I Don't Like Forced Pronoun-cements.

I've read lots of academic debate about pronoun "go-arounds" (where everyone says his or her preferred pronoun) in meetings, classrooms, etc.  And I get the intellectual arguments on both sides--the most persuasive, to me, being the inclusion of trans people and the destigmatization of announcing one's pronoun.  So my response  to these is personal, not intellectual.  And here it is.

I loathe in-person "pronoun go-arounds."  Why?  Because 99.5% of the time, I am the only person in the room that anyone is wondering about.  There will be 5 or 8 or 10 of us, and I am the sole person whose preferred pronoun cannot be easily predicted from her hairstyle, makeup or lack thereof, or clothing choices.  Yep, I know there are exceptions.  But in the spaces I'm in, there never are.  It's always me and a bunch of cisgender, gender-conforming people, and as they go around saying their (obvious) pronouns aloud, I can feel my cheeks burning.  We're doing this for that person, I can practically hear them thinking.  What will that person say? 

And when it gets to me and I say "she," which is the pronoun I use, I feel like my identity has been reduced.  Boiled down to an essence that, at some fundamental level, does not contain the complications of my gender.  Yeah, I'm a cisgender woman.  But I am gender nonconforming in my appearance, and my "gender identity," such as it is, is expansive--yes, a female version of expansive--but it is most certainly not contained by the simple word "she."  And since I don't get to explain anything else about myself, I hate having to say "she."  It is reductive.  It feels vaguely insulting to be forced to say my pronoun with everyone staring at me, their eyes asking, what are you? 

I know that the idea is to make everyone feel comfortable and to be trans-inclusive, and I get that intellectually, but the reality of my lived experience is different.  It doesn't feel inclusive at all; it underscores the fact that I am the only gender nonconforming person in the room.  

A better alternative, I think, would be to go around and have everyone say whatever they want to about themselves and their needs for the day, including preferred pronouns, accessibility needs, or anything else.  Some people might say, "I'm sight-impaired, so if I don't look at you, know that I'm not being unfriendly."  Others might say, "I'm a little tired today because I was up all night with my kid, but I'm going to try to stay focused."  Some people might just say their names and nothing else.   This approach would not only be trans-inclusive, but disability-inclusive, family-inclusive, and other kinds of inclusive as well.  

Pronoun go-arounds in predominately queer spaces are different.  I don't feel like I'm being singled out; they feel neutral.  I also don't mind pronouns in signature lines in emails, because that's personal to the person sending it; it doesn't demand that anyone else out themselves.  I guess that's the part that really bothers me: being forced to "out" some aspect of myself that I'd rather not be the first thing people know about me.