Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers! I wanted to take a second to tell you:
Whether you're gay or bi or queer or straight,
Or have turkey or tofu or yams on your plate--
Whether you're single or looking or coupled or married,
Whether you're chillin' or stressed out or sleepy or harried,
If you're hanging with family or if you are not,
If you're stuffed to the gills or not eating a lot--
If you're sick or you're well or somewhere in between,
Whether you love today or prefer Halloween,
Whether you're watching football or reading a book
Or condemning those Pilgrims for land that they took--
If you voted for Romney or voted Obama,
Or if you're a a grandparent, auntie, or mama,
Whether you find yourself happy or sad,
Or Black Friday makes you incredibly glad,
Whether you live in Milwaukee or Texas,
If you're taking the bus or if you drive a Lexus,
Whether you're in the snow or huddled by heaters,
I'm thankful for you, all my Butch Wonders readers!
Hi BW readers! It's been almost a week since you heard from me. I've been uncharacteristically tired and had a weird constellation of other symptoms, so I went to the doctor, and... I have mono! Mononucleosis! For the third time. I am writing this with a pillow wedged beneath my upper left side to ease the constant pain of my swollen spleen. Awesome!
Anyway, I miss you. Not all
my readers--I love them all, but I miss YOU specifically. So I wanted to say hi. And what better way to say hi than sharing a list of the weirdest search terms that brought people to Butch Wonders in October? Here you go:
- "bride requiring bridesmaids nipple piercing" (Not okay, people.)
- "are chukka boots gay" (These days they prefer to be called "queer," but yes--they live an alternative lifestyle.)
- "whats the best way to flirt with dike" (A "dike" is a rock embankment that prevents floods. I'd try splashing it playfully with river water.)
- "should lesbian sister be made to wear dress" (Read this. Apply liberal douses to all related situations. P.S. You scare me.)
- "how to make a faux hawk without looking butch" (You'll have better luck making Johnny Weir look straight. We have a monopoly!)
- "quizzes on things that can be worn" (Okay, here's the quiz: 1. shoes 2. shirts 3. wild ponies 4. hats 5. volcanoes 6. gloves. Answers: 1, 2, 4, and 6 = yes. 3 and 5 = no.)
- "lesbians pet names" (We've talked about precision before, but this is getting out of control. Are we talking about pet names others have for lesbians, or lesbians' cutsey little names for other people, or the names of cats, dogs, ferrets, etc., owned by lesbians? Is the elimination of ambiguous modifiers too much to ask? Gah!)
- "butch girl signs" (Found one!)
- "lesbian do whatever you want" (Uh... thanks. I will.)
- "do gays wear football jerseys" (In 21 states we're not allowed to, but the Supreme Court may touch on this in the DOMA ruling.)
- "is it gay to hug a gay guy" (Yes. It will make you gay, although if you weren't gay before the hug, you'll still be allowed to wear football jerseys. Freakin' loopholes.)
- "create your own demon name" (Bob. Tom. Alicia. I did it!!!)
- "why do butch lesbians have kids" (Because hamsters die too fast.)
- "why do boys love boy toys" (Maybe there are inherent, biological differences between boys and girls that make boys love trucks and girls love tutus. Or maybe it's the pervasive gender-based socialization in our society. I vote #2.)
- "why are all lesbians in michigan butch" (I don't know, but after all these years, you've finally given me a reason to seek a pleasant peninsula.)
- "who rules the universe" (Bob, Tom, Alicia, et. al. See above.)
- "swimming pool post/2012" (No one knows what post-2012 swimming pools will look like, but we can't wait to find out.)
- "single mom dating kids under age 3 too soon" (Who cares whether it's "too soon?!" Dating kids under age three is illegal and wrong! Seek professional help.)
- "signs that a butch lesbian wants you but is sometimes an ass" (Butch lesbian is interested in you; has a pulse.)
- "samurai haircut lesbian" (The first thing that popped into my mind was a beauty salon version of this [now unfunny] old SNL skit.)
- "make your own demon fox" (Check.)
- "lesbain tattoo" (I hope this person's tattoo artist has spell-check.)
- "if someone asks you for homosexual sex" (You are required to give it to them, unless you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
- "if a lesbian opens the door for you" (It means she is requesting homosexual sex. If you do not find her attractive, I hope you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
- "i want to transition to a girl because i love girls" (In that case, I want to transition to a Butterfinger candy bar.)
- "how to talk to yur children when parents embarc on dating" (Furst talk to yur kidz about importents of spellign.)
