Last week, I returned to the age-old question of what butches should wear to interviews.  In a short poll, I posed the following hypothetical:

Imagine helping a butch lesbian decide what to wear for an entry-level professional interview (e.g., lawyer, consultant, finance, manager, gov't, professor, etc.). She usually wears men's clothes, but identifies and presents as female, though people sometimes accidentally call her "sir." She tells you, "I know the employers are kind of conservative, though I also know things are slowly changing. I'm a solid candidate but not a shoe-in. What should I wear?

I gave six choices and asked how to advise our butch professional wannabe:
#1: Fit in first, THEN change the system. Wear what other women there wear: makeup, heels, whatever you have to.
#2: Be yourself, but show you're willing to play the game. Wear only the women's stuff you're most comfortable in--skip the makeup and heels!
#3: Wear a combo to help you fit in a little--e.g., a plain women's suit, collared shirt, men's shoes.
#4: You like men's clothes; wear a men's suit and shirt and shoes, but no tie or other uber-masculine gear that'd alienate you from your interviewers.
#5: Men's clothes, including a tie. If they don't want you, you don't want to work there. If you can't get a job in the industry, it's not for you!
#6: As long as you wear something nice, clean, etc., it doesn't matter. People judge you for who you are, not what you wear.

Here are the results:

As you can see, I also calculated the average age for each response.  For a small survey, these age differences don't matter much, and goodness knows this isn't anything close to a representative sample (of the population overall, of butches, or even of BW readers), but it's interesting to think about. 

A few numbers that caught my eye, and possible explanations:

• The very youngest group gave what we might think of as the most "conservative" answer--wear all women's clothes, but only clothes in which you can be comfortable.  This surprised me, but then I thought that perhaps younger folks haven't been out long enough, and thus feel like they have to fit in more.  Or perhaps they're more aware of new, androgynous clothing that's technically "women's."  Not sure.  I do suspect, though, that in the general (mostly straight) population, it would be the older folks who think answer #2 makes the most sense. Hm, maybe I should survey them and find out.
• None of you thought that going in "full drag" (lipstick, heels, etc.) was the best option, which made me smile.
• For the most part, the spread of ages was pretty even for each answer--except one.  Answer #6 (that people judge you for who you are, not what you wear) was mostly given by people at the ends of the age spectrum--those in their 20s and those in their 50s.  Almost no 30- or 40-somethings gave this answer.  Cynically, I thought: the younger ones are still naive, and the older ones care less about fashion.  But maybe I'm wrong about all of this!

And finally, here's a sampling of the write-in comments:

Thanks for these great thoughts.  If you're trying to figure out how to break into the profession you want without compromising who you are, you are certainly not alone.

As you may have noticed, my blogging has slowed considerably.  I want to blog more--daily, actually--and have been prevented from doing this because I have to work part-time jobs in addition to my main job to make ends meet.

A friend of mine advised, "Dude, make Butch Wonders your part-time job."  I said, "That'd be great, but how?"  She said, "You have 2000 readers a day!  If each of them gave five bucks, Butch Wonders could be your part-time job for a year."

She's right. 

Dear readers, would you be willing to give a couple bucks to have a BW post every weekday?  You could think of it as buying me coffee and a cookie to say, "Thanks for writing this blog, yo.  I like it."  That's right--excellent freakin' blog entries from yours truly.  On a regular basis!   What fun!  And I could throw some prizes into the mix, too.

Here are a couple of polls to help me figure out exactly what to do:

Thanks for filling these out! 

Thrilled to be figuring out a way to bring you the best in lesbian blogging,
BW

I'm lucky enough to have a fabulous relationship with my mom.  We don't always perfectly understand each other, but we know each other better than almost anyone else knows us.  And I really wish I could be celebrating Mothers' Day with her today (albeit one of those arbitrary holidays that we celebrate largely because Hallmark tells us to--but that doesn't change the fact that it's a day we all think about moms). 

