_Rachel Maddow and her partner, Susan Mikula (both pictured left) are 15 years apart.  So are Ellen and Portia.  My DGF and I also have an age gap of over a decade.  While May-December (or even May-October) romances can present occasional challenges, they can also be awesome. 

How big of an age difference is too big?

The unofficial formula is the "half your age plus seven" rule.  So if you're 30, the rule goes, the youngest person you should date is 22 (since 30/2 = 15, and 15+7 = 22).  When you're 44, the cutoff would be 29.  At 58, it would be 36, and so on.  And while this is a silly formula, it reveals an interesting truth: the older you get, the less age differences matter.  An 18-year-old and a 32-year-old are 14 years apart, but these 14 years encompass a huge gap in experiences.  Take those same 14 years, 30 years later, and you've got a 48-year-old and a 62-year-old.  Sure, there are still some differences, but the gap has definitely shrunk.

Age gaps tend to be more accepted in the queer community than they are in general.  Maybe this is because we're already doing something that differs from the norm, so an age difference on top of it is just icing on the deviance cake.  Or maybe it has to do with the gendered tendency in age differences among heterosexual couples.  Demi and Ashton notwithstanding, the "older man, younger woman" scenario is much more common than the reverse.  This pattern tends to reinforce gender inequalities and stereotypes in a way that queer relationships can't.  Or maybe it has something to do with child-rearing.  On average, fewer queers (especially gay men) have kids, so maybe people care less about age gaps when no little kidlets are involved.

As far as I'm concerned, barring illegality, there's no such thing as an age difference being "too big" unless it presents problems for the couple.  The bigger the differences, the more potential problems.  But the key word is potential.  Particular problems may or may not materialize for any given couple.  Here are a few of the most common ones:

• Differences in energy levels.  If one partner wants to climb mountains and the other can barely climb stairs, this may be an Issue.  Of course, age doesn't necessarily dictate energy levels.  My mom told me recently about her 70-something friend who was complaining one day about being sore.  My mom thought, "Oh, that poor thing...  the aches and pains of getting old."  But then the woman continued, "I really need to avoid doing my five-mile hikes on consecutive days"(!).
  
• Health problems.  The older you get, the more likely you are to have health problems.  This is a generality, but on average, it's true.  If you end up with someone much older than you are, chances are that your partner will face a serious health concern before you do.  This worry may or may not be a deal breaker.  My DGF asked me once, "Are you going to want to change my diapers in 30 years?"  My answer: "If we've been together for 30 years, of course I'll change your diapers."
  
• Cultural differences.  Maybe you grew up on "Barney," but she remembers "Captain Kangaroo."  Maybe you slow-danced to Color Me Badd in sixth grade, while she danced to it at her first marriage.  These kinds of cultural differences can be funny, bizarre, or depressing--it all depends how you interpret them.  Personally, I love that my DGF and I were raised in different decades.  It gives us even more to learn from each other.  Sounds trite, but it's true.
  
• Life Stages.  Like differences in health, life stages are correlated with age.  (But "are correlated" doesn't mean "correspond perfectly.")  If one of you is hitting your stride in your career and the other is just starting grad school, it may take a little extra effort to appreciate where your sweetheart's at.
  

Bottom line: Age is not "all in your head"--but what you make of it is.  It's a factor that may or may not have important implications.  Like differences of religion, social class, or cultural background, it's worth taking seriously to help you understand and strengthen your relationship.

Six Relationship Tips for Couples with Age Differences:

1. Hang out with other couples that are both your ages.  If one of you is 31 and the other is 49, make sure to spend time with couples in their early thirties and in their mid-to-late forties.  This way, neither of you will feel habitually left out because of age, and you might also gain some additional perspective about your partner by seeing where her peers are at, what interests them, etc.  (You might also try hanging out with people whose ages or lifestyles are very different from both of yours--it will underscore how much you have in common!)
   
2. Don't cast your own age as superior.  If you're the older partner, a "been there, done that" attitude toward your partner's experiences is not useful.  Maybe you have extra insight, but that doesn't mean you know everything there is to know about your partner's situation.  Similarly, if you're the younger partner, don't assume you're inherently cooler or more savvy.  Treat each other as equals.  Your own experience is not better or more valid simply because it happened more recently (or longer ago).  And relatedly:
   
3. Embrace your different experiences.  Talk about each others' childhoods, music preferences, school experiences, etc.  You have a lot to learn from each other.  Be open to each others' cultural preferences.  Maybe this means you take turns deciding what movie to watch or what music to listen to.  Try to understand and appreciate your partner's aesthetic sensibilities, even if you don't always share them.
4. Talk about your goals.  This is good advice for all couples, but it's especially important for May-December (or even July-October) pairs.  Do you want to have kids?  Buy a house?  Retire?  Travel?  Make sure your partner knows what's important to you, and where you see yourself in one year, or five, or ten.  Just because someone is 39 doesn't mean her biological clock is ticking, and just because someone is 22 doesn't mean she wants to go clubbing.  Make sure your ideas about your partner's goals and desires don't rest on assumptions.
   
