Being butch shouldn't stop you from doing something you want to just because it's "girly" and people might laugh.  These are my toenails right now!  And I'm not alone, either! 

Earlier this year, A Femme in NYC wrote How to Know if a Femme Likes You.  I've been wanting to write a butch counterpart to her excellent list. 

Many butches are shy.  I'm one of them.  Sure, some butches will march right up to you, tell you you're hot, and ask you out.  Not me.  And not most butches I know.  Faced with a hot femme (or butch--God, hitting on another butch brings up a whole host of other issues...), our confidence sometimes melts, a cocky grin turning into a tentative smile.

If the butch object of your affection is one of the shyer members of our species, her hints will be subtle.  These clues apply to butches interested in anyone--femmes, androgynous folks, other butches, or anyone else:

15 Signs That a Butch Might Be Into You 

1. She happens to have awesome suggestions about where to go to find your favorite kind of cuisine.
2. When you mention some place you're interested in, she looks interested and/or says, "Oh yeah...  I've been meaning to check that out."
3. She tells you, "We should hang out sometime."  (She won't actually ASK you out unless you say something positive in response, like, "Yeah, that'd be cool.")
4. She finds some thin excuse to get your email address or phone number.  For instance, she'll really want to talk to you about that plumber you recommended, or she wants to email you the name of some random book she thinks you'll like.
5. She invites you to a group outing.  This may seem counterintuitive, since what she really wants is some one-on-one time, but this way she doesn't seem like she just wants to get into your pants (and she saves face, since if you don't return her interest, she can pretend it was just a friend thing).
   
6. In a group setting, she sits right next to you.
7. In a group setting, she sits as far away as possible, then glances your way sometimes even when you're not speaking.
8. She blushes or gets an "aw, shucks" look on her face when you compliment her.
9. She insists on paying (possibly signalling that it's a date).
   
10. She lets you pay (with the caveat that she'll pay next time, which means that she wants there to be a next time, thus giving her a ready excuse to ask you out again).  
11. She tells you that you smell nice.
12. She either talks too much or stays super quiet.
13. She gives you those patented butch puppy-dog eyes (hint to butches: this doesn't work on other butches especially well; they're onto you). 
    
14. She'll do little tiny protective things, like walking on the outside of the sidewalk, opening your door, or offering you her umbrella.  (See, in our effort not to look like sleazeballs, we may be over-gentlemanly, like a 1950s college boy, but with better hair.)
    
15. She offers to do "butchly" things for you: fix your computer, check your tire pressure, or install your new garbage disposal.
    

Got it??

OMG, as I finish up this entry (and I'm totally not kidding), there are a butch and femme tentatively flirting at the coffee shop I'm sitting in.  The femme just grabbed the butch's hand to emphasize something, and the butch held it back, just for a second, and blushed.  Telltale sign.  Then the butch was all like, "Oooh, you should come check out this community garden we have, six of us will be there tonight having a few beers, yada yada yada," and the femme was like, "I totally will."  Well played, ladies. 

So what do you think of this list?  What are some of our other "butch tells?"

At the end of each month, I kind of look forward to checking out the list of odd search terms that brought people to BW.  Among my favorites for April:

• "why does everyone want to be with a butch woman" (Because we're all super hot.)
• "are chukka boots gay" (Only the ones that pair up with other chukka boots.)
  
