The butch bridesmaid post I wrote past week has been getting an ungodly amount of traffic, mostly from Google searches.  It seems that bunches of straight people are unclear on certain matters of etiquette when it comes to The Gays.  This results in much consternation and awkwardness on their part, most of which could be easily avoided.  (Note to straight people: if you're nice and well-meaning and not a homophobe, we probably won't think you're being a jerk.  Trust us--we've encountered jerks, and they're not you.)

Here's my best advice to straight people in various situations that seem to make everyone feel awkward.  Thanks to my excellent BW Facebook fans for lots of these ideas.

Situation A: You know someone's gay and you're curious whether they're dating anyone.  You know them well (maybe they're your kid, maybe your gay brother, lesbian sister, whatever).
What not to do: Say, "Do you have any new friends?"  I hate it when people refer euphemistically to my partner/DGF as my "friend," especially when it's preceded by an awkward hesitation.  Something else not to do: avoid it like the plague.  Act as if conversation about their romantic life is totally off-limits, even though you'd talk about it if they were dating someone of the opposite sex.
What to do instead: Ask the question exactly as you would if they were straight, except switching the pronouns where applicable.  "So, are you dating anyone these days?" is totally acceptable.

Situation B: You don't understand why your lesbian friend/daughter/sister/whatever is wearing men's clothes.
What not to do: Say any of the following: (1) "But you'd look so cute in something pink/frilly/fitted/from the women's department!" (2) "But you have such a great figure!" (3) "But those clothes are so masculine!"
What to do instead: Respect our choices.  We are well aware that we're wearing gender nonconforming clothing.  We're not doing it to hide our figure or because we think we're unattractive or because we want attention or because we don't know how to shop for women's clothing.  We doing it because we are much, much more comfortable this way.  Many of us actually hate standing out, but we wear gender nonconforming clothing anyway because it feels like "us."  Wearing girls' stuff often makes us feel like we're in drag.  It's awful.  If you want to gift us with clothing, please choose something that goes with our style.  If you're confused about our style, inquire further (or do not gift us with clothing).

Situation C: You don't understand how a same-sex relationship works (physically, emotionally, whatever).
What not to do: Ask, "But who's the guy?" or "How do you have sex?"
What to do instead: If you're genuinely curious, there's a plethora of info on the Internet about emotional and physical aspects of LGBT relationships.  Don't put us on the spot with such heteronormative silliness.  JFGI.  Once you've actually made an effort to learn, your questions will be thoughtful and that will be obvious and most of us will be happy to chat about them.

Situation D: You call someone "sir," then you realize the person is female.
What not to do: Freak out.  Or be awkwardly silent, as if it never happened.
What to do instead: Don't freak out.  It's happened to us before, and it will happen again, and when you're butch it comes with the territory.  It's fine to say, "I'm sorry," then move on.  Chances are, we feel more awkward than you do.  (But comping us a drink or a cup of coffee never hurts.)

Situation E: A lesbian couple announces that they're having a baby.
What not to do: Ask, "Where did you get the sperm?" or other details of how the pregnancy came about.  That's on par with asking a straight couple, "Was it an accident?"  Unless they offer it or you're really freakin' good friends, keep your curiosity to yourself.
What to do instead: Say, "congratulations!"  Express joy.  Attend the shower.  Ask if they have a name picked out.  The usual stuff.

Situation F: Two women are out to dinner.  At least one of them looks like a lesbian.  They're not holding hands or anything, though.
What not to do: Assume that they are on a date.
What to do instead: Make no assumptions.  If they indicate they're together or hold hands or something, great--then treat them just like you'd treat a straight couple.  But I hate it when I hang out with a female friend and people think we're together just because I look butch.

Situation G: A gay person of your sex compliments what you're wearing.
What not to do: Assume they're hitting on you.  Become uncomfortable.  Make sure to work in a reference to your own sexual orientation immediately, just to clear up any confusion.
What to do instead: Say thanks. 