5. Listen to everyone else, then ignore them.  Your daughter may be uncomfortable that you're dating someone her age.  Your friends may not see why you'd be with a woman who hasn't gone dancing since Tribe 8 was hot.  They may openly question your motives, or your partner's motives, or your sanity.  Listen to their concerns, answer their questions, and completely disregard their judgments.  Only you know what makes you happy.  
6. Don't hide your partner away.  To avoid people's judgments and criticism, it may be tempting not to socialize with your partner as much as you might if you were the same age.  Early in the relationship, fine: you want to make sure it's working for you.  But once you see that it is, don't hesitate to show your partner around town and introduce her to your friends and family.  If she makes you happy, the people who really care about you will eventually recognize this, and will get to know your partner for who she is.
   

Your turn, readers: have you ever been in a relationship with an age difference?  Did the age gap bring any special perks or challenges?  What do you think about big age differences in relationships?

_This is the third of a three-part series of posts about butch-butch relationships.  These posts are based on my own experiences, as well as those of about 15 butches I interviewed who are, or have dated, other butches.  You can read parts one and two of this series here and here.


Toughness and Vulnerability

Several members of butch-butch couples said one aspect of their relationship they particularly loved was the mixture of toughness and vulnerability in their partner.  K was particularly eloquent on this point: "We don't usually think of butch women as being... vulnerable, do we? After all, if butch means masculine, and if boys are encouraged to be tough, then doesn't it follow that a butch lesbian should have a thick skin, and brush off all the hurts... collecting broken hearts and belt notches, and racking up a lifetime of hard knocks?  ...[T]he best thing about being with her [is that s]he makes herself vulnerable to me."

Butch-butch couples loved that their relationships allowed them not only to exhibit their own toughness, but to take refuge in their partner's toughness.  Z told me, "The best thing is that we are both very strong, in ways that compliment the other's weaknesses."  And Jennie wrote, "I can be strong and tough for [Lisa], be her butch. But I can also use her toughness and let her be my butch when I need it."  Indeed, as one astute femme Facebook buddy pointed out, the qualities that butches seem to appreciate in other butches aren't too different from those that femmes seem to appreciate in butches. 

Occasionally, some butches in butch-butch couples feel like their "masculinity" or "butchness" is threatened by being with another butch.  For example, one anonymous respondent feels a little uneasy when her partner wears a tie: "Then will they think I'm the femme?" she asks.  K.D. explains that she and her partner, Becca, sometimes "have butch-offs: 'Sweetie, let me carry that,' 'I'll get the door,' etc.  Sometimes I just want to be the sweetheart that helps the other person, comforts the other person, demonstrates chivalry etc. and when Becca wants to be that part of the relationship it can be interesting to navigate."  Donnie added that butches are a stubborn breed, and that neither partner likes to be the one to give in!

A few butches offered suggestions for making each other feel butch.  Jennie said that since she and Lisa "fight over some 'butch' duties," they needed "to buy 2 shovels, 2 chainsaws, etc."  Lisa added, "We need to buy a second snow shovel, cuz I am NOT watching her have all the fun!"  KT said that it's important to reinforce each others' butchness, since for both her and her partner, being a masculine or androgynous woman was an important part of their identity.  Z admitted to a little concern that her partner might one day leave her for a femme, since K has dated femmes before.  And alas, I can personally confess to having a similar pang of worry now and then.  It's not only important for butch-butch couples to respect each others' butchness, but to be very explicit about valuing this in each other. 


What Butch-Butch Couples Share

Navigating the world as a masculine-of-center woman can be tough, and several respondents mentioned that it's nice to have someone who understands those experiences first-hand.  AJ said that being in a relationship with another butch gives her 'permission' to be herself: "I'm allowed to be me.  There is no expectation for me to change myself or be more 'feminine' because I am female.  We are best friends and lovers.  She just gets me."  Becca wrote, "I truly appreciate that the other person knows where I'm coming from and understands what it's like to move around in the world as a butch."  Jess said, "The best thing is just having someone you can relate to." 

_Butch-butch sharing extends to more practical arenas as well.  Becca noted that she loves being able to share ties, and Jess wrote, "You can share - hair gel, clothes and shoes, toys. You have someone you can talk to about anything - getting called sir, woman staring at you in the ladies bathroom, packing or not packing, cargo shorts vs. cargo pants."  Several butches also mentioned that butch lovers are quicker in the bathroom: "Chopper doesn't take long to get dressed," Z said.  "[S]he is rough around the edges like me.  We don't really worry too much about whether our socks match or if we have some dog hair on us."  AJ said, "[I]t is quick to go out because I don't have to wait for her to do her hair, makeup, nails and stuff."

