALLY????YOU???)
• "what to call a cute butch"  (I usually go with either "You boxer" or "Dr. Pascal.")
• "men lycra sexy costume"  (A costume search oxymoron?)
• "lesbian porn two girls sweater vest"  ([Cue cheesy music]  Oh, Darla, look.  There's only sweater vest...  Looks like we will have to share.  [Meaningful glance])
• "gayism ends at age of 30 years"  (Ever since my gayism cleared up, my nasal congestion and burning sensations are gone!)
• "wearing a white tshirt and belt means you are lesbian"  (Duh.)
• "if a gir emails another woman everyday is she gay"  (For sure.)
  
• "sexy man with cape"  (Can it be a lycra cape?)
• "hamster nipplepircing on girles"  (Any way you slice it, this is an awkward search.)
• "butchy smack"  (I'ma talk some butchy smack at you.)
• "butch glue" (Your butchy smack bounces off me and sticks to you!)
• "cute university colors in california"  (Worst possible way to choose a college)
• "being gay at christmas"  (I like the idea of changing your sexual orientation for a holiday.  This Easter, I'll be straight!  Flag Day?  Bi!)
• "surprised gays having sex"  (Do you think they didn't know it was Christmas, then they woke up having sex and were like, "Oh--I totally forgot that we are gay at Christmas...")
  
• "i love surprises gay"  (Well, then merry Christmas!)
  
• "Some people favourite some weird stuff.. I'll tweet "on my way home" and someone will favourite it like a goat"  (Aaargh, yes!  Farm animals are always favoriting my most boring tweets!  Grr!)
• "should women serve on juries"  (Don't women have enough rights already?)
• "uncomfortably sexy german man"  (Hallo.  Mein name eez Dieter.  I ahm very sexy but it maakes me so uncahmftoble.)
• "i don't get confused while shopping for clothes"  (Big whoop.  I don't get confused when I'm at the grocery store or the dry cleaner.)
• "gayest looking man"  (Here is my submission.  This is also a fave.)
• "10 things butch lesbians like in bed"  (1. pillows; 2. sheets; 3. duvets; 4. books; 5. socks; 6. iPhones; 7. blankets; 8. puppies; 9. hot chocolate; 10. saltines.)
• "how to maintain peace with a hipster butch"  (Whenever she mentions a band, say, "Whoa, I've never heard of them.")
• "tools aren't butch"  (Untrue.)
• "abstract llbean"  (Theoretical REI.  Conceptual Target.  Ideational Macy's Mens.  It's a postmodern shopping extravaganza!)
• "is ellen a dyke because she wears men's clothing"  (Yes!  Men's clothing turns straight women gay!  I put on a men's vest back in '06 and I've never recovered.)
• "what make women become dyke"  (Women wear men clothes women become dyke so weird but so fun!)
  
• "flirting with my tie"  (That seems like a last resort.  Have you tried online dating?  Or dressing a cute straight girl in men's clothes?)
• "pictures of my old gay clock"  (Here's one!)
  
• "1 so good store that people would be so intrestid in and it has to be writen in"  (Worst business plan ever.)
• "lesbian, the girl seems awkward with my presence"  (Perhaps the girl lesbian is just awkward with your sentence construction.)

• "ways to bring a lesbian demon in the girls bedroom"  (You are creepy.  Please put down the Internet machine and call a friend.)
  
• "Im butch lez so do i make a good decision by buying my g.f a box of chocolate and card?"  (If she likes unimaginative convention, you're so on it!)
• "teen lesbians showing thier boobs and in mood of dangerous"  (I'm going to be in mood of dangerous if your writing doesn't improve.)
• "be kind to the straight people"  (They can't help it, the poor dears.)
• "how to wear a banana swim suit"  (A banana is not a sufficient swimsuit!  Tangerines and strawberries are out, too.  Maybe a really big watermelon, though.  Maybe.)
• "lesbians who use restrooms to get girls"  (Hey, baby.  Been to this restroom before?  Yeah, it's one of my favorites, too.  Want to check out the toilet paper?)
• "amanda palmer impostor syndrome"  (A little-known syndrome in which the sufferer believes he or she is named "Amanda Palmer.")
• "hit butch lesbians"  (Ack!  Please don't!)
• "lesbian drees"  (Get yer lesbian drees!  Right here, only ten dollars a dree!  Limited time only!)
• "leopard pocket shirt general pants"  (For those days when you want an extremely specific shirt, but you want your pants to be applicable to pretty much everyone.)
• "just because you are gay doesn't mean you like straight people"  (That's right!  And being a dolphin doesn't mean you like cats.  And being a wrestler doesn't mean you like baseball players.)
• "how to know if youre the butch one"  (If you're googling it, you're probably not the butch one.)
• "would a tattoo of five stars in different sizes on the right foot mean you're lesbian?"  (Yes.)  
• "what Christmas present to buy the butchy b**** you don't like"  (I'm not sure which is weirder--the fact that this person is putting so much effort into buying a present for someone they don't like, or that they conducted their search with "b****" instead of "bitch," or that they thought that this was an actual genre of gifting.)
• "pod bielu koselu tricko"  (What?)
• "ONE DIRECTION BINGO"  (SOUNDS PRETTY STRICT.)
• "sexy hanukkah costume"  (You've got my dreidel spinnin', baby.)  
• "i like calling my girlfriend mama lesbian"  (For some reason, I hope that this isn't a lesbian who calls her girlfriend "mama," but a straight guy who likes to call his girlfriend "mama lesbian.")
• "Monopoly sex"  (Buy me a railroad, baby!  Put up a hotel on Illinois Avenue!  Then cover me in fake pastel money!  Yeeeees, that's what mama lesbian likes!)
• "ashton kutcher wikipedia español"  (How did this person get to Butch Wonders?)
• "if there is a four year difference in age can we still date in oregon"  (Four-year age differences are illegal in Oregon.  Five-year age differences are fine, though.)
  