- "dark very butch hair nine tits very young" (I like tits as much as the next dyke, but nine of 'em seems like an awful lot.)
- "comma splicing fun teaching for hairdressers" (Comma splice fun teaching for everyone!)
- "can you melt butch" (Yes, if you get the pan hot enough.)
- "how do i tell if clothing is male" (It used to be that you could tell just by looking. But now you have to ask it how it "identifies.")
- "happy monday dogs" (Happy Wednesday, capybaras! Happy Friday, piglets! Happy Tuesday, arthropods! This is like some bizare version of Goodnight Moon.)
- "gay xmas picture" (How about this, this, or this?)
- "gay friend surprise in bed" (Doesn't this sound like an Oprah episode waiting to happen?)
- "what does it mean when a lady ask you if you know a plumber" (It means she wants you to rub Jell-O in her armpit.)
- "what does it mean if a butch lesbian stares a lot" (It means she's a plumber.)
- "butch dog names" (Jojo, Rasputin, Twinkletoes.)
- "butch cat names" (Merlin, Lucinda, Archibald.)
- "how to make a four year age gap work" (Eliminate welfare.)
- "how much do you age in a year?" (Approximately 365 days.)
- "how do you get a girl to like you if your a girl and she is not lesbian" (If she is not a lesbian, you're going to have to make her one. Start by asking her if she knows a plumber. If she comes at you with Jell-O in hand, you're golden.)
Your swollen-spleened Butterfinger-loving demon fox,
Possibly the most depressing "welcome" sign in the history of the world.
As if that wasn't bad enough, one of the council members explained that he didn't want Grand Island to become "gay-friendly." Riiiight. Like all the queers were suddenly going to flock to Nebraska if this thing passed.
So I have an idea. I would LOVE to mess with them by showing them how doggone gay Grand Island can be. If you're in Nebraska (or anywhere near it), I would LOVE for you to drive to Grand Island and do or put something super gay and rainbow-y in front of their stupid-looking "welcome" sign.
In fact, I would love to do this for ANY city that's passed anti-gay ordinances, or that has refused to pass laws giving --gasp!--equal rights to LGBTQ folks. I'm sure there are a whole bunch of other cities we can target. What are they? And should we plot to get back at them by fomenting a big ol' pro-gay movement with them at the center of it? E.g., Grand Island is for (Gay) Lovers? What do you think?
'Tis a homosexual pastry!
Coming Out Day is awesome for many reasons:1.
It reiterates the importance of visibility
.2. It is an excellent excuse for making and/or consuming rainbow cake.3.
It reminds straight people that their queer friends had to go through a (sometimes excruciating) process of explaining/announcing their sexual and romantic preferences. It also reminds queers that the coming out process, different as it is for each of us, ties us all together.4.
Right before the election, it underscores the civil rights issues at stake.5. I
t is an occasion for poetry, tweets, and general tomfoolery.
Recently, I challenged BW readers to encapsulate their coming out stories in one of three forms: (1) as a tweet; (2) as a haiku; (3) as a limerick. A bunch of you were up to it, and in honor of Coming Out Day, here are some of my favorites:
My sister was 59 when she came out. She beat me to it. I came out at 50.
Mom: What's wrong? Me: Nothing. Mom: You're in love, aren't you?! With that girl from South Carolina! Me: Yes. Mom: I knew you were gay!
I didn't just come out of the closet, I jumped out of the whole effin' house!
Everyone was great
Forgot I hadn't told dad
Shocked him in the car!
Coming out to my mother.
False alarm, she's cool.
We thought we were so sneaky,
but everyone knows.
Came out three times now
gayboy, transwoman... tomboy
A snoop I call mom,
Danced around the Internet--
Then learned he is she.
up the right tree of lovin'.
In fact, now I purr.
LIMERICKS (OK, some of these aren't *technically* limericks, but whatevs)
The time to come out was past due.
So I sent the IM to you...
When I looked at my gaff,
We both had a good laugh --
'Stead of "bi," the message said "bu."
We were standing there cooking breakfast,
Nothing on but a smile and some skin
Then OMG, my mom came walking in
No place to run
No place to hide
had to stand there proudly, showing my rainbow pride.
It's enough to demolish the brain
How the Transmatriarchy inane
Demand Bette and Tina
Be the trans girl's Athena...
