When I started this blog, I swore that I was never going to apologize for not posting frequently enough.  I'll just post whenever I want, I thought.  It's not like I'm going to feel guilty if I don't.

Well, I'm going to go back on my word: sorry it's been so long since I posted!  A few things have happened in the last month-ish of time that have taken me away from blogging.  Want to know what they are?

• Someone I respect immensely recommended a job to me that I wouldn't have considered on my own.  Now I've applied and have that kind of excitement that buzzes around in your head and throat and prevents you from doing anything useful.  I'm not sure if I'm more scared that I won't get the job, or that I will.  Either way, it's shaken things up in a way that is not at all unpleasant.
• I am taking two classes, just for fun.  Haven't done this in a while.  Readings!  Homework!  Papers!  It's madness, I tell you!
• My DGF and I turned some kind of indefinable "corner" and I feel closer to her than ever. 
  
• I broke my foot and it has to be in an "air cast" for two more weeks.  Then I get another x-ray.  And only then am I allowed to even think about getting back to hiking.  Gah!
  
• My DXH and his DGF are engaged!  Whoa!  I am immensely happy for both of them and excited because they are totally happy and make a phenomenal couple.  (Actually, they got engaged more than a month ago, but they sent me their wedding website the other day, and that was when I realized: OMG.  They're getting married!)
• I met Butch on Tap when she took a work-related trip to my neck of the woods.  It was fun!  We agreed that we are officially friends, and I'm hoping we'll collaborate on some stuff in the future.  Stay tuned...
• I thought lot about the gay marriage arguments, listened to the oral argument in Windsor, and started to write a couple of different pieces about it, none of which came to fruition because they all devolved into rambling about how much I admire people like Edie Windsor, and how grateful I am to the LGBTQ folks who paved the way for us.

So there it is, dear readers; you're totally caught up on my life.

Now stay tuned for our regularly scheduled programming...

You've probably heard of the "half your age plus seven" rule of age differences in dating.  The idea is that you divide your age by two, then add seven; that's the youngest person you're "allowed" to date.  It's silly, but functions as a supposed "guide" to "acceptable" age differences.

Tons of people reach Butch Wonders by searching for things like "lesbian age differences," "age difference formula gay," and "what's the rule for gay age differences?"  I can yammer on for days about how it's silly to have a "formula," how all relationships are unique, and yada yada yada.  But at the end of the day, people want an easy answer.

So here's your easy answer.  In the gay community, we get a bit more leeway.  The acceptable age difference for us is wider than it is for straight people, and the difference grows as we age.

The age difference formula for same-sex relationships is graphed below.  We are in blue; opposite-sex relationships are in red.  (I know this doesn't take into account bi-gendered people and many other shades of queer, but that involved parabolas and was just too complicated.)  The formula is one-third your age plus ten years.

This took extremely difficult, comprehensive, and painstaking research on my part--not to mention, many sleepless nights.  Now let's practice. 

If you're straight and 30, you can date a 22-year-old.  If you're gay and 30, a 20-year-old.  48 and straight?  A 31-year-old.  But 48 and gay?  a 26-year-old.  Ka-bam!  You've got it!

So, now you know.  There's your formula.  One-third your age plus 10.  If you deviate from it simply to make yourself "happy," or because you've "fallen in love" or whatever, know that you're contravening science itself.

I was searching for a computer cord earlier today and came across this little device, which changes "male" plugs into "female" and vice versa.  No idea why they call it a "gender changer" rather than a "sex changer."  Clearly, no sociologists were consulted.

If you were gifted with a gender changer for people, would you use it?  On yourself or others?  How often?  What exactly would it do? 

Last March, I wrote a three-part Field Guide to Butches, which you can check out here if you missed it: Part I, Part II, Part III.  I decided it was time to make some additions:

The Butch Class Clown
Example: Jane Lynch
Pros: Hilarious, great with your friends, quick to reconcile after arguments.
Cons: Sleeps in late; may be slightly self-centered; financial stability varies.
Looks Especially Good: Smiling, which is nearly all the time.  (Seriously, check out the pic--is there anything in the world cuter than Jane Lynch with a puppy?)
Care Instructions: If you don't understand her sense of humor, the relationship is doomed.  May need occasional assistance juggling projects and managing household tasks, but a quick learner.  Ego more fragile than first appears.

The Oblivious Butch (not pictured)
Pros: Unconcerned with her identity (and possibly yours), has no interest in discussing related topics, even though everyone else considers her butch.
Cons: See "pros."
Looks Especially Good: If you can wrangle her into slacks and a tie.
Care Instructions: Unusually low-maintenance.  Fashion sense may vary, so be vigilant.  May grow bored in conversations about LGBTQI-related topics.  Probably does not know what the "I" stands for and doesn't particularly care.