• "if you're 18 years of age can you hit someone younger than you?"  (No; you have to wait till you're 63 to hit someone younger.  Except in Oregon.)
• "lion suit good gents"  (Because every good gent fancies a jungle animal dress-up day now and again.)
• "classy men doing classy things"  (Like dressing up as a lion!)
  
• "mens toilet paper outfit"  (Another classy option for a classy man!)
• "classy guy wearing a long plaid skirt"  (This month's searches abound with classy options!)
  
• "how to make everyone know someone is gay" (Flier the building.)
• "where can i buy a penis cake pan in grand island nebraska"  You are way too exciting for Grand Island, Nebraska.)
• "what to say when someone asks who the girl is in a gay relationship"  (Tell 'em, "If you can't figure it out yourself, that means you're gay, too!")
• "whole knitted man suit"  (Yes, this is obviously a bad idea, but you may not grasp how bad unless you see it.)

That's it for today, folks.  Back to my watered-down Gatorade!  Much love to you for the new year!

I am sooo stoked!  The "Pets & Their Butches" calendar--inspired by YOU all, is finally here.  It took, oh, 20 times longer than I expected to make it, but I think it was worth it, and I hope you do, too. 

I received hundreds of submissions for the calendar--far more than I expected! I couldn't use them all, but congrats to the butches whose photos were chosen (as a monthly photo, or for the front/back cover, or for May or December, which are photo collages)!  Special thanks goes to my awesome DGF for making some of these photos much better and higher-res with her amazing Photoshop skills. 

This is such a cool example of butches coming together to create something awesome.  I hope you'll consider getting one.  They come in three different sizes.  Order two or more and get 50% off with the code 2CALDEALFREE.

Alas, Zazzle makes 75% of the profit (if I do this again, I'll look into better options!).  But 25% goes to support Butch Wonders--yay!--and after I cover my own costs, I'll be donating 100% of the profits to a local animal shelter.

So, what are you waiting for?  Go check out the calendar(!), and while you're at it, see if you like any of the other goodies I've created.

Last week, I had a Facebook contest in which I asked readers to send their favorite pictures of themselves with their pets.  The best photo wins a collar charm from Pooch Park Wear. 

I received photos from nearly 100 readers!  I'll put at least one photo from each person in the slide show below.  (Warning: make sure you're sitting down, because the sheer cuteness is likely to turn your knees to pudding.)

I had a lot of trouble deciding on the winner, so I thought I'd share my top five and let you guys vote on the best pic!  Here are the contestants:

Check out the rest of the awesome entries in the slideshow below.  And HUGE thanks to all the wonderful readers who shared a pic of themselves and their pets--from cats to dogs to bearded dragons!

How is it December?  My November was sucked away by mono, and that's not fair.  Now I'll have to party* twice as hard in December to compensate.

As is the tradition here on Butch Wonders, I'm sharing a list of the best search terms that have delivered Googlers to the BW blog in the last month:

• "why do lesbians wear sweater vests"  (Because mean people keep cutting the sleeves off our sweaters.)

• "how to make a butch lesbian happy"  (Leave her sweaters alone.)
  
• "when my friend wears the same dress the next morning after a party"  (It means that her night was better than your night.)
  
• "when i wear a dress, the sides of my"  (Mine too!)
• "how do i know if i am a butch lesbain"  (If you can't spell it, you aren't one.)
  
