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Butch ≠ Misogynist.

11/13/2012

62 Comments

 
I've been troubled lately by some writings by butch authors.  Things like:
  • I want my femme to look good all the time.  I expect her to dress up, put on makeup, etc., whenever we go out.
  • Don't open the door for me.  I'm the one who opens the doors, BBQs, and fixes things, thank you very much.
  • Femmes are so emotional.  I'm not.  It's a butch thing.  Don't expect me to know what you're thinking, and quit crying all the time.

I'm paraphrasing, but not by much.  These kind of sentiments strike me as sexist/misogynistic.  I mean...  we all have the right to preferences--I don't dispute that.  But imagine that a heterosexual cis man wrote the things above.  ("Women are so emotional.  I'm not.  It's a guy thing."  Or insisting that only he gets to BBQ or fix things.)  Sure, he has the right to prefer those things, and they would probably lead me to suspect that he was a sexist, and someone I wouldn't like very much.

Why should these kinds of sentiments be different when a butch expresses them about a relationship she wants with a femme?  Is it inherently different simply because they're both female?  I'd argue that it's not.

When mentioned this to my DGF (dear girlfriend), she laughed.  "Don't you know that's how most people think of butches?" she asked.  "When people think butch, they think of people who want to play a traditionally 'male' role in a relationship."  She went on to explain that this is part of the reason she doesn't identify as butch herself, even though (trust me) she totally is.

This all gave me pause.  Sure, my DGF is more than a decade older than me, so maybe her sense of people's perceptions of "butch" are different for that reason.  Or maybe there's just something I'm failing to comprehend about butch-femme relationships, since I don't prefer to be in them myself.

What do you all think?  Do the kinds of comments I bulleted above strike you as sexist or misogynistic?  Are they the kinds of things you assume a person thinks when she tells you she identifies as butch? 

62 Comments

November, Gratitude, Etc.

11/11/2012

3 Comments

 
Hey all!  So I've been in bed with mono for two weeks.  I'm definitely starting to feel better, but DANG mono can last a long time.  Being sick has gotten downright mono-tonous.  Har, har.  I've eaten boatloads of saltines, grown tired of red Gatorade (the original kind--this G2/G3 business is cray cray), and played dozens (hundreds?) of rounds of Gems with Friends.

Meanwhile, the out-of-doors has become downright fall-ish in my neck of the woods.  Though I've yet to consume my two favorite autumn foods, candy corn and pumpkin pie, I'm in a November mood.  Some people are posting one thing for which they're grateful every day this month (thanks for the tipoff, Bee Listy).  But I thought I'd shoot my proverbial gratefulness wad all at once (yes, I really did just write that sentence) and list 30 things here and now.  Boom.

