A little over a week ago, I received the following question from a reader. It's a hard one, and one I've heard before, so I thought I'd better tackle it:
Dear BW: I am only attracted to femmes, but my girlfriend has become more and more butch. At this point she's almost as butch as me. I love her but I don't find her attractive when she looks so butch. What do I do? - MM. Dear MM: this is a tough one. When we start dating someone, they're one way. Two years later, they're another. Of course, this is natural: people grow, change, evolve, etc. (As my mom says, "We are all in a state of becoming.") But what do you do when you don't like the changes? In a way, your question is a version of the question, "What should I do if my girlfriend tells me she's trans?" I posted an answer to that back in January, and you might want to check it out. Obviously, I can't give you a definitive answer. But here are some important factors to consider:
As I see it, your choices are: (1) to break up or (2) to stay together and accept her as she is, and yourself as you are. But staying together and trying to change her (or staying together and trying to convince yourself that you're still attracted to her) won't work for the long haul. Has anyone else faced something like this? Or been at the other end of it? What did you do?
23 Comments
It might help to see my article that I just finished and posted at my blog, which is a commentary on how things are for Butches, 22 years after our chapter about Butch oppression in our book, "Dykes-Loving-Dykes."
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Holly
4/12/2012 06:30:24 am
I found myself in a similar situation when I was younger, but it's taken years to sort it all out in my own headspace. At 33, I've settled comfortably into a more femme presentation. When I was in my early twenties I drifted from gender expression to gender expression, casting about for whatever felt right. My former girlfriend was butch at the time we met, which thrilled me to no end. Over the course of six years, she became more femme (and even was somewhat competitive towards me about our suddenly mutual femme-ness).
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Inkslinger
4/12/2012 06:31:38 am
I'll share my two cents as I feel it might help. I am coming from the point of view of the one "turning Butch". I was in a relationship with a butch partner and performed my gender role more masculinely as our relationship progressed. She continued to be butch in appearance but I took on Butch as a role, as a gender.
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4/12/2012 10:42:15 am
This comment encapsulates so many of the things I have always felt about being Butch but have never been able to word properly. Thank you.
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shelley
4/12/2012 08:06:18 am
Hi, love the comments on here all the time, even if i dont understand. I am a femme and getting more each decade. But at one stage in my long journey of coming out, my soft butch partner accused me of being a closet butch. It took me a lot of soul searching to figure this out and I decided that what I was doing was trying to empower myself. At the time I needed to dress as far from het as possible and learning to stride and meet mens eyes on the street and find that invisible shield that said dont mess with me, gave me strength. I feel closer to my butch partners current and ex, so some times when a partner gets butchier it can be a reaction to events around her. I am now as femmy as hell and men no longer even try to mess with me cos they can tell straight off Im not for them.!!
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4/13/2012 03:33:07 am
Personally, it wouldn't matter to me. I think when you are in love with someone, you are in love with THEM. I am in between the butch-femme spectrum and I am okay with either or. I actually find someone that is an "in between" kinda girl too. I think we put too much emphasis on appearance some times.
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Joslyn C
4/14/2012 04:02:04 am
I think it would be fascinating to see a post about people going the other way...lesbians whose partners are becoming more classically feminine, and finding them less attractive because of it?
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I've most been lovers with who I call "dykey Fems," meaning they clearly look like Dykes, with short hair, clothing, etc. And we have shared radical Lesbian feminist politics about how important it is to be out and not pass as het. So when one lover did begin to look increasingly feminine, it felt like a betrayal (I believe she did it for increased privilege), but also I did become less and less attracted to her. I just find the Dykiest-looking, and the most Butch the most attractive.
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I've most been lovers with who I call "dykey Fems," meaning they clearly look like Dykes, with short hair, clothing, etc. And we have shared radical Lesbian feminist politics about how important it is to be out and not pass as het. So when one lover did begin to look increasingly feminine, it felt like a betrayal (I believe she did it for increased privilege), but also I did become less and less attracted to her. I just find the Dykiest-looking, and the most Butch the most attractive.
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I've most been lovers with who I call "dykey Fems," meaning they clearly look like Dykes, with short hair, clothing, etc. And we have shared radical Lesbian feminist politics about how important it is to be out and not pass as het. So when one lover did begin to look increasingly feminine, it felt like a betrayal (I believe she did it for increased privilege), but also I did become less and less attracted to her. I just find the Dykiest-looking, and the most Butch the most attractive.
Reply
I've most been lovers with who I call "dykey Fems," meaning they clearly look like Dykes, with short hair, clothing, etc. And we have shared radical Lesbian feminist politics about how important it is to be out and not pass as het. So when one lover did begin to look increasingly feminine, it felt like a betrayal (I believe she did it for increased privilege), but also I did become less and less attracted to her. I just find the Dykiest-looking, and the most Butch the most attractive.
Reply
I've most been lovers with who I call "dykey Fems," meaning they clearly look like Dykes, with short hair, clothing, etc. And we have shared radical Lesbian feminist politics about how important it is to be out and not pass as het. So when one lover did begin to look increasingly feminine, it felt like a betrayal (I believe she did it for increased privilege), but also I did become less and less attracted to her. I just find the Dykiest-looking, and the most Butch the most attractive.
Reply
I've most been lovers with who I call "dykey Fems," meaning they clearly look like Dykes, with short hair, clothing, etc. And we have shared radical Lesbian feminist politics about how important it is to be out and not pass as het. So when one lover did begin to look increasingly feminine, it felt like a betrayal (I believe she did it for increased privilege), but also I did become less and less attracted to her. I just find the Dykiest-looking, and the most Butch the most attractive.
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Choice
4/20/2012 01:39:37 pm
I am probably of a similar age to you, and I have rarely been perceived as a lesbian by white feminist lesbians whether or not I present as an androgynous "dykey fem" or a plain old male-defined femme; this, despite the fact that I have never been attracted to men or been on a date with a man or had sex with men. I have had a lifetime of less to do with men as an always-out lesbian, than most of the "Fem-hating" lesbian feminist community that I have been a part of since the Seventies.
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Choice
4/20/2012 02:09:41 pm
Nice post, loved how thoughtful and thorough you are, BW. A better human being than am I.
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I rarely see good references to the past. Instead I see Lesbians who weren't alive then say things that I just did not see happening.
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I rarely see good references to the past. Instead I see Lesbians who weren't alive then say things that I just did not see happening.
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This keeps saying "There was an error submitting your comment. Please try again" -- but the last time that happened, it kept posting.
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This keeps saying "There was an error submitting your comment. Please try again" -- but the last time that happened, it kept posting.
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Elle
4/30/2012 05:27:36 am
I used to date this really hot butch. But one day she decided she wanted to 'fit in more' and started growing her hair and wearing make up. And by make up I don't mean just eye liner which can be hot, I mean lipgloss, blush, liner, mascara. She also started wearing more dresses and skirts and when the heels came out, I was horrified .
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Jo
3/6/2021 01:43:34 pm
I am consider myself a tom boy lesbian. I'm mostly feminine, but I do enjoy doing masculine things sometimes, and I like my flannel shirts and cowboy boots every now and then.
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