• "best way to keep ties" (House arrest.)
• "just let me put it in a couple of inches"  (I don't suppose you're talking about sticking your foot in a sock, are you?)
  
• "what does it mean when you date someone and they turn gay"  (It means you made them gay.  This is definitely all about you.)
  
• "how do i find a gay man"  (Any Starbucks in SF or NY are good bets.  Also, Labor Day sales at Nordstrom.)
  
• "girls brush each other hair gay?"  (Definitely.)
  
• "video sexy teen Waller Invisible Gel"  (How did you get to BW??)
  
• "should a woman have a boy toy"  (This is highly contingent upon what you mean by "boy toy.")
  
• "'3 inches' neckties"  (Probably too short, unless you are a rodent.)
• "one syllable nicknames like ace"  (Mace.  Case.  Lace.  Pace.)
  
• "mononucleosis nipples"  (I have no words.)
• "how.does.butch,look.like.in.real.life"  (all.butch,look.different.in.   real.life.shocking,just.like.other.people.)
• "what would my demon name be"  (Mono Nips)
  
• "lesbian part of my wedding"  (I love the idea of weddings having a "lesbian part!"  Somewhere between "Here Comes the Bride" and the exchange of vows, the minister says, "Now I want every woman here to kiss another woman.  This is the sacred lesbian part of the wedding.")
  
• "lesbian imposter syndrome"  (This is a little-known disorder caused by a virus thought to originate in Northampton, Massachusetts.  It typically lasts from age 18-22 or so.)
• "lesbian flirt touch eye"  (Yes, we love having our eyeballs caressed!)
• "tattoo lesbians"  (That's the other thing we love--tattoo us!  But make it a surprise--do it while we're sleeping.)
  
• "why do gay people hate straight people"  (Because they never touch our eyeballs firmly enough.)
  
• "im butch"  (No you're not.  Real butches punctuate better than that.)
  
• "ideas on what a lesbian should wear to a white party"  (Wear purple.  It’s festive.)
• "ideas of what to put in my dresser"  (Don’t you wonder about people sometimes?)
• "how to tell if a lesbian likes you"  (She'll touch your eye.  Firmly.)
  
• "butch menstrual pads"  (Can you imagine?  Sports logos instead of flowers, and mint or eucalyptus scents instead of “fresh daisy” or whatever.  Ooo—we could have butch tampons, too; instead of a string, they’d have a chain.)
• "i think my girlfriends a lesbian sweater"  (Well, at least she can keep you warm at night.)
• "i confuse people with my incredibly good"  (I clarify with my bad.)
• "what does it mean when my girlfriend calls me puppy"  (It means she thinks you are too butch.)
  
• "how to politely ask someone not to butch"  (Just say, "Hi puppy.")
  
• "how to attack a woman older than me 10years how to make a relation" (If you’re looking to "make a relation," you might want to abandon the  "attack" approach.)
• "dont use hair products"  (As if I'd take hair advice from someone who doesn't use apostrophes.)
  
• "do lesbians always have a butch"  (Always.)
  
• "cute nicknames for butcher"  (Meat Dude.  Salami Mommy.  Adulescentulus carnifex.  But isn’t it a little weird to nickname your butcher?)
• "can you wear a sweater vest in 2012"  (Uh...  sure, if you want to get arrested.  Thank goodness it'll be legal again in 2013.)
  
• "can you like both femm and butchy girls"  (Nope.  Your romantic preferences need to fall into a nice, neat category.)
• "butch lesbian signs"  (Yes, she does!  Though admittedly, I have no idea what she's saying.)
  
• "butch lesbian escort"  (Email me; I'll send you a price list.)
  
• "bridemaids party pants"  (Woohoo!  Bring out the party pants!)
  
• "being gay and happy"  (Yeaaah!  In my lesbian party pants!)
  
• "are lesbians obsessed with each other?"  (No, [lesbians lesbians lesbians lesbians] that's [lesbians lesbians] ridiculous [lesbians!])
  
• "are dr martens lesbian"  (All the cute ones are.)
  
• "allintext:Ich würde mit Ihnen muss hier überprüfen. Welche ist nichts, was ich normalerweise tue! Ich bekomme Vergnügen beim Lesen eines veröffentlichen, machen Individuen denken kann. Darüber hinaus ermöglicht dank für mich zu bemerken! Xyj"  (Yes.  That's what I've been trying to say all along.  No one gets me like you do, baby.)
• "roughest butch lesbians"  (Me, Justin Bieber, and Ellen DeGeneres)
  
• "a butch likes me and i dont like it"  (Tough luck.  Now you're gay.)
  

* And by "party," I mean catch up on work.