These wedding things are real mine fields. Especially when they're foo-foo weddings that cost more than the GDP of Upper Volta. Extra-Sooper-dee-dooper Especially when it involves a friend who's also a relative.

As I read along, I kept both points of view in mind (the tux suggestion would have worked nicely) until I got to this.

"You’re wearing the dress and I don’t want to hear another word about it."

At that point, had it been me, it would have stopped being about the wedding and all about how friends treat friends if they are really friends.

Yes, it was her "big day" and she had a reasonable expectation to being accommodated by those whom she had chosen to play a role in the ceremony. By agreeing to play that role you were tacitly accepting her terms. but...

When you made your discomfort known, it was time for her to listen to you and negotiate a compromise. That she was willing to let you be so uncomfortable for so long over a matter that she had the power to alleviate is very disturbing, particularly since you had been so close in the past.

Big day or no, pulling a Scarlett O'Hara and ordering you around like a house servant is beyond the pale. This isn't the Antebellum South, although foo-foo weddings always make me think of it, for a variety of reasons.

The note was a twist of the knife. She knew that. That was her way of telling you, "Why did you have to place yet another layer of stress on me when I already had more than my share?"

And you reacted exactly the way she hoped you would. She knows you well enough to know it would work.

I sometimes treat my siblings, and get treated by them, in ways none of us would tolerate for an instant if friends did these things. It's part of being in a family, for me, a large one, so it happens a lot.

There no doubt was a bit of that dynamic going on here, "We're blood, dammit! Tow the line!"

Still, when all is said and done, she treated you very badly, and then guilt-tripped you as icing on the cake. Were it me, I wouldn't speak to her for a long time.

This is actually a great opportunity. It has made some of the salient features of your relationship even more salient. It has forced both of you to address a few things that need to be addressed. The bottom line is that she either accepts you as you are, or she doesn't except you. I don't know what your living situation is. If you are living in, say, a country where the penalty for homosexuality is death, Then you would need to adapt to this kind of conditional acceptance. That is really unfortunate, but it is a reality for many, many people. If you are not living in a situation where this woman's prejudice could be a serious threat to you, Then it is a good opportunity to look at the nature of your relationship with this person.

Oh dear.....Post malfunction in aisle 7, repeat, bucket and mop to aisle7

Yes, but she's also family. Handled the wrong way, shit like this will ricochet around the holiday dinner table for YEARS.

"Just who do you think you are, little missy? Treating your cousin Mary that way, and on her Big Day, of all days? You aught to be ashamed of yourself."

In my family it would REALLY get interesting when the wine began to flow. One Christmas one of my sisters, in a fit of exasperation, let mom have it with both barrels while she and her gaggle of sisters sat in their accustomed space near the 50' s era record playit rear, more

I was wincing through this whole post. I think you are an officer and a gentlewoman for the way you handled everything.

I agree with most everything Ed, above, said, except that for me, cousins fall closer to the line of "friends" than siblings...as in, cousins and friends can be excommunicated for things that I tolerate in my siblings. And this whole post is grounds for excommunication in my book, not to punish your cousin, but merely in the interest of self-preservation, self-respect, and reducing your exposure to people who are willing to put you up on the chopping block to preserve their own comfort.

Although I am dress/skirt-averse, I am in other ways very solidly (and comfortably) on the "more feminine" side of the gender spectrum and while I would never organically desire to wear a dress, it's no great hardship to me to wear [at least some styles of] dresses when asked. Indeed, when my then-best friend asked me to wear a two-piece bridesmaid outfit considering of a supremely unflattering metallic midriff top and shiny lam`e floor length skirt (you read correctly), I sighed and said yes. And have the photos to prove that I really DID look the worst of all the bridesmaids, who were svelte, very petite women on whom metallic midriff tops look, uh, neater.

The reason I give you that bit of background is to let you know that I too would have been very unhappy in this whole scenario. For me, it wouldn't be about being unwholesomely pressured into dressing in a way that felt uncomfortable/incompatible with my gender performance, but, rather, about being unwholesomely pressured into dressing in way that makes me uncomfortable, period, and having a so-called "friend" react to my expressions of discomfort by putting the screws to me.

Anyway, looking on the bright side, I admire the way you handled it all and, more than that, how much you seem to value your friends and family. We should all have friends like you.

Heh,heh. ( red face) I've asked that the slip-ups be dealt with. I really did not mean to post the same partially finished post four times.

My Apologies

Firstly...a boat-load of kudos for being brave enough to be open in a community where "folks don't do that sort of thing around here."

Secondly...another boat-load of kudos, every bit as big as the first, for remaining compassionate in the face of attitudes that are anything but compassionate.

We're taught what to hate. No one is born racist or homophobic. You're so right when you say that many, probably most, people who have a knee-jerk negative reaction to gays would not feel that way if they actually knew some. The ones who are out, anyway.

By being your usual open self, you give them something to measure their fear against, that is, you give them a reason to challenge what they've been taught.

Some people won't do that, of course. They are convinced that they are Saving Our Nation by hating gays, even though the Gay Agenda is posted for everyone to see on the community bulletin board down at the Safeway.

I really hope you are able to patch things up with your cousin. Losing a friend can easily be as emotionally damaging as ending a relationship

I really admire your attempts to please the bride. With that said, I feel it is so disprespectful for brides to make an attempt to suppress a person's gender expression and cause such anxiety and humiliation for that person. When I think of a possible future wedding day for me (I'm a femme), I would want to choose people to be in my bridal party that I admire and feel close to. I can't possibly ever imagine asking someone that I care enough about to be in my wedding to change who there, or how they express themselves simply to be in my wedding. I don't see how wearing a matching tux is such a problem. When she said how "weird" that would look...the underlying message is that she thinks we are weird. I'm sorry you had to go through this!

Hi:

I just saw this on-line and felt like sharing.

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/bridezillas-crazy-email-bridesmaids-goes-viral-respond-her-201500809.html