Nearly every respondent said the best part of being in a relationship with another butch is that they are simply very attracted to other butches.  Some of them are attracted exclusively to other butches, and others have no generalizable preference or pattern.  Either way, being in a relationship with someone to whom you are physically attracted is, well, hot.  Butch-loving-butches are no more in charge of their own chemical attractions than femme-loving butches, butch-loving femmes, or anyone else.  This is one of the many reasons it made me sad that a few people wrote, in response to my previous posts, that butch-butch relationships are "gross" or "a waste."  When two consenting adults are in love with each other, a "waste" is about the last thing I'd call it.


Butch in the Bedroom: Just Us and Our Socks

A few bashful butches didn't respond to this question at all.  But I'll let those who did tell you in their own words what it's like for two butches in bed:

Stacy: "Butch/Femme is something very different than Top/Bottom, but people assume it's the same.  I have had very different roles in each of my relationships in that area.  If you have enough trust with someone, you have enough freedom to explore all sides of yourself and your partner.  I believe everyone has their butch side, their femme side, their top side and their bottom side.  The fascinating thing is to see how yours pairs up in each relationship."
 
O: "Things are very hot in the bedroom. We are both takers and givers so it usually works out very nice. The only thing is sometimes we fight over who tops."

eL: "It is amazing.  I don't want to kiss and tell... but it was magical."

Donnie: "I think it's amazing! It's a true give and take of feelings, emotions, and love on an equal level."

Anon: "Really hot!  This might be because I'm really only attracted to other butches, and it's fun to have sex with people to whom you're attracted.  But yeah, it's great.  Sometimes there's a little argument over who tops, though, since we both love topping."

Becca: "I think it depends on the butches. :D  I appreciate that everyone expresses their sexuality differently, and I'm grateful that my current partner and I are very compatible and satisfied in that area."

Lisa: "Completely open and free. I don't have to always butch-up, and I don't have to always be the 'girl.'  We can wrestle, we can fight for who has top tonight, or we can take turns, or we can snuggle and cuddle."

LG: "Same as any other relationship."

K.D: "AMAZING!!! Luckily we are not the stereotypical stone butches (I do not feel like many are.) We get to enjoy each others bodies the way that they are with little to no question about it."

Tammi: "I don't know what it's like for 'just any' two butches in bed…  It strikes me as a creative wellspring of opportunities, and each time leaves me wowed and full of ideas for the next time."

Anon: "There's no hairspray on the pillowcases, or heavy perfume, or itchy lace underthings. Just us, and our socks."


There you have it, dear readers--everything you wanted to know about butch-butch couples, and more!  A huge thank you to the wonderful butches who let me interview them: AJ and Jo, K (aka Chopper) and Z (aka Zed), eL, LG and KT, Donnie, Becca and K.D., Jess and Beth, O, Stacy, Chelsie, Lisa and Jennie, and a handful of others who preferred to remain anonymous.

When I posted my last entry, I worried that it might be behind the times.  Especially considering the number of queers who identify as neither butch nor femme (and those who eschew labels altogether), I was uncertain whether the post would ring true for people.  But wow.  Not only were my fears unfounded, but the number of negative messages I received on Facebook made it clear that this is still a big issue.  Whether they specifically identify as "butch" or not, two masculine-of-center women who date each other face serious challenges, even within their own communities.

In this post, I continue exploring butch-butch relationships, based on interviews of 15 self-identified butches--10 who are currently in a relationship with another butch, and five who are single and date butches.  I've decided to expand the butch-butch exposé into three parts rather than two.  This part tackles "balance" in a butch-butch relationship, as well as how butch-butch couples have been received by others.


A Different Kind of Balance

One of the most-written-about joys of butch-femme relationships is the inherent "balance"--psychic, physical, and otherwise.  Many of the butch-butch couples I interviewed also talked about balance, using words like "synergy," "camaraderie," and "equality."  Several respondents said that in butch-femme relationships, gender roles had been too present for them.  All respondents were quick to state their respect for butch-femme relationships (and understood that prescribed roles are not necessarily part of that equation).  Still, they saw butch-butch relationships as a kind of "tabula rasa," with no default (in their own minds, nor in others' perceptions) about who opens the door for whom.  "In our relationship, it's as if gender roles just completely don't exist, which I love," KT said.  Lisa echoed this, saying that she enjoyed the "fluidity" of her and her partners' roles.  Chelsie wrote, "The fem women I was with treated me more like their 'boyfriend' and resembled the dynamic of a straight couple."

Personally, while dating men and while dating femmes, I always felt like there were prescribed "typical" ways for us to act.  If my femme date brought me flowers (or if I bought my DXH flowers), it was as if were were "bucking" certain roles.  I don't like having roles to buck, even if they're only imposed by my own culturally-programmed brain. 

