Dating a Woman Who Has Kids

08/22/2012

via Creative Commons

You're single, talking to a gorgeous single dyke. She asks if you want to grab coffee; you eagerly accept, your mind already swirling with visions of U-Hauls and organic, home-baked bread. But then she drops the bomb: "Let's meet at 3. I pick my son up from daycare at 5."

You try to act nonplussed, but a hundred thoughts swirl through your head: Did she used to be married? How old is this kid? When do I have to (or get to) meet him? Am I really old enough to date people who have kids? Do I even want kids? And what implications does this have for our U-haul, camping excursions, and mornings at the farmers' market??

Like it or not, dating a woman who has a kid can be vastly different from dating a woman without one (or two, or three). Here are a few things to keep in mind as you embark on this chapter in your dating life.

The kid is number one. Period. And isn't this the way it should be? It may occasionally suck to be one-upped by an eight-year-old, but face it; the kid was in her life before you were, and always will be in her life, no matter what happens with your relationship. This means you will have to deal with planning around recitals and soccer practice.
She's likely shopping for a co-parent, not just a partner. Unless she's made it explicit that this is not the case, it's safe to say that child-rearing potential ranks high on her list of qualities for an ideal mate. The younger the kid is, the more true this is likely to be.
If you're not ready to be a parent now, it's (probably) okay. You've got plenty of time to get used to her, to get to know the kid, and to grow into the idea (or not). Heck, you may fall in love with the kid (in a parental way, not a Woody Allen way) and decide that the whole family package is perfect for you. On the other hand...
If you know that you never want to be a parent, be honest. If you know that kids aren't in your future, don't string her along. She may say that she's looking for a partner, not a co-parent, but regardless of the kid's age, your future DGF's motherhood will be a big factor in your relationship.
Accept her relationship with an ex who's a co-parent. lt can be hard to accept that our partners used to be in love with other people--and this is underscored if procreation, adoption, and/or child-rearing were involved. Your new love may need to talk to a former love frequently about the kid. Maybe they're friends; maybe not. Either way, your role is to support her, not mediate or badmouth.
Let her call the shots. She knows her kid best--let her decide when you're going to be introduced, and whether it's as "Mommy's friend" or "Mommy's girlfriend." Offer, but don't push.
Provide support, not advice. You don't get to tell someone else how to discipline, deal with, or talk to, their kid. Unless she asks for advice--actually, even if she asks for advice--don't tell her what to do. This applies even if you've spent a bunch of time around kids (and even if you have your own). No one wants unsolicited parenting advice.
She doesn't expect you to be an expert, but she does expect you to try learning. If you don't know how to warm up a bottle, pack a school lunch, or braid hair, that's okay! Your open heart and willingness to learn will mean everything to her.

Of course, not everyone hesitates at the prospect of dating a woman with kids. A dear friend of mine was intrigued when she learned that the object of her budding affections (who is now her wife, also a dear friend) had a kid. Now the three of them are one of the most solid families I've ever known, and I know that none of them can imagine life without the other two. So what's the moral for single moms? There are two:
(1) Don't assume that being a mom will work against you in the dating world;
(2) Remember that you deserve to have someone who loves you in part for being a mom, not despite it.

So, dear readers: Have you ever dated a woman with kids? What obstacles did you face? How about my readers who are (current or former) single moms? What advice do you have for BW readers?

Comments

Kat

08/22/2012 11:06

Thanks for writing this one! I go back and forth on the issue of dating a woman with kids. I like kids, I mean, I'm a teacher so I'm good with them...but the idea of a woman with kids has always given me pause; however, since I've entered my thirties, I've realized that I can't have the hard and fast rule about kids anymore. I guess my hangups about it are twofold:
1) If she has a young child (under 2) that she had with a man, I guess I am concerned that she's not certain about her lesbianism (not a fair concern, I understand, but still a concern)

2) Many of my straight friends who have become step-mothers have told me that if they had it to do over again they wouldn't have done it because of the drama around the ex-wife. I guess I'm concerned that the drama around the ex would start to consume my life.