When I only long to be Shane
There once was a girl who was always laughing
To cover the thoughts she was always having
She couldn't make herself aware
Even though her dad was a gay bear
And being family wasn't nothing but a family thing
For 32 years it was men that I liked
Stubble and bicepts and d*ck got me psyched
Then along came a girl
put my head in a whirl
And I thought, "holy sh*t, I've been dyked!"
i've always been a big butch dyke
but when i came out my mom said TAKE A HIKE
i was homeless for awhile
but all i do now is smile
because i have four kids and a beautiful wife!
Thanks to all of you awesome readers who submitted these great tweets and poems! (And special congrats to the author of the limerick that begins, "For 32 years it was men that I liked"--you win first place and the cool Gadget Wallet from Uncommon Goods!) Happy Coming Out Day, everyone!
National Coming Out Day is coming up on Thursday, and to honor this excellent day of the year, I want coming out stories from you
... But not just any coming out stories. I want your coming out story (or the coming out story of someone you know) in one of three formats:
- In 140 characters (the length of a Tweet)! OR:
- In Haiku form! OR:
- As a limerick!
Here are some fake examples, which won't be nearly as awesome as yours. Tweet
: As a kid, I couldn't take my eyes off Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music." My mom knew what was up. I came out at 13 and she didn't blink.Haiku: The dog was nonplussed
I came out to him--practice.
Parents were less calm.Limerick:You see, I'm a gay boy from China
Who then moved to North Carolina
When I went to college
I soon gained the knowledge
That I was repelled by vaginaGet the idea? Knock yourselves out. I'll feature the best ones on Butch Wonders Thursday. Anonymous entries are fine. Send as many as you want to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
It's been a full week since I've written a Butch Wonders entry. Often when I have something I have to (or want to) write and I haven't really been doing it, my brain does this (click to see a bigger version):
I'm learning to write a little faster and get stuff out there immediately. This is the "prototype early and often" principle (in design thinking parlance), or the "fail, fail again, fail better" principle (in Samuel Beckett / Zadie Smith parlance), or the "brain crack" principle (in Ze Frank parlance).
...Anyone else ever experience anything like the flow chart above?
Me, headed to a bachelorette party
Recently it feels like people have been writing with more and more questions about me and my blog. I thought I'd answer a few of them today as best I can. Here are some that I've received from readers over the past couple of months:Q: Why did you start BW?
A: I didn't think there were enough websites out there for women like me: lesbians toward the masculine end of the spectrum. I was unsure what to wear, what etiquette was like in certain situations, and whether other people were interested in the same kinds of discussions around identity that I am.
Q: How many hits do you get every day?A: It varies. In the last month, my highest has been just over 3000 and my lowest has been 1000. On days I post something decent, 1500 or so.Q: How does the traffic you get compare to other lesbian blogs?A: I have no idea.
Q: Who's your staff?A: My "staff??" It's just me, sitting in my living room with my dog and a cup of coffee, typing into cyberspace and hoping someone will read it.Q: Do you make a lot of money writing Butch Wonders?A: I've spent about $700 on site costs over the last year. And through the Butch Store and selling occasional ads, I've made maybe $300 total. So, still in the hole. I never envisioned this as a business, though, so that's okay (though it would rock to get paid for doing something I love so much!).Q: Why do you keep the blog anonymous?A: This has been a hard decision. The short answer is: my job. My supervisor told me my chances for advancement could be harmed by this kind of outside writing. So
I'm on the DL (as BW, not as a lesbian!) because I think I can do more good by advancing in my career first and coming out as BW second. But I struggle with this. Plus, I'd love to make videos for you, and right now, all I can do is appear on the radio (which, I hope, is happening again soon--stay tuned). Q: So does anyone know that you write this?A: Yep. Mainly family members and close friends. A few professional contacts. And one or two folks who wanted me to write for them and needed to verify that I'm really the thirty-something dyke I claim to be (I am, though arguably more nerdy than sometimes represented here).
;)Q: Is it true that you used to be married to a guy? A: Yes. You can read about it
in several entries. Check out my Index of Topics
, under "Married to a Man."Q: Aren't you limiting yourself by writing this for butches rather than for all lesbians?A: Sure. But a lot of the issues I'm interested in apply mostly to masculine-of-center women. I didn't want to write about suits and ties and then claim to be a "lesbian" blog, since plenty of lesbians aren't the tie-wearing type.Q: Do you have a girlfriend? Is she butch or femme?A: I do! I refer to her as my DGF (dear girlfriend) on the blog. She identifies as neither butch nor femme, and mostly eschews labels (I really want her to write a post about this sometime). I suspect that most people consider her butch or soft butch, and that many people in the community would consider us a butch-butch couple (so do I, most of the time).Q: Why don't you write a column for Curve?A: I pitched it to them, but they never got back to me. I followed up: still no response. So at the moment, I'm not a columnist for anyone.