Nearly all of the butches I interviewed had previously dated femmes, and said dating butches felt "natural" or "was a relief."  K wrote, "The dynamic of my relationship with my butch is so different from any of my relationships with femmes (or men, before that). I feel like I have finally been allowed to take off…  any kind of costume.  There's no doubt that I'm butch, or that she is: even though we're not terribly attached to labels, we both agree that either of us prancing about in a dress or makeup would be Just Wrong."  She also said, "But the relaxed and accepting dynamic of our relationship allows me to be myself first and foremost, with costumes optional, whereas in masculine/feminine-roled relationships that I've been in, only certain things were allowed, and to venture beyond them might make somebody squeamish."

When it came to the essentials of love and communication, however, most respondents believe that butch-butch relationships are no different from any others.  Becca wrote, "[T]he dynamic of our relationship is basically very simple--we're head over heels ridiculous for each other, and I'm grateful for every single moment."  Jess shared a similar sentiment: "[T]he dynamic of our relationship is similar to any other relationship, whether it's femme/femme, butch/femme, or any straight couple. We love each other and have committed ourselves to a lifetime together. We argue with each other, we miss each other when we're apart, and we consult each other in any big or small decision we're making. We laugh, we cry and we care."

All of this made me wonder if butch-loving-butches experience a different kind of queer "sexual orientation" than femme-loving-butches.  What do you think, dear readers?


Friends Don't Care, But Strangers Stare

The dominant theme from my interviews was that close friends tend to be accepting of butch-butch relationships, but that strangers and acquaintances, whether straight or queer, tend to be weirded out.  There also seems to be an uncomfortable "invisibility" that butch-butch couples experience as couples.  I'll let these butches explain in their own words:

eL: "Most of my friends 'just don't get' butch...  I do feel like it's taboo.  …[W]hen my ex and I would go out dancing, when we weren't being seen as gay boys/bois, we were often assumed to be single (even though we were dancing together and were, in my opinion, pretty obviously TOGETHER).  We would regularly get hit on and then have to politely decline and, much to most folks' surprise, state that we were, in fact, a couple.  Also most femmes and some 'straight' women automatically assumed were were interested in them when we just weren't--we only had eyes for each other…  Not being seen as a couple was difficult."
 
K.D: "My best friend thinks its adorable, [and]others don't have much to say.  I think some people get confused because they are used to the butch/femme dichotomy.  I think a lot of people find it unusual but I don't think many would say its taboo, just perhaps confusing."

Donnie: "My close friends were ok with it, others thought it was kind of odd to be butch on butch… and teased us about who opens whose door and who does who in bed."

Stacy: "My friends didn't say much, but I heard later that they thought it was a bit weird.  I find a lot of things feel weird in the lesbo world--the B/B thing was just another one."

Becca: "[M]y friends are a broad mix of queers who don't really seem to judge other people's situations, and my straight friends and family don't know that it's different from anything.  They just see two queers and it makes sense to them.  I don't feel like it's unusual/weird/taboo for me, but I do feel extra gay sometimes.  I feel like we'e super visible as queers, but not always super visible as a couple." 

Anon: "Some friends think it's weird, especially the butches in butch-femme couples.  It's like being gay within the gay community.  One butch friend of mine said she thought it was 'gross.'  I feel like heterosexuals understand butch-femme better than butch-butch.  Maybe the butch-femme thing is more recognizable to heterosexuals as what they're used to."

_Lisa: "It feels a little taboo sometimes. But it seems to throw off straight people more than other lesbians. Straight people still seem to be stuck in butch/femme roles, and get confused if we don't fit into those stereotypes."

Jennie: "None of my friends ever questioned the butch/butch thing. My friends were just excited to see me happy. I don't find it unusual. In fact, I enjoy it more than I realized I could!"

AJ: "All my friends were great and they love Jo so there was no problem there.  Sometimes when you are out in public and we are together you get weird looks…  You do hear… complaints of femmes that it is not fair that you get all the butch girls when they want one!"


So What's At the Heart of the Butch/Butch "Taboo?"

This all made me wonder...  if Portia had short hair and had worn a tux, would people have been quite so stoked about Ellen and Portia's wedding?  Would "Ellen Show" viewers still have talked about how "cute" the wedding was?  And if not, would this be due to the fact that butch + butch is taboo, or that same + same is taboo, or to the fact that butch women aren't seen as conventionally attractive?

Stay tuned.  Next entry will be a wrap-up on butch-butch relationships, and I'll finally tackle butch-butch in the bedroom...

A huge thank you to the wonderful butches who let me interview them: AJ and Jo, K (aka Chopper) and Z (aka Zed), eL, LG and KT, Donnie, Becca and K.D., Jess and Beth, O, Stacy, Chelsie, Lisa and Jennie, and a handful of others who preferred to remain anonymous. 

_Gay Within the Gay Community

When I first came out, I quickly understood two things: (1) I was butch; (2) I was interested in butch women.  It took me a few months to realize that the co-occurrence of these two things was a bit unusual.  I read dozens of online profiles in which devastatingly attractive butches proclaimed their desire to find a femme who could "balance" them. 