  1. The election results!  A president who isn't scared to mention The Gays in his acceptance speech!  Elizabeth Warren!  Maine and Maryland!  There is much to celebrate.
  2. Fiction!  The pleasure of reading stories, of turning pages, of becoming subsumed in the printed word.  Right now I'm reading Murakami's Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman and Bolano's The Savage Detectives, and am enjoying both very much.
  3. My DGF (dear girlfriend)!  Her mischievous smile, her dancing, her sense of humor, her curiosity about the world--all of these things make me happy, and I love her more every day.
  4. A sense of relative security!  Sure, I have student loans up the wazoo and earn a rather wee salary, but on a day-to-day basis, I don't wonder if I can afford groceries or heat, and that is an incredibly comforting feeling that many people do not get to have.
  5. Coffee! 
  6. Beaches!
  7. Succulents!  Recently my DGF and I have gotten addicted to succulents, and have been having a lot of fun growing them.  You can propagate them from leaves!  How cool is that?  (Answer: very.)
  8. BW readers!  I love that I get to write something a lot of people enjoy reading.  I am very grateful that you read this blog.
  9. Friends!  BB, CB, KC, MK, JG, DD, SJB, E&E, MT, LR, TH, and many others.  Friends give me perspective and make me feel loved. 
  10. Warm showers!
  11. Being a butch lesbian!  I'm grateful that I can present the way I really am, be out, and be me--fleece vests and all.
  12. My dog, Scout!  Scout is my buddy.  Loyal, smart, playful, and absurdly well-behaved.  When I go running, she goes with me.  When I'm sick, she never leaves my side.  Especially if I'm eating something.
  13. Dr. W!  My therapist is amazing.  She helps me understand who I am, gain courage, work on my strengths, and be a better person.  She also has a fabulous BS-detector (important when working with me). 
  14. Projects!  I love having projects going.  Research projects, art projects, writing projects.  Projects, projects.
  15. Fruit!  Particularly pomegranates and Fuyu persimmons (the flat kind).
  16. Trail running!  I want to work up to doing a lot more of it, because I find it exhilarating and challenging.  
  17. Rainy days!
  18. Sunny days!
  19. Music!  Music can elevate my mood, stir up memories or make me dance.  I am also grateful for the ability to make up my own songs (something which is almost certainly not on my DGF's gratitude list).
  20. My new shoes!  They're making my plantar fasciitis feel a little better.  Plus, they are orange, and I love orange.
  21. My parents!  I am absurdly similar to them in some ways and absurdly different in others.  My relationship with them has evolved a great deal and their support for me has been unwavering.  I love them immensely.
  22. My friendship with my mom!  This deserves its own list item. 
  23. Home!  I live in a place I really like--both the house and the region. 
  24. Writing!  Of all kinds.  Words to paper.  Words to screen.  Words to napkins in ballpoint pen.  Words words words.
  25. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece (+1 on the way)!  They're an awesome family, and I can't wait to hang out with them next month.
  26. The smells on my drive home!  There are all kinds of trees on my way home, and I love how they smell: piney and earthy and dewy.
  27. Humor!  God, I'm grateful for humor.  I find many things amusing or silly or ironic, and I love seeing the world this way.
  28. My DXH!  I've written a whole lot about him in the past, but suffice it to say that I have an incredibly loving, supportive ex-husband, and I'm grateful that he's such an important part of my life.
  29. Second chances!  Whether it's a relationship or a writing rejection or a dozen push-ups, second chances are the best.
  30. Things to look forward to!  I love having things to look forward to.  Vacations, down time with my DGF, books to read, plans with friends, cool work projects...  There was a time in my life when I lost the ability to look forward to things, and I think that makes me especially grateful for it now.

What's on your gratefulness list, dear readers?  Comment below and list at least three things, large or small.  As many as you want.



3 Comments

Casual Ties: How to Pull Off the Look

11/4/2012

4 Comments

 
In response to my last post, a reader named Tessa asked:
[W]hat are good ways to dress down a tie? I really enjoy wearing ties, especially at gay bars, where a woman in a tie isn't necessarily out of place. But I don't want to look like I'm trying to be formal when I'm just out dancing with my friends.

Great question!  I can certainly sympathize: I'm rarely in formal settings, yet leap at any semi-plausible opportunity to don neckwear.  Two key things to remember: (1) inject some whimsy and/or color and/or self-awareness; (2) keep the pants casual.  Let's check out a few approaches.
Picture
via girlsinties.tumblr.com
1. Throw on a colorful or super-casual jacket or sweater.  Check out the picture at left.  A white shirt and black tie alone would be way too formal.  The sweater with a T-shirt, too casual.  Combine 'em both, and the look is bold, fun, and colorful.  The two looks below illustrate the same idea.  A denim jacket (left), varsity-jacket (right; must be worn ironically), or even a black leather jacket are great ways to say, "Yeah, I'm wearing a tie.  And I'm having a freakin' blast doing it."

Picture
via girlsinties.tumblr.com
Picture
via rugby.com
Picture
via dapperq.com
2. Pull a hat trick.  A casual hat, like the driver's cap this model is wearing (right), is dapper and does a nice job dressing down the tie.  The pants aren't super casual, but see how they're dressed down with a pair of Vans and a casual watch?  That ensures that you know she's going for a look, not just randomly throwing on the first hat she found in her closet.  (That watch is good for dressing down.  I got one on Amazon last year and it's held up great.  A steal for $14.96.  This calculator watch for $14.99 would do the trick, too.)