Carrie

08/23/2012 03:31

Maybe she isn't a lesbian maybe she's a bisexual with an ex male partner and kid. I would never be concerned over the reality of someone's sexuality but would not date someone with kids

Butch Jaxon link

08/22/2012 11:26

BW, this is a really awesome post. Thank you for sharing it. I makes me think that you are very close to this issue - either you have kids, or have dated someone with kids. I appreciate the validation that I found in this post. =:o) Butch

ButchPoppa

08/22/2012 11:30

Thanks for this post. I just started dating a woman with two children. I'm grateful that her ex/co-parent is such an involved and caring parent, they are close friends which is great, and there is no drama.
I'm glad to read I'm on the right track, too. I insisted the kids' needs be paramount from day one and have never been under any illusions that it would be otherwise. The bonus: the kids really like me, and I like them.
And as much as I adore spending time with her little ones, I play an important role in supporting her 'grown up time' balance, too. People often forget that single moms are still women with emotions, and needs.
Of course there are times when we have to interrupt our personal time for the children, but we always manage to reconnect. I think communication is key.
I don't look to replace anyone in the kids' lives - and I wasn't looking for a 'just add water' family, but I'm not closed off to the idea. I am very aware that if the relationship progresses I could become a member of the family unit.

Lynne

04/17/2013 17:26

Thanks for the post. The reason my relationship ended is because my ex dorgot about an adult relationship. When I met her she wasnt living with her kid. I knew wveentually we would all be a family but she really wanted me to make all the compromises. She forgot I had needs too and that she did. I believe she has guilt about not being with her son. We suffered for it. I couldnt see myself rushing into co-parenting when our relationship wasnt even established. I felt we needed to work on us before having her kid involved but she fought me on this until it was too late and she realized she wasnt being fair to me or her. The relatinship ended because she assumed I didnt want kids when I would gladly welcome children with a woman who could communicate and has stability and can work with me to have a healthy balance for everyone to be happy

de link

08/22/2012 11:51

I wish your blog was around 20+ years ago, I could have used the help then. Now that I'm back in the dating world I really just don't know.

Cyndi

08/22/2012 12:34

Thank you for this article, i really liked it. I love it when you say "Remember that you deserve to have someone who loves you in part for being a mom, not despite it." That really helps keep things in perspective.

Bejai Higgins

08/22/2012 13:31

As an old straight grandparent I cant tell you how refreshing it was to read your post! Family are complicated, LGBT or straight and being honest with yourself is a basic requirement to any success. My current hubby met my daughter at 5 (she was adorable). He wanted to be with me and I said clearly that it was a package deal. He didnt want children of his own (my uterus thanks him) but came to love mine. Finally we married and he adopted her. She is now grown with her own kids and struggling with relationships. Your clear take and ability to lay out the components was outstanding! Thanks, Bejai

Karen Kelly

08/22/2012 14:23

When I first started dating after the break up of my marriage, I was open to women with or without kids. I didn't have any kids of my own. Not because I didn't want them. I wasn't able to have any children. Up until my separation, I just assumed that I would always be childless.
When I meant my current partner I was a bit shocked to learn she had 3 kids. All boys 6, 10 and 14. No kids…3 kids. Quite a leap!
I know my partner had been told that know one would want a women with 3 kids. Several of my friends who are single mothers had been told this was true as well.
When my friends and family found out I was seeing someone with 3 kids the responses ranged from "How many?", "You'll end up supporting her kids" and "that's a hand full". To "Well, you have always wanted kids," "You would make a great parent" and "Sounds like fun!"
It has been 2 years now and I am glad that I didn't let the negatives stop me from getting to know her and her boys. Not to say that it hasn't been terrifying, frustrating and just plain crazy at times. It has also given me some of the best moments of my life so far. And the promise of so much more to come.
So to all of the single mothers that think they will be alone forever. To all of the single people looking for love. Don't be afraid to jump in with both feet. It just might turn out to be everything you have ever wanted.

