via zazzle.com Today I realized it's been over a year since I started this blog. It began as a random project to let me opine about butch fashion, gender expression, etc. Since then, BW has grown to over 1000 unique readers daily (40,000-50,000 monthly!) and been voted About.com's Best Lesbian Blog of the Year. You've commented over 1000 times to my over 150 posts. Wow, dear readers. I didn't expect to enjoy writing BW this much. Yeah, I love writing. And yeah, I care about these issues. But I wasn't expecting to receive hundreds of emails saying that a blog entry made you think, or made you laugh, or helped you get through your day in some small way. Thank you so much for reading. It means a whole lot to this butch. I hope this year will be even better. I want to keep writing stuff you enjoy and find relevant, keep giving you solid fashion advice, and keep starting different dialogues about gender and sexual orientation. I want to finally flesh out the Butch Store, have more guest posts, and make occasional video or audio postings. Maybe we'll grow, maybe not. Maybe I'll finally break even on this thing (ha!), maybe not. But regardless, we're all going to have a really freakin' good time and keep building this community of readers, butches and non-butches alike. Whether you're a new reader or a longtime one: thank you for making this year awesome. Love, hugs, and fistbumps, Butch Wonders P.S. Some of you have written asking if I've covered particular topics. This weekend, I'll make an index that should be easier to navigate than the usual post tags, and will help you see what I've written about various things. P.P.S. Thanks again. You rock.
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_I'm currently in the middle of Nowheresville, New England visiting my DGF's parents, who live in a retirement home. For health reasons, her mom is rarely able to leave the home. And her father is legally blind, which prevents him from going anywhere on his own. All of this is to explain the following unlikely circumstance in which I found myself on Sunday morning: in a Catholic church, helping escort my DGF's father to Mass. I've only been to Mass once before, and that was a funeral Mass (or, as I incorrectly called it yesterday, a "death mass"), so this was a new experience for me. I was instructed ahead of time not to take communion, because I'm not Catholic. (I was baptized Christian, but this is, I learned, unsatisfactory in the eyes of the Catholic church.) My DGF is not practicing, but was baptized Catholic, so according to her father, she was allowed to take Communion if she promised to go to confession within the next 30 days (which she was unwilling to promise). That's right--not 31 days. Not 35. 30. (Later, we looked for this rule online and it seems that you actually have to have been to confession in the 30 days before receiving Communion, but we still aren't totally sure.) Mass was short. Like, way short. Like under an hour short. We went to the 11 am Mass and made it to breakfast by noon. Perhaps because of the service's length, almost no one bothered to remove their coats. My most recent churchgoing experience before that was an evangelical-type Baptist church, where the service always lasted over two hours, plus socializing afterward. I kind of admired the Catholic efficiency. There were maybe 250 people attending mass, only five of whom were non-white. Don't get me wrong--I'm fine with white people (some of my best friends are white people), but there was something disconcerting about being in a nearly all-white room. (Yeah, I'm white, too. But still.) Interestingly, one of the five non-white people happened to be the priest, who I think was Latino, and spoke with a heavy accent. It was kind of heartening that all these white people, the great majority of whom looked to be 60 or older, had someone of color as their religious leader--a trend that I've since learned is not uncommon in the Catholic church, since many young priests these days come from non-English-speaking countries, particularly Third World countries. The church program (which was printed in color, something I'm not sure Protestants would allow) didn't say what was happening when in the service, so I just tried to stand, kneel, and sit when I was supposed to. There was a great deal of ceremony involved. Continuing to survey the attendees, I began getting a distinct sense that this particular church was more the Santorum variety of Catholic than the Kennedy variety--an impression reinforced by the advertisement of a Planned Parenthood vigil later in the week. When it came time to take Communion, I was pretty sure that lots of people wouldn't go, given the rules about 30 days and being baptized Catholic. But as it turned out, my DGF and I were the only people who did not take Communion. As the people in our row quietly filed to the front of the church, we quietly