Need a columnist? Email me
!Q: Where do you live?A: I'm going to stick with the whole anonymity thing and not say. But I will say that I'm in a rural area that's very close to a large urban area. I think this provides a nice balance for me, though it does mean that I burn more gas than I'd prefer to.Okay, dear readers--that will do for now. Got any other questions for me?
Ask and you shall receive, dear readers! Here's a list of my favorite search terms from last month.
- "what is a good nick name for your butch girlfriend" ("Twinkly lotus melon" is popular. So is "Binky the love muffin.")
- "meaning of hugs for lesbians" (Hugs are how we reproduce. Every time a lesbian couple hugs, they're trying to rescue a cat.)
- "you did seem kinda butch.they probably thought you were overcompensating" (Yeah, probably so.)
- "when a butch says its not fair during sex" (So during sex, is the butch saying, "It's not fair?" Or is the butch saying, "It's not fair during sex?" Punctuation is everything, people.)
- "gay men over 30 exposed in too short shorts hangout bottom videos" (The specificity of people's... special interests... never ceases to amaze me.)
- "what is buddies like" (Buddies is like very good friends who brush each others' hair while making up limericks about Paul Ryan. Is like that. But is different.)
- "understated lesbian wallpaper" (How about this?)
- "should a 13/14 year old date a 53 year old if 'age is just a number'?" (Sometimes age is not just a number. Sometimes it's a neon sign that says, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOOOOO!")
- "pet lesbians" (Do you think this refers to people who want to keep lesbians as pets, or to people who want to pet lesbians? Either way, I am disturbed. Please do not pet the lesbians.)
- "my girlfriend is half a year older than me" (I'd bet $5 that if you are googling this, you are under the age of 14.)
- "men sock fetish nashville" (See you at the national convention!)
- "lesbian butch seeking website to match up with" (See, those same-sex marriage opponents shouldn't worry that we're going to marry animals. We want to marry websites!)
- "im a butch and want to be skinny" (Okay. We'll allow it.)
- "i hugged a gay man today" (Did you make a rainbow with him? He may have secretly gay-sexed you without you even knowing it!)
- "gay guys love a guy with buzz mohawk" (Truer words have never been spoken. Ever.)
- "e j crowell equine massage" (Sorry, what?)
- "can you have a timberland boot fetish and be straight" (Nope, everyone knows that Timberlands are for flaming homosexuals.)
- "can i make my own demon name" (No. I will name your demon for you. Congratulations: your demon's name is Anthony L. Firetag.)
- "whats a healthy age difference between gay men and women" (If you're a woman, always pretend that the gay man is younger by at least a couple years.)
- "butch is nickname for what name" (Penelope.)
- "i mentioned getting a haircut to my mom and she said dont go butch, should i be offended?" (Not if your name is Penelope.)
- "how do you say congrats to someone who just became gay" (If you are also gay, you yell, "Congrats, cray cray gay jay!" If you are not gay, it is customary to give the newly out person a small gift, such as Timberlands or a gift certificate for an equine massage.)
Apropos of nothing. It's Monday; surely you can't expect too much of your dear BW on a Monday, can you?
Rage Against the Washing Machine
A Perfect Circular Saw
Nine Inch Nailgun
Non-Skid Row of Flooring Tiles
Mud Honeydo List
Slayer of Drywall
Stone Temple Pilot Light
Home Theater System of a Down
Sublime Scale Buildup
Black Sabbathtub Liner
Rancid Odor in the Garbage Disposal
Much as I dislike certain creations of the men's fashion world, there is often a time and a place for, um, enthralling items like manpris (pictured right) and bolo ties (whimper). But what are these times? What are these places? I've designed a quiz to assist readers in determining the appropriate occasions for butches to frolic around in these sundry items. Match numbers with letters to complete the sentences. The answers are at the end.
It is appropriate to wear
1. a bolo tie
2. socks with sandals
3. a cravat
4. manpris or sweatpants
5. rainbow suspenders
6. a novelty tie, such as one with pictures of Santa Claus or a Looney Tunes character
7. white socks
9. a tie measuring more than four inches at its widest point
10. plastic shoes
A. you are wearing athletic shoes.
B. you are are at a Pride celebration, and/or are employed as a clown.
C. you are joking.
D. you do not leave your house.
E. you have anhidrosis.
F. it is Halloween.
G. you are a cowboy.
H. you are being deeply ironic.
I. you are British.
J. you are being exposed to sunlight.