Butch Wonders
  • Blog
  • Butch Store: Genderqueer Us
  • About
  • Contact

It's Been a Minute

11/21/2017

6 Comments

 
Hey, all.  It's been a minute.  What's happened since then?  Well, something in my work life exploded and I was hit by some metaphorical shrapnel and I've been recovering, plus hustling as much as I can to get myself back on track.  But don't think I haven't thought of you--I've totally thought of you.  Here is a partial list of Random Things.  Nothing would make me happier than to read in the comments one or two things that *you* have been thinking.
  1. Thanksgiving is coming up.  I have a motley crew of wayward mostly-singles joining me and the wife this year, so that means we're cooking.  And by "we're cooking," I mean that she is telling me what to buy and I'm buying it, and then on Wednesday I will spend all day following orders like the obedient sous chef that I am.  It is super cool to be in a position to invite other people over for Thanksgiving who might not otherwise have a group of people with whom to hang.  (Notice that I don't say "who had no place to go."  Because some people want to hang out solo and read magazines and eat ice cream all day on Thanksgiving, which I think is an equally valid choice.)
  2. I went to Whole Foods today and got all the stuff on the list and not only was it PACKED with super slow-moving people, but they all seemed to be sick.  Every last thirty dozen of them.  It was all I could do not to bean someone with a delicata squash.
  3. Can we stop for a second and talk about MEN?  Holy crap.  Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Louis CK, Al Franken, Roy Moore, and SO many others.  The list goes on and on and on.  And while these cases shouldn't all be painted with the same brush, I can't help but notice that their common denominator is that they're all guys.  As are, by the way, all the mass shooting perps.  This is not a rant against men--some of my favorite people are men, obvs--but I can't help but think that if every single mass shooting and every single sexual assault were perpetrated by women, we wouldn't be allowed to own guns or be alone with anyone.
  4. I met another lesbian recently who made the observation that every lesbian she knows seems to have ill-behaved dogs.  This seems, to me, totally true.  Even the ones who didn't adopt rescues have bad dogs.  My erstwhile canine BFF, Scout, was a Good Dog Extraordinaire, but my DXH and I adopted her back when I was "straight," so her goodness was grandfathered in.
  5. Yesterday I learned a new vocabulary word that apparently "the kids these days" use: "extra."  From what I gather as a decidedly uncool thirtysomething, it basically means that a person is either (1) high maintenance (as in, "Dude, did you see her yell at him?  That woman is extra") or (2) trying way too hard (as in, "He turned in a 50-page paper and our assignment was 10 pages!  Talk about extra...").  But I don't know how to use it properly yet.  Like, can I say, "Stop being so extra?" Hmm.  It seems like blunting language is kind of a trend--e.g: "All the things," "All the feels," "I can't even."  I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but I do think it's interesting.  
  6. Can I just say that my mom now buys me pocket squares?  She'll be at Ross or something and literally send me a picture of a pocket square or a lapel pin and be like, "What do you think of this?  Would you wear it?"  Never in a zillion years would I have imagined that such a thing could happen.  It is so cool.  I can't even tell you how happy and validated this makes me feel.  
  7. I'm still gay.

Um, that's it.  Basically I just wanted to say hi.  Hi!  Happy Thanksgiving!!

6 Comments

Butch City Rankings from the LGQRF

4/1/2014

9 Comments

 
PictureWhere does YOUR city rank?
Starting in 2004, the Lesbian, Gay, and Queer Research Foundation (LGQRF), has been keeping track of queer sub-populations in the U.S.  They have ALL kinds of quantitative data, both about self-identity and lifestyle.  They don't list "butch" as a self-selected category, but do collapse several indicative variables together, including sporting activities, reading habits, car ownership, occupation, and more, and end up with a startlingly accurate picture of the butch population throughout the U.S. 

PictureOklahoma City: a secret butch mecca?
If you're like me, you're a little hesitant--after all, there a thousand ways to measure the "butchest" towns and cities: butches as a percentage of the queer population, butches as a percentage of the general population, or degree of butchness (that is, how "butch" are the butches there, even if there aren't very many of them?).  The GLQRF actually breaks it down in seven different ways, but I'm just going to highlight the top 5 in the categories I think are the most interesting.  (The GLQRF lists 50 in each, and that's just waaaay too many for me to include here.)

