A little over a week ago, I received the following question from a reader. It's a hard one, and one I've heard before, so I thought I'd better tackle it:
Dear BW: I am only attracted to femmes, but my girlfriend has become more and more butch. At this point she's almost as butch as me. I love her but I don't find her attractive when she looks so butch. What do I do? - MM. Dear MM: this is a tough one. When we start dating someone, they're one way. Two years later, they're another. Of course, this is natural: people grow, change, evolve, etc. (As my mom says, "We are all in a state of becoming.") But what do you do when you don't like the changes? In a way, your question is a version of the question, "What should I do if my girlfriend tells me she's trans?" I posted an answer to that back in January, and you might want to check it out. Obviously, I can't give you a definitive answer. But here are some important factors to consider:
As I see it, your choices are: (1) to break up or (2) to stay together and accept her as she is, and yourself as you are. But staying together and trying to change her (or staying together and trying to convince yourself that you're still attracted to her) won't work for the long haul. Has anyone else faced something like this? Or been at the other end of it? What did you do?
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Did you miss me? Or is that just wishful thinking on my part?
While I was not blogging this past week, I was spending time on one of my multiple otakus*: art! I have an art installation (my first) going up next week (just in a local cafe--don't get too excited), and spent every possible moment finishing a piece (even missing out on Easter with my parents, which sucked because in addition to loving my parents, I really enjoy dyeing eggs**). My art stuff also necessitated a three-hour trip to Home Depot and various other hardware stores to find mounting*** materials that would comply with the cafe's idiosyncratic rules. At Home Depot, I learned three important things:
Anyway, I am now back to life at its usual frenetic-but-bearable pace, so brace yourself for my usual frenetic-but-bearable frequency of posts. Much love, BW P.S. Another thing I learned this week: the amount of Robin's Eggs I can consume is limited only by the number I can purchase. * Is that how you pluralize "otaku," or is it already plural? Also, despite the term's frequent association with anime and manga, I am a fan of neither. I learned the term from Seth Godin. ** Holidays are awesome excuses for doing weird shit. Think about it: what other time of year could you color eggs or haul a tree inside, decorate it, and prop it up in your living room without having people think you were nuts? *** Heh heh. She said "mounting." **** Heh heh. She said "screws." Via Tumblr. Click picture for link. While most of you enjoyed Sunday's little prank (mmwah ha ha!), it also elicited a few reactions that surprised and interested me enough that I want to devote a post to discussing them. A few readers (see comments on 4/1's post, as well as on Facebook) were disheartened by my joke. They pointed out that by making fun of the idea that I would enjoy wearing a dress, I was implicitly making fun of the idea that any butch would enjoy wearing a dress. I sincerely hope that most readers didn't take it that way--I didn't mean to suggest that a butch can't wear a dress, or that a "real" butch wouldn't do so. In any case, these comments made me consider identity, inclusion, and femininity some more. A few thoughts: 1. I have no interest in policing identity... But is this good? I am not in the business of policing butchness. I don't care if you wear dangly earrings, high heels, and skirts every day and call yourself butch. I don't care if you wear men's clothes from head to toe and call yourself femme. Anyone can "identify" as anything; as I see it, identification is up to the person identifying herself. Yeah, I might suspect that a woman in a dress doesn't identify as butch, since I'm personally acquainted with few butches who'd voluntarily wear a dress. But if a person tells me she's butch, then as far as I'm concerned, she's butch. Of course, if anyone can identify as anything, so at some point, doesn't this become a little absurd? If my white 80-year-old grandmother wants to identify as a young gay man, should she be "allowed" to? As far as I'm concerned, sure. It would be hard for me to swallow, since I have pre-existing notions and biases about what young gay men look like (and they don't look like her). I also imagine that my grandmother would face certain barriers to entry in the young gay male community. Is this fair? Should she? Should they have to respect who she says she is "inside?" Personally, I hope I'd respect her identity. By "respect," I mean that I hope I'd genuinely see her the way sees herself and wants to be seen by others. At the same time... 2. It's hard to be sensitive to all incarnations of an identity, especially if it's an identity you claim, and others claiming the identity don't share traits you consider central to it. It's easier to talk about respecting other people's identities in the abstract, when when we're not talking about our own identities. Suppose I decided to attend a social group for butches. Suppose I showed up in jeans and a flannel button-down, but everyone else had long hair and was wearing dresses, high heels, and makeup. Even if everyone identified as butch, I'd feel left out. This is because for me (me personally, not in any objective sense), physical appearance is part of butchness. In the past, I've felt like an outcast for not conforming to traditional notions of femininity. So if the other women in the group looked like what mainstream society says women are "supposed" to look like, one of my big reasons for seeking butch community wouldn't be satisfied. If I felt excluded enough, I might even want to start a group tailored to the traits around which I sought community. (When people do this, they are sometimes accused of creating factions within the LGBTQ community. Which, maybe they are. I'm not convinced this is a bad thing in principle, but it can make people feel excluded, which feels crappy and can lead to more tension.) As I've argued before, I believe a similar dynamic underlies tensions that can exist between female-identified butches and trans men. Female-identified butches face certain kinds of marginalization for not looking "like women"--for not appearing to conform to the social expectations of the gender with which they identify. But (many) trans men look "like men" to the wider world, and thus appear to conform to the expectations of the gender with which they identify. To the extent that female-identified butches seek community based on that type of nonconformity, and/or identify as butch based on it, they may feel like there's something crucial they don't share with trans men. I'm guessing that this feeling of dissimilarity is the root of much identity "policing" (which doesn't mean I agree with it). 