did not follow them. This was met with disapproving glances from the other parishioners--glances which lingered for an awkwardly long time, shifting from me to my DGF and back again, and I suspect that around this time, it began occurring to said parishioners that we might be not be the nice young men we had originally appeared to be, but rather homosexual women. (My DGF, who tends not to notice these things, insists that "no one really looked at us." I assure you she is wrong.) Since Lent is approaching, the sermon was largely about giving things up. I guess one rationale for Lent is that giving something up for 40 days kind of purifies you. I was not raised Catholic (decades ago, my grandmother was excommunicated for getting divorced, which soured our family on Catholicism long before I was born). Nonetheless, I emerged from childhood with a near-preternatural susceptibility to guilt, and the whole idea of Lent appeals greatly to this susceptibility. I mentally counted how many days I'd already gone without ice cream (three) and wondered if I could get retroactive credit. At our post-Mass brunch, I asked my DGF's father about my retroactive credit idea, but he said it didn't count. He also squelched my idea to give something up that I don't feel a need to have anyway, such as cilantro or penises. I asked my DGF's dad what he was giving up, and it turns out that people over 59 don't have to give anything up at all. Immediately it became clear why the church had been packed with senior citizens--they were clamoring to take advantage of the loophole. Personally, I'm no atheist. My own philosophy is closer to "All steeples point to heaven" (something my excommunicated grandmother used to say). Well, maybe not all steeples, but you get the idea. But the whole experience of Mass made me think about how different my life might have been if I was raised in a church like this one. So many different religions and people and subcultures trying to do what they think is right, but simultaneously certain they've cornered the market on God. My DGF says that everyone has his or her "57 Rules of the Universe," and that most disagreements stem from people having different assumptions about the way the universe works. She also says that no two people on earth have the same 57 rules. Yesterday I sat down and wrote the first 57 "rules" that came to mind. Some are idiosyncratic and specific; others are very general. Some came from other people (my mom, grandmother, friends, teachers); others are things I've observed. Some aren't even really "rules;" they're more like preferences. But we can learn a lot about how people see the world by trying to understand their rules, and I got a kick out of trying to articulate mine. BW's 57 Rules of the Universe:
(Runner-up rules include "Raw tomatoes are the devil's food" and "Pluto really IS a planet.") Obviously, I'm not saying that any of these is right--just that this is how I see things. Which ones overlap with YOUR rules? Which ones do you disagree with the most? And what are a few of YOUR rules of the universe? There's one day every year when it really sets in that autumn is upon you. For me, that day was today. My world is riddled with indicia of fall: candy corn in the supermarket, the smell of rain in the air, leaves changing color, and my dog refusing to go outside because it's below 45 degrees. For me, it was a particularly appropriate day for change to be in the air, because yesterday, I decided to make a big one: the DGF and I are moving. As in, moving in. As in, moving in together.
We've been (back) together for two years, and have known each other for almost four, so it's not exactly a U-Haul scenario. Still, for me it's a pretty big deal. After my DXH and I split, I never thought I'd live with another human being. I didn't see this as a bad thing. Sure, it can be lonely to live solo, but: (1) I'm a poor sharer of personal space--as in, I need a ton of it; (2) I sing poorly and constantly--Billy Joel songs, made-up lyrics, or combinations thereof--something only my dog should have to tolerate; and most importantly, (3) once you've merged households with someone you love, breaking up takes on a whole new level of difficulty. It's hard to communicate in writing how heart-wrenching it was for me to split with my DXH (although someday I'll try to articulate it in more detail). I didn't think I'd ever be willing to subject myself to the possibility of feeling that kind of pain again. And yet: here I am. Prior to our decision, my DGF and I had long discussed, hypothetically, the possibility of moving in together. We live 30 minutes apart, which is a pain, but we both have great landlords and fabulous places that we'd be sorry to leave. I'm also wicked allergic to one of her cats and semi-allergic to the other, which seemed, for now, dispositive. (I didn't think lesbians were even allowed to be allergic to