Picture
via convocafe.com
3. Add a vest.  I've made no secret of my love for vests.  Suit vests are fun, versatile, and can be worn buttoned (left) or not (right).  Especially nice with a slightly-loosened tie.  A guitar never hurts.
Picture
via girlsinties.tumblr.com
Picture
via dapperq.com
Picture
via todaystie.tumblr.com
4. Bust out the Levis.  Well-worn classic blue jeans can look awesome with a tie.  Check out the model at left.  Talk about smokin'...  Below her, see the man in the sunglasses, green shirt, and brown suit vest?  That look illustrates not only how good jeans can look with a tie, but another dress-down principle as well:

5. Plaid shirts are automatically casual.  If you can pair a tie with a plaid shirt, congratulations: you've successfully dressed down your tie.  Plaids are in (thank goodness), colorful, and go well with a solid tie or even a printed tie (provided the print is smaller than the plaid in the shirt).  The DapperQ website always gives me good fashion ideas, and I love the look of the model below.
Picture
via dapperq.com
Picture
via the-unfeminine-female.tumblr.com
By the way, it helps to know thyself.  Be aware of your own look.  If you have a mohawk, or wear ear gauges/tunnels/plugs, or sport a bunch of visible tattoos, your look will likely be easier to dress down, since you already look less formal.  On the other hand, if you're like me and have none of the above, you're going to have to add one or two additional accouterments to dress down a tie to the same degree.

6. Cultivate the "self-aware nerd" look.  This is a close enough cousin of the un-self-aware nerd look that it can be a little risky, but it's definitely worth a shot.  Note the throwback glasses and rolled up sleeves?  The two butches below are totally stealing my fashion moves.
Picture
via isadoradandy.tumblr.com
Picture
No idea where I found this pic. Sorry.
Picture
via teamnoahmills.tumblr.com
7. Mix prints.  Click on the pic at right if you can't see it well on your screen. (This guy is apparently a famous actor, but I'm not always clued in on the culture loop--e.g., my  recent introduction to the concept of "jeggings.")  He has on a red gingham print under a vest with a much larger pattern in beiges and browns.  His skin tone and musculature no doubt help, but the match works because he's mixed a small print with a large one (so the two don't compete), plus there's no color clash happening.  He's mixed prints, but only one color is poised to "pop."  If his vest was a green plaid, I'm not sure anyone could pull it off (well, except maybe Rachel Maddow).

Have a blast dressing down your ties, #teambutch!  And send in your pics--I want to see you rocking these looks. 
4 Comments

Your Awesome Autumn Wardrobe: Neckwear

11/3/2012

6 Comments

 
Picture
I love autumn for many reasons, but the top three are:
1. Pretty leaves.
2. Pumpkin pie.
3. It's tie season again!

As a few of you have mentioned to me, I've been pretty lousy about keeping the Butch Store up to date, but I hereby resolve to do better.  Not only do I make a whopping $9-$15 every month (because 5-6% of the proceeds go to support this site when you shop there), but making sure butches look good is a service to our great community.

Picture
With that in mind, I'm reviving the Butch Store, and promise to have more terrific, up-to-date recommendations for clothing and more, starting with ties.

(BTW, I've devoted previous posts to ties: why I love wearing ties but sometimes hesitate to, dos and don'ts of tie-buying, and an ode to wool ties, for starters.  You can see all my tie-related posts here.)

If men's fashion week, GQ, Esquire, and common sense are right, ties will be as popular as ever this late fall and winter.  Less emphasis on looking like Don Draper,  more emphasis on tailoring, wool, plaids, blues, and dark greys.  So check out the Butch Store to get started, and tell me what else I should add.

Have you rocked a tie yet this fall, dear readers?  What questions/concerns do you have about wearing ties?  Sometime this month I'm going to post a list of tie-wearing tips, so I'd love to hear your questions!

6 Comments

Kiss Me--I Have Mono!  Plus, October's Best Search Terms!

11/1/2012

14 Comments

 
Hi BW readers!  It's been almost a week since you heard from me.  I've been uncharacteristically tired and had a weird constellation of other symptoms, so I went to the doctor, and...  I have mono!  Mononucleosis!  For the third time.  I am writing this with a pillow wedged beneath my upper left side to ease the constant pain of my swollen spleen.  Awesome!

Anyway, I miss you.  Not all my readers--I love them all, but I miss YOU specifically.  So I wanted to say hi.  And what better way to say hi than sharing a list of the weirdest search terms that brought people to Butch Wonders in October?  Here you go:

