This is a hard entry for me to write, since it's perrrrsonal, but it's important.
A lot of women hate going to the gynecologist. But when I say that I hate it, I mean, I HATE it. As in, I would rather get a cavity filled, clean my toilet, or run a mile with my old PE teacher screaming at me. A few years ago, I finally found an OBGYN whom I love. (I'll call her "Superdoc.") Superdoc is a lesbian, was wholly unassuming when I was asking about lesbian sexual health while trying hard not to seem (or be) gay, and best of all: she has very small hands. But Superdoc is on a long medical leave, so I had to see someone else. Alas. As soon as the new doc came into the room, I knew I'd made a mistake. (Also, she looked like an old-timey schoolmarm, so I'm going to call her "DSM" for "Dr. School Marm.") She didn't shake my hand (bad sign), and sat at her computer while I sat naked beneath my dopey little robe. Then she started asking me questions. The conversation proceeded thusly: DSM: When you came here last, you and Superdoc talked about PCOS? BW: Yeah. But I think I don't have it, because I got an ultrasound and they said my ovaries weren't polycystic. DSM: That's not the only way we diagnose it. Do you remember what Superdoc said would happen if you didn't have a regular period? BW [more subdued]: I had a CAT scan for an unrelated reason and I asked about my ovaries and they said they were OK. DSM: [laughs consescendingly]: well, if they didn't look specifically at that, then they can't tell you. You have to do calculations. BW: [very softly, looking away] Oh. I... I don't know, then. DSM: Look, I'm not trying to convince you that you have PCOS. I'm trying to make a diagnosis here! BW: [even more softly] Oh, yeah, I--I don't... um... Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying I don't have it, I just thought... Well, one thing is my hormone levels are normal. They took blood and--uh--they're in the normal range. I--uh... DSM: That's not dispositive. BW: Oh. [Feels small.] DSM: It says here you had an IUD. BW: Yeah. I did. Maybe five years ago? Six? Or four? DSM: What was your period like then? BW: I don't--I'm not sure. It was, um, I... I don't know. [Melts into a puddle of shame, embarrassment, and discomfort.] DSM [incredulous; annoyed]: You don't know? At this point, I am looking away, basically mumbling softly and incoherently, and--I kid you not--very close to tears, which DSM does not notice. I decide I'm not going through with the exam. Then I think about how folks in their 30s can get various kinds of nether-region cancer. And then I feel worse. And then DSM tells me that irregular periods put me at risk for endometrial cancer. And I think about dying. More awkward conversation ensues. Some highlights:
When she gets up to do the exam, Kelli Dunham's refrain keeps going through my head: Get your bits checked out. I will mentally dissociate, I think. I'll pick a spot on the ceiling. I will notice absolutely everything about that spot. Bit-checking will be over before I know it. But while conducting the breast exam (which, yes, I also loathe), DSM asks if I wax or pluck. I tell her that yes, about every other month, I get my upper lip waxed (I don't have a lot of lip hair; I just don't want any). Then, she asks if, although she can't see any facial hair, do I ever have to pluck a hair from my chin. I say sure, sometimes. She says it isn't normal for women to have hair anywhere besides their heads, and that this is probably because of PCOS (which, it is now clear, she has affirmatively decided I have). Because my brain clicked off, I neglect to point out that countless businesses are sustained by the presence of hair on women's faces. That "lip-wax" and "chin wax" are actual menu items at many beauticians'. That this fact is excellent evidence that I am not a freak of nature for having unwanted hair. So instead, I say nothing. I am silent. I imagine a carnival barker yelling, "Get your bits checked! Get your bits checked right here, folks!" I find a spot on the ceiling. I stare at it. She conducts the exam. It is uncomfortable, but lasts five minutes, tops. My bits check out fine. She leaves and I put my clothes on and get out as fast as I can. Basically, it was an awful morning that reduced me nearly to tears, and I had to be consoled by my DGF (lucky for me, I was seeing her right afterward). But I did it. And now I don't have to think about it, and I've taken care of myself, which is an excellent feeling. If I can live through that whole freakin' ordeal, you can, too (and chances are, your experience will be better than mine!). Get your bits checked out. I promise you'll live through it, and it can save your life.
32 Comments
Julie
2/25/2013 08:34:48 am
Ugh! I'm sorry you had that experience. For me the experience is always traumatic and I've always wondered if I'm making it out to be worse than it really is. I cry during/after every exam. I'm a healthy person and I want to stay that way. Whenever I go back, I try to keep a positive attitude but it always ends the same. Me feeling sick to my stomach and red-eyed. The first time I ever had an exam the doctor was not empathetic at all even though I told her it was my first time, and she barely explained anything. My regular doctor is okay but the procedure itself is always tortuous and the last time I had a visit she made some comment at the end like, "Are you okay, after I almost killed you here?!" because I had literally cried out in pain. I wasn't sure if that was her way of trying to lighten the mood or if she was just being a bitch. I realize that there are worse procedures, child birth, etc... But for me, this exam is the worst thing I have to do and I feel like doctors should try and be a little more understanding.
