I'm lucky enough to have a fabulous relationship with my mom.  We don't always perfectly understand each other, but we know each other better than almost anyone else knows us.  And I really wish I could be celebrating Mothers' Day with her today (albeit one of those arbitrary holidays that we celebrate largely because Hallmark tells us to--but that doesn't change the fact that it's a day we all think about moms). 

Anyway, in honor of Mothers' Day, I thought I'd combine Butch Wonders themes with mothering and pose the following questions to readers:

1. When you were a kid, did you think you'd be a mom?
   
2. Where were you when you came out to your mom (if you're out)?
   
3. What are two major traits you and your mom share?
   
4. What's something your mom taught you?
   
5. Name a mom you wish you could be with today (besides your own).
   
   

I'll go first.

1. No way!  I wanted--maybe, at the most--to be a dad.  To me, this meant going to work all day and not being involved in childcare.
2. At a PF Chang's.  We were out to lunch and I said, "Mom, I have something to tell you."  And then I burst into tears right in the middle of P.F. Chang's.  My mom asked, "Are you okay?  Are you going to die?  Do you have cancer?"  I shook my head.  "Is someone you love or I love about to die?"  I shook my head again.  She said, "Well, then whatever it is, it'll be okay."  Then we ate lemon chicken.  I think it took her some time to accept my sexual orientation, and maybe a little longer than that to accept my butchiness.  I guess "process" is a better word than "accept," because I've never felt "unaccepted" by my mom. And I've never regretted not being open as my "whole" self to her. After all, she's the one who taught me that it was not only okay but great(!) to be quirky and different from all the other kids.
3. Tenacity and creativity.
   
4. The importance of being a surVIVor, as she says--meaning persevering in the face of adversity.  When life throws her lemons, my mom does not get discouraged, nor does she "make lemonade."  Instead, she catches the lemons and stacks them into a pile, then uses the pile to get somewhere she'd rather be. Or she, like, makes a car out of lemons and drives away. She is pretty darned awesome.
5. My mom's mom.  She died many years ago.  I still think about her a lot. She was an amazing, philosophical, totally self-made woman.
   
   

How about you, dear readers?  What are your answers to some of these questions?

One of my favorite newish bloggers, A Lesbian in Pensacola, contacted me and said she'd like to post on BW about suitable butch beach gear.  I agreed; it's hard to get more beach-experty than Pensacola, after all!  Here she is:

Memorial Day Weekend is almost here, and tens of thousands of queers will head down to Pensacola Beach for a massive party. Whether Pensacola is your destination or you choose another beautiful beach this summer, a few essentials will keep you happy and healthy while enjoying your vacation.

The first rule of beachy butchness: nobody likes the boiled lobster look. Wear sunscreen (regardless of your natural skin color)! The beach is a lot more fun if you can go back the next day instead of lying in bed with ice packs and Ibuprofen.

If you're a softer butch, your style options have expanded in the past few years. Tankinis that used to consist of generic-looking shorts and squared off tank tops now run the gamut of triathlon-ready to super femme. Athleta offers tons of sizes, and while a lot of them might be too femme for some, I love the running-ready variety. The tops fit like sports bras, and solid colors abound. [BW note: what do you wear under that for a bra?  'Cuz my girls aren't gonna be tamed by that tankini alone.]  What we call the "classic Pensacola dyke" look is easily achieved with a women's bra-style top and men's boardshorts.

Rashguards will keep your skin burn-free and scrape-free. If you’ll be surfing, snorkeling, or on a boat, a good rashguard will be your friend. Rashguards are also a stylish way to cover your upper half, if you’re not excited about any of the bathing suit tops.

For butches who hate wearing women's swimsuit bottoms, the ever-present boardshorts are still ragingly popular.  Women's boardshorts are often short, fitted, and involve pink.  But there's been a lot of color and style progress recently, though most men's boardshorts will do just fine, as long as they're not so long as to inhibit your knees when you're playing in the water. It's maddening to try to stand on a surfboard and get stuck in a squat because your knees are locked in your shorts.