Anyway, in honor of Mothers' Day, I thought I'd combine Butch Wonders themes with mothering and pose the following questions to readers:

1. When you were a kid, did you think you'd be a mom?
   
2. Where were you when you came out to your mom (if you're out)?
   
3. What are two major traits you and your mom share?
   
4. What's something your mom taught you?
   
5. Name a mom you wish you could be with today (besides your own).
   
   

I'll go first.

1. No way!  I wanted--maybe, at the most--to be a dad.  To me, this meant going to work all day and not being involved in childcare.
2. At a PF Chang's.  We were out to lunch and I said, "Mom, I have something to tell you."  And then I burst into tears right in the middle of P.F. Chang's.  My mom asked, "Are you okay?  Are you going to die?  Do you have cancer?"  I shook my head.  "Is someone you love or I love about to die?"  I shook my head again.  She said, "Well, then whatever it is, it'll be okay."  Then we ate lemon chicken.  I think it took her some time to accept my sexual orientation, and maybe a little longer than that to accept my butchiness.  I guess "process" is a better word than "accept," because I've never felt "unaccepted" by my mom. And I've never regretted not being open as my "whole" self to her. After all, she's the one who taught me that it was not only okay but great(!) to be quirky and different from all the other kids.
3. Tenacity and creativity.
   
4. The importance of being a surVIVor, as she says--meaning persevering in the face of adversity.  When life throws her lemons, my mom does not get discouraged, nor does she "make lemonade."  Instead, she catches the lemons and stacks them into a pile, then uses the pile to get somewhere she'd rather be. Or she, like, makes a car out of lemons and drives away. She is pretty darned awesome.
5. My mom's mom.  She died many years ago.  I still think about her a lot. She was an amazing, philosophical, totally self-made woman.
   
   

How about you, dear readers?  What are your answers to some of these questions?

Just a quick post to announce that The Trevor Project won the poll, and 1/3 of the proceeds from Mad 4 Equality will be donated there.  Thanks for voting--I expect to post entry info in a day or two, and am super stoked about the tournament.  Stay tuned!

On a slightly different BW note, I wanted to apologize for being such a lax little blogger lately.  A couple different things have been going on, one of which involved me stepping off of a sidewalk onto uneven pavement and twisting my foot, causing a ligament to pull a chunk of bone off.  So I'm hobbling around on crutches and demanding things from my DGF, who is being a ridiculously wonderful sport about it. 

I'll try to pick up the pace, though, for your reading pleasure.  I miss you guys!  Love, BW

On a whim last week, I posted a question on my Facebook page: "What do butches do that bugs you?"  I invited anyone--butches, non-butches, whoever--to answer, and got over 200 responses from BW readers.

Responses varied, but some distinct themes emerged.  (To be clear, I'm not saying that butches have these traits--or that I'm not guilty of any!)

• Ignoring other butches.  Several butch readers said that they'd love to have more butch friends, but that other butches ignore them or are unresponsive when they reach out.  I've had this experience--but on the other hand, I've had the opposite, too (which is how I became such good friends with my buddy C).  Check out my post on butch-butch friendships.
• Too much time in the bathroom or on their hair.  [BW averts her eyes.]
  
• Dressing too sloppily.  One reader wrote, "I love butch girls but [it] bothers me it they wear their pants super baggy and walk around grabbing their crotch. It's disgusting when a man does it but when a sexy, beautiful butch woman does it it looks ridiculous."  Another reader opined that there are many butches "who think that tracksuit bottoms, a t-shirt and wearing the same deodorant as a 15 year old boy is acceptable first date attire."  No BW readers, I hope!  (Oh--and a few readers specifically mentioned that they've seen a lot of butches in bras that don't give them enough support.  That's no good.  If you wear a 38D, a $15 sports bra from Target doesn't cut it.)
  