• "calvin klein" "they have the" "the tie"  ("That is a" "good point."  "Indeed, they probably" "have several" "ties.")
• "what happens at the end of the pet milk story by stuart dybek" (The story is literally three pages long.  Read it yourself.)
• "do butches ever put dresses on"  (Yeah.  Wanna see?)
• "butch females & fems having sex videos" (Videos of butches and femmes having sex?  Or butches and femmes who own sex videos?  So confusing.)
• "what do butch lesbians wear to the beach" (This stuff.)
• "san francisco lesbians tube" (More on these mysterious lesbian tubes... Will this ever stop?)
• "sanfrancisco lesbians tube" (I mean, seriously, people!)
• "s.f. dyketube" (Sigh.)
• "my girlfriend says shes at a friends" (Liar!)
• "lesbian tubes" (Aaack!)
• "why does rachel maddow dress like a man" (Can somebody else please field this one?  Just looking at it makes me tired.)
• "butch females are annoying"  (But not as annoying as ignorance.)
• "how to encourage a gay hitting on a straight guy" (I'd try something like, "Yo, stop it.  That dude's straight.")
• "val" "long distance relationship" (If your significant other's name is "Val," I'd say your search may be a little too specific.)
• "my girlfriend wants an open faced panini sex style
  (Um.  What?)
• "men wearing timberlad boot sock fetish" (What's a weirder fetish, Timberland socks or open-faced paninis?  I say it's a toss-up)
• "men hugging each other" (The world's mildest fetish)
• "how to get a butchs attention" (Throw a chukka boot at her.)
• "best way to be butc" (First step: master the spellchec functio.)
• "girls tie guys up and put makeup on them" (Well, yes.  But only for Cinco de Mayo.)
• "gay man in Splint"  (An unlikely scenario.  Gay people's bones are made of titanium and are exceedingly durable.)
• "does forest green shirt and blue undershirt match?" (No.)
• "can you wear dress vest unbuttoned" (Yes, unless it's a formal setting and you're wearing a jacket.)
• "can you wear cufflinks without a suit" (Yes.)
• "can you wear a black shirt under a white button up" (Yes, but you definitely shouldn't.)
• "butch women turn me on" (Well, as we established above, they are super hot, so that's to be expected.)
• "why are lesbians crazy" (Because people keep hiding our lesbian tubes.)
• "what does it mean when man embraces women" (It means he wants an open faced panini sex style.)

Stay tuned for the next thrilling entry.  What'll it be?  Lesbians in Alaska?  A tale of underground dyke communities in far-flung regions of the world?  A list of ways butches screw up relationships?  These are just a few of the great guest post ideas that your fellow readers are cooking up.  I have a feeling you're going to like this feature...

That's a wrap for today.  Be well, butches!

I found this tie fabric at an Asian market a few towns away.  I loved it, but it was $20, so I decided to settle for a picture.  But I still want it.

Awesome, right?  I'm not even sure what I'd do with it, but I'm sure I'd come up with something. 

Next, here's a piece of graffiti I found on a table at a local university:

(In case you can't read it, it says, "f--k physics.")  To me, there's something kind of darling about it.  The neat, measured writing.  The undergraduate angst trapped in the angles of the letters.  I just wanted to give this person a big hug and tell him or her that it would all be okay.  That this midterm, too, shall pass.  That Friday nights in college are better spent almost anywhere but the library (a lesson that I, myself, learned disappointingly late).

Next, a graffiti FAIL on a shed in a small town where I went hiking the other day: 

This is even harder to read.  The top word says "hell," although the "h" is wearing away.  And the bottom word says, simply, "PENUS." 

I imagine some kid in this town sneaking out with a can of spray paint from his parents' garage or a pastel palmed from his middle school art class, and writing the WORST WORDS HE COULD THINK OF.  And spelling one of them incorrectly. 

Dearest Readers,

Take out your keyboards and sharpen your wits, because I'm actively soliciting guest posts!  I'll keep writing nearly all the stuff on BW, but I think it'd be fun to change it up sometimes (and from the reader survey I gave a few weeks ago, I know you guys would love occasional guest posts, too!). 

So, I need YOU.  If you want to write something for the blog, shoot me an email at butchwonders [at] yahoo [dot] com. 

You're free to make up your own topic.  I'm particularly interested in topics I don't know enough about to write in depth, including:

• Drag king life
  
• Racial issues in the butch community
• What are femme-femme dating relationships like?
  