cats.) But then, idly browsing Craigslist apartments (as I mentioned in my last post that I'm wont to do), I happened upon a house with a detached studio. That's right--a separate house for cats. Not to mention: a big fenced yard, hardwood floors, hiking trails nearby, a bar, cafe, and grocery store within walking distance, and... wait for it... a built in side-by-side gas and charcoal grill on the patio. What more could two butches in love possibly want? So we checked it out, both thought it was ridiculously perfect, and are planning to sign the lease this week. Whoa. This is happening fast, but at the same time, it feels right. Occasionally in my life, I'm lucky enough to have a gut reaction about a big decision. Every time I've disregarded this feeling, I've regretted it (cough, law school debt, cough). And my gut has a strong feeling this time, so I'm going to follow it. Well, dear readers, this time I'm asking YOU for advice... anything the DGF and I know/do before moving in together? (FULL DISCLOSURE: This post has nothing to do with butch fashion, culture, or identity. Why post it here, you ask? Well, dear readers, I like to keep you on your toes.) Though I love where I live, I have the odd habit of looking at potential apartments on Craigslist at least once or twice a week. I'm not itching to move; I absolutely detest moving, but this is my version of window-shopping. And my DGF and I have been toying with the idea of moving in together, so I've been more diligent than usual in keeping abreast (HAHA SHE SAID "BREAST") of Craigslist's apartment happenings. In any case, I'm occasionally interested enough in a place to inquire via email. I've learned that places which seem too good to be true are usually located directly beneath a freeway, have no heat, or are Nigerian scams. Last week, I emailed about an apartment, and received the following note: I did get your response concerning the AD I posted on craigslist. My name is Justin James, The House is still available but presently I'm not around.. I did bid for a portion of petroleum land sometimes ago in West Africa and fortunately I won the bidding so I have to move quickly down to Africa to have my company set up. I came over here with my wife, we both bought the House when we got married. Later we decided to have the House rent out, we would have give an agent this job also but the truth of the matter is that the agent would want to handle it professionally and the occupant may not be able to reason along with him later. I know there is no way I can be sure that you are the right person to live in the House because we won't be able to see physical before sending you the keys and the documents to occupy the space. But I just had a feeling that anyone who knows what it takes to put the kind of structure down should know that maintaining a building is mandatory, so if you belief you can take good care of the House and handle it like yours then I will be more than happy to let you rent the House if you can promise me & my family that you will sure take very good care of the House for us as if it was your own. Please if you are ready now to occupy the House kindly provide the information below for record purpose. Generally, of course, I would just delete this email. But, whimsical girl that I am, I instead borrowed a page from the playbook of the creative and hilarious Deanne Smith. I filled out his application and sent it back: Dear J.J., It is so good to be getting letter from you kind sir. I will take excellent care of your resplendent house should you choose to encrust it to me. I can guarantee absolute caring of the property. I took the time today at 8:53 pm to malapropism by. Here is the form which you have regressed: RENT APPLICATION FORM Full Name: Butch Wonders Date of Birth: 17 Phone: none Current Address: 867 Wall Street, Apt 9 Reasons for Leaving Current Apartment: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE KOI IN THE POND OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. THEY EAT AND THEY EAT AND IT IS WAY TOO LOUD. I AM LOOKING FOR A QUIET PLACE WHICH YOUR HOUSE SEEMS TO BE. AS I UNDERSTAND IT, YOU HAVE NO KOI. IS THIS CORRECT? I CANNOT ABIDE KOI. Are you married: I am not allowed to get married. I am a LESBIAN GAY. Do you have a pet: yes, several Do you have a car: yes, several Occupation: Robot I look forward to hearing from you! Sincerely, BW Anyone sane (or, say, in possession of a dictionary), wouldn't respond to a robot. But JJ decided to give me the benefit of the doubt DESPITE my intolerance for koi and my flagrant misuse of the English language, writing: Thanks and i hope everything is going on well with you and your Work,i can see that you are very interested in renting my house,i want you to that your profile as been accepted by me and my family especially my wife she really want me to rent out this house to you but before i can do that i