I hope my loyal readers will forgive me for this, but back then, I really didn't understand butch-femme relationships.  Wasn't a big perk of being a lesbian to get away from gender roles? Why would anyone want a relationship that replicated heterosexuality?  Of course, this is silly; butch-femme relationships aren't "replicating" heterosexuality any more than my butch DGF and I are "replicating" a homosexual male relationship.  When two phenomena are similar, sloppy thinking can lead to the conclusion that the less culturally privileged one is imitating the other.  I was engaged in sloppy thinking.

Anyway, the lack of butch-loving butches to date led me to give femmes a whirl.  But dating femmes felt a lot like dating men: it was something I was supposed to like, but it felt strange and unnatural.  It just wasn't me.  (The main upside to dating femmes seemed to be that it was easier to find my clothes on the floor next to theirs!)

So I resigned myself to the fact that I was the rare butch who is into other butchy/boi/andro types.  I found plenty of butch-femme socials and butch-femme mixers, but no butch-butch ones.  And there were all kinds of informal social sanctions for cruising other butches.  It was a little like being gay within the gay community.  This is reinforced by the fact that some people call butch-loving-butches "fag butches."


Butch-Butch Interviews

I've had several readers ask about butch-butch relationships (whether they want to be in one or not).  Since this is an object of such intense curiosity, I thought I'd give it some attention.  I interviewed 10 butches who are currently in a relationship with another butch, and another five who are single and looking to date other butches.


Opposites Don't Always Attract: How Butch-Butch Couples Meet

Almost universally, the butches I interviewed said that it's difficult to find butchy types who want to date other butchy types.  In fact, one of them (who lives in New York City) called it a "dating nightmare."  Even butches who are open to dating other butches don't always end up doing so, since it's easier to find femme dates.  Dating online widens your dating pool, and the majority of my respondents met their partners this way.  The handful of butch-butch couples who met in person did so at a bar, a dinner, or through a mutual friend.  Personally, I met my DGF through one of those dorky "come meet other lesbians" dinners (and I was only there because my DXH forced me to go). 

When two butches are attracted to each other, they can be terribly shy about making the first move, and may assume that there's no mutual attraction.  To carry the gay male metaphor further: if a straight guy hits on a lesbian and gets rejected, he doesn't lose face.  It's just a bummer.  But if a gay guy hits on a straight guy and gets rejected, there's more at stake.  The straight guy might interpret it as a threat to his masculinity.  This puts the gay guy in a more vulnerable position than the straight guy.  Same deal with butches.  Hit on a butch who is only into femmes, and you may find yourself subject to a negative rebuff (which, in turn, can wound your own butch pride).  Chelsie writes, "[Telling] my butch friends what I'm attracted to was a mini version of coming out of the closet." 

Added to this is the machismo two butches can exude when they meet each other.  Sometimes they puff out their chests and shake hands as if to say, "Yeah, we're both women who are into woman, but to each other we're bros, not sex objects."  As K told me, "if [a butch] has got her 'cool suit' on, as so many butches do, it can be impossible to read her."  Stacy described something similar: "There is something that I call a 'Butch Barrier' (and no, it's not a dental dam) because it's hard to get close to other butches...  I think it makes dating even harder.  Plus some butches are totally turned off by the thought of another butch."

_Advice for Single Butch-Loving Butches

AJ and Jo: "Just because someone looks all butch and uber tough doesn't mean they always have the confidence and personality to match...  Go up and introduce yourself and talk and listen, see where it goes from there." 

K: "[S]tart by talking to them as friends... There are not a lot of constructs of behaviors for butches interested in butches, because... it's pretty rare and unexplored (in available writings, at least -- I have no doubt that the butch-loving butches have been finding each other since way before Stonewall).

Jess: "The idea of butch/butch is not always accepted in our community, but don't give up... When I didn't think I was going to find someone, Beth came into my life and changed it forever."

Z: "To another butch/boi who wants to date another butch/boi but is having trouble finding dates, I say, don't give up. First you gotta put out to the universe what you are looking for... Put an ad on Craigslist, be specific... Try some online forums/bulletin boards, go to a gay bookstore and hang out getting to know people. Someone will know someone who is single and looking to date. Put the word out."

__eL: "[B]e social, friendly, talk to people that you find attractive... and if you do go out, please dance!  A butch dancing is a sexy thing - don't be so shy!"

LG: "Try dating older butches."

K: "If she grins at you nonstop at [a] party... that is a promising signal to go ahead and flirt with her...  think of this uncharted territory as Your Territory: One of the few areas of your life that can be untainted by stereotypes, assumptions, and stupid old American Puritanism."

KT: "Sometimes a butch thinks she isn't attracted to other butches, but then she meets you and whammo.  Also sometimes people are more attracted to mannerisms than physical appearance.  I dress more masculine than my partner but am more effeminate in my gestures.  If I was gruff or traditionally masculine, she probably wouldn't have been interested in me."

Donnie: "Keep trying, it's out there, you just have to look harder.  There are online butch/butch dating sites such as www.butchboi.com."

