Okay, I have about three minutes, so I'm not going to go on and on about the madness that IS the 2016 presidential election, but I thought you might all enjoy this article if you haven't read it already. It does an incredible job underscoring the double standard for men and women in politics. Some highlights? Imagine, just for starters, that Hillary Clinton:
Do you think she'd still be in the running?
Anyhow, the whole article is worth reading. And you can love or hate Hillary Clinton, but I hope this election starts making people think a little more critically about gender and entitlement in America.
Lena Dunham was completely bashed on social media for her "white privilege" in making the following comment. She was at some fancy event and showed up in a tuxedo:
I was sitting next to Odell Beckham Jr., and it was so amazing because it was like he looked at me and he determined I was not the shape of a woman by his standards,” she told Schumer. “The vibe was very much like, ‘Do I want to fuck it? Is it wearing a … yep, it's wearing a tuxedo. I'm going to go back to my cell phone.’ It was like we were forced to be together, and he literally was scrolling Instagram rather than have to look at a woman in a bow tie. I was like, ‘This should be called the Metropolitan Museum of Getting Rejected by Athletes.’”
People who bashed her reacted basically thus: "Hey, white lady--I know you're used to being the supposed 'beauty standard' in America, but guess what? Not everyone has to find you attractive, and you're certainly not entitled to anyone's attraction."
I get it... somewhat. Of course no one is entitled to anyone else's attraction. And of course Dunham was making an assumption about someone she didn't know. Maybe Beckham Jr. was having a bad day, or responding to an important text, or about to beat his best Scrabble score and wanted to concentrate. Calling out a specific person for being a misogynist based on just that encounter is awfully premature.
And yet, I think I understand where Dunham is coming from. As a woman who doesn't meet mainstream feminine beauty standards--pretty much ever--I can't tell you how horrible and demoralizing and irritating it is to be summarily dismissed by men simply because they don't find me attractive. I can't count the number of times I've been sitting at a table with feminine women and had the men at the table completely and rudely ignore me while chatting up the other women.
Nor am I alone in this. Butch friends' anecdotes and empirical research suggest that on average, men care more about impressing women whom they find attractive than about impressing women they find unattractive. And we're not just talking about single men, or men of a certain age, or men who are looking for a date. (No, of course not all men typify this pattern, but it is a pattern nonetheless.)
To me, Dunham's comment was much less about white privilege than it was about being invisible to men when you don't look the way a woman is "supposed" to look. I agree that it was very uncool of her to publicly call out a specific person and ascribe negative motives to him when she didn't know what was going through his head. But I think the bulk of the anti-Dunham comments are completely missing the point: women are "seen" or ignored based on their gender performance, and this pattern is incredibly frustrating.
Where did you guys go? Why have you abandoned me??
Oh, wait. That would be me.
Yes, it's been several months since I posted. In that time, I have gotten a new job, moved across the country, and gotten married. I'm still setting up the new homestead, trying to wrestle the mutts into submission (they're used to having space to run around--no more!), and dealing with the irritating minutiae that accompany relocation.
Previously, I lived in a very rural area an hour from multiple big urban centers. Now, I live in a small city and can walk downtown, but am over two hours from a big urban center. So that's a little weird. Also, people tell me it will snow here. I hope they're messing with me.
Anyway, I don't know how regularly I'll be writing this blog, but you guys have totally been on my mind during this big period of transition. I thought I'd list out some of the things I've been thinking about, and perhaps you can comment back with some of the things YOU have been thinking about, and maybe a few more posts will magically arise from the ether.
Here's the butch-relevant list of stuff that's on my mind, some big and some small:
Well, friends: I hope you're all doing well, and that you'll take a sec to let me know what's on your mind (and that you haven't forgotten your old pal BW).
(This is intended to be tongue-in-cheek. Yes, I know that female pronouns and other things are overgeneralizations, but I hope you'll like these AMAZING FACTS nonetheless.)
(Originally posted on AfterEllen.com today, except this version has footnotes!)
Matrimonial bliss must be in the air—two good friends announced engagements in the last week, and I’ve been inundated with emails from heterosexual women agonizing over what the heck to do with their masculine-of-center lesbian bridesmaids. These emails come in two general flavors:
#1: I want my butch friend to wear a dress and she said no! WTF—it’s MY wedding!
#2: My butch friend would hate wearing a dress, so what should I ask her to wear?
I’ve been on all sides of this: the reluctant dress-wearing bridesmaid, the tie-sporting bridesmaid, and (many years ago) the hetero bride.
The women who ask question #1 tend to write things like, “I get that she’s a lesbian, but it’s MY wedding. Even if she doesn’t like dresses, it’s what my bridesmaids are wearing. It’s MY day, and I want everyone to match.”
Matching, I must say, is highly overrated.
Matching sides are not chic or modern. Matching sides are not correlated with matrimonial happiness. And I can virtually guarantee that when you and your beloved are thumbing through your photo album on your 25th anniversary, you’re not going to give two craps about sartorial uniformity. You’ll only care who was there and how much fun you had with them.
With sufficient badgering, some butches can be bullied into donning a dress. But most will feel wildly uncomfortable. (Trust me—I’ve been there. A butch in drag feels like a show poodle on steroids.) And don’t you want her to stand up for you as who she is, not as some silly dysphoric cartoonish version of herself?
I can hear it now: a bride-to-be asking, “But lots of people feel comfortable in other clothes. The groomsmen would prefer to wear sweatpants, and we’re not letting them get away with it.” Listen, sister—this is nothing like that. It’s not just a matter of formality. Showing up in something more physically comfortable is qualitatively different from showing up in clothes that cut against the core of who you are as a person. Hence my use of the word “dysphoria” above.