3. Rejecting traditional trappings of "femininity" and socially-loaded words like "pretty" feels really empowering to many butches. The part of Sunday's April Fool's post that was the most amusing for me to write was: I've been doing this whole "gender queer nonconformist" thing for so long that I forgot that it feels awesome to just be pretty. Wearing a dress means that people see me on the outside and think I look as good as I feel on the inside. And when it comes down to it, isn't this kind of interactive reality with other people more important than the reality we create in our own brains? To me, this was funny because it was as if, after spending all this time and energy accepting myself as I am and eschewing mainstream notions of femininity, I was suddenly doing a 180 and talking about how good it felt to conform to society's notions of what "pretty" means. I suspect that the reason so many butches were horrified, then amused, at my last post, is because many of us hate dresses and can't imagine changing their minds about wearing them. Many of us grew up feeling like traditional ideas about "being feminine" were crammed down our throats. Saying things like, "I'll never wear a dress again" is empowering! But if wearing a dress is who you are, regardless of your motivations for wearing it, I say go for it. I don't care. As you may know, I don't see masculinity and femininity as a "spectrum," such that increases in one entail decreases in the other, and vice versa. Can you wear a dress and still call yourself butch? Of course. But you may encounter surprise and skepticism from others, since so many self-identified butches (myself included) have trouble imagining genuinely wanting to wear a dress, and/or genuinely wanting people to see us as "pretty." Indeed, part of the reason I identify as butch is that it helps me embrace my lack of desire for these things. One of my favorite things about writing this blog is that there's so much interesting feedback from readers: positive, negative, and everything in between. I really appreciate your willingness to leap into the conversation that my "Me in a Dress" post sparked, and I look forward to reading your thoughts about this post as well. I have a small confession to make, and I hope you readers won't hate me for it: Yesterday, it occurred to me that it had been literally years since I put on anything traditionally associated with femininity. So I went to Nordstrom Rack, where I needed to drop by anyway, since I've been looking for a decently-priced pair of black dress shoes (ideally Eccos, my longtime favorite--more on dress shoes in a future post). As I was passing through the "ladies" section, it occurred to me that I could do a post on butch "cross-dressing" that might be kind of amusing. Glancing to my left and right to make sure that there weren't any other butches in the vicinity, I held my nose and jumped, Docs-first, into the ladies section. I picked out not one, but two femmy outfits: one dress, one skirt and poofy blouse. The dress was (ugh) pink, and had (ugh) lace on it (and don't even get me started about how ridiculous the sizing is in women's clothes), but bravely, I took it into the ladies' dressing room, ignoring the bewildered look on the face of the dressing room attendant.
I stripped off my collared shirt, Docs, white undershirt, and carpenter-style cords. I took a deep breath, trying to shake off my uncertainty. This was supposed to be an adventure, right? Once I figured out how to get the stupid zipper all the way down (it had to be the world's smallest zipper--are tiny fingers a prerequisite for being femme?!) I arranged the dress on the floor and stepped into it. I think I was supposed to put it over my head, but all that fabric seemed too intimidating and I was afraid I'd get lost. Wincing, I pulled it up over my butchy bod, closed my eyes, and reached around my back, somehow managing to pull the zipper all the way back up (thank you, yoga!). The mirror was behind me at that point, so I turned around to see myself in what I assumed would be head-to-toe horror. Instead… to my great surprise… it looked awesome on me. No, it wasn't butch, but the dress fit super well, and the lace wasn't itchy at all (maybe because of how it was sewn or something--who knows). For the first time in a long time, I looked hot. Not queer-hot, but conventionally hot. "Hot" in a sense that would be recognized by the wider world. And you know what? That felt really damn good. I've been doing this whole "gender queer nonconformist" thing for so long that I forgot that it feels awesome to just be pretty. Wearing a dress means that people see me on the outside and think I look as good as I feel on the inside. And when it comes down to it, isn't this kind of interactive reality with other people more important than the reality we create in our own brains? Now I have a larger confession: I bought the dress. Not only that, but I bought the other skirt-like outfit thing I had picked out (didn't even try on the latter--too intimidated by just being a butch in the dressing room). I'm stoked to wear these two things out and/or to work, because seriously--I look really pretty in them. And it feels indescribably good to look pretty, and to just fit in, for once. I don't know why I always made such a big deal of not wearing dresses before. Sure, they're not the most comfortable articles of clothing ever invented. But what's so great about a tie? When you think about it, it's like a noose around your neck. And since I see some level of discomfort as basically inevitable when I'm dressing up, why not choose the kind of discomfort that other people think actually looks nice? What do you think about that, dear readers? Have you ever put on a dress? Don't you ever want to just stop looking "butch" and start looking pretty? For a pic of me in the dress, neck-down, click here. I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who voted in the About.com Readers' Choice awards. I'm tremendously proud that Butch Wonders won the Best Lesbian Blog award! I was stoked to be in the top five--but to win? So cool!! I see it as our award, not my award. Sounds cheesy, but it's true. Every time you take a minute to comment on a post or write me an email or send in a picture, you make Butch Wonders a better blog and a stronger community. I hope we'll keep growing, and I hope you'll keep reading. I'm thrilled that so many of you read the blog and find it interesting or useful enough to keep coming back. You are awesome. Thank you!! |
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