• Excessive "swagger" or cockiness.  This was a big one, mentioned by more readers than any other trait.  One butch wrote that "super rude, cocky, puff-out-your-chest butch women irritate [her]."  Another said she disliked the "hyper-ego." she occasionally saw among butches.  I agree that arrogance--which is very different from confidence--is never attractive.  And I hate that so many people associate this kind of behavior with the word "butch!"
• Trying to police butchness.  This includes telling soft butches that they're not real butches and stating "rules" like, "You can't be butch if you have long hair" or "If you wear women's underwear, you're not butch."  What?  I acknowledge that it's hard to define "butch," but I believe that identity policing is rooted in insecurity.  (One butch reader wrote, "I hate when femmes think I'm too butch and butches think I'm too soft. Can't we just agree that I'm cute and will make your mom love me and make your dad wish I was his dyke-in-law?")
• Hating on butch-butch couples; hating on trans men; hating on bisexual women.  You don't have to understand (or even like) people who are different from you, but why not try to be kind to them?
• "Puffing up" when they see another butch.  Another big one.  When you pass a butch you don't know, there's no need to glare at her (or studiously ignore her), pull your girlfriend closer to you, and use your body language to let everyone know that it's "your" McDonald's.
• Being too butch.  Of all the critiques I read, this was the only one I really got annoyed at.  A handful of people wrote things like, "I know you wear guys' clothes, but don't overdo it," or "Stop wearing men's pants," or "I once knew someone that wore men's underwear! Can u imagine?"  (Uh, yes.  Yes, I can.)  This is another form of identity policing.  Please don't tell me the "right" way to be butch.  Geez.
  
• Being chauvinistic.  This garnered the second-largest number of complaints (right after the swagger/cockiness one).  Readers wrote that some butches want too much control in the relationship, or want to be "the guy" (or a hyperbolic, cartoon version of a guy, in any case), or expect "their woman" to wait on them, or belittle their girlfriends.  No one claimed that it happened often, but most said that when it did, it tended to be in the context of a butch-femme relationship.  One person wrote, "I don't want my Dapper Gentlelady... to save me, or treat me like I'm weaker or lesser than her...  Just because she has an impressive tie collection (no, seriously; it's something to behold) doesn't make her the 'man' in the relationship. There isn't a man here, just two equal women; one in a bow tie, the other in heels."
  
• Cheating or being a player.  (Most readers acknowledged that this isn't specific to butches; it's just that I asked about butches.  Maybe I would have gotten the same answer by asking about femmes.)
  
• Wearing dresses just because it's what's expected of them.  Readers weren't exactly "bothered" by this--more like "disheartened."  It made them sad to see butches conform to social norms when they clearly didn't want to (although readers also acknowledged that sure, some butches might feel comfortable in a dress).
• Not respecting their elders.  This quote summed it up: "I would like to hear less [sic] derogatory comments about older butches. I hear too often insults about their clothes, their mannerisms, and even their looks. I think we all forget the struggle they went through, coming out in a much less forgiving era. They essentially paved the path we all so 'gayly' walk now."
• Playing it too close to the vest.  Many people commented that butches seem more difficult than most to get to know.  They used phrases like "ultra protective of everything" or "not letting people know them."  Hmm...  I can certainly relate to the disinclination to make oneself vulnerable (once bitten, twice shy, and all that).
  

Whether there's truth in any of these is highly debatable.  But these are some stereotypes people hold, and I think it's worth knowing about them, engaging with them, and taking them seriously. 

For example, one straight reader (I LOVE that straight people read BW--you rock, straight readers!) wrote that in contrast to, say, gay men, she finds butches a little intimidating.  I was surprised at first--me?  But I appreciated her honesty.  And although, sure, I wish people didn't assume things about butches based on our appearance, it also reminded me that I might need to go out of my way sometimes to make myself approachable (I'm not suggesting that everyone needs to do this--it just matters to me personally).

Do any of these ring true?  Can it be productive to talk about them?