K.D: "Don't be afraid to let your feelings be known. I feel like there are more butches that want to date butches out there but because of societal norms many are afraid to say it.  Speak up, perhaps another butch has a crush on you but they think you only dates femmes so they are being reserved."

Becca: "I have known people who have had good luck finding this kind of thing online, but that has never been the case for me.  I usually wind up dating butches who I am friends with first."

O: "In my experience butches are never as hard and tough as you might think they would be...everybody just wants to be loved, so dont be shy, never know if you don't try."


Hope you're enjoying this little butch-butch exposé.  Tomorrow: Butch-butch relationships, part II.  Who wears the...  pants?  And more!

A huge thank you to the wonderful butches who let me interview them: AJ and Jo, K (aka Chopper) and Z (aka Zed), eL, LG and KT, Donnie, Becca and K.D., Jess and Beth, O, Stacy, Chelsie, Lisa and Jennie, and a handful of others who preferred to remain anonymous. 

_This is the second part of a two-part post written by my dear ex-husband (DXH).  Before you read this, please check out the first part, below.


To be clear, this period of my life was not good.  I was separated from and not talking to my wife (at the suggestion of her counselor), living on my friend’s couch with about a car trunk’s worth of belongings, starting a new job in a new profession, and incredibly isolated because nobody else knew about it.
 
I kept my back straight and shoulders square for two reasons.  First and foremost, I knew that what ever I was going through, BDubs had it worse than I did.
 
She needed me. I promised to be there for her.  As she has written about, though we had a great marriage, there were still problems and I just wanted her to be happy.
 
I was also proving something to myself.  Years before I met BDubs, I let down somebody else to whom I owed support.  I disappointed her and myself.  It had deeply affected me. In fact, when BDubs called that first time, I literally thought, “Here is your chance.”  This was my chance to stand tall during a crisis and to redeem myself to myself.  I set out to do so.
 
In support of BDubs, I buried a lot of my emotions. I also buried myself in my new job because it gave me control over how I spent my time and did not highlight so clearly the fact the BDubs was not next to me. I kept such a tight grip on my emotions that I actually created a playlist called "Release" comprised of songs such as "Anybody Else but You" by the Moldy Peaches and "Troubled Mind" by Catie Curtis. I would listen to this list at night when it was quiet, away from work, and just cry.  Then I would collect myself, go to bed, and start over the next day.
 
One of the places I found solace was a Yahoo group called “Men Married to Lesbians.” It is a hard place that is full of men in severe pain. The intent is to be a place where men can go to try to figure out how to make a mixed-orientation marriage work. It is also a landing spot for men whose world has been turned upside down.  One man came home on a Friday to his wife telling him that she was gay, having an affair, and was leaving him and the kids. She moved out on Saturday. On Sunday she sent an e-mail to all their friends and family explaining the situation.  It made me feel lucky.
 
I admired the way that BDubs handled herself through this process.  She was always honest and earnest. She went out of her way to be sensitive to me and was deeply respectful of our marriage. She was a most reluctant lesbian.  She is a woman of the absolute highest integrity and I cannot tell you how much I respect what she has done over the past couple of years.
 
More than one of you has asked whether I regret marrying BDubs.  I have never regretted it for a moment.  There were dark moments when I was angry about the unfairness of it all.  But I always felt lucky to know and to have been married to BDubs.  Living with her was like getting a graduate degree in critical thinking. She pushed and challenged me in a way that I had not been before. We had some great times together and some tough times, but I definitely grew and improved as a person through it all. We did great things for each other. She taught be how to use a semicolon and I taught her how to do shots and listen to music that was not created by her parents' generation.
 
In writing this entry I thought a lot about how alone I felt in the process.  I was very scared to lose my friendship with DBubs and there was not a blueprint for how to keep it.  We ultimately decided to dissolve our marriage in order save our health and friendship.  It is heartening to hear that others have been able to do the same and I look forward to some random couple finding this entry in a Google search and hope that it will give them a little light.
 
Here, I need to stop for a moment and say thank you to my wonderful, extraordinary DGF.  I could sing her praises in a lot of different ways, but I want to focus on one.  My DGF and BDubs are friends.  Actual, legit, not bite-my-lip-forced, friends.  I really admire the DGF in this way because I can see the myriad of ways in which this would be difficult, but she recognizes the importance of my ongoing relationship with BDubs and accepts it as a part of me.  That takes a lot of trust and a textured view of relationships.  I admire her for that.
 
In the years since our divorce, I have watched BDubs's shoulders relax as depression and anxiety have loosened their long grip. Earlier in her blog, she described being with a woman as natural, like she did not have to pretend or guess.  That natural ease has really permeated many parts of her life now in a way that is profoundly related to her being able to square her sexuality.
 
Where she once moved through life with sheer determination and grit she is now moving with purpose and self-awareness.  It is a beautiful thing to see.


BW talking now: Thanks for reading this.  Even though the DXH and I talked throughout the process, reading his story from beginning to end like this was newly powerful for me.  I hope his perspective has been useful to you, too, and that you'll pass our story along to couples who might benefit from it.