Other beach necessities include:

• Any of the Dykes to Watch Out For books make great beach reading. The comic compilation books are fairly small and easily tucked into a beach bag. Dykes to Watch Out For is like an illustrated soap opera, and strikes a good balance of humor and activism—just the right mix for a long day in the warm sand.
• Sunglasses are a must. Oakley Frogskins have made the rounds back to popularity, and there are myriad color combinations. I remember begging my parents for a pair in middle school, and now I can buy my own if I want to represent my 7th grade self (I'm tempted, minus the braces and long hair). These days, I prefer Oakley Bottle Rocket. They're lightweight and reasonably durable, plus, they wrap around the sides of the eyes, providing extra protection from glare off the sand.
• Flip-flops! Butch styles abound. I've had the best luck with Teva and Reef.  Plain black flops complement every type of swimsuit, but plenty of cool designs are out there to give you a little extra color.
• A good beach towel goes a long way. Since your towel is likely what you’ll be intimately familiar with at the beach, don’t skimp. I have yet to find a rainbow towel of any decent quality, but I know they’re out there somewhere.
• Frisbees are perfect for the beach. They don't weigh much or take up a lot of room in a bag, and water and sand won’t ruin them. There’s not much hotter than a beach butch doing something sporty.
• A waterproof case for your phone is a great asset. As long as your phone has a decent camera, you'll probably want to leave your heavy photographic equipment at home. I'm too nervous to dunk my phone regardless of the case, but waterproof protection will definitely come in handy if you get splashed while documenting favorite beach memories.
• Most beach towns don't allow glass near the sand.  But one bonus of a developed beachfront is bars. A local drink in a to-go cup—in Pensacola, we chug Bushwhackers—will be fresh, cold, and readily available. For the sober butch, coconut water makes a nice alternative to plain water, and it's available in plastic, cardboard, or aluminum containers.
• If you'll be hitting the sand for more than a couple of hours, you'll want a cooler. All are bulky, so a small, manageable one is your best bet. In addition to drinks, snacks will help you play longer. Even though everything will be on ice, pick something that has a low likelihood of spoiling or melting. Mixed nuts, oranges, and granola bars should hold you until it's time to explore the local restaurants.
  

Safe travels, and see you on the beach!

[BW note: Thanks for those awesome recs, Pensacola Lesbian!  You've not only inspired me to consider putting a "beach" section in the Butch Store, but you've made me want to visit Pensacola!]

Occasionally I get email from other aspiring queer bloggers asking for advice, and I received another one recently, so I thought I'd share some general, hard-won blogging advice.  Take it all with a boulder of salt.

BW's Tips for Bloggers

1. Assuming you want an audience, your blog should revolve around a theme, not just be a diary.  For a following, you  need an angle.  (Once you have a following, it's okay to deviate sometimes--regular readers are forgiving...  As, I hope, you all are right now...)
   
2. Let your personality shine through.  Whether it's nerdy, quirky, punny, whatever--it's genuine you, and this is the fun of it.
   
3. Keep a running list of possible topics.  Then on the weeks you're running dry, check the list and see what inspires you.
4. You don't need to know anything about coding or building websites.  Personally I use Weebly, because I like their templates and options and easy-to-view stats.  But there's also WordPress and a bunch of others.
   
5. Reach out to more experienced bloggers.  After you've got 10-12 good posts, ask if they'll put you on their blog rolls. 
   
6. Don't feel obligated to post every day.  It's nice if you can, but you don't want the blog to feel like something you have to do.
   
7. Give people an option to subscribe to your blog via email.
   
8. Do it for love, not money.  I'm positive I've spent more on BW than I've earned.  Would I like to make a living writing BW?  You bet.  Am I willing to post ads all over my page and pimp products I don't care about?  No freakin' way.
   
9. Have patience!  It can take a really long time for your audience to grow.
   
10. Some people will hate you, disagree with you, and/or think you're stupid--and won't be afraid to say so.  Pay attention to thoughtful critiques; ignore the morons.
11. Don't be defensive.  You will screw up.  When you do, admit it.
12. You're going to offend some people, even if you try not to.  This is not a nice feeling, but it's a virtually inevitable one.
13. Readers love pictures, especially if you take them yourself.
    
14. Have fun!  Be silly, be weird, be random.  If you're laughing while you're writing, your readers will laugh while reading it. 
    