Melanie link

08/22/2012 15:10

My partner met me when our daughter was 7. I had been married to the Dad, but had been a single Mom for 5 years when we met. She was excited about having a child since she did not think she could have any of her own. It turned out to be a great blessing since my daughter's father decided to move out of State not long after we met. She even took us on a trip to visit Dad in his new home (in Illinois) and to visit his family in New York. It was not an easy trip. My daughter was heart broken that her Dad was moving away to go to graduate school. He never did return to CA, but Jayne has been a good Mom from day one and helped to ease the pain of losing a day to day parent. Our daughter has had lots of issues related to the loss of a primary parent and addictions, Jayne has been there for me through all of it. Our daughter is now 21 and has her own girlfriend.

Jannyboo

08/22/2012 15:17

I have three kids and my girlfriend also has three. They range in age from 14 - 24.The last five years have been the most wonderful,challenging, joyful and heartbreaking years of my life. We are finally moving in together after waiting five years because the kids are finally starting to leave the nest and make their own lives. The kids have brought the relationship to breaking point on more than one occasion. but she s the love of my life.. My Advice? Try not to interfere. Recognise that everyone parents differently. It is sometimes easier to see the faults in someone else's kids before you see the faults in your own. HANG IN THERE. It will be worth it in the end. Our fantasy is to be two old grannies sitting by the fire in our little cottage resting between our overseas trips. Its coming closer as each child grows up a bit more and we deserve it. We have both worked bllody hard to get this far.

Caughtinyoureyesswashinhurstswashinhurst

08/22/2012 19:02

I have so many different paths to follow on this in. I was married to a man for a long time and had 2 kids with him and we raised them together. Late bloomer coming out, mainly from job fear, kids hurting my kids, and early on, fear of my parents committing me.

When I started looking for a gf, it didn't matter. I started dating a woman with a 9 year old and I made it clear that I was not interested in being the child's mom as the other co-parent was completely in the picture, but I would support her and be a "guide on the side." This was probably the beginning of the end.

I have since found a wonderful gf, who agreed for some reason to marry me. We have three grown children, son and daughter-in-law, and 2 grankids. We are not even old enough for them! Kids are a whole separate dynamic and they do come first, but there is compromise.

Stacy

08/22/2012 22:45

I sure like you, BW. You impress me. (Probably cuz alot of what you say mirrors what I think). My current gf has two grown children that were 18 and 20 when we got together. That was probably for the best because they were already out of the nest so I haven't had to deal with alot of the stuff that most people do. I stay on the outskirts because they are her children, and I always know they come first. It still shocks me to see other lesbians that have a problem with that, and whine about wanting more attention than the kid gets. There will never be anything like that parent child bond, and even though I'm childless, I totally know that, and love watching it from the sidelines. You are totally right, part of what I love about my gf is her motherliness (yes, I just made up that word). I always get a kick out of watching her with her kids and how they connect. I see how much she loves them and it's so special to watch. I feel grateful to be allowed to witness it. I also know that as soon as one of them has a kid I probably won't see nearly as much of my gf for awhile, and that makes perfect sense to me. I've never wanted kids, but feel lucky to be able to witness my gf's relationship with hers.

Kari

08/22/2012 23:04

Wow this brings back memories, I dated a lady with a five year old girl back in 1980. I met the mom and was totally smitten and we both discussed how I would figure into her child's life. I never really gave kids much thought, resigned myself to being childless and then this sweet five year old turned my life upside down. I won't say it was easy, more times than enough I asked myself if our relationship was worth the growing pains but it has been 33 years and we are still going strong, our child has grown into a fine young woman, now planning on a family of her own. Guess I am going to find out about grand kids now. I wish I had had this list back then it may have made it easier and I concur with each one of the points made. It was a learning experience and one I am glad I didn't miss. Kids can be a great addition to your life but the mom is always the mom, even now our daughter who is 38 is still her little girl and they are both my favorite ladies.

Susan

08/23/2012 10:05

I was in a relationship with a partner who was providing care for her niece who was FAS. Her ex-partner was the guardian of the child, and because this was 15 years ago, there were issues with the drug-addicted mother who hated lesbians (despite the fact that lesbians were actually taking care of her kid). Although I enjoyed the niece, there were many issues going on with the adults (ie drama) that made the situation very difficult.

In my next relationship, I was involved with a closeted woman with two children. She constantly told me that I could never 'understand her' because she had been a 'married woman with two children', and that I could never possibly understand what it meant to be a mother (because I do not have any children myself). I actually found these statements to be quite hurtful (I am unable to have children -- but have also chosen not to have any of my own).

