I've read lots of academic debate about pronoun "go-arounds" (where everyone says his or her preferred pronoun) in meetings, classrooms, etc. And I get the intellectual arguments on both sides--the most persuasive, to me, being the inclusion of trans people and the destigmatization of announcing one's pronoun. So my response to these is personal, not intellectual. And here it is.
I loathe in-person "pronoun go-arounds." Why? Because 99.5% of the time, I am the only person in the room that anyone is wondering about. There will be 5 or 8 or 10 of us, and I am the sole person whose preferred pronoun cannot be easily predicted from her hairstyle, makeup or lack thereof, or clothing choices. Yep, I know there are exceptions. But in the spaces I'm in, there never are. It's always me and a bunch of cisgender, gender-conforming people, and as they go around saying their (obvious) pronouns aloud, I can feel my cheeks burning. We're doing this for that person, I can practically hear them thinking. What will that person say? And when it gets to me and I say "she," which is the pronoun I use, I feel like my identity has been reduced. Boiled down to an essence that, at some fundamental level, does not contain the complications of my gender. Yeah, I'm a cisgender woman. But I am gender nonconforming in my appearance, and my "gender identity," such as it is, is expansive--yes, a female version of expansive--but it is most certainly not contained by the simple word "she." And since I don't get to explain anything else about myself, I hate having to say "she." It is reductive. It feels vaguely insulting to be forced to say my pronoun with everyone staring at me, their eyes asking, what are you? I know that the idea is to make everyone feel comfortable and to be trans-inclusive, and I get that intellectually, but the reality of my lived experience is different. It doesn't feel inclusive at all; it underscores the fact that I am the only gender nonconforming person in the room. A better alternative, I think, would be to go around and have everyone say whatever they want to about themselves and their needs for the day, including preferred pronouns, accessibility needs, or anything else. Some people might say, "I'm sight-impaired, so if I don't look at you, know that I'm not being unfriendly." Others might say, "I'm a little tired today because I was up all night with my kid, but I'm going to try to stay focused." Some people might just say their names and nothing else. This approach would not only be trans-inclusive, but disability-inclusive, family-inclusive, and other kinds of inclusive as well. Pronoun go-arounds in predominately queer spaces are different. I don't feel like I'm being singled out; they feel neutral. I also don't mind pronouns in signature lines in emails, because that's personal to the person sending it; it doesn't demand that anyone else out themselves. I guess that's the part that really bothers me: being forced to "out" some aspect of myself that I'd rather not be the first thing people know about me.
12 Comments
Jackie Meyer
5/20/2019 11:24:24 am
I agree completely. this hasn't come up for me because I'm a business owner and haven't gone to any events where it would come up, but it would embarrass me. I love the suggestion of saying whatever is necessary to say in the moment. I bet half of the time I'd say my kid kept me up so I'm a little out of it. And I'm autistic and will try to look you in the eye but often won't. And I won't even mention pronouns because I don't have a strong preference because it's so damn complicated.
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Marilyn zalatel
5/21/2019 10:29:52 pm
I identify as Butch. I present as fairly masculine. Other people's opinions of me are none of my concern. I use the pronoun she. I would rather give folks the opportunity to respect me and others than having to be in the position to correct their pronoun use if I did identify as something other than she.
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Eli
8/16/2019 04:35:38 pm
I seriously cannot agree more. I experience this often and it's uncomfortable. I can't imagine when a person has dysphoria and isn't out yet how that must backfire.
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T
1/23/2020 10:32:11 am
As someone who’s straddling the butch and FTM line, I can’t agree more. And honestly, I feel it’s transphobic, too, as it draws extra attention to anyone who is “gender-different” in the room, in a deeply othering way, when really, what we all have in common (whether trans or not) is just wanting to get on with and go about our normal lives...not receive more or less negative attention that makes you feel like an alien. I don’t know who came up with this concept in the first place, though it’s supposedly for trans people, and I realize it’s done with good intentions, but it doesn’t seem to help *anyone*. I’m sorry you too have been on the short end of the stick of this practically objectifying experience. Hopefully the fad dies out soon.
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Wendy
2/10/2020 05:58:16 am
I see what you're saying. To me the whole entire pronoun thing is in itself alienating. As you don't identify a woman by walking around stating woman with boobs or man with dick so why call anyone other than by a preferred name. Is no one else's business how you identify. Personally I would approach and have a word to 'clear the air' in my view and say look there is no one else in the space 'we use' that insists on on pronouns being used so why are we using them? Can't we agree in 'this group' we drop the whole entire thing. To me it seems it's another way to make the the person in the room 'feel uncomfortable' by insisting this pronoun intro is pursued.
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Ari
3/9/2020 01:19:38 pm
Thank you so much for the suggestion that everyone can say whatever they want to about themselves - that makes so much sense! I will definitely incorporate this into group discussions/classes I lead in the future. I use they/them pronouns and always appreciate having an opportunity to say that to new people (before they get it wrong and I correct them), but I'm also always wary of making anyone feel like they *have to* say their pronouns if they don't want to. I'm also disabled/chronically ill, and like to be able to explain to people that I'm not trying to be rude by wearing dark glasses and a hat indoors :)
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SashaQ
3/12/2020 02:49:25 pm
Yes, I agree too - I haven't experienced a pronoun go around yet, but it is something I think about... I quite often hear myself referred to in the third person, and am frequently misgendered as a result, but if someone asked me face to face, I'm not sure I would be so bold as to 'out' myself, even though I would feel more comfortable to hear my preferred pronoun more often...
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Rizzo
4/18/2020 11:48:16 am
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Ax
5/23/2020 03:38:27 am
I have been asked by cishet people for my pronouns, and I often wonder whether they would be doing the go-around if not for my presence. I've also had people ask me for my pronouns, then when I've asked them theirs they've said "obviously mine are s/he" which really stings. It makes it clear that my gender is confusing, or not obvious enough and I hate that. I mostly like being asked by other queer people though, it feels like a family member asking "but how are you really?", like they see me as the GNC person I'm trying to be.
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C
9/10/2020 08:06:02 am
I do agree... even in queer spaces I dislike how there is the implication that as a AFAB gnc person u are usually trans so I feel like I hella stick out.
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Jesse K.
9/13/2021 12:43:10 pm
This is just to say that I was trying to research some character stuff for an age gap f/f romance I'm writing and one of the search results was an article by you on Autostraddle a while back. I said out loud "Omg, it's butchwonders, small world!" (as I used to read your blog all the time when I was online more, also back in the day). So. Commenting only to say that I hope you're doing well!!
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