• Lesbian life in some non-US city (especially if it's one where I have a lot of readers: London, Toronto, Melbourne, Sydney, Hong Kong, Calgary, Auckland, Calgary, Vancouver, Verdun, or Hamburg).
• The perspective of a trans woman who identifies as butch
• Anything else you think might be interesting!
  

HFAQ (Hypothetically Frequently Asked Questions):

Q: Do I have to use my real name?
A: No, but you can if you want to.

Q: How long does it have to be?
A: Shoot for 200-500 words.  But there's no specific length minimum or maximum.

Q: What if you don't like what I write?
A: Then I won't use it.  But I'll have the courtesy to explain why, and you'll be free to resubmit.

Q: But I'm straight [or a man, or a femme, etc.]!
A: Great!  I don't care if you're male, female, neither, straight, bi, gay, queer, fat, skinny, cisgendered, black, brown, or white.  If you have anything to say that's relevant to lesbians generally or butchy types specifically, I'd love to hear it. 

Q: Can I submit pictures?  How about a video?
A: Yes, and yes!

Q: Can I run a topic by you ahead of time?
A: Sure.

Q: You never write sex stuff.  I'll write sex stuff for you!
A: Well, in addition to my dandy-style prudishness, I actually like the blog to be SFW (safe for work).  But there are some awesome sex bloggers out there, and if you write to me, I'd be happy to recommend a few!  (Come to think of it, that would make another great guest post: best lesbian sex blogs, with SFW descriptions...)

Q: Who will read it?
A: These days, I have about 1500 readers daily.  So I'd guess 3000-4000.  Possibly more.

Q: I already write a blog.  Can I cross-post?
A: Sure!  Just let me know what you're up to.

Q: Are you going to have a lot of these?
A: I was thinking of one or two a month, depending how many I get.

Q: My grammar is horrible.
A: Mine isn't too bad.  I'll help you edit.

Q: But I'm only 18! (Or, I'm 75!)
A: Who cares?  I get readers of all ages and I love different perspectives.

Q: But I hate writing!
A: Um, then don't do it.  I'll still love you. 

I hope some of you will think about this--I'd really love to hear from you, and I know a bunch of BW readers would, too!

Mucho affection and a kiss on the forehead,
BW

I just wanted to take a second to point you toward some blog entries I've enjoyed from other bloggers in the past month or so:

• Kyle from Butchtastic talks about the new TSA guidelines for transgender travelers.  (Some of this stuff applies to genderqueer travelers, too.)  I'm guessing that some trans men, particularly those in the early stages of transition, might flinch at being patted down by a person of the gender they choose to "present."  What does this mean, exactly?  Check out Kyle's reflections here.
• Maddox of Neutrois Nonsense writes about what it's like having been on a low dose of testosterone for three months.  I always enjoy Maddox's writing, and this is particularly interesting.
• Chris, author of The Feral Librarian, writes this candid post about the transgressive nature of wearing a men's suit, reflecting on the (semi-)comfort she's afforded by her own position of privilege and wondering whether her coworkers ever wish that she'd "tone down" the butchness.
  
• A Butch in the Kitchen offers up a delectable-looking recipe for making Nutella-filled sugar cookies.  Then she has to go and taunt us by telling us how good they tasted with coffee.  *Drool.*
• G from Can I Help You Sir opines about the plight of young gay Mormons, asking: do they truly understand the life they're choosing?  
• Bren, one of the authors of Buzz Cuts and Bustiers, writes an interesting post about her own reflections on her gender identity: what "butch" means to her, the apparent contradictions in how she identifies in different situations, and Allen Ginsberg's "Howl."

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did.  All six are great blogs to follow!

I had an interesting conversation with a straight female friend of mine yesterday.  She happens to have a bunch of polyamorous friends, though she and her (amazingly wonderful) boyfriend happen to be monogamous.