15. Keep a separate email account for blog-related email.  This will keep your blog life from leaking into your work life, and vice versa.
16. Think carefully about whether to be anonymous.  It's a hard choice.  I'm still closeted for professional reasons (and deeply ambivalent about it), but plan on coming out in the next couple years.  Once you're "out," you can't go un-ring the bell.  While being up-front about your real identity will increase your credibility (and get you a bigger following, I bet!), it may limit what you feel comfortable writing about. 
    
17. Social media is your friend!  Lots of people have stumbled across BW randomly through Twitter and Facebook.
    
18. Don't write about friends/family who read your blog, unless they've told you it's okay, or you specifically let them know ahead of time.  Some will get pissed off; it's hard to predict who.  Also: use pseudonyms.
    
19. Interact with your readers!  Most of them will be awesome, and eventually you'll probably get more emails than you can handle, but if you see blogging more as a conversation than a mouthpiece, readers will be engaged (and they'll share smart, interesting ideas that will teach you cool things and inspire you to write more!).
20. You're allowed to vary: sometimes you may be funny, sometimes reflective, sometimes informative.  Don't feel like you have to keep up some kind of consistent "persona."
    
21. Don't get too obsessed with your numbers, and certainly don't write in response to them (e.g., "People like posts about fashion so I'd better write about nothing but fashion").
22. Don't apologize if you go a while without blogging.  (Yeah, I broke my own rule recently.  Sue me.)  Just roll with it.
23. Focus on creating good, interesting content.  Rachel Maddow said recently that there are too many great content-container creators and not enough great content creators.  Be one of the great ones, and strive to get better.  I'm talking about technical stuff (for grammar tips, there's no better source than Strunk and White) and non-technical stuff.  Think of the bloggers you admire most.  Why do you like their posts?  Strive to embody the qualities you admire.
24. Good writing takes way more time than you think it will.
    
25. Understand that you have something to say.  If you're thinking about blogging, it's because you want to tell something to the masses.  Don't second-guess yourself.  Everyone's an expert on his or her own corner of the world.  A blog is an awesome way to share your point of view!
    

I'm sure other bloggers feel differently about lots of this stuff, and I hope they'll weigh in with other thoughts they have.

What about you, dear readers?  What are your favorite qualities in a blog?

A few of you have asked what I was going to write about Edie Windsor, so I thought I'd go ahead and post what I wrote, even though it's kind of incomplete.

The day before the Supreme Court arguments, I dreamed about them.  For some reason, they were taking place in a high school gymnasium.  And one of my biggest heroes (who was involved in the case, but didn't actually argue it) was arguing on behalf of Windsor.  My parents were in the audience for some reason, and so was I, but I didn't seem to have a seat, and kept darting about the folding chairs to get a better view.

If you follow the case at all, you probably know some of the details: Edith Windsor's 40-year relationship with Thea Spyer, her longtime care of Thea after Thea was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and the financial blow dealt to her after Thea died (because their marriage--in NY and Canada--was not recognized by the federal government). 

When I think about how hard it was for me to come out in the 2000s, and how much anti-gay rhetoric I heard as a kid, I'm especially amazed by women like Edie and Thea, who were out and proud when it was much harder to be. 

Regardless of how the case comes down, I'm overwhelmed by my gratitude to Edie Windsor and the many others, young and old, who have been fighting this battle for a long, long time. 

Last week, I posed five writing prompts to BW readers.  (I'm still taking answers, so feel free to send yours in.)  One of those was: "Write a letter from your 2013 self to your 2003 self."  Here are five of my favorites:


Dear kid,

I know you're reading this at age 31 but I know you still feel young and dumb, sometimes.  I want, no, need to let you in on a few choice secrets. First, you have a lot of growing to do. You may feel like you are stagnant and the gears have stopped turning in your identity formation. I'm here, 10 years down the road, to urge you to hang on and keep your mind open. You're in for some heartbreak, which will make you question everything but you'll survive and only get better with age. Also, bear in mind that within the next decade, you'll become so comfortable with the you who you are that you won't give a tinker's damn what other folks think of how you present or label yourself. You'll be a fine person, who has expanded beyond terms like tomboy and lesbian and will embrace new aspects of self like boi, genderqueer and butch while never neglecting what it is to be female.