  • "bride requiring bridesmaids nipple piercing"  (Not okay, people.)
  • "are chukka boots gay"  (These days they prefer to be called "queer," but yes--they live an alternative lifestyle.)
  • "whats the best way to flirt with dike"  (A "dike" is a rock embankment that prevents floods.  I'd try splashing it playfully with river water.)
  • "should lesbian sister be made to wear dress"  (Read this.  Apply liberal douses to all related situations.  P.S. You scare me.)
  • "how to make a faux hawk without looking butch"  (You'll have better luck making Johnny Weir look straight.  We have a monopoly!)
  • "quizzes on things that can be worn"  (Okay, here's the quiz:          1. shoes  2. shirts  3. wild ponies  4. hats  5. volcanoes 6. gloves.   Answers: 1, 2, 4, and 6 = yes.  3 and 5 = no.)
  • "lesbians pet names"  (We've talked about precision before, but this is getting out of control.  Are we talking about pet names others have for lesbians, or lesbians' cutsey little names for other people, or the names of cats, dogs, ferrets, etc., owned by lesbians?  Is the elimination of ambiguous modifiers too much to ask?  Gah!)
  • "butch girl signs"  (Found one!)
  • "lesbian do whatever you want"  (Uh...  thanks.  I will.)
  • "do gays wear football jerseys"  (In 21 states we're not allowed to, but the Supreme Court may touch on this in the DOMA ruling.)
  • "is it gay to hug a gay guy"  (Yes.  It will make you gay, although if you weren't gay before the hug, you'll still be allowed to wear football jerseys.  Freakin' loopholes.)
  • "create your own demon name"  (Bob.  Tom.  Alicia.  I did it!!!)
  • "why do butch lesbians have kids"  (Because hamsters die too fast.)
  • "why do boys love boy toys"  (Maybe there are inherent, biological differences between boys and girls that make boys love trucks and girls love tutus.  Or maybe it's the pervasive gender-based socialization in our society.  I vote #2.)
  • "why are all lesbians in michigan butch"  (I don't know, but after all these years, you've finally given me a reason to seek a pleasant peninsula.) 
  • "who rules the universe"  (Bob, Tom, Alicia, et. al.  See above.)
  • "swimming pool post/2012"  (No one knows what post-2012 swimming pools will look like, but we can't wait to find out.)
  • "single mom dating kids under age 3 too soon"  (Who cares whether it's "too soon?!"  Dating kids under age three is illegal and wrong!  Seek professional help.)
  • "signs that a butch lesbian wants you but is sometimes an ass"  (Butch lesbian is interested in you; has a pulse.)
  • "samurai haircut lesbian"  (The first thing that popped into my mind was a beauty salon version of this [now unfunny] old SNL skit.)
  • "make your own demon fox"  (Check.)
  • "lesbain tattoo"  (I hope this person's tattoo artist has spell-check.)
  • "if someone asks you for homosexual sex"  (You are required to give it to them, unless you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
  • "if a lesbian opens the door for you"  (It means she is requesting homosexual sex.  If you do not find her attractive, I hope you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
  • "i want to transition to a girl because i love girls"  (In that case, I want to transition to a Butterfinger candy bar.)
  • "how to talk to yur children when parents embarc on dating"  (Furst talk to yur kidz about importents of spellign.)
  • "dark very butch hair nine tits very young"  (I like tits as much as the next dyke, but nine of 'em seems like an awful lot.)
  • "comma splicing fun teaching for hairdressers"  (Comma splice fun teaching for everyone!)
  • "can you melt butch"  (Yes, if you get the pan hot enough.)
  • "how do i tell if clothing is male"  (It used to be that you could tell just by looking.  But now you have to ask it how it "identifies.")
  • "happy monday dogs"  (Happy Wednesday, capybaras!  Happy Friday, piglets!  Happy Tuesday, arthropods!  This is like some bizare version of Goodnight Moon.)
  • "gay xmas picture"  (How about this, this, or this?)
  • "gay friend surprise in bed"  (Doesn't this sound like an Oprah episode waiting to happen?)
  • "what does it mean when a lady ask you if you know a plumber"  (It means she wants you to rub Jell-O in her armpit.)
  • "what does it mean if a butch lesbian stares a lot"  (It means she's a plumber.)
  • "butch dog names"  (Jojo, Rasputin, Twinkletoes.)
  • "butch cat names"  (Merlin, Lucinda, Archibald.)
  • "how to make a four year age gap work"  (Eliminate welfare.)
  • "how much do you age in a year?"  (Approximately 365 days.)
  • "how do you get a girl to like you if your a girl and she is not lesbian"  (If she is not a lesbian, you're going to have to make her one.  Start by asking her if she knows a plumber.  If she comes at you with Jell-O in hand, you're golden.)


Your swollen-spleened Butterfinger-loving demon fox,
BW
14 Comments
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