It might help to see my article that I just finished and posted at my blog, which is a commentary on how things are for Butches, 22 years after our chapter about Butch oppression in our book, "Dykes-Loving-Dykes."

The article is "2012 Update – 22 Years Later
SUPPORTING BUTCHES SUPPORTS ALL LESBIANS" -- and is at my blog, along with our chapter.

http://​bevjoradicallesbian.wordpress.c​om/

Ideally, it is wonderful for Butches to be lovers together, but I think being Butch or Fem is a decision made in girlhood. I'm Butch and I love lovers to be Butch or look as Butch as possible!

I'll share my two cents as I feel it might help. I am coming from the point of view of the one "turning Butch". I was in a relationship with a butch partner and performed my gender role more masculinely as our relationship progressed. She continued to be butch in appearance but I took on Butch as a role, as a gender.
(I use lower and upper cases as I recognise not all butches define as Butch)
By the end of our 8 years I had changed completely, and she was no longer attracted to me. Likewise, I found my attraction to her butch-ness was waning, and in fact I had surpassed her in my own personal appearance and performances, all together.
We eventually split up, and I completed my transition. I discovered through some personal work that my attraction to butch women was actually admiration, I idolized them as I longed to be who they were, but not be *with* who they were.
I found that Butch-ness is not just appearance, it is a pivot point, an anchor. I thought it was just about appearance until I began learning what it meant to be Butch. For me "becoming Butch" was a settling-in to an identity, a role in society, a privilege and an obligatory burden. An infallible identity that existed below the surface, itching to be uncloaked, and demanding to be realized.
Perhaps, this is what is happening for MM's partner. It might be time to reveal some hard truths, which could likely give her partner the freedom to step into a pair of pants she's had hanging in her closet for a long, long time. It will be up to both to either grow past it, or grow with it. But overall, growth is paramount. I wish them a lot of luck!!

Personally, it wouldn't matter to me. I think when you are in love with someone, you are in love with THEM. I am in between the butch-femme spectrum and I am okay with either or. I actually find someone that is an "in between" kinda girl too. I think we put too much emphasis on appearance some times.

I've most been lovers with who I call "dykey Fems," meaning they clearly look like Dykes, with short hair, clothing, etc. And we have shared radical Lesbian feminist politics about how important it is to be out and not pass as het. So when one lover did begin to look increasingly feminine, it felt like a betrayal (I believe she did it for increased privilege), but also I did become less and less attracted to her. I just find the Dykiest-looking, and the most Butch the most attractive.

Unfortunately, it's not like we live in a world where it's just a difference like preferring oranges over apples -- there is intense pressure from all sections of patriarchy for Lesbians to look as male-defined feminine and het as possible. Women who obey the male rules are rewarded accordingly, while those who refuse, are punished severely. I like to feel like my lover is with me in being proud to be out, even if she's Fem. Many of my Fem friends, and past lovers agree.

But the Butch-hatred and Fem worship I hear in the Lesbian community is very hard. It used to be so much better in the Seventies.

I've most been lovers with who I call "dykey Fems," meaning they clearly look like Dykes, with short hair, clothing, etc. And we have shared radical Lesbian feminist politics about how important it is to be out and not pass as het. So when one lover did begin to look increasingly feminine, it felt like a betrayal (I believe she did it for increased privilege), but also I did become less and less attracted to her. I just find the Dykiest-looking, and the most Butch the most attractive.

Unfortunately, it's not like we live in a world where it's just a difference like preferring oranges over apples -- there is intense pressure from all sections of patriarchy for Lesbians to look as male-defined feminine and het as possible. Women who obey the male rules are rewarded accordingly, while those who refuse, are punished severely. I like to feel like my lover is with me in being proud to be out, even if she's Fem. Many of my Fem friends, and past lovers agree.

But the Butch-hatred and Fem worship I hear in the Lesbian community is very hard. It used to be so much better in the Seventies.

I've most been lovers with who I call "dykey Fems," meaning they clearly look like Dykes, with short hair, clothing, etc. And we have shared radical Lesbian feminist politics about how important it is to be out and not pass as het. So when one lover did begin to look increasingly feminine, it felt like a betrayal (I believe she did it for increased privilege), but also I did become less and less attracted to her. I just find the Dykiest-looking, and the most Butch the most attractive.

Unfortunately, it's not like we live in a world where it's just a difference like preferring oranges over apples -- there is intense pressure from all sections of patriarchy for Lesbians to look as male-defined feminine and het as possible. Women who obey the male rules are rewarded accordingly, while those who refuse, are punished severely. I like to feel like my lover is with me in being proud to be out, even if she's Fem. Many of my Fem friends, and past lovers agree.

But the Butch-hatred and Fem worship I hear in the Lesbian community is very hard. It used to be so much better in the Seventies.

I am probably of a similar age to you, and I have rarely been perceived as a lesbian by white feminist lesbians whether or not I present as an androgynous "dykey fem" or a plain old male-defined femme; this, despite the fact that I have never been attracted to men or been on a date with a man or had sex with men. I have had a lifetime of less to do with men as an always-out lesbian, than most of the "Fem-hating" lesbian feminist community that I have been a part of since the Seventies.

As I recollect, in the 1970s you seem to yearn for, the lesbian feminist community used to hate butches, we used to vilify butches as wannabe men who took on the trappings of male privilege. We hated femmes, too, but to deny that there was active butch hatred is ahistoric. The rhetoric condemned both butches and femmes as a sexist recreation of a patriarchal male/female dynamic. We defined gender expression (whether through clothing or style or appearance) as solely male/female mimicry and then created an absolute equivalency to butch/femme, and then condemned it.