Butches as a percentage of the queer population
1. Sudbury, Massachusetts
2.
La Honda, California
3. Dixville Notch, New Hampshire
4. New York, New York
5. Sioux Falls, South Dakota

Butches as a percentage of the general population
1. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
2. Northampton, Massachusetts
3. Oakland, California
4. Provo, Utah
5.
Abilene, Texas

PictureApparently it's not just Portland's coffee that's hot...
Butchest Butches (without regard to # or % of butches)
1. Tracy, California
2. Highlands Ranch, Colorado
3. Friday Harbor, Washington
4. Mitchell, Nebraska
5. Lafayette, Louisiana

Least Butch Butches (without regard to # or % of butches)
1. Seaside Heights, New Jersey
2. Sunnyvale, California
3. Scarsdale, New York
4. Los Angeles, California
5. Frankfort, Kentucky

Most Attractive Butches
1. Portland, Oregon
2. Galena, Illinois
3. Greenville, South Carolina
4. North Decatur, Georgia
5. Eliot, Maine





Silliest
Butches
1. YOU, if you're still reading this.  April Fool's!  Heehee.  Hope you enjoyed scouring the fictitious stats above.  I just made 'em up!  Have a terrific day.  Love, BW

9 Comments

Sh*t Well-Meaning-But-Misguided People Say to Lesbians Without Kids

11/21/2013

11 Comments

 
Okay, I'm hesitating to post this because it makes me seem way more curmudgeonly than I actually (think I) am.  Oh well. 

I should also say that
at least for me, and maybe for other people, none of this applies if you're a close friend or close family member. 
It's more when acquaintances or (godfuhbid) strangers offer their advice that I blanch.
What you say: There are soooo many options for people who want kids!
What I hear: You're probably too stupid to figure this out, but you can procreate without having sex with a man!

What you say: But you'd be such a good parent!
What I think: I'd also be a good race car driver, occupational therapist, or professional shoeshiner.  Natural predilection does not a destiny make.

What you say: Some people are too selfish to have kids.
What I hear: You are selfish and shallow.  Unless you have kids.  In which case all is forgiven.  But I thought better of you.  Now you just make me sad.

What you say: You could always adopt!
What I think: No sh*t.

What you say: Lots of lesbians are having kids these days!
What I think: Lots of lesbians are also chain-smokers, alcoholics, drug users, glue-sniffers, head cases, doctors, truckers, and couch potatoes.  So?

What you (usually another lesbian) say: My mom didn't fully accept my partner and me until we had kids.  But now that she has grandkids, we're closer than ever.
What I hear: Your mother will never fully love you until you procreate.

What you say: There are SO many children out there who need good homes.
What I think: So why didn't you adopt instead of having biological kids?  Oh--you're scared you'll end up with a crack baby or a psychopath from a Russian orphanage who's never been held?  But I should go for it?  Thaaanks.

What you say: NO one thinks they want kids. Then they have them and they're glad they did.
What I think: Am I the only person in the world who's ever heard of cognitive dissonance?

What you say: Are you thinking of having a family?
What I think: So, me + DGF + slightly swollen canine ≠ "family?"  Screw you.

What you say: You haven't lived a full life unless you have kids.
What I hear: Your life is invalid.  There's only one way to redeem yourself, and it smells like diapers.

What you say: You may think you know what love is, but you don't really know what love is until you have kids.
What I hear: All your feelings are pathetic, shallow, and invalid--mere shadows of what they could have been.  Alas!

Okay, so I'm being melodramatic, but you get the idea.

I actually don't think the pressure is nearly as bad for lesbian and gay couples who don't want kids, as it is for straight couples who don't want kids.  People basically assume that opposite-sex couples are going to have kids, and that if they don't, it's because there's something biologically "wrong" with them.  Instead of just getting asked, "Do you think you'll have kids someday?", people will ask questions like, "Do you think you're going to...  start trying?" 

OMG.

11 Comments

Guess Who's Back?

11/16/2013

24 Comments

 
Well, folks, it's been nearly FIVE months since I talked to any of you.  But lest you thought I'd fallen off the face of the earth, I'm popping my butch little head up to say hello.  It's not that work has abated--goodness knows THAT hasn't happened--nor that I think I can write every day, or even every week.  Rather, I sort of thought I'd know when it was time for me to come back, even occasionally, and it's time.

In the spirit of re-acquainting ourselves, I'm going to list some things that have happened to me in the last five months.  Then YOU list a couple of things that have happened to YOU in the last five months.  Deal?