will like you to assure me that you will take very good care of my properties and that very thing will be kept in perfect condition I will like you to know that you will have to make a down payment today so secure the house if you make the deposit payment today the keys and the document will be ship out to you tonight and you will be receiving the keys and the document first thing tomorrow morning around 9:30am. so let me know if i can forward you the payment information of my church secretary here in africa which you will be using to make the payment via WESTERN UNION LOCAL AGENT STORE AROUND YOU. Do to the trust me and my family have in you we are ready to rent out our house to you if you can assure us about proper maintainance. let me know me if i can forward you the information on how you will be making the deposit payment right away. Thanks and God Bless. Cool guy, right? I sent back the following email to learn a little more about this JJ fellow. You never can be too careful, after all: That sounds great!! I can't wait to give you the money! But first, can you please fill out my landlord form? 1. Name (incl. middle names): 2. Is it okay if I have pets in the house? 3. What is your favorite kind of animal? 4. What is your favorite sports team? 5. Will you accept a gift from me if that gift is a lizard? (I raise gila monsters, which is a kind of lizard, and I have given them to landlords in the past as a show of good faith and happy wellness.) 6. Is it okay if I keep my shark tank in the apartment? 7. What are your views on gay rights? 8. What appliances does the apartment come furnished with? Specifically, I am interested in whether there will be a toaster, a microwave, and a quad-core Apple computer. 9. Can I paint the walls of the apartment black? I find that this calms the sharks. 10. How much do you think the apartment is worth, approximately, in Euros? I want to make sure I am getting a fair price. Thanks, and I look forward to hearing back from you soon so that we can swiftly complete our goodly transaction! BW I was afraid that this might be pushing it, and I wasn't sure I'd hear back from him at all. But JJ proved resilient: Hello Wonders 1. Name (incl. middle names):- James Michael Justin 2. Is it okay if I have pets in the house? :-Yes 3. What is your favorite kind of animal?:-Cat and Dog 4. What is your favorite sports team? :-I love Manchester Utd 5. Will you accept a gift from me if that gift is a lizard? :- (I raise gila monsters, which is a kind of lizard, and I have given them to landlords in the past as a show of good faith and happy wellness.):I will and i will take care of it.. 6. Is it okay if I keep my shark tank in the apartment?:- Okay. 7. What are your views on gay rights?:-I'm very grateful that gay rights is becoming more recognized in our society. 8. What appliances does the apartment come furnished with? Specifically, I am interested in whether there will be a toaster, a microwave, and a quad-core Apple computer.:- Utilities are there already but there is no apple computer there u can get one for your self all i have there is a dekstop. 9. Can I paint the walls of the apartment black? I find that this calms the sharks.:- No 10. How much do you think the apartment is worth, approximately, in Euros? I want to make sure I am getting a fair price.:- 653.727 EUR So let me know if i can forward you the information on how and where to deposit the payment so that we can procced further.. Regards Await your quick response. J.Justin Regards await my quick response! I have to admit that by this point, I was getting a little attached to my new friend. I mean, not only was he going to give me a "dekstop" (which I can only imagine is some new computer model by IKEA), but he promised to take good care of my gila monster. No black paint on the walls, though. I guess even a good guy like JJ has to put his foot down sometimes. Of course, I responded immediately, but I wanted to get to know him a little better, so I pumped him for more information: Hi JJ, Thank you SO much for your patience! Things are psychedelic at work, and as you might imagine, this makes me hobnob with incandescent co-workers. I have a couple of follow-up questions. How much would you like for the deposit? I could just take all the money in my bank account and wire it to you in one lump sum. 1. You say that your favorite kind of animal is both "cat" and "dog." How is this possible? Isn't that like serving two masters, or having two wives? I don't understand. Would you say you are more of a cat person or a dog person? 2. Do you own any cats or dogs? If so, what are their names? (Attach photo if possible.) 4. I am SO happy that you will accept the lizard and take good care of it! Do you have an address I can send it to? 5. Would you prefer a male or a female lizard, and why? 6. What will you name your lizard? 7. Where do you intend to keep your lizard? 