Today, I'm taking a brief interlude from my coming out story to write a letter to a new object of my affections.

Dear Wool Tie,

I know we just met last week, but I want to tell you how I'm feeling about you.  It was good being around each other all day today, wasn't it?  I mean, your slightly-heavy-but-oh-so-soft fabric just feels right, especially for fall.  Simultaneously intellectual and badass, just like my platonic conception of myself.  See, we complete each other, Wool Tie.  Deep down in your plaid, woolen little heart, you know it. 

People think we look good together, Wool Tie.  They all said so.  You could see it in their eyes, Wool Tie.  They know that you and I are meant to be together.  I might even have some of your friends over.  Wouldn't that be fun, Wool Tie?  You know you'd love it.

The bottom line, Wool Tie, is this: I don't know how my wardrobe and I survived without you, and I hope we'll never have to again.

Fondly,
BW

Hey, I was on the radio yesterday!  Here's a link to the show.

The interview improves as it goes along.  I was slightly shaken by talking about my divorce right at the start, but I told Emily Cherin, who hosts "All Things Gay," as long as my anonymity was maintained, anything was fair game, so good for her for cutting right to the chase!  In any case, it was fabulously fun.   I'm just glad no one's said I have a "great face for radio."

One of the things we talked about was when to deviate from deviance.  (I'm using "deviant" only in the technical sense: different from the norm.)  Many butches deviate from average female gender presentation daily.  But should we ever feel compelled to "femme it up" a little?  Here are some possibilities, along with my recommendations.

Situation: You're going somewhere where appearing butch might open you to the possibility of physical harm. 
Verdict: Femme it up.
Reasoning: For me, safety comes before psychic or physical comfort.  If you think you might be in danger somewhere, dress accordingly.  And don't bind.  Heck, don't even wear a sports bra if you have a choice.  That's a dead giveaway.  (I know butches who pass as male when they travel.  If you want to try that, fine, but this can become very risky if someone figures it out.)

Situation: You're asked to be a bridesmaid at a traditional wedding, and your friend really wants you to wear what the other bridesmaids are wearing.
Verdict: Toss-up.
Reasoning: Maybe if it means more to your friend than anything in the world, it's worth it to suck it up and put on the satin yellow thing she's trying to foist on you.  Then again, if she's truly a friend, wouldn't she understand that you'd be more at home in a tux and nice vest?  Try reasoning with her, offering to wear what the groomsmen are wearing.  If this fails, offer to take another role, like usher.  This is a sticky situation, and ultimately, it's your call.  If you decide to go for it, I recommend surrendering fashion decisions to the other bridesmaids, closing your eyes, and thinking of England.

Situation: You're visiting your grandparents and your parents ask you to not to wear something masculine. 
Verdict: Play nice, but don't femme it up.
Reasoning: Your family loves you no matter what...  but sometimes they need to be nudged into accepting gender nonconformity.  It's amazing what people can get used to (and sometimes we don't give them enough credit).  But if you never push them, they'll never change.  That said, maybe you don't need to wear a tie to Thanksgiving.  How about khakis and a sweater?  You're not compromising your identity, nor will you give Grandma a coronary.

Situation: You're interviewing for a job in a conservative industry.
Verdict: Don't femme it up.
Reasoning: Unless you plan to femme it up every day on the job, don't do it in the interview.  A nice dark suit--men's or women's--is fine.  (I recommend matching the gender of your suit to the gender of your shoes; your look will be more coherent.)  You'll interview better if you're physically comfortable.  My interview go-to outfit is a dark grey men's suit, black Ecco men's shoes, and a lavender or light green men's dress shirt (tie optional).  Would you really want to work for an employer who balks at hiring a butch?

What's the toughest decision YOU'VE ever had to make re: whether to femme it up?  What did you do?

The popularity of women like Rachel Maddow and Ellen Degeneres is a double-edged sword.  On one hand, it’s wonderful to see non-gender-normative women in the mainstream limelight.  But on the other, it may give people (think: your parents; your grandparents) the impression that gender deviance means short hair and a ladies’ pant suit.  “Even Ellen wears make-up,” they might say, as if Ellen occupies the hinterlands of gender presentation.  (The implication being: “So why do YOU have to look like a man?”)  By comparison to the mainstream media’s watered-down version of “butch,” in-the-flesh lesbians can look extreme just by donning a suit vest and a tie--especially if you're the only butch someone knows. 