Chef Butch
Example: Michelle Ragussis
Pros: Excellent hair, great tattoos, creative, spunky.
Cons: Works long hours, may not want to cook at home (check on this factor before committing).
Looks Especially Good: Sampling your sauces.
Care Instructions: Whether she's a line cook or the head of her own restaurant, Chef Butch is committed to her trade and will expect your support.  Works crazy hours.  Ensure that she doesn’t just cook veggies; she also eats them occasionally.  Low-maintenance with little need of wardrobe assistance.

Barista Butch (not pictured)
Pros: Can make a mean latte, has great fashion sense; creative.
Cons: Moodiness; varied reliability; easily bored.
Looks Especially Good: Steaming up your foam.
Care Instructions: Hard to engage in casual conversation, the barista butch is every bit as creative and mysterious as she first appears.  Many in the species hold a PhD in the humanities or social sciences and may be starved for intellectual discussion; provide literary or other conversation as needed.

Professor Butch
Example: Jack Halberstam
Pros: Smart, well-read, patient and attentive (if occasionally forgetful), finds most things interesting.
Cons: Her hotness makes it hard to pay attention in lecture; everyone in the class has a crush on her (straight women, too); may use words like "hegemonic" in casual conversation.
Looks Especially Good: On her couch during office hours.
Care Instructions: Requires steady diet of books and caffeine (switch diet to baked goods following paper rejections).  If weather is temperate, set outside at least 20 minutes daily to infuse with Vitamin D.

The Sports Fan Butch (not pictured)
Pros and Cons: This type doesn't occur in isolation, but co-occurs with any other kind of butch, and may emerge only on weekends.  Identify one or more other species and refer to those pros and cons as applicable.
Looks Especially Good: Wearing a jersey...  Just a jersey.
Care Instructions: Follow her instructions while her favorite team is playing.  She may believe that she can somehow affect a team's performance through elaborate rituals such as wearing "lucky" clothing  Play along.  Do not block the television.  Though she may appear inflexible, the Sports Fan Butch is an excellent bargaining target and will agree to anything in order to watch her game uninterrupted.  (Q: "Honey, when the game's over, will you take out the trash, then take me to a movie?"  A: "Uh-huh, whatever.") 

Nurse/Doctor Butch
Example: Edie Falco as Nurse Jackie (Yeah, she's straight, but she’s totally butch.  Plus, we all know she'd go lesbo for Dr. O'Hara).
Pros: Straightforward, decisive, quick-witted, employable.
Cons: Unapologetic, reluctant to express emotion, works long hours.
Looks Especially Good: In scrubs, barking out orders.
Care Instructions: Will be exhausted after 20-hour shifts; don’t expect her to engage in conversation.  Instead, give her a shoulder massage and send her to bed.  Plan fun for days off.  Be firm; she may try to boss you around.

Whew, January flew by and I left the house perhaps 8-9 times, max (that includes 2 doctor visits!).  But I'm proud to announce that I feel much better.  Public Service Announcement: Get your vaccinations, people!

Anyway, January gifted us with another month of delightful and unlikely searches that got people to Butch Wonders.  Some of my favorites:

• "gays don't get it"  (I know, right?  That's what I'm saying.  What's up with those gays??)
  
• "what can i use instead of hair gel that won't make my hair shiny"  (Corn starch.  Sand.  Lava rock.  Cooked spaghetti.)
  
• "butch menstrual products"  (A tampon with a chain!  A pantyliner that has one side made of sandpaper!  A "survival" pad that's inflatable and doubles as a life raft!)
  
• "big breasts and bicycle"  (Really, what more do you need?)
  
• "a woman compliments on my boots is she lesbian"  (Yeah, she's got to be.  I mean, what straight person even wears footwear these days?  It just seems like a gay thing.)
  
• "22gay boys"  (Sittin’ in a tree!  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!)
• how to deal with awkwardly gay people"  (How is one "awkwardly gay?"  Like you just say GAY THINGS at random during formal dinners?)
  
• "butches and more butches and even more interesting butches"  (Yay!  We've found paradise at last!)
  
• "www.m a 18 yrs boy how should i play wid my gf body part i love 2 play tips.com"  (I swear that this was a real search.)
  
• www.bielu saxye hie saxye all video.com  (This, too.  Who are these people?  What do they want?)
  
• leopards guy panties  (Leopards do not wear "panties."  They are far too butch for that.)
• "what is too big an age gap for a relationship"  (305 years would definitely be too big.  One of the people would be dead.  So that would be stupid.)
• "is 3 years a big age difference"  (Yes, if you are a caterpillar).
  
• "do you know any gay people"  (GROSS--no!)
  
• "dhamster nipplepircing on girles"  (No.  Just no.)
  