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Kelly
2/25/2013 10:21:40 am
Ditto what Julie said. And Meredith. Totally. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and glad you forged ahead in the name of your heath. I can't imagine any woman likes going to the OB/GYN, just some experiences are worse than others. I have a female doctor who has done gyno-related tests for me. I don't dislike her, don't have any real affection for her, either, but definitely picked her because I'm more comfortable seeing a female. I agree that comfortability is important. I hope you can always see your Superdoc from now on!
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Lyndsay
2/25/2013 08:52:25 am
I too hate the gyno. I went once when I was 9 (not getting into why) and it was the single most horrible experiences of my life, it still rates among the top 10 to this day. I didn't go again until I was almost 30, and that wasn't so great either but I do it because I have to and if my doctor is ever cross with me I get up and leave the room. The problem is that doctors (most not all) don't see the patient as a person they don't care how you FEEL and worse they think they are infallible. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience but its important that you know you always have the right to ask for another doctor or not go through with the exam and find another doctor. You also have the right to a nurse being in the room if for no other reason than for someone else to focus on.
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2/25/2013 09:03:41 am
Yep, I actually thought about asking for another doc. But the truth is, I really, really didn't want to come back and do 3/4 of the visit over again. So I just dealt with it. I'm kinda glad I did, even though it was (very) annoying.
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wdfortyplus
2/25/2013 08:59:01 am
Reminds me of when I went for my first 'pap exam' (smear test) Don't like the name. I insisted that it be a woman doctor and not a man! Nurse from well woman clinic stated that it would be. After getting undressed and waiting.....then a man doctor appears to carry out the pap exam. I reluctantly went through with it as I was there and felt I had to continue. During taking the pap exam he made unecessary comments. To which I had already previously told to the nurse (who I was really angry at!) Pap exam over and getting dressed again I burst into tears.....immediately causing concern with the nurse....and wanting to know what the matter was! I tried to fend it off saying 'nothing'....but she wouldn't let me out the room without me telling her first. So I told her .... it was my first pap exam and it was a male doctor. I'm a lesbian and the problem is you....with that I walked out the door in floods of tears. The next woman waiting just stared at me in disbelief! I returned home where i spent the rest of the day in bed feeling awful.
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2/25/2013 09:05:20 am
Good for you for going back even after you had that terrible experience! I can't believe that they gave you a male doctor after you requested specifically NOT to have a male doctor. That is inexcusable. Geez. I'm really sorry that happened!
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Whitney
2/25/2013 09:14:45 am
This post is SO important. Thank you for having the courage to share all that. I HATE getting my bits checked out as well. So much so that I'm practically hyperventilating before I get to the doctor's office. Just a few weeks ago I had to go get checked out and I opted to try Planned Parenthood. I've never been there but I just moved and don't have a job yet and no insurance, so their reduced fee (or no fee at all in my case. Just a donation that no one pressured me to make) is what I could afford. It was the best experience I've had at the doctor's office. Everyone there was very nice and patient even though I probably constantly looked like I was going to break down at any second. Best of all, the doctor I saw new about same sex partner health! Same can NOT be said for all the other doctors I've seen... Both my partner and I have been told we don't need to worry about HPV because we don't sleep with men. WTF? I hope you have a better experience at the next doctor you try or your favorite one comes back soon!
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j
2/25/2013 09:16:27 am
ugh. that is awful. how do these people get licensed!?!? i happened to find a gyno i LOVE. like, i have a huge crush on her, AND she's awesome, which i knew immediately- she asks about sexual assault/abuse on the initial form- presumably so that she can take extra care, AND there are cartoons on the ceiling.
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Jan
2/25/2013 08:39:49 pm
Even the nice people I've seen for a smear have started with a Huge speculum. I mean, seriously, ask beforehand and work your way up if necessary; even if there's a danger of a patient getting offended (that's if they know it's happening), surely better that than risking them being in f*cking *agony* and possibly not coming back when they're next due? Now when I go in I feel like I need to walk in and say "I've got no kids and I've been raped more than once, nice to meet you".
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tiana
2/25/2013 09:28:32 am
I have never been to the gynocologist, and I am so anxious about the first time that I will have to. I really hope that I dont have to face something like the horror stories that others have had to deal with.
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linda
2/25/2013 09:56:17 am
I am a stone butch with no entry for over 30 years. The nurse attempted to use a speculum and the pain was intense and it did not happen. Having no health insurance I have to take what I can get so unless I can be medicated to not feel this it will not happen.
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Felix the Hat
2/25/2013 10:22:03 am
Horrible manner in that doc. You're a good writer - please write the management of the clinic and tell them how she behaved. You could do it anonymously. She had no right to be argumentative about your diagnosis. They want us to educate ourselves, but then argue with what we learn.
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Gill
2/25/2013 11:06:26 am
I agree with Felix: definitely write or call and tell the clinic management about your experience. No matter how "complex" the rest of a diagnosis is, telling a woman that hair anywhere but on her head is a sign of disease is absolutely ridiculous.... Believe me: I've seen a lot of women's bodies and hair on breasts, chins, upper lips, cheeks, etc, etc, is absolutely normal.... And then there was her condescending attitude: William Osler told doctors that they must always listen to the patient, because the person will tell them what's wrong. This Doctor Smarty-Pants broke that rule: she didn't listen to you. She used the conversation to show you how smart she thinks she is, and not to find out what might be bothering you. Please complain. And, good for you for not taking a speculum and shoving it in her eye....