I am in my mid 40s, so certainly the idea of children in a relationship is a tangible one. However, I would take great consideration first about the situation with the co-parent, as well as my partner's attitudes towards me before I entered another relationship with a woman with children. Yes, I can not make any comments about the discipline and rearing. However, if there is NO discipline and no rearing, then it certainly makes it difficult for the relationship to flourish.

I don't mean to sound negative, but it fundamentally comes down to the attitudes of the mother towards her children and towards you as the partner. And certainly, if you are faulted for being childless, then I don't see how the relationship can work

Cherry

08/23/2012 11:22

Great post! One other point to keep in mind when dating someone who has a kid or kids... they may not wish to have more kids, so like if YOU want to have a baby yourself or know you want to do the baby thing from scratch with a partner, this might be off the table with someone who's already raised a baby or two.

Cherry

08/23/2012 11:29

Oh and also - I've seen this situation - if you move beyond the 'just dating' phase and as things get more intimate, make sure to clarify your role. It's also good to talk about expectations if that relationship ends. If the relationship develops any kind of serious intimacy, you may also develop a close bond with that kid - it'd be important to me to know that we could still have a relationship even if I wasn't seeing their mom anymore. But it's tricky when that mom may already have another ex who is a co-parent. Ah, new ways of envisioning family!

shell

08/23/2012 18:48

wish you would have published this 7 years ago. but i respect that they are the authority over the kids. i do try to learn as much and fast as i can. i try to do the co parenting. i never thought i would have kids in my life at this aspect. i dont regret any of the relationships i have been in. i learned from each and every single one of them. i have the utmost respect for single mothers.

BJB

08/25/2012 16:01

Thanks for this post. I’m a single mom who pulled the plug on my (hetero) marriage and came out relatively recently. I did everything solo. I just couldn’t stand being in the closet any longer. I would love to find a partner and would be open to dating women with or without kids, but I also have a lot of trepidation about dating. I have two kids and have assumed that this will work against me in the dating world. I also have lot of uncomfortable feelings about having taken so long to come out and wonder how that tardiness will be perceived. (I was aware of my lesbianism for a long time before finally coming out. I think everyone else was aware as well. I’m visibly gay to anyone with decent gaydar and no-one has been surprised in my coming out process.) Anyway, having kids does affect everything and they do come first. I’m in a major metropolitan area but in a suburb that works for the kids – good schools and all that. I wouldn’t be able to u-haul anywhere without an awful lot of planning. There is a co-parent in the picture and that situation is uneasy. My kids are young enough to require child care and babysitters. An impromptu evening out is unlikely to happen. The kids have their activities and those activities are important. I’m also the provider and have significant financial responsibilities. Things get complicated when you have kids.

Caughtinyoureyes

08/26/2012 14:23

Being a late bloomer myself, I can identify with your feelings precisely. I was so worried about dating after being married to a man and what other lesbians might think. I have only had one negative comment, actually an errant one from a good friend. She apologized profusely.

I worried about having children and how that would be perceived. I,too, live in a suburb of a major metropolitan area. The women are really out there waiting for you and your kids. Anyhow, don't stress, enjoy your kids, date a few people, and your life will open up.

Kitty

09/13/2012 08:29

BJB, I read your post and I can completely relate. I was married more than once to men and have children. It wasn't that long ago I came out and am finding many from the gay community nonaccepting an unsupportive. I work almost every day, barring sickness. When I do have time, I prefer to spend it with my kids. Anyway, I thought, "Wow! Finally! Someone who's in a similar boat. Maybe we could be (emotionally) supportive for each other."
Anyway, I was wondering, if you're also interested, if here is a way the host could help us hook up outside the forum without us giving our info to others on here? I would be willing to give an email address or maybe connect on the book with a face.

Butch Wonders link

09/17/2012 12:53

Hi Kitty et. al,

That's a cool idea! My advice would actually be to start a Facebook group; people seem to connect really well these days on FB groups. Or if you'd like, feel free to post something on www.facebook.com/butchwondersblog to see who might be interested. And let me know what I can do to help! Cheers, BW

Brenda

08/28/2012 21:03

I had a partner for 3 years who had a young son (3 when we met). The kid became like my own and his mother used this to manipulate me and keep me around long after I should have left her. It was very painful when I had to cut off contact with my stepson in order to stop seeing her.
I won't date a woman with children again.

