My DGF says that everyone has his or her "57 Rules of the Universe," and that most disagreements stem from people having different assumptions about the way the universe works. She also says that no two people on earth have the same 57 rules. Yesterday I sat down and wrote the first 57 "rules" that came to mind. Some are idiosyncratic and specific; others are very general. Some came from other people (my mom, grandmother, friends, teachers); others are things I've observed. Some aren't even really "rules;" they're more like preferences. But we can learn a lot about how people see the world by trying to understand their rules, and I got a kick out of trying to articulate mine. BW's 57 Rules of the Universe:
(Runner-up rules include "Raw tomatoes are the devil's food" and "Pluto really IS a planet.") Obviously, I'm not saying that any of these is right--just that this is how I see things. Which ones overlap with YOUR rules? Which ones do you disagree with the most? And what are a few of YOUR rules of the universe?
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There's one day every year when it really sets in that autumn is upon you. For me, that day was today. My world is riddled with indicia of fall: candy corn in the supermarket, the smell of rain in the air, leaves changing color, and my dog refusing to go outside because it's below 45 degrees. For me, it was a particularly appropriate day for change to be in the air, because yesterday, I decided to make a big one: the DGF and I are moving. As in, moving in. As in, moving in together.
We've been (back) together for two years, and have known each other for almost four, so it's not exactly a U-Haul scenario. Still, for me it's a pretty big deal. After my DXH and I split, I never thought I'd live with another human being. I didn't see this as a bad thing. Sure, it can be lonely to live solo, but: (1) I'm a poor sharer of personal space--as in, I need a ton of it; (2) I sing poorly and constantly--Billy Joel songs, made-up lyrics, or combinations thereof--something only my dog should have to tolerate; and most importantly, (3) once you've merged households with someone you love, breaking up takes on a whole new level of difficulty. It's hard to communicate in writing how heart-wrenching it was for me to split with my DXH (although someday I'll try to articulate it in more detail). I didn't think I'd ever be willing to subject myself to the possibility of feeling that kind of pain again. And yet: here I am. Prior to our decision, my DGF and I had long discussed, hypothetically, the possibility of moving in together. We live 30 minutes apart, which is a pain, but we both have great landlords and fabulous places that we'd be sorry to leave. I'm also wicked allergic to one of her cats and semi-allergic to the other, which seemed, for now, dispositive. (I didn't think lesbians were even allowed to be allergic to cats.) But then, idly browsing Craigslist apartments (as I mentioned in my last post that I'm wont to do), I happened upon a house with a detached studio. That's right--a separate house for cats. Not to mention: a big fenced yard, hardwood floors, hiking trails nearby, a bar, cafe, and grocery store within walking distance, and... wait for it... a built in side-by-side gas and charcoal grill on the patio. What more could two butches in love possibly want? So we checked it out, both thought it was ridiculously perfect, and are planning to sign the lease this week. Whoa. This is happening fast, but at the same time, it feels right. Occasionally in my life, I'm lucky enough to have a gut reaction about a big decision. Every time I've disregarded this feeling, I've regretted it (cough, law school debt, cough). And my gut has a strong feeling this time, so I'm going to follow it. Well, dear readers, this time I'm asking YOU for advice... anything the DGF and I know/do before moving in together? It's tough to be a traveling butch! Often we don't know what the clothing norms in our destination place will be like until we get there. I recently participated in the Butch 360 post on traveling, and it inspired me to come up with some quick tips for jet-setting butches. (By the way, I love Can I Help You Sir. Check out this post for a terrific insider's view of DADT.)
What are *your* go-to travel tips? What has surprised you the most about traveling as a butch? What odd situations have come up? Many readers have written that it's tough to meet like-minded women, especially if you live in a small town or have a career that rarely puts you in contact with other women-lovin’ chicks!
When I was actively dating, I dabbled (okay, more than “dabbled”) in online fora, partly because Match, OKCupid, and Yahoo! Personals were quieter, less irritating places to meet people than in bars, and partly because I could pretend to be socially active while sitting in my recliner drinking a Fat Tire. Although I didn’t find lasting love in cyberspace (though I made some great friends), I highly recommend it. Here are a bunch of easy tips to get you started. Some are written with butches in mind, but most apply to everyone:
What has been your strangest online dating experience? Any tips to add to the list? Any questions about things I haven't covered here? Many of you awesome readers have started sending me questions. (Keep the emails coming. I love hearing from you guys!) I write each of you back individually (well, eventually--sometimes I get a backlog--but I'll get there; I promise!), but it occurred to me that I should occasionally post Q&As that might apply to other readers. So here's BW Q&A installment #1! K writes:
I know you didn't identify as a butch until a bit later in life, but do you have any advice on being a butch as a teenager? I just graduated high school, and I've always had difficulty relating with other people because I've never really known any other butches. I've always been a bit of a butch (hanging with boys, falling in love with girls, and playing a more 'masculine' role in my short lifetime), and my parents have allowed it. They were accepting when I came out to them. Also, during my entire childhood, my peers never gave me guff about it. However, I can't help but feel out of the loop when none of them understand the difficulties of a butch female. I was hoping you'd have some tips on how to find other butches around you (other than the obvious, look for a girl that looks like a boi.) Dear K., Being butch as a teen can be tough, and I'm glad to hear that even if they don't always understand you, your friends and parents support you--that's awesome (and all too rare!). It's strange being the only one you know who's like you, isn't it? Sometimes you probably feel like you're from a different planet (or that everyone else is). Fundamental assumptions about gender are built into virtually every facet of life in most modern cultures--from bathrooms to clothing departments to Little League. When I was growing up, these divisions never made any sense to me--and the REALLY weird part was that they seemed to make perfect sense to everyone else. Funnily enough, I sort of always understood that I was "butch"--indeed, long before I realized I was gay. There was something visceral about masculinity for me. I never had crushes on girls as a kid or a teen (I was too busy trading baseball cards, reading sci-fi, and playing basketball), but all the other signs of butchness were there. I wasn't just another "tomboy"--it felt permanent. I knew there was something elemental that separated me from my female friends, though I didn't know what it was. You are already way ahead of where many of us were in our teens! Later in life, when I came out and started to meet other butches, I finally understood what I "was." Indeed, this is one of the many reasons why I identify as butch. You're right that butch buddies can be super important (see my post about the topic here). And they're not always easy to find when you're young. Here are a few ideas I have for how you might cope. Some involve ways to meet butches; others are just general advice for life as a youngish butch.
I hope other readers will weigh in with their ideas, too. But one more thing: Even after you find your community and your butch buddies and are comfortable in your own skin, don't forget what isolation felt like. Five or ten years from now, a young butch will come up to you at a farmer's market or a baseball game and ask you some inane question to start a conversation. I hope you'll greet her with a smile and a fist bump. |
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