Okay, here's mine:
  • I travel to Boston.  I am there for less than 48 hours, and am addressed as "sir" three times.
  • My dog is diagnosed with a rare condition called "idiopathic abdominal effusion," which--from what I can tell--means, "Your dog swells up and we don't know why."  Expensive surgery and much ultrasounding ensues.  Prognosis remains unclear.
  • I get sick.  I recover fairly quickly.  I get sick.  I recover again.
  • I wear a pearl necklace.  Voluntarily.  In front of people.  Three different times.
  • I buy three suits.  Two are identical.  The third is identical to the first two, except it is grey instead of black.
  • My girlfriend (yep, my awesome DGF!) is awesome and supportive and rock-solid.  And a terrific cook.
  • In my current workplace, I am called "sir" twice when people just get a quick glimpse of me.  One of these people has known me for over a decade.  For reasons not entirely clear to me, I feel chagrined.
  • I spend one very long plane ride watching seven hours straight of Lifetime, wherein I am introduced to "Million Dollar Shoppers" (awful; I watched three episodes) and "Wife Swap" (omg). 
  • I order room service for the first time ever, and am instantly convinced that it's the world's greatest invention.  The same trip contains my second and third room service experiences.  Two of said room service experiences involve corned beef hash.
  • I attend my ex-husband's wedding.
  • I decide that the best possible way to prepare for an interview is to do an interpretive dance to Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" without a shirt on.
  • I am deeply disappointed by a friend.
  • I am deeply touched by the thoughtfulness and compassion of two other friends.
  • I read several excellent books, my favorites among which are Ali Liebegott's The IHOP Papers, Robin Sloan's Mr. Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore, and Haruki Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart.  Admittedly, I also read the third book in the "Divergent" series, and all three Girl With the Dragon Tattoo books.  Don't judge.
  • A chimney sweep and I have a 20-minute phone conversation about sexual orientation. 

So that's me in a nutshell.  I have lots, lots, lots more to say.  I'm officially back, although "back" may mean a once-a-month posting.  I don't know yet.  But I do know that I missed you.  I probably won't be back to answering emails or Facebook posts for a while, but I'll try to be in touch whenever I can!  :)

Your turn!  What's new with you guys?


24 Comments

How to Translate Butchspeak

4/14/2013

34 Comments

 
I just received a note from a reader who's having trouble communicating with her butch DGF ("dear girlfriend").  She asked if I could "translate" some common butch idioms.

One mistake many butch-lovers make is assuming that butches are just like the stereotypes they have of heterosexual men.  If you Google "what men really mean," you'll find hundreds of sites purporting to explain exactly this.  Let's leave aside for a moment the offensive nature of most of those articles, and assume for the sake of argument that there's some truth to them.  Even so, [non-male-identified] butches are not men, and "rules" of "understanding men" apply to us only sometimes.

It's impossible to write something like this without giant, whopping dollops of stereotype.  I figure I'll get flak for this, but I went ahead and made a list anyway.  I'll will be interested to learn whether any of it resonates with you.

IF A BUTCH SAYS:

"Nothing is wrong."

"I guess you could invite your friends."

"Are you tired?"

"I was not checking her out."

"Nah, she's not hot."


"I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

"I'm not looking to commit."

"I'm going to go take a walk."

"Fine."


"Sarah is so cool!"



"It's more romantic with the lights off."

"We should probably get going soon."

"I'll fix it later."

A BUTCH MEANS:

"I'm not ready to discuss it."

"But I wanted it to be just you and me!"

"Are we having sex tonight?"

"I'm embarrassed--can't you give me a pass this time?"

"Maybe she's hot, but you're the one I find attractive."

"I don't want to date you (but I might sleep with you)."

It could mean exactly that, or "I'm just not that into you."

"I am mad or sad, but I have to think about it alone for a while."

"Why are we still talking about this?"

"Maybe Sarah can be our friend." (Note: this is not the same as "I want to sleep with Sarah.")

"I'm self-conscious about my body too, you know!"

"I am faint with hunger and my stomach is digesting itself."

"I have no idea how to fix it, but I'll Google it in secret."

(Writing this, I realized that while I would like to think that I'm incredibly straightforward and literal practically to a fault, that's not always true...)

How about you?  Did any of these examples sound familiar?  What's some other "butchspeak" that needs to be translated?

34 Comments
<<Previous
    TWITTER
    FACEBOOK
    INSTAGRAM
    EMAIL ME
    Picture


    ​Blogs I Like

    A Butch in the Kitchen
    A Stranger in This Place
    Bookish Butch
    Butch on Tap
    Card Carrying Lesbian
    ​
    Chapstick Femme

    Effing Dykes
    Feral Librarian
    Lawyers, Dykes, and Money

    Mainely Butch
    Neutrois Nonsense
    Pretty Butch
       

    Categories (NOT up to date...  working on it)

    All
    Accessories
    Adventures
    Advice
    Bisexuality
    Blogging
    Books
    Butch Identity
    Cars
    Clothes
    Coming Out
    Community
    Dating
    Family
    Fashion
    Female Masculinity
    Fiction
    Friends
    Gaydar
    Gender
    Girlfriends
    Guest Posts
    Hair
    Health
    Humor
    Husbands
    Identity
    Interviews
    Intro
    Lgbt Community
    Lgbt Law
    Lgbt Relationships
    Lists
    Marriage
    Media
    Politics
    Polls
    Pride
    Pride Project
    Readers
    Relationships
    Religion
    Reviews
    Search Terms
    Shopping
    Silliness
    Social Change
    Ties
    Trans
    Work


    Archives

    May 2019
    February 2019
    September 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    March 2018
    November 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    April 2017
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011

    RSS Feed

 
  • Blog
  • Butch Store: Genderqueer Us
  • About
  • Contact