8. I am disappointed that I won't be able to paint the walls black. Can I paint the walls some other color, such as silver (with metallic paint) or purple (with natural dye from a lavender plant)? 9. Thank you for your views on gay rights! I couldn't agree more! I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you personally gay? If not, why not? 10. A practical matter: is a gardener included with the apartment? If so, what is her name? It will need to be a female gardner. Ideally she will be in good shape and garden in nothing more than shorts and a sports bra. Can you arrange for this? Sincerely, Butch I kind of figured that at this point, our communication might peter out. But although it took JJ a day and a half to respond, he rose to the challenge: Thanks for the quick response and am glad to read back from you and i want you to know that you can make two month deposit rent upfront and as soon as you move in you will be sending the remaining balance to me, And as for my pets they both stay away from their self and their names are....Dog is called Lucy and my cat is called bra-tie so below is my secretary payment information,if the payment was sent out to him right away you will be receiving the keys and the document of the House first thing tomorrow Morning around 9.30am,I will like you to promise us that you will take very good care of the house for us Below is the information to send the payment through Western Union Money Transfer Nearest You.. Receiver's Name: Julan Davis Address : 101 Harvey Road Cresent City : Victoria Island State : Lagos Country : Nigeria And then he attached the following pictures: To me, bra-tie the cat looks suspiciously like an Internet image. But then again, who would make up a name like "bra-tie?" I was especially intrigued with the idea that these animals are both able to somehow stay away from themselves. How metaphysically delightful! Still, there was some outstanding business to which JJ had not attended. I wrote the following, somewhat curt message:
You didn't answer all my questions. :-( Within the hour, JJ came through like the trustworthy guy he has already proven himself to be: Thanks for getting back to me and i will like you to send me a female one so that she will gave birth to more of it and the address you will be sending them to is 101 Harvey Road Cresent,Victoria Island and i will keep the lizard in my room also it will be named kassy and as for the paint you can paint it with silver,Am not a gay all because God created me just different from that...A gardener is not included... No eye-candy gardener, but still. He has serious plans for Kassy the pregnant gila monster. (Something tells me that he might not have read up all too closely on gila monsters, though, if he wants to keep it in his room.) At this point, I wondered how many more questions I could get him to answer. This was getting fun. I wrote back: What is your favorite book you have ever read? How about your favorite movie? In no time at all, JJ answered: Thanks for the mail and am glad to hear this from you my favorite book is A Tale of two cities... And my favorite movie is Prison Break....Regards Admittedly, I did not see this coming. Not only am I impressed with his favorite book, but I love the idea that my faux-landlord's tastes are simultaneously so highbrow and lowbrow. Let's eat baked brie and follow it with pixy stix! Let's go see a Harold Pinter play, then hire a stripper! As a fan of the highbrow/lowbrow mix myself, I could tell that JJ was my kind of guy. Excitedly, I responded: Wow, I love a Tale of Two Cities, too!! When did you read it? I feel like not many people read it these days. I highly recommend Zadie Smith's White Teeth, if you're a fan of Dickensian characters and complex plots--and also if you don't mind omniscience, which I think was out of vogue for some time, but is becoming popular again. What is your personal philosophy about life? Have you ever been in a parade? Have you ever wanted to? If you had three wishes, what would they be? (Assume that you can't wish for more wishes.) Sincerely, Butch Little did I that our burgeoning friendship would soon come to an abrupt end. The next day, I received a doubtful inquiry: Hello, Are you really interested in renting my home or you are playing on my intelligent.. I wrote back immediately, assuring JJ that I was most certainly not playing on his intelligent. But I don't think he believed me, because he wrote back two more emails--one saying that he would answer "no more question" until he received my money, and another telling me that he was "not here for a joke." I guess I thought that a scam was sufficiently akin to a joke for us to be buddies, but no. I have received no further communication from JJ, and I think that even after all we've been through together, we are destined to part ways. |
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