Anyway, this friend recently attended a polyamorous commitment ceremony.  Here's the situation, as I understand it: The ceremony centered around (A) a man and (B) a woman (already married to each other), plus (C) a second woman who has a relationship with both of them.  The point of the ceremony was for the woman to affirm her commitment to this married couple, and vice versa.  Their parents were there (as if coming out to your folks as LGBT isn't hard enough, right?).  A, B, and C live together.  Two of them also have at least one relationship outside of the trio (to D and E, who are unconnected).  The husband and wife (A and B) used to have a relationship with another husband-and-wife couple (F and G), but A broke up with G.  B and F are still together.  

Whoa.

Before we go any further, a working definition: Polyamory is when you have a relationship (usually emotional and physical, but certainly emotional) with more than one person simultaneously.  Often, polyamorous people have a primary partner with whom they have their "main" relationship, and one or two other people with whom they also have enduring emotional and sexual relationships.  Polyamory is sometimes referred to as "responsible non-monogamy," because a central tenet is that there aren't any secrets--everyone knows whom everyone else is dating.

This is different from an open relationship because (typically) in open relationships, both people in the relationship agree that they can sleep with other people, but are emotionally monogamous.  Often, these couples have an agreement that they can't have "repeat" partners (in order to avoid becoming emotionally connected to anyone besides their partner), and/or an agreement that if they do start to have feelings for another person, that they will no longer sleep with that person, and/or an agreement that they will not sleep with mutual acquaintances. 

As you might imagine, there are practically unlimited configurations.  I know one gay male couple who has a list of 5-10 people with whom they are each allowed to sleep.  They have to get sexual partners pre-approved by one another, their lists can't overlap, and they aren't allowed to have sexual escapades with any of these people in their own house, or spend the night with them.  They can get emotionally attached to these other people, as long as these attachments don't rival or interfere with their attachments to each other.  (I don't know if they consider their relationship "open" or "poly.") 

Some polyamorous folks live together in groups of three or more, and may even raise children together.  Others keep calendars; they might spend Tuesdays and Wednesdays with their second lover and the other with their primary partner. 

These arrangements make my head spin.  I don't think they're wrong in an objective sense, but I don't think they'd work for me.  The main reasons:

1. Management challenges.  I can barely handle the demands of one partner, two pets, a blog, and a couple jobs.  Adding another partner to the mix?  Who has that kind of time?
2. Emotional demands.  I've (briefly) tried dating more than one person at once.  Maybe this would have worked if anyone I was dating was dating anyone else.  But they weren't.  And it felt like everyone was trying to win my affections.  I wanted to feel studly, but instead, I felt like a player (not in a good way). 
   
3. Jealousy.  Not other people's (though that's a problem, too), but my own.  If I was dating someone who was also dating someone else,
   I would be absurdly jealous.  Hell, occasionally I get jealous of exes who start dating other people, even if I'm the one who ended the relationship.  The idea of my DGF spending a night or two a week with someone else makes me want to tear my hair out.  While crying. 
   

Successful practitioners of polyamory manage to overcome these challenges, so I know it can be done.  But I think I'm wired for monogamy, the same way I'm wired to be a butchy lesbian.

This got me to thinking: if I'm "wired" for monogamy, then probably some people are wired for polyamory.  Does this mean that polyamory is a sexual orientation?  Or is it a sexual preference?  I've heard both from polyamorous people, and maybe different things are true for different people.

If polyamory is a sexual orientation, this has major implications.  For one, I believe that a person's sexual orientation should be protected by law.  Does this mean that poly marriages should be legal?  And if so, what does this mean for things like tax breaks and health insurance?  (For more on the legal implications of polyamory, check out this article I just found.) 

As I've written about before, I'm not entirely sure that the government should be in the business of endorsing marriage relationships at all, aside from allowing people to form contracts about issues like child-rearing, inheritance, etc.  Getting the government out of the business of regulating these relationships would be a step towards poly equality, I suppose.