Situation H: You know someone's gay because a mutual friend or co-worker told you.  But then the person himself or herself tells you they're gay.
What not to do: Feign surprise so the person doesn't think they're the subject of gossip.  Or worse, say something like, "You don't look gay."
What to do instead: Nod politely or say (calmly) something like, "Cool."  Ask about the person's significant other like you'd do if they were straight.

Bonus tips:

• Don't refer to our boyfriend or girlfriend as our friend.  Don't say (of other gay people), "I think she lives with a friend."  Unless, of course, she really does live with someone who is just a friend, and not a romantic partner.
• If you think someone might be in the wrong bathroom, don't confidently inform them that they're in the wrong bathroom.  Instead, you have two options: (1) Say nothing.  (Of course, if you think it's a guy and it's a safety issue, don't go with this option.)  (2) Say something like, "Hi there," or, "Isn't this restaurant great?" or, "Do you know where the paper towels are?" to get the person to respond.  If it's a guy, he'll realize you're not a guy and that he's in the wrong bathroom.  If it's a woman/genderqueer person/other person who is using the correct restroom, they'll respond politely and you can go about your business.
• Some of us always knew we were gay.  Others of us didn't.  No need to do a triple-take when I talk about my ex-husband. 
  
• Don't talk about equal rights as if they're an inevitability and we just have to "wait" or "be patient."  In most states, we can legally be fired for being gay.  We can't claim our partners on our taxes.  We face huge obstacles to things like adopting kids, making a will, or visiting our partners in the hospital.  It's absurd and unjust.  In many places, we can get harassed--or worse--for being us.  If your rights were stripped away, I bet it wouldn't be much comfort to know that things would get better in a generation or two.  Don't just excuse our rage; join us in it.
• It's okay to invite us to a party, dinner out, whatever, even if we'll be the only gay couple there.  As long as everyone's nice and doesn't have antiquated notions about sex and gender, it'll all be copacetic.
• You don't need to tell me that your uncle/friend/cousin/niece/neighbor is gay.  It's 2012, so the fact that you know other gay people isn't a big shocker.  Nor does it make me feel more comfortable.  You can convince me you're an ally just by being your awesome, well-intentioned self and following the advice above.  :)
  

Hope this helps.  Straight readers: any other awkward situations you encounter with gay people and don't know how to deal with?  Queer readers: any other situations that tend to come up in your lives?

Holy matrimony, Batman!  Lately I've gotten lots of questions from brides in heterosexual weddings asking what to do with a butch lesbian bridesmaid, since many of us would rather pierce our own eyeballs with blunt toothpicks than wear a fetching dress of sea foam green chiffon.  Here are some FAQs for traditional or semi-traditional brides-to-be:

Q: Should I make my butch lesbian friend wear a dress if she's my bridesmaid?  
A: No, no, no.  Give her that option if you want, but don't expect her to take it.  You asked a butch dyke to be your bridesmaid, and you should respect who she is.  If you had a male best friend and wanted him to be a bridesmaid, would you make him wear a dress?  Of course not.  Years later, I remain grateful to my friends E&R for inviting me to wear a suit and tie as a bridesmaid at their wedding.  

Q: Should I wait till she asks me what she should wear, or until she asks if she has to wear a dress?
A: No.  I can guarantee you that if you've already asked her to stand by your side, but haven't told her what to wear, the poor dyke is sweating bullets in fear that she will be forced to choose between: (1) wearing a dress and feeling horribly uncomfortable; (2) pissing you off.  Let her off the hook ASAP (and ideally as soon as you ask her to be a bridesmaid) by telling her that you won't make her wear anything that will make her uncomfortable.

Q: But my Aunt Mildred is a devout Christian and will freak out about a woman in guys' clothes!
A: Having your butch friend wear a tie doesn't mean you're disrespecting A.M.'s religion.  Explain to your aunt that you allowed your friends to wear what they're most comfortable in, and that this will help everyone enjoy your wedding.  If necessary, remind her that Jesus loves everyone, no matter what they wear.  Or: don't tell her in advance at all.  People are usually on their best behavior at weddings, even if they're surprised by something.