There seems to be a revisionist history within the Second Wave that the vaunted "androgyny" of our time was really a celebration of "butches" in name, when it never was. It may have been "butchiness" in fact, but if you re-read the literature of the time, we were not so enlightened and embracing of "Butches" as many now claim to be. Butch-hatred is not a creation of this generation, Second Wave feminist generated our own butch-hating backlash way back then. The Seventies also produced white feminists who claimed (white) women could not be racist because sexism was the a priori oppression, and therefore as the most oppressed group, women had no power to be oppress racially. It was not our best time for all things.

I don't mean to pick on you, but I tend to react negatively to the glorification of the 1970s as the halcyon days of lesbian feminism. I was there, I was as androg as everyone else, and it wasn't the best time if you fell outside the borders as a lesbian of color, as a poor lesbian, as a working class lesbian, as butch/femme lesbian, etc. But the fact is, we were all there, all of us, in that naturally wide range of who we are, as we are still. And it remains as complicated and difficult now as then, and we have a lot of work left to do, to embrace the universe of who we are.

Sorry for the multiple post. It kept saying something was wrong and that it couldn't post, and then....it multiplied.

I rarely see good references to the past. Instead I see Lesbians who weren't alive then say things that I just did not see happening.

In my Seventies community, there was criticism of Lesbians who identified with roles, and of course there was always some Butch-hatred, but I also saw Butches getting far more respect than now. They were acknowledged as helping to create Lesbian Feminism. I'm thinking of Pat Parker, Judy Grahn, Willyce Kim, Del Martin, and others.

I know well the problems, but the basic politics seemed much better than now. Perhaps it depends on where we were? The privileged who claimed that racism and classism didn't matter because "we are all the 'class' of women" were answered by the brilliant writings of the time by Lesbian Feminists of Color and class-oppressed Lesbian Feminists. I co-wrote and published Dykes and Gorgons in 1973, which focused on fighting racism and classism among Lesbians, as well as defending women-only space. (I'm a disabled working class Butch who's lived in poverty my adult life.) Now, I'm horrified to see the same crap returning with a lot more credibility. Of course, it's the most privileged who want communities like themselves -- which I say is having a country club mentality.

I know there were some racist, classist types back then, but they did not seem to be the majority like I'm seeing now.

And yes, I'm still in the fight to have our communities be as welcoming and diverse as possible. But part of the problem is that most Lesbians don't seem aware of even the most basic feminism. It's as if all those books and politics never existed. Anyway, at my blog, I just wrote an article about how is it now for Butches in my community, as compared to 40+ years ago. I also have an article about the current attempts to bully Lesbians into not treated racism and classism (as well as other oppressions) seriously.

This keeps saying "There was an error submitting your comment. Please try again" -- but the last time that happened, it kept posting.

I rarely see good references to the past. Instead I see Lesbians who weren't alive then say things that I just did not see happening.

In my Seventies community, there was criticism of Lesbians who identified with roles, and of course there was always some Butch-hatred, but I also saw Butches getting far more respect than now. They were acknowledged as helping to create Lesbian Feminism. I'm thinking of Pat Parker, Judy Grahn, Willyce Kim, Del Martin, and others.

I know well the problems, but the basic politics seemed much better than now. Perhaps it depends on where we were? The privileged who claimed that racism and classism didn't matter because "we are all the 'class' of women" were answered by the brilliant writings of the time by Lesbian Feminists of Color and class-oppressed Lesbian Feminists. I co-wrote and published Dykes and Gorgons in 1973, which focused on fighting racism and classism among Lesbians, as well as defending women-only space. (I'm a disabled working class Butch who's lived in poverty my adult life.) Now, I'm horrified to see the same crap returning with a lot more credibility. Of course, it's the most privileged who want communities like themselves -- which I say is having a country club mentality.

I know there were some racist, classist types back then, but they did not seem to be the majority like I'm seeing now.

And yes, I'm still in the fight to have our communities be as welcoming and diverse as possible. But part of the problem is that most Lesbians don't seem aware of even the most basic feminism. It's as if all those books and politics never existed. Anyway, at my blog, I just wrote an article about how is it now for Butches in my community, as compared to 40+ years ago. I also have an article about the current attempts to bully Lesbians into not treated racism and classism (as well as other oppressions) seriously.

I used to date this really hot butch. But one day she decided she wanted to 'fit in more' and started growing her hair and wearing make up. And by make up I don't mean just eye liner which can be hot, I mean lipgloss, blush, liner, mascara. She also started wearing more dresses and skirts and when the heels came out, I was horrified .

Call me shallow, but I just couldn't do it. We ended up breaking up 3 years into the relationship because I was finding her less and less attractive. At the time I didn't understand that it was because she was no longer identifying as butch.

I am and always have been a Femme. And have always dated strictly Butches.

I do agree that when you love someone you love them as they are with their faults etc, but if we're being honest, if you're no longer physically attracted to someone, the relationship is doomed.

It's no fault of yours or theirs if their identity is changing. And that doesn't mean you don't love them anymore, but sometimes it means you can't be with them anymore.

My ex is now with someone who absolutely adores her. And they've been together for 5 years and counting now. We're still friends and I still love her as a friend.

At the end of the day, if it's not working for you, it's probably not working for her either. You're lucky though, in that you have a lot of resources that I didn't have. You can reach out and hear other peoples experiences and points of view which helps to give you a better understanding of why you're reacting or feeling the way you are.

My advice is be honest. It's not going to be an easy conversation, but talk to her. And try to keep an open mind and not be agressive or accusatory when you do talk. You may find that she's struggling as much as you are.