Suppose you were going to a fancy-schmancy event and the host asked you to wear a tuxedo and fake mustache. Not as a joke, mind you, but because this was what they wanted you to wear and be photographed in. If you really wanted to attend the event, maybe you’d do it. But something in you would blanch. Yuck, you might think. This is not really me. I feel like I’m in a costume—I hope no one sees me like this. This is how many butches feel when we put on a dress.
So let’s suppose I’ve successfully persuaded you that Butchy McBridesmaid needn’t sport frills. Onto question #2: what, then, is she supposed to wear? This is the fun part. Possibilities abound:
One bride-to-be recently emailed me a more subtle question. She explained that she wasn’t going to force her butch bud into periwinkle chiffon, and had instead told her that she could wear pants… as long as they were flowy women’s pants with a women’s shirt, which she said would be more closely aligned with the bridesmaids’ look that she was going for. The butch in question was offended and the bride-to-be was like, WTF, I thought I was being cool.
While I don’t think all butches would be offended by the specter of flowy pants, plenty would be uncomfortable. It’s as if the bride is saying, “I get that you’re different, but you have to present in a way I think women should. You still have to fit within my definition of acceptable femininity.” And that doesn’t feel very nice, especially if your butch friend has weathered years of feeling like she wasn’t “doing” femininity correctly. For many of us, being butch is liberating because it means we no longer have to “do” femininity at all. Making her wear flowy pants makes her enter that lousy terrain all over again.
It’s not that your butch friend should be allowed to wear anything she wants. After all, your other bridesmaids may or may not find tea-length periwinkle chiffon flattering on them, and your groomsmen may not love peach-colored ties. It’s not about giving your butch bridesmaid free reign—it’s about asking her to wear something consistent with who she is.
My opinion? Don’t force her to fit into your mold. Approach the conversation with love: Ask her what she would be comfortable in and why (or ask something like, “Would you be more comfortable in what the groomsmen are wearing, or in what the bridesmaids are wearing?”), and listen with an open mind and heart. Ask yourself where your discomfort is really coming from. Is it really about formality, or is it about a fear that others might somehow judge you if your friend wears a men’s suit?
Now, what about the other wedding-related events, decisions, and festivities? Here’s a handy Q&A for your matrimonial reference and planning pleasure:
Q: Do I let her invite a guest?
A: Yes, if you’re letting everyone else in the wedding party invite a guest. This means that gay people might dance at your wedding. Everyone’s on their best behavior at weddings and no one will make a thing of it.
Q: Bouquet or boutonniere for the butch bridesmaid?
A: Your choice.
Q: Is she supposed to walk down the aisle with a groomsman, or walk by herself, or what?
A: In my opinion, this one is your choice, too. You can ask her what she’s comfortable with, and you could always have her seat your groom-to-be’s grandmother or something, but I think you get to decide this based on what’s convenient for the ceremony. When I was a bridesmaid in a suit and tie, I walked down the aisle with a guy, and although it made us smile and probably made an uncle or two scratch his head in momentary confusion, it was completely fine and didn’t detract from the ceremony. The point is to get everyone up there in an orderly fashion. Don’t sweat this one too much.
Q: Do I invite Butchy McB to the bachelorette party or will that be weird?
A: Yes, and yes. Invite her and give her a heads-up on any hyper-hetero carryings on. Some butches think it’s hilarious to sip Long Island iced teas through penis-shaped straws while pretending to ogle a male stripper. Others will be extremely uncomfortable. Make it clear that you’d love to have her, but that it’s 100% fine if she opts out.
Q: What about while we’re doing our hair, nails, and makeup?
A: Give her some non-gender-conforming options. If you’re going for manicures, tell her she can get a men’s pedicure or a foot massage. And during makeup time, ask her to be the official photographer (scientific fact: butches love having duties).
Q: I'm giving all my bridesmaids a gift. What do I give the butch one?
A: Nothing traditionally girly! Something that’s more “her” communicates that you see her as an individual. Failsafes include a unique pocket knife or watch, a modern laptop bag, a high-end wireless speaker, or something cool for her kitchen.
Q: What if my other bridesmaids are homophobic?
A: If they’re your buddies, you need friend upgrade. If it’s a sister-in-law or someone else you’re obligated to include, you’ll have to deal with some discomfort. Lines you can use include, “This is my wedding and she’s my friend, and she’s going to be a part of it as she is,” and “Jesus didn’t teach us to judge each other by the clothes we wear.”
And that, my dear straight friends, is how to gracefully incorporate your masculine-of-center friend into your wedding with grace and style. If you have lingering questions, feel free to shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Happy wedding planning!
 Years ago, as a straight young bride, I left a good male friend out of my wedding party because the way the numbers worked, he would have had to stand next to the bridesmaids and then the sides wouldn’t match. Yes, I left out one of my closest friends in the name of sartorial symmetry. What a stupid decision.
 Plus, if it’s simply that you want the pictures to look a certain way, just take some with all the people in dresses, some with all the bridesmaids, etc.
 And if she insists that she doesn’t care (which I would have a difficult time believing), at least give her the option of changing between the ceremony and the reception. (And no, you don’t get to offer this as a “compromise,” saying that she has to wear a dress for the ceremony, but gets to change later. The only thing you’d really be compromising—besides her dignity—is your friendship.)
 Personally, I would not be offended, but I would shudder.
 If you don’t know what’s happening at your party, just fill your maid of honor in and let her communicate with your lesbian friend in your stead.
 Not intended as sacrilege, by the way—do you really think He cares what your bridesmaids wear?