What do you think, dear BW readers?  Is the popularity of non-completely-gender-conforming women in mainstream media a good thing or a bad thing?  What would you like to see changed in the media's presentation of butch/dyke/boi types?

I'll admit it: personally, I'm tatt-less.  I'm the kind of person who considers a bumper sticker too "permanent."  What if I suddenly *don't* want to save whales or listen to NPR anymore?  What if it turns out that "NPR" also stands for the National Project for Racism?  What if people take it the wrong way? 

Silly, I know.  And yet, my 30-year-old self wouldn't have been thrilled with whatever my 20-year-old self would have inked onto her body, which makes me wonder if my 40-year-old self will someday feel the same way about today's me.  If I *had* to get a tattoo, I'd probably choose a cuff: a row of books like a library shelf, wrapping once around my upper arm.  I'd have my all-time favorite books written in as the titles, leaving plenty blank for future favorites.  (Yes, I am a dork.  Surely, by now, that comes as no surprise.)

In any case, I know that tattoos are often part of the lesbian fashion repertoire--and for good reason!  At best, they can make your body into a sexy canvas.  See exhibit A, sent in by a reader: 

I mean, yowza, right??  They can also just be super artistic.  Here's another one someone sent in--one I thought was particularly cool:

And of course, tattoos also have personal meaning for many of their wearers.  Some of the tatts people sent in included people's names, special symbols, memorials, or spiritual/religious significance.  For example, one reader has this ancient Christian symbol to ward off evil tattooed just southeast of her belly button (and yes, that placement is hot):

So many dozens of butches sent in pictures of their tattoos that rather than choosing among them, I've made a slide show so you can see ALL of them.  Enjoy!

What a cool collection of pictures--thanks for the submissions!

Now, some questions for you:

1. How many tatts do you have?  Why not more?
   
2. Have you ever gotten a tattoo and regretted it (even secretly)?
3. What ONE thing, if you saw it tattooed on someone else, would make you absolutely certain that person was your soulmate?
   

Looking forward to reading your comments.

Ah, summer!  Season of snorkeling, lemonade, and butch anxiety about what to wear to the pool.  If you feel like sporting a regular ol' swimsuit, but want something a little more conservative than the bikinis lining the racks at Macy's, check out Speedos.  They tend to be comfier, sleeker, and provide more coverage than most bathing suits.  They even offer suits that look like conventional swimsuits with bike shorts sewn on. 

But if you're like many butches (including me), something that form-fitting makes you look like this guy, but with bigger breasts and less hair.  If so, your options are less obvious.  A good standby formula for a butch in the water = shorts + boob coverage + shirt.  I'll discuss each component separately, and you can mix and match as you like.  (And of course, you should always wear sunscreen, even if your shoulders are covered.)

COMPONENT #1: SHORTS

Boardshorts are long (at or a little past the knees, usually 21"-22"), lightweight shorts that come in a variety of brands and colors.  Some of my favorites are Hurley's Puerto Rico Board Shorts (pictured at right), Quiksilver's Cypher Alpha Board Shorts (pictured below), and Quiksilver's Slightly Choppy Boardshorts.

You'll find boardshorts in the men's section of department stores, Pacific Sunwear, and online retailers like Zappo's.  Some brands make women's board shorts, but these tend to be far shorter than men's, presumably because it's more important for women to show off their bodies than to reap such trivial benefits as coverage and functionality.

Workout/running shorts can double as swim shorts, and often have more coverage and lining.  My favorite are Brooks men's Infiniti Notch Shorts.  This style has full lining--thin, built-in bike shorts under the regular shorts.  There's no need to wear underwear or a swimsuit under them, and no one underwater gets a glimpse of more butch than they bargained for.  Plenty of other running shorts come with built-in lining, too, though usually it's underwear-style rather than bike-short-style.  Check out your local running store for ideas (Nike, and North Face often have cool styles).