Q: But if my friend doesn't wear a dress, the wedding parties won't be perfectly symmetrical!
A: Oh no!  They won't be symmetrical?  Holy crap--why not call the whole wedding off?  Come on: When you look back at your wedding photos in 10 or 20 years, you'll think fondly of how much fun everyone had, not admire how well everyone matched.  When I married my DXH, I had one of my best friends be the "usher" instead of a bridesmaid simply because he's a guy and I thought I was supposed to have the "sides" look the same.  What a stupid choice!  What matters is that your closest friends are by your side on your big day.  Oh: and that the wedding cake doesn't suck.  And that the photographer isn't wasted.  And that the music is good.  (See how many more interesting things there are to worry about?)

Q: Okay, so what should I have my butch bridesmaid wear?
A: [Rubbing hands together] Here's the fun part!  You've got a ton of options.  I'll throw out a few, but be aware that the possibilities are practically endless:

1. Whatever the groomsmen are wearing.
2. Pants the same color as whatever the groomsmen are wearing, with a shirt the color of the bridesmaids' dresses.
3. A plain suit (men's or women's, her choice) with a plain white shirt or light grey shirt and a tie that you (or you and she) pick out to match the bridesmaids' dresses.
4. The same thing the groomsmen are wearing, except with a suit vest instead of a jacket.
5. Any configuration of the possibilities listed above.
   

Email me if you want some more detailed tips.  I could even be persuaded to do a little fashion consulting on the side!

Q: How do I treat my butch bridesmaid's girlfriend?  Does she sit with the wedding party?
A: Do whatever you're doing with your other bridesmaids' significant others.  Which I hope is seating them with the wedding party, but if there's not room, people will understand--you just need to treat everyone the same.

Q: If I'm giving all my bridesmaids the traditional gift you give people in your wedding party...  what do I give the butch one?
A: If it's a "girly" gift that she'll hate, get her something else.  (What is your hubby-to-be getting his groomsmen?  That's one option.)  Other ideas: a pocket knife (I'd suggest either a cool folding knife like this one or a multitool type like this one) , a Bespoke box of awesome, or a set of cuff links (I love these, these, these, these, and these).  

Q: What about the bachelorette party and stuff?  Will she feel totally comfortable there?
A: This is a hard one, because she might not, especially if she doesn't know all the other bridesmaids.  But you should still invite her.  If you want to do girly things, emphasize that you'd love to have her there and give her options that might make her comfortable.  For example, if you're all going for manicures, tell her she's welcome to get a men's pedicure or a foot massage instead.  Or, say she can come be the official photographer whenever she doesn't feel like participating (butches love having duties).  If she expresses discomfort about parts of it, tell her to come to whatever parts she wants to.  And no, you aren't obligated to invite her girlfriend to the bachelorette party. 

See?  With a few small tweaks, you too can have an awesome butch bridesmaid who's stoked about her duties.

How about you butches out there who have been bridesmaids at het weddings?  Any tips?  Happy anecdotes?  Horror stories?

Hiya friends: I know a lot of you are headed to Pride in the next few weeks.  If you've been to a few Prides before, you know that there are certain things you'll see over and over...  chaps, free condoms, exes... 

With this in mind I re-tooled a classic game for your enjoyment at Pride.  Gay Pride Bingo!  First one to get five in a row in any direction wins.  I made two game cards, so you can play with a friend:

If you actually want to *play* Gay Pride Bingo, here are printable black-and-white versions of the game cards: Card #1; Card #2.  I'll give out multiple PRIZES (one each month) to someone who sends me photographic evidence of a Gay Pride Bingo win (i.e. all five squares in a row).

Does anything on these cards sound familiar to you?  Is there anything else you feel like you always see at Pride?