And from the bottom of my heart (and I do not use sentimental phrases lightly), thank you to my DXH for sharing what he went through.  Writing about my own coming out was incredibly tough, and I know you went through something similar in writing this, DXH.  Without you, I would not be who I am now, and I doubt I'd be half as happy as I am now, either.  You are a brave, strong, courageous man, and I consider myself damn lucky to have gotten to be married to you back then, and to still be in your life now.

_As regular BW readers know, I recently told my coming out story ("Coming Out Married") in five parts (links: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V).  When my DXH (that's Dear Ex-Husband, for the uninitiated) offered to tell his version of the story, I jumped at the chance.  I think this side of the story--that of those to whom we come out, and whose lives are dramatically altered as a result--deserves to be told, and heard.

My DXH's story will be posted in two installments.  His story starts during the business trip I describe in Part III.  (Oh, and he refers to me here as "B-Dubs," short for "BW.")


BDubs called and asked me if I had time to talk.  Very uncharacteristically, I said, “not really” because work was overwhelming. But she persisted and I relented.  After a little hedging, she said “I am not sure I am 100% straight.”  Laying on our bed, I let those words sink in a little bit.  I asked her what she meant and she said that she wasn’t sure, but she needed to tell me. In that moment, I straightened my back, squared my shoulders, and told her that it was going to be all right, that we were going to be all right.  She was coming home the next day and we could talk then.
 
Then I hung up the phone.  And cried.  For about an hour.
 
In that moment, I did not take what she said to be fatal to our marriage, but it was profound and I could hear the pain and relief in her voice.
 
I did not know then that we would be separated within six weeks and divorced within the year (at least we would decide to be divorced. Paperwork was never our strong point).
 
When BDubs got home the next day we left the airport and grabbed a late meal at a diner. There, we began a relationship talk that would last about a year and continue through separation, dating, holidays, and isolation. The constants were that we loved each other, we would do our best to take care of each other, and that we trusted each other.
 
What was I thinking at the time? In the early going, I felt very clear that this would be a fairly quick and clear issue.  In the beginning I, very logically and cleanly, divided the process onto two steps.  First, we had to figure out BDub’s sexuality; then we could figure out the implications for our marriage. I figured it was no use to contemplate the implications until after you knew what the issue was.  If she was a “5 percenter” then it may not be a big deal for us.  Clear.
 
Clear and fanciful.
 
In short order, it became obvious that this was not going to be a clean and quick process. First, BDubs was very reluctant.  She did not want us to get divorced and she was facing the prospect of a very scary change for her life.  And so I found myself trying to get my wife to kiss a girl (but not in the typical male way).
 
Second, underlying this neat intellectual, two-part framework was a profound and dark fear that I was going to lose my best friend.  I met that fear the first night she stayed over at somebody’s house.  That somebody happens to be her current DGF.  I think that might have been the worst day, or at least in the top five of worst days.  The night before I had practically pushed her out the door with a charge to sleep with somebody else (as long as the somebody was a female). By the time she came home, I was a wreck.  Out of my head pacing the apartment.  I envisioned BDubs and this woman having morning coffee and contemplating how to break it to me that she was going to be moving out and I would lose everything I had.
 
And thus emotion eats intellect for lunch.
 
We had to separate. We had to figure this out, but neither of us could handle living together as it was happening.  Our lease was up, and she moved to a place where we had been planning to move together, and I moved to my friend’s couch (the separation day and the initial splitting up of our house was torturous and also in the top five worst days). We settled into what we knew was going to be a longer process...


It's BW talking now: Wow, right?  Wow.  Even now, years later, I get choked up when I think and read about this.  I'll post the second half of his story in a day or two.  Meanwhile, how about some comments from readers who have gone through something similar?  Any men reading this who are, or were, married to lesbians? 

In one form or another, I've gotten the following question from three different readers in the last week:

Help, my girlfriend says she's trans!  What do I do?

From the tone of the questions I've received, I'm going to assume that: (1) this is somewhat of a surprise, and that (2) at least at first blink, you are unsure how you feel about it, and/or what her transition means for your relationship.  (BTW, I'm going to use female pronouns because this is what the question-askers used.)  Here are some tips to help you navigate:

IN THE SHORTER TERM

1. Remember how hard coming out as queer was?  Your partner took a lot of courage in coming out to you as trans.  Appreciate her honesty, and say so.  This can't have been easy.
2. Try not to react immediately.  There are a million things going through your head, but immediately blurting out, "I'll leave you if you become a guy" is probably not going to help either of you.
3. Listen.  "Trans" means different things to different people.  Maybe she's going to bind or get top surgery, but use female pronouns.  Maybe she'll take testosterone.  Maybe not.  Don't assume you know what she means.  Don't even assume she knows what she means.  She may still be exploring this.  Maybe she's transsexual.  Maybe transgender.  Maybe genderqueer.  Maybe she's female but wants top surgery.
4. Don't assume it's a phase.  Don't assume it's not a phase.   
   