UliveULearn

08/29/2012 21:35

My wife has 2 teenage boys. We dated for 3 years before getting married. And honestly if I had it to do all over I wouldn't. This was my first relationship with a woman with children. I was open minded and willing to learn. Until we moved In everything was perfect. All the problems we have arrise from her undermining me as a parent. I am seen as a piggy bank who should keep my mouth shut because those are her kids. But it's my house my money and supposed to be my step kids. Both of their dads are barley involved emotinally or finacially. The kids r lucky if they surface 3 times a year. I often feel resentful. I know the problem Is with her and not the kids but I just wish I spent more time seeing her parenting so I could have avoided where I am today. I love them, I sacrifice for them provide for them which is all expected yet I am not ever respected as their parent. I would caution anyone to first get to know what kind of parenting style she has bc it may not be yours at all. And that's fine they are your kids. Then you provide and sacrifice or better yet hold their fathers accountable. And that's the icing on the cake you will never be appreciated like their biological parent no matter how terrible they are.

Fly

11/18/2012 07:24

Step parenting usually comes with its challenges whether you are les or straight. It is up to the attitude of the parent and the step parent to put the kids straight. Kids will always "try" you. For crying out loud, they try their biological parents at every given opportunity, so what more of someone new in the home?...The biological parent has an even bigger role to play to ensure that boundaries are not crossed by the step child or the step parent. And hence this is a child we are talking about, you as the step parent have to use your self-discipline to know how to handle conflict between you and the child. Stepping up or stepping down is not always the best choice. You have a choice on how you will relate or work with some of the behaviours thrown at you by the child. Hence, the biological parent has a big role, to ensure that these are combated from the beginning...I hope this helps someone. I have a 14yr old daughter who absolutely adores and respects my partner of 2 years... oh and another thing, never ever fight infront of the kids...

ridingtillthewheelsfalloff

05/02/2013 02:42

I feel as though my relationship is falling through my hands as sand..and I feel myslef constantly rewriting the history of feelings...dating someone with a kid is extremely difficult when the child is a tween...its a whole other dynamic especially when so many other issues arise...o work with children on a daily but when it comes to matters of the home...I'm lost and feeling ultimate guilt as soon as I walk through the door...GREAT EXPECTATIONS replace the bond that's led to this point

Red XIX

04/21/2013 20:01

I'm in a situation with a woman who has a seven year old boy. I'm giving it a lot of thought, should I, is this what I want, am I ready for this, are they..? She is 28, I am 27... young parents, young lovers, young people.

That aside, I care for her a lot! I could never imagine bringing sadness, or pain to her or her little one (who I have yet to meet). We are both thinking over the next two days or so... we will see what happens.

Off the top of my head (and the two days I have already put thought in to non stop) I can say with honesty:

I want to bring her happiness, and nothing but good times. I know I cant protect people from everything, but I at least want to be there if she falls.

I am trying to be realistic, and honest with myself and the situation. Is this something real, is this lust, or is this something else... I am terrified to use the "L" word, but honestly, I don't believe for a second this is lust, or "other".

I have my fingers crossed... I have not told her yet, but she is someone (the first person) I have really thought about being with forever... Fuck, I can't believe I am writing this, but I guess I'm seeking a word from someone.

Well, comments are welcome. I'll check back in a day or two, maybe give an update.

Cheers,
Red XIX

toocoldkid

05/02/2013 02:51

It's definitely a different dynamic...think and discuss...stay dedicated to communication because the communication between a mother and a child can go any which a way which you should.be in the loop. If not...you've already fallen.behind...you.don't want to be in a position wjen.you're riding till.tje wheels.fall.off...another thing...play devils advocate...sometimes.o.feel.moms.need to.remember that thier partner can be as long lasting as their child...when tbey hit those tween years...they don't want mom...and mom.will.be looking for someone to fall.back.on..either stick it through or not?

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