In theory, I totally support poly equality.  In practice, I have a gut reaction against it.  I flinch at the idea of polyamorous households adopting kids.  And I can't articulate a concrete reason why, except that it goes against my idea of what relationships "should" be.  Which, when you think about it, makes me no better than gay marriage opponents who want their moral inclinations to prevent people like me from getting married. 

Would I vote for governmental recognition of polyamorous marriage?  I'd like to say, of course!  And in the voting booth, I believe my answer would be yes.  But it would be an uncomfortable yes.  And this discomfort makes me feel guilty and hypocritical. 

What do you think about this, dear readers?  Have any of you monogamous types felt the kinds of things I'm describing? 

And I know I have some poly readers, too: I claim no real knowledge about polyamory, so feel free to jump in, correct me, enlighten me, etc!

You may know her as cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester on Glee.  Or as the sexy-but-sleazy divorce lawyer on The L-Word.  Or even as Gayle Sweeney, recovering addict and head of the Sturdy Wings program in "Role Models." 

But did you know that Jane Lynch once starred in a long-running stage version of Brady Bunch episode remakes?  Or that when she was a kid, she used to sneak into her father's closet and try on his ties and suits?  (I'm guessing that latter morsel resonates with some of you as much as it does with me!)

In her new(ish) book, Happy Accidents (2011), 51-year-old Lynch recounts all of this and much, much more--starting with her girlhood in Dolton, Illinois and finishing up with her present-day life in Los Angeles. 

One of my favorite things about Happy Accidents is that Lynch doesn't pull punches.  You get the shame she felt as a high school freshman when she dropped out of her first acting role; the depth and struggle of her addiction to alcohol; her blithe arrogance in approaching early acting roles.  There's pain, sweat, hard work, awkwardness, and chance meetings.  There's joy, hijinks, foibles, and clear-eyed reflections on people's capacity for change.  Nor do you need to be a Gleek or a Christopher Guest enthusiast to enjoy the book.  Happy Accidents is rife with references that will resonate with dykes and comedy fans of all stripes. 

Though I'm not usually much for memoirs, Happy Accidents won me over.  This may be in part because I "read" the audio version, which the author reads herself.  Lynch's inflection and timing are as great as you'd expect, and really animate the prose.  I highly recommend listening to it.  You also get a hardback copy online for just $7.33, or a Kindle edition with audio/video for $9.50. 

Happy Accidents will be released paperback on May 1.  Outstanding.

Mini-entry time!  I just found a site (via Lifehacker) called Simple Desktops that boasts tons of minimalist computer desktops (free!).  A few struck me as especially butch-appropriate, and I thought I'd share them with you.  After all, why shouldn't your desktop look as effortlessly stylish as you do?  Celebrate the start of the week with a new desktop look.  Why not?  Here's a boxer shorts desktop:

This is probably my favorite one: glasses and a tie pretty much sum up my signature dressy look.

Anyway, hope y'all had a swell weekend.  My DGF and I got to spend much of the weekend with our buddies C and D (a butch-femme couple, though not strictly so), and it was way fun!  We BBQ'd tri-tip, went on a three-mile hike, and drank a bunch of coffee while our dogs played in the sun.  I don't think I realized how much I needed a break.  Now I'm actually rested(!) and looking forward to the week(!!).  I forgot how nice that feels.

Here's a tough question I got from a reader the other day.  I'll do my best to answer it, but I bet it'd be even more useful if others weighed in, too.

Dear BW,

Can you do a post about how you know you're female even if you're gender non-conforming at some point in the future? I feel like an alien in a Halloween costume when wearing women's clothes, even if they're not overly feminine. I don't feel like a dude, but I don't feel like a woman either, as far as I can tell, but if you aren't into being girly, how do you know if you're a woman? My best friends are straight and I don't know how to talk to them about how they know they're women. I wear all men's clothes, and I really like getting called sir, but I think that's only because I get called miss maybe 70% of the time, and sir 30% of the time, and I like knowing I'm ambiguous.