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Sucky suck-ass doctors suck. I'm sorry your doctor sucked. I had a sucky doctor. Truth be told, the highly Christianity-associated, "Vote for Traditional Marriage" placarded nature of the establishment should have been fair warning, but, you know, I was trying not to judge them.
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Men up
2/25/2013 01:40:53 pm
I had an exam done at Planned Parenthood also, and they were fantastic.
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Kenny
2/25/2013 01:43:29 pm
OK, I have no idea why the above comments shows the name "men up" when I typed Kenny.
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a trans guy
2/25/2013 02:17:42 pm
1. thanks for this post. Reminds me (along with Kelli's constant posts) I need to get my bits checked. 2. So sorry you had a crap doctor. 3. I don't know how standard this is, but I told my regular doc that I wasn't getting my bits checked because abuse/gender dysphoria, and he prescribed valium to take before hand, and then for a while going to get my bits checked had the side benefit of getting to get slightly stoned/high'/whatever the term is for what valium does to you, and that almost made it kind of fun. Or at least tolerable. Plus I was zoned out enough during the exam that I really didn't mind at all. And then doing it that way a few times made it seem less harrowing later, even without any nice drugs. All of which is to say: if you're really freaked out by bit-checking, maybe you can find a nice doc to write you a prescription for valium or etc.
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Catmo
2/25/2013 02:29:20 pm
I get so wired. I start puking days before! LOL and if chin hairs aren't normal....I'm already DEAD! lol.
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VanBlossom
2/25/2013 04:54:26 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. I know what you are talking about. I had to change my gynecologist five times before I felt really secure and accepted. The funny thing is that I ended up with a male doctor. He never judged me or made me feel uncomfortable. Even the exam is ok now. He is very careful not like the female doctors (especially the lesbian one was very rude). My wife and I feel so secure that we choose him to accompany us through my twin pregnancy. I hope that you will find someone like him! Again thanks for sharing.
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Jan
2/25/2013 08:44:08 pm
I'm so sorry it was so horrible, but I love what you've done with this post. You're right, it is survivable, and it keeps us safe.
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Jess
2/25/2013 09:17:42 pm
Actually, does this keep us 'safe', and what does 'safe' actually mean in this context? I'm all for cultivating the kind of connection with my body that means it can tell me when something is wrong. For me, these kind of abusive interventions interfere with that connection, and so I don't engage with them. I know this is a controversial view and I know there will be those of you who are alive today because of a cervical smear, and I'm not seeking to persuade anybody of anything, but ... Personally, I trust a deeper kind of knowing.
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Tammy
2/25/2013 09:45:25 pm
I'm with you Jess. I don't find it particularly pleasant but view it more like taking your car to the machanic. I sure as hell wouldn't trust my car to just any sloppy Joe, so I won't trust my body with anyone either.
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E
2/26/2013 01:45:33 am
Oh my god, thank you all so much for sharing your stories. I feel incredibly comforted knowing I'm not the only one who has trouble with these damn exams (I'm prone to ovarian cysts, and have to get a transvaginal ultrasound with every annual exam on top of the ones I've had lately as we tried to diagnose what appears to be endometriosis). The whole experience has just gotten worse and worse over the years, even with good docs.
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Katie
2/26/2013 02:24:59 am
I am sorry you went through that. My doc constantly bugs me to go, it has been almost 25 yrs i hate that experience soo much
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Kali
2/26/2013 08:04:25 am
Oh, sympathy! I have to go for my first ever smear test next month, and bring up the awkward irregular period/previous (male) ex years ago gave me an STI thing. It's gonna be awful, wish I had someone to come with but I'm also recently single. I hear it comes in threes, so fairly soon someone will probably run over my cat or something.
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Shay
2/26/2013 08:48:42 am
Sorry you had to go through that :(
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dear friend, i hope you'll take the time to write a letter to the head of the practice about what an ass DSM was because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way when they're trying to take care of their health. <3
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Stacey
2/26/2013 11:39:26 pm
That's horrible! I despise the gyno myself, but I've always been super lucky to have really nice doctors. Even after they found out I was a lesbian. Granted my experience is limited because I rarely go, but still. That woman has no business being a doctor if that's how she treats her patients. Holy shit.
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Ducky
2/27/2013 03:31:31 am
As a butch woman who actually has PCOS, but doesn't have any real facial hair, I can tell you that woman is full of shit. My wife does have facial hair, and she does not have PCOS.
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Ducky
2/27/2013 03:53:46 am
Oh, and just to make you laugh a little, my very first pelvic exam was at the MEPS station in Seattle when I joined the Army at 17 years old. It was done by the same very old male doctor who put my grandfather into the Army in early 1941. He also was the doc for all my druncles during Korea and Vietnam. AND I was still a virgin, something that they don't often encounter at MEPS.
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