In short, you will create a pretty balanced synthesis where you can appreciate your masculine and feminine qualities. You don't need to be afraid that you'll be unappreciated or unloved because you rock that short haircut and tie. You won't bow to societal pressures to conform, get married, wear attire that doesn't mesh with who you are, etc. You'll be a work in progress, even in 2013 but you will be a happy butch, who exudes confidence and class... and you will not be alone.

Cheers,
Derrick


Dear Self from 2003,

Do yourself a favor and come out of the closet now. You know you're gay and so do your friends. I know you're scared that your family won't be fine with it but they will be as long as you are happy. Also never leave any of your girlfriends for someone else. It's lame and will rob you of true happiness. Keep trying to lose weight... it definitely pays off. Never give up!!! Life out if the closet is so much better than the life you have now.

With Love,
Me from 2013


The third letter is from Whitney, who chose to send it in in video form.  I totally love this--click here to check it out.


Dear Stevie,

Kiss a girl. One of those long lingering soft kisses that you can feel right down to your toes. When you are done don't feel guilty and don't feel ashamed;  but most of all don't be afraid.

Your life begins here. YOUR LIFE. Not the life you just assumed you should have. The life that you were conditioned to believe was the proper, moral thing for a good girl to do. This kiss will allow you to start really living. 

What you want is important and it matters. You will feel for the first time that you have found what you've been searching for. The thing that lingers just outside of your reach. Finally understand why you have always felt so different from other girls.

Love yourself for who you are. Start to look how you feel inside. Dress how you've always wanted to. Be comfortable in your own skin.  Take advice from Dr. Seuss "Be who you are and say what you mean because those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter."

With this one simple act, do for yourself what years of therapy will not be able to do for you. Understand your relationship with your husband, then let him go. Give yourself the opportunity to experience real romantic love for the first time.

Trust in your family to understand and to be there for you no matter what. Believe that they love you and feel that your happiness is all that matters in the end.

Be brave. Be true to yourself.  I'm not saying it will be easy. The sacrifices will be many. Some of them easy to take, while others will leave you heart broken and change you forever. But I promise you will never regret any of it for a second. The rewards far outweigh the hardships. Everything that you have ever imagined for yourself is what's at stake.

Kiss that girl! Then sit back and enjoy the ride.

Stevie Love



Hi there, Laura.

I know it's a pretty confusing time for you after just breaking up with Jade.  I know you think you're a little bi-girl, but let's be honest; we both know you're gay; don't pretend any more--it will be so much easier. You will meet people in your new secondary school who will find you with other girlfriends, will bully you and you shouldn't let it get to you like it did to me. The bullying got quite bad for me and I let it get to me but ignore them, actually in a few years the main ones have themselves come out.

Don't get all worried you won't suit short hair. It looks awesome on you! In the next few years you'll notice you meet some amazing people, especially in 2012, you will meet an amazing woman who makes you very happy. Don't let her go... ever.

I know you want to be with the guys and you've always acted like one but let's face it, you've always checked out the same girls they have without wanting to admit to yourself.  Rugby is awesome.  Just because you like to wear men's clothes doesn't mean you're weird.  Keep smiling; it does get better. It gets a lot better and you are happy in the future. Life is good when you admit you're into women. Oh... you look damn good in a shirt and tie and don't you ever forget it.

Love,
Your future self.


I'll share some more of my favorite answers from readers to these and other questions in the next couple of weeks.  Readers' answers are making me wonder what I would tell my 10-years-younger self.  Would I tell her not to marry my DXH?  I'm not sure.  It broke my heart and sent me reeling for years...  but on the other hand, I learned a lot from being married to him, and we had some absolutely wonderful times.  In a very real sense, he and I grew up together.  Plus, if I'd come out earlier, would I have ever met my hilarious, gorgeous, terrific DGF?

It's hard for me to think about what I'd want my 10-years-younger self to know.  Even the things I learned the hard way sculpted me into the person I am now...  so maybe that's good.  Or maybe it's just cognitive dissonance.

What do YOU wish you would have known ten years ago?