I'm gay and I don't like using the word "partner". It's not like my girlfriend and I run a business together or it's not like we're gonna rob a bank together. She's my girlfriend, not a partner. But, that's just me.

The fact that someone would alter their vocabulary because I am around bothers me. Even if they are trying to be supportive, they are perpetuating the idea that we are different and unequal. I think this is the root of many things straight people do (not just this) that bothers gay people... only the straight people do not know they are doing it usually and we don't say anything because we don't want to be "assholes" about it. I say if you have the right of marriage, use the terminology associated with marriage.

I use the term partner because she's not my wife, and unfortunately, isn't likely to be since we don't have any marriage equality. I use it to be clear; in my world, that's the closest we're going to get -- she's more than my girlfriend, she's my partner until she's my wife. That said, I feel a bit co-opted by straight married people using the term partner. They have the option that I would like -- husband or wife. Leave my word alone -- it has a whole different meaning for me than it does for them. I hate when straight people use it -- it annoys the crap out of me.

You do have the right to be annoyed actually, its an example of hetero co-opting of queer culture. Now to be fair, I like the term and what it implies but I will use girlfriend much more frequently.. I do feel like it's more inclusive, and I don't have a problem with folk of whatever stripe choosing it and all that it implies. But if you're hetero and married and you have all the associated privileges, its pretty ballsy to jump on the partner bandwagon too.

i'm totally in agreement, including the two reasons you feel like an asshole.

Doesn't bother me at all. In fact I think it is unreasonable to expect that the word "partner" should be for the exclusive use of gays and lesbians. I don't think that if straight people use it, it means they are trying to hide anything or be "pc" around me or other gay people. Don't internalize or take offense to it, it most likely has nothing to do with you.

My mom calls her unmarried male spouse of over 20 years her "partner." Which has always kinda bothered me.
But on the other hand, they're not legally married, and "boyfriend" seems like a kind of juvenile term for such a committed, adult relationship. So idk what she should call him?

In fairness to my mom, she uses the term with everybody, and when asked "what kind of partner?" she replies: "in crime."

I think using "partner" to refer to an opposite gendered spouse may have less to do with trying to be "down with the gays" and more of a way for Bisexual and Queer folk to signal their identity in a relationship that creates bi-invisibility.
Just a thought.

I use the terms partner and husband about equally. I don't do it to not 'own' being married I do it because we were partners long before we were married and it is natural for me. I do want to be very clear on one point you mentioned- I do not modify my wording if I am speaking to someone that is het, gay, queer or any other identification/ orientation- it's the same across the board. I feel that every healthy relationship is an equal partnership so perhaps this is why I flow back and forth between the two words without it being a conscious word choice.

I am queer and our relationship is open though I'm not sure how much bearing that has, if any, on the words I'm most comfortable with. I am very much a 'to each their own' kind of person so I'm fine with whatever relationship signifier(s) folks feel most comfortable using.

I have to say I'm in agreement with Keiran on this one.

i totally agree with you! i had this experience recently; someone i did not know very well told me they were married and referred to their "partner", and it then became very uncomfortable for me because i was like, well, is it a guy? a woman? what? there were no clarifying pronouns, so it was hard to take the conversation beyond just the basics because it became awkward. i must admit, i also find it irritating because frankly, its a word that queers have been forced to accept because we really haven't been legally allowed to use wife or husband up until recently, so to hear straight person using it feels like REALLY privileged and kinda like a slap in the face. great post!

(Hey,
I've been lurking for a while here, and this is my first post so, as a side note, I think this blog is awsome.)

I use the word partner sometimes, and boyfriend others. I use boyfriend with people who know us very very well. (Note: this, unfortunatley, does not include my own mother who I am close with, but who does not understand our relationship dynamics at all, so I wouldnt say that I fall under the family and friends category).

I use partner with people who I do not know, and who do not know us, because I frequently find that people automatically assume that because he is male and I'm female and he is alot older than me, that he plays a dominant role in our relationship. 'Partner', I have found, seems to cut people off before they start with that crap, as it implies equality. Now, dont get me wrong, I'm not the type to assume the worst of people before I get to know them. But I am a very vocal person with my opinions and if they make inaccurate assumptions about the power balance in a relationship that they know nothing about, I do not hesitate to let them know just how inaccurate they are (often quite rudely. Which is down to pure frustration over how often this happens) which can be more damaging to a potentially budding friendship.

I also find that 'boyfriend' seems to be taken as 'less serious' than partner. Which, again, is an annoyance.

I use 'boyfriend' with people who know us very well, because I can relax with these people, and not have to watch my language incase I open myself up for hurtful remarks or assumptions. I realise that this makes me look like I really do think the worst of people, but I dont. I believe the weather person when they say that the weather will be mild today, but if its cloudy I still shut the windows, just in case. I do all I can to look for the best, while protecting myself from the worst. Its awful to be brought down and made to feel like a mean person just because I corrected a bad assumption.

Generally, I use a pronoun, to do otherwise makes conversation awkward. But if people dont use a pronoun when talking about their own partners, I either ask for their partners name, or use 'zie' and 'hir' until they get the point. I usually find that if I go with the latter, its the person I'm talking to that feels silly :D

I have in the past referred to my good friends' same sex spouses in front of straight people as their husband or wife in an effort to get rid of the double standard which unfortunately still exists.

I have also referred to a straight person's husband as their partner whilst referring to my partner. As I'm currently single I don't know what I'd refer to a lover as, but I like making an effort to reduce the intolerance directed towards LGBT people on a daily basis.

I'm with you, BW! Personally, I find that many people are so desperate for acceptance that they're 10 different people, throughout the day, to gain the acceptance of others. Very little authenticity exists.

While I appreciate the sentiment of progressive straight folks, I find their use of partner to be confusing and inappropriate. They push us out of neighborhoods (once we've cleaned them up) frequent our bars inappropriately and use words that don't describe their legally sanctioned marriages.

Wanna support us? Vote for same-sex marriage and argue with your homophobic parents when they fund right-wing, anti-gay groups. Thanks!

Lastly, personally, I want to know who I'm talking to and about. Labels aren't always bad--they help one to quickly ascertain who someone is "likely" to be. I have limited time, so I choose people carefully: I deserve to know if you're gay, a straight ally, bi, butch, femme, andro, etc.

Of course I forgot to get to the real point of your post. I don't know if it would both me so much if someone used the word partner for their spouse just because they are around gay people. It's a little misguided sure, but I think it all depends on the person and where their heart is. Some people have good intentions but it might bother me a little. I don't know. This is what I get for trying to right an intelligent post when I haven't slept in two days. Haha.

I'm a transguy dating a straight cisguy (!) so while we might have heterosexual privilege in some senses, I prefer to use the gender-neutral terms lover, paramour, or partner. I just don't like the connotations of the word boyfriend; while obviously there are plenty of gay men and male-male relationships it does kind of affect my dysphoria and my ability to pass. When the gender of my partner doesn't matter, I use a gender-neutral term.

Great blog, btw! Rock the fuck on! :)