I admit it: I don't always look forward to weddings--especially straight ones. For one, it makes me think about my own wedding to my DXH--which, while it was a joyous and terrifically fun occasion, now makes me a little sad to think about. For another, straight weddings often include a hefty dose of gender inequality. My brother's wedding included something in the vows about how the man was the head of the household and the woman should obey him. (When they recited this at the rehearsal, I chortled audibly and then started giggling... the pastor was not amused.) Straight weddings also make me think, of course, about how the right to enter holy matrimony was one of the manifold civil rights plucked away from me as soon as I came out.
So when I went to the (straight) wedding of two friends yesterday, I was happy and excited for them, but not 100 percent looking forward to the event itself. Boy, was I surprised. For one, their vows weren't just about their commitment to each other, but to their community. They talked about their commitment to sustainability, and to marriage equality--yes, in their vows. I was touched. At the brunch the next day, I went up to the bride (a pretty close friend of mine) and thanked her for including that. She said that they decided they couldn't take part in the state-sanctioned version of marriage without making a conscious commitment to changing the institution itself. How cool is that?! Other factors made the wedding great, too: a casual, garden-y atmosphere, excellent wine, tasty (local, organic, sustainable) food, good music, at least eight or ten other gay folks, and the chance to dance with my DGF (we were both in ties, a dapper duo). The whole thing was very mindful and very fun. I was talking to another thirtysomething (straight) couple there, and they got married right out of college and had a very traditional wedding. As far as they had known, that's how weddings were, and they didn't venture too far outside the box because it didn't occur to them. It made me think about how much of weddings--and other parts of life--we take for granted, when with a little mindfulness and creativity, we could completely transform them.
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Ah, straight girls... Nearly all of my butch friends have an anecdote or two about dating straight women, trying to date straight women, or straight women trying to date *them*. So when I received the following [edited] email from a BW reader, I decided it was time for an entry about the topic:
Hey there. I am really bad at telling if a girl is straight or gay. I've hung out with this girl a few times and I want to ask her out. She doesn't have a boyfriend. Should I try to date her if she's straight? LOTS of complications packed into that email, no? In no particular order, here is my (admittedly scant) wisdom on straight women and butches:
I cannot, however, speak to is how straight women respond to dating trans men. I know a handful of trans men-straight women couples who seem to be dating without incident. If any readers want to speak to this (or anything else I've left out), please comment! There are some little accouterments that every butch should have in her fashion arsenal, and one of these is... metal collar stays! Woohoo!! [Several seconds of resounding silence] Okay, okay--I know they may seem a little mundane, but if you've never used them before, they will rock your world. Basically, all men's shirt collars that are neither button-down nor especially casual have little slots on the underside (one on each side). These are where your collar stays go. Many shirts come with plastic ones that, unless you are more fastidious with your laundry than I, are likely to end up warped and thin at the bottom of your dryer. Metal collar stays are worth buying for several reasons. They weight your collar down better than plastic ones, and keep the points of your collar taut and crisp. This is especially important if you launder your shirts yourself and don't always (or ever) iron. If you forget them in the dryer, no problem--they come out perfectly fine and never warp. PLUS, you can keep them in a little glass jar in your bathroom, which is both convenient and attractive: It's hard to tell from the picture, but I have two different sizes of stainless steel collar stays. (I've also hung onto the plastic ones that are suitably thick and haven't been been through the wash yet. Most of them are pretty cheap, though, and I just toss 'em.) I recommend getting 6-10 stays of two different sizes (anywhere from 2 1/8 in. to 2 3/4 in. is good--I find that I use 2 1/2 inch by far the most, so now I own mostly those). Some eBay sellers offer good quality items for cheaper than most stores. Don't pay more than a dollar per stay, and don't bother with the plastic ones Banana Republic sells--they're way overpriced for what you get.
Lastly, the Sartorial Butch pointed out a while ago that personalized collar stays make a good butch gift. I feel so-so about this, since no one would see the personalization. Although you could always take advantage of their invisibility by writing hilariously inappropriate things on them. After all, who wouldn't want a collar stay that said "MY BOSS SUCKS" or "NICE VULVA?"
You can have straight buddies, trans buddies, tall buddies, and small buddies. But you definitely need some butch buddies. There's a unique, comforting tenor to my relationships with my butch friends that I just can't get anywhere else.
See, butch buddies share some cultural commonalities. Other butches know what it's like to be called "sir" at a coffee shop, have experienced the indignity of wearing a bridesmaid's dress, have struggled over whether to wear a tie to a job interview, and have lived through near-flat-top experiences at the local barber shop. It's important to have people with whom you can bond (and laugh) about this kind of stuff. Sure, you're not going to be friends with some chick just because of your shared affinity for Axe deodorant. But if you DON'T have a trusted cadre of butch buds, seek 'em out--they can be useful in a multitude of situations:
Each of my friends fills an important role in my life, but I know I'd feel a peculiar loneliness without butch buddies--one that stems from having a part of yourself that no one else can really "get." |
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