• "what not to say to gay people"  (Here are some ideas: "Gay people suck."  "Your house is on fire."  "I ran over your dog and slept with your partner.")
• "many toy department are segregated" (I know!  As you already know if you follow me on Twitter, I saw this sign at my local drug store recently.  How screwed up is this?  I don't think boxes even use toys that much.  It just seems stupid to segregate boxes from people:) 
  

• "Butchy yes or no"  (Yes.)
  

• "butch gender restaurant fries waiter"  (Fries are my gender.)
  
• "butch and femme partners make no sense"  (Neither does trying to comprehend attraction by googling this, but here you are.)
  
• "???? ???"  (!!!! !!!)
  
• "??? ?????"  (!!! !!!!!)
  
• "22gay guys" (Sittin' in a tree!  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!)
• "+how often does it happen that a butch lesbian has a baby for her partner" (NEVER, I hope.  Her partner needs to be at least 18.)
• "amount of butch"  (36-43 grams)
• "i have no butchness left"  (This can be a problem.  Sometimes the butchness can leak right out of you if you don't get regular checkups.  Spend an hour in Macy's Men's, re-read Stone Butch Blues, and complete two repairs that require your toolbox.  You'll be good as new.)
  
• "how to make half butch muffins"  (Add 1 pinch navy blue pantsuit, 1 dollop short hair ["feathered"], 2 tbsp Chapstick, an REI gift certificate, and an androgynous shoe.  Bake until butch is "soft."  Garnish with 2 small silver earrings.)
  
• "grandma leopard outfit"  (Boom.)
  
• "girls tie guys up and put makeup on them"  (Straight people are so weird.  Are we SURE their marriages should be legal?!)
• "straight people are so cute"  (Yeah, when they're not engaging in their weird, freaky sexual practices.)
  
• "Generally how do butches react n behave"  (Generally, we are perfection incarnate.  [Results may vary.])
  
• "gay people make me awkward"  (I am not sure it's the gay people who are doing the heavy lifting in that regard.)
  
• "gay men in wool sweaters having sex"  (This wins the specific-fetish-of-the-month award.)
  
• "decent beach party costumes"  (I like that this person isn't aiming particularly high.)
  
• "how women wear a tie casually"  (This strikes me as quite casual.)
  
• "Football called me a dyke"  (Awww, your very own Wilson!  But if you're stranded on an island, how do you have Internet access??)
  
• "gay people are jerks"  (And you, ma'am, are a poopy head.)
  
• "do i know any gay people"  (If you don’t, it means YOU’RE the gay one.  You're gay!!  Nyah Nyah Nyah!!)
  
• "do butch women open doors"  (Yes, quite often--particularly if we need to get into a building.)
• "butch lesbian jury duty"  (Waaait...  We don't get to marry, but we have to serve jury duty?!  Folks, maybe we've been taking the wrong tack.  Maybe we should ask for fewer rights and try to eliminate the whole "jury duty" thing.  Like a special snow day for gay people.)
  
• "dating a women who has a ex"  (Most women have a ex, my friend.  Some have an multiple exes.)
• "creative ways to hang my ties"  (On a wall!  On a tree!  On some dogs!  On a yourself while you're wearing a polo shirt!)
  
• "cousin ultis"  (Ah, Cousin Ultis.  If only he'd been a little faster.  Or the mountain lion had been a little slower.  Or if he hadn't taunted the mountain lion with roast beef and kissing noises.)
  
• "Nice effort, very informative, this will help me to complete my task"  (If your task is to sound like a robot, you have already completed it!)
  
• "can there be an age gap between lesbians"  (No.  All lesbians have to be exactly the same age as each other.)
  
• "my age is is 15 but we says it 14 why?"  (We lies.)
• "do you think we should piss on the floor in case there are no gay people around?"  (If you think peeing on the floor is going to remedy your potential-lack-of-gay-people problem, you've been misinformed.)
• "butch up your tattoo"  (This seems like a good idea, so I came up with two examples:)
  

First, suppose you have a simple heart tattoo.

I mean, whatever.  It's fine, if not exactly butch.  But with a few simple edits at your local tattoo parlor, you can make a statement about your identity:

Easy, right?

Okay, let's take another example.  Suppose that in a bout of drunken and/or misdirected whimsy, you decided to get the following tattoo of a flower:

But now you've decided that the flower conflicts with your uber-butch identity.  You need something tougher...  what can you do??

Never fear!  With a little creativity, you can butch up your tattoo in no time:

Whoa!  Now your flower's the propeller of a plane!  And it's shooting people!  Grrrrr!  War plane! 

...That's it!  Hope you're having a great weekend.  Enjoy the Superbowl, if that's your thing; if not, enjoy having the streets to yourself tomorrow. 

BTW, if you want to get one of my rad shirts (not a bad V-Day gift, if I do say so myself), you can get 30% off with the code "WELUVYOUSALE").