5. Try not to say things like, "But I love your breasts!" or, "I just like you the way you are."  This is likely to induce guilt.
   

IN THE LONGER TERM

1. Keep listening.  How are her feelings about being trans evolving?  What is she thinking?  Is it causing her a lot of stress?  How does she think it will affect your relationship? 
2. You are not obligated to stay with her.  You are not being a sexist jerk if you break up over her transition.  You have a right to be happy and comfortable in a relationship--just like she has a right to be comfortable in her own skin.  Your comfort in your identity and her comfort in hers may or may not continue to be compatible. 
   
3. Relatedly, try to prioritize her realization of her identity above your relationship with her.  This is hard.  But your relationship or friendship is going to be stronger if she gets to express her true self--and in the long term, this will be healthier for both of you.  Couples' counseling may help with this.
4. Be supportive.  Learn as much about trans issues as you can.  Read up about the emotional issues and bodily changes associated with things like taking testosterone or getting top surgery.  It will help to know what's coming.  If she switches to male pronouns or chooses a new name, remind friends if they forget to use these.
   
5. Take care of yourself.  This is a huge deal in her life, but it's a huge deal in yours, too.  Express your thoughts and feelings.  Find ways to release stress.  Get a good therapist.  Look after your mental health. 
   

For those of you who have been through this, what worked?  What didn't?

The huge amount of responses I got to my last post made me wonder if queers are more likely to feel alienated from their families than straight people are.  I mean, if your family doesn't respect your queerness, this is pretty self-evident.  But I know a lot of queers whose family is cool with their queerness, but they still feel alienated.  Why would this be?

One reason I can think of is the kid factor.  Plenty of queers have kids, but on average, we're less likely to procreate than our heterosexual counterparts (partly because homo sex ≠ babies, and partly, I'm guessing, for a whole host of other social/cultural/maybe-even-biological reasons).  Holidays tend to center around a traditional family structure, and also tend (for good reason) to center around kids.  Sometimes we don't really fit into that.

My own family is an example of this.  I have a brother (I'll call him DB for Dear Brother) who is married and has a young daughter.  I love my niece dearly, and love DB and his wife as well.  Partly because DB has a kid, a trend has emerged: My parents and DB's wife's parents, who live 10-12 hours' drive apart, spend Christmas together.  Actually, it's more like my parents have been subsumed into DB's wife's family, since the group includes many other members of her family as well.  So DB and his wife each get to be with both sets of parents every Christmas.  This is convenient for them, and also great for my niece, since she gets to be with all four of her grandparents every year.

As you can probably figure out, this leaves me in a slightly weird place.  Do my DGF and I drive 10-12 hours to spend Christmas with DB's wife's family?  Last year, we did; we rented a car and spent some time on our own and some time with them.  This year, however, they are renting a house in a remote, snowy location and spending four nights there.  DGF and I were invited to come (though we were not invited to help decide where Christmas would happen).  DGF and I decided we would not come along this year.  Our decision was met with much sadness and consternation by my parents.

The first two years it happened, I was annoyed that my parents decided to join a new clan.  But now I am at peace with it: they want to be with their grandkid, and this way they can see her every Christmas.  I understand.  The hard part for me is the expectation that I will always join them.  My mom is upset that I am not coming this year.  And while I am sad that I will not be with my parents, DB, sister-in-law, and niece, I do not wish to drive 12 hours to spend four nights with my DB's wife's family.  They are nice people.  But I have decided I will come along some years, and not others.  This is the first year I've said no.  I'm okay with my parents' choice about how to spend their Christmas, but I wish they better understood my decision to sit this one out.  I'm not trying to prove or anything by not going, either.  I just don't feel like going again this year.

If I had kids, things would probably be different.  Either my parents would switch off between my brother and I for Christmas, or I guess I would go along so the cousins could be together.  But I don't have kids, and I don't foresee having them in the near future.  And so as a result, Christmas is as I've described above.  And it just leaves me feeling weird and sad.  Am I being selfish?  Independent?  Petulant?  Self-actualizing?  I don't know.  I wish Christmas wasn't loaded with so many weird emotions. 

I'm hoping that this year, the DGF and I can start some traditions of our own.  Last night, we lit a candle for Hanukkah (we're not Jewish) and I gave her all of her Christmas presents.  It was wonderful and unexpected and romantic.  On Christmas, we're planning to spend some time with our friend M, and some time with our friends C&D (C is my butch buddy; D is her awesome wife).  Maybe we'll think of some other traditions to incorporate.  Will we bake cookies together?  Go to church?  Eat Chinese food with Jewish friends on Christmas eve?  Who knows.  But despite my weird guild/sadness/confusion about family stuff this year, I'm looking forward to creating some traditions that are mine and my DGF's. 

How about you guys?  Any sticky family situations you're avoiding?  Any cool new holiday tradition ideas that you and your DGF share?