Thanks!
C


Dear C,

First: good for you to have the courage to ask these kinds of hard questions about yourself!  That's awesome.  Second: I'll give you the best answer I can, but I can only speak from my own experience; you should definitely talk to as many people as you can.

I had a conversation with my buddy C about something similar yesterday.  We were talking about gendered pronouns (we both use female pronouns, but are often called "sir" and don't mind it), and I mentioned that if I was a kid today (I'm in my 30s), growing up in a progressive area of the country (which I didn't), I wondered if I'd have identified as trans.  Why?  Because I totally didn't fit in with the other girls.  I didn't outgrow the "tomboy" thing--in fact, it became more pronounced as I got older.  I wished desperately that I could wear a tux to prom instead of a dress (ugh).  I can remember once in third grade, actually praying that God would come and turn me into a boy.  I felt much more at home with boys than girls.  Girls seemed foreign and hard to understand.  Boys made sense, and played cool sports.  (Mind you, I didn't feel like I was a boy, which many trans men report having felt.)

For me, identifying a boy would have solved this particular conflict.  But at the same time, I didn't feel uncomfortable in my own body (unless it was wearing women's clothes!  I was like you, in that I preferred men's clothes even to non-girly women's clothes).  It wasn't my body that was the problem--it was the culture around me (and the gender-based expectations and assumptions that culture contained) that were the problem.  I thought my breasts were kind of inconvenient, but I never felt like they weren't "mine."  As far as I can tell, this is a big difference between butches and trans men.  (You might be interested in this post about why female-identified butches are different from trans men.)  It wasn't until I started to meet butches and masculine women that I realized, "Oh!  That's what I am!" 

Some days it would be nice not to get stared at in public, which I wouldn't if I was a man in the same haircut and clothing.  But I don't feel like I "am" a man.  I don't want to use the guys' bathroom.  I like getting called "sir," as long as it doesn't happen all the time.  It reminds me I'm different.  Being a masculine woman just feels right to me.  I don't feel alienated from my lady bits--especially not when they're under a shirt and tie.  But put women's clothes on me and I'm suddenly an alien in my body.  This tells me that it's clothes and culture that are the problem, not my gender identity.  For my trans male friends, they didn't feel comfortable in their bodies no matter who they were with or what they were wearing.  Even if they were alone in the shower, they felt as if they were in the wrong body.  They hated being called "she" or ma'am.  (I'm not saying this is the experience of all trans men, just of the ones with whom I've talked about this.)

Until I was in my late 20s, all my best female friends were straight, and often fairly girly.  Even when I was married to a man (that's a whole other story--here's a link to part 1 of that five-part story if you feel like reading it), I didn't feel like I fit in with the straight women.  Now that I'm an out, proud, lesbian masculine butch woman, I feel like my straight female friends know I'm different from them, and respect it.  I don't think they see me as less of a woman, just as a totally different kind of woman.  And they often treat me more like a gay male buddy than like "one of the gals."  This took some getting used to, but I actually like it now.  The key point?  Just because you don't conform to society's ideas (or straight people's ideas) of what "being a woman" means, doesn't mean you aren't a woman! 

I should also point out that a lot of people don't identify as male or female.  Some identify as neither.  Others identify as both.  Some women get top surgery, because although they identify as women, they don't like having breasts.  Some trans men keep their breasts, because they like them or their partner likes them or they can't afford surgery.  There are all kinds of possible gender identifications and expressions.  Although boxes like "male," "female," "butch," "trans man," "genderqueer," and so on work for lots of people, that doesn't mean they have to work for you.  You can also pick more than one.  You can also change whenever you want.  There are no rules about gender, only patterns.  You don't have to follow one that's already been laid out.

I'm glad God didn't answer my third-grade prayer to be transformed into a boy.  I love being a butch woman.  There are hard things about it, yes, but overall, it just works for me.  Keep questioning, experimenting, and looking for answers about your own identity, and I bet it'll become clear what works for you, too.

Best,
BW