Standard men's swim trunks can also be a good, cheap option, as this post from Butch and Pregnant suggests.  Standard men's trunks are lightweight, dry fast, and have mesh lining.  Note that unlike boardshorts, you shouldn't wear swim trunks to the mall.  Also, make sure to get a pair with a drawstring.  Since most ladies have bigger hips than guys, you may have to buy a baggier size than your waist requires.  A drawstring will ensure that you don't expose yourself to that cute lifeguard you've been eyeing--well, not unless she asks you to...

COMPONENT #2: BOOB COVERAGE

Swimsuit or bikini top: This option is pretty straightforward, right?  Buy a swimsuit or a bikini and, assuming you don't want to wear it on its own, you can use it as the "boob coverage" component of the BW Swimming Formula.

Next option: Sports bra.  Or, to many butches, "bra."  (First, a sidenote: other bloggers, such as A Stranger in this Place and the Sartorial Butch, have written eloquently and humorously about butch bra shopping.  My everyday bra preferences are slightly different from theirs, but I'll save that TMI post for later.)  As you probably know, sports bras by brands such as Nike and Champion come in sizes of the S/M/XL variety.  If these suit you, great!  If they're not perfect you might want to look into bras that come in actual numbered sizes (more on this, too, in a later post).  One great place to buy sports bras is Title Nine, an athletic clothing chain for women with a great selection and a rating system to help you find a sports bra with the amount of support you want.  Moving Comfort is my favorite brand, and I particularly like their Fiona model.

"Tankini" sounds like a cocktail made from vodka, a twist of lime, and a splash of water from the bartender's fish tank.  Basically, these creations are like swimsuits that end at your belly button.  Though I dislike nearly all tankinis (ugh--just typing that word gives me an eye twitch), a few--like this one (pictured at right)--aren't too bad.  And if there's enough coverage built in, you can wear just a tankini and shorts--no other shirt necessary.

COMPONENT #3: SHIRT

A tank top over one of the "boob coverage" options I listed above is a good bet if it's extra hot or you want to look casual.  If you're feeling saucy, go for something with attitude, and/or a little queer pride.  Note that a tank top itself does not constitute "boob coverage."  You may not think your smallish breasts merit coverage, but if you are over the age of 12, I assure you that they do.  Your fellow swimmers should not be able to discern the water temperature by glancing at your chest.

Next, a regular cotton T-shirt is always a decent choice, and I'm guessing your closet is chock full of 'em.  The downsides are that they feel wet and heavy while swimming and take a while to dry (you can pack another one to throw on afterwards).  Also, make sure the shirt is darker than your boob coverage du jour; it's not uber-classy to showcase your sports bra through a wet tee.  Since chlorine and salt water can cause fading, don't wear a favorite to the beach unless you're prepared to relegate it to sleepwear status at the end of the summer.

Now, a story: One day, a tank top and a T-shirt met in a forest.  They decided they loved each other very, very much.  Soon, they made a baby.  That baby's name was muscle shirt.  Muscle shirts offer more coverage than tank tops, on which the arm holes are sometimes too large.  One tip about muscle shirts: in public, don't wear one you "made" by cutting the sleeves off one of your T-shirts.  Such creations are appropriate only in one's own home, while running on secluded trails, and at the home of one's DGF ( with the DGF's consent).  And if you decide to buy a new muscle shirt, why not choose one that shows your butch pride?

Rash guards are cool-looking, sold in lots of different places, and come in hundreds of colors and styles--both men's and women's.   (I was pleased to see that Butch Style and the Sartorial Butch have endorsed rash guards--so you know you'll be in good company!)  Unless the water is especially cold, I recommend a short-sleeved rash guard.  They're made of thicker material than T-shirts--usually lycra, nylon, and/or polyester, kind of like the top half of a wet suit.  A quick Googling suggests that despite the thickness, you should probably wear something underneath, such as a bikini top or a sports bra. 

So, fellow butches, when in doubt about swimwear, remember that shorts + boob coverage + shirt = happy butch.  And trust me on the sunscreen.