I got a question from a reader  wondering whether she should come out as bi: "Is it worth coming out as bisexual if you're not dating someone of the same gender?  Should I just wait until it's necessary to say?"

This is a great question--and one with which lots of bisexual people struggle. Ultimately, it's highly personal, and like any coming out question, the key isn't when it's "necessary" to anyone else; it's whether coming out is important to you. 

(<Btw, Kalinda Sharma on "The Good Wife" is the most interesting bisexual character on television, in my opinion.)  

Bisexuality can feel "invisible." When you're with someone of the opposite sex, people tend to assume you're straight; when you're with someone of the same sex, people tend to assume you're gay.  

I know it's not fair that people make these assumptions, but I admit that I do the same.  I know at least two out bisexual women who are married to men and have biological kids with them. They're living a "straight" life and are indistinguishable from other straight people. It's not that I'm "denying" their sexuality, just that I don't really think about people's sexuality beyond their current relationship unless they're talking to me about it, referring to a same-sex ex, or waving a Pride flag at me.

Here are a few things you might want to consider in your decision about whether to come out as bi:

• Some people don't like "passing" as straight when they're not. Will it bother you if people assume you're straight? Will you feel like you're "hiding" part of yourself?
• Some people prefer to pass as straight because it makes life easier with family, strangers, etc.  One bisexual woman told me, "Since I have a choice, I only date men. Why would I make my life harder than it needs to be?"  Does this resonate with you?
• Will it bother you if you're dating someone of the same gender and people assume you're gay?  Some people are bothered by this. Others prefer it, because they like being part of the queer community.  
• For some people it's important that their friends know who they "really" are. 
• People in social circles do talk about this stuff.  If you're out as bi, prospective dating partners of both sexes might feel free to express interest in you.  
• How long have you known that you're bi? 
• You don't have to come out to everyone at once.  You might come out to one or two very close friends and see how you feel.  You also don't need to come out in every setting.  For example, some people don't come out at work because they don't think it's important.
• If you haven't done so already, you might read some stuff about coming out as bisexual.  This will help you anticipate some of the comments/questions you might receive.  

Since this is a decision I've never had to make, I can't speak from personal experience.  But I can say that I much prefer being "out" as who I am over not being out as who I am.  

I know I have plenty of bisexual readers out there.  Any other advice you'd share?

First off: Caitlyn Jenner is a brave human being.  Anyone who has the courage to come out as something different--as something that others make fun of or ridicule or malign is brave.  It takes courage to be yourself whenever "yourself" isn't what most other people are.  

I've been increasingly bothered by the rhetoric surrounding Jenner's coming out, and about the precise nature of the ostensibly supportive comments I've been reading and hearing.  The ones that bother me most have come from well-meaning straight women in the public eye who talk about how beautiful Caitlyn is (true) and how courageous she is (also true), and who show a sudden empathy for the plight of all trans people (by which, frankly, they tend to mean trans women).   (Sidenote: I'm going to use the term "straight women" in this post to refer to a particular kind of straight woman that tends to: (1) embrace the gender binary (2) but support gay rights (3) but glare at me in the women's restroom.  You know the type.  If you're a straight woman who reads this blog all the time and doesn't look askance at butches in the restroom, please know that I'm not talking about you.)

It's not that Caitlyn Jenner doesn't deserve kudos and support--she certainly does!   But a significant chunk of the mainstream support I've seen seems to totally embrace gender norms.  If Caitlyn looked like, say, Rachel Maddow, I daresay that she would have fewer straight female supporters talking on podcasts and posting on Facebook pages about much they love and support her.   Nor, I suspect, would she have graced the cover of Vanity Fair.  I do not think Bruce Jenner coming out as a woman is the big draw.  I think the big draw is Bruce Jenner coming out as a woman of a certain kind--as a woman who embraces the type of femininity that fits neatly into the existing gender binary with which people are comfortable.  I don't think they're thinking, "Wow, this really complicates how I think about gender!"  I think they're thinking, "Wow, this gorgeous woman was trapped in a man's body!"

As a New York Times article astutely pointed out the other day, the brain-body distinction is not so clear. Here's an excerpt:

While young [Bruce Jenner] was being cheered on toward a university athletic scholarship, few female athletes could dare hope for such largess since universities offered little funding for women’s sports. When Mr. Jenner looked for a job to support himself during his training for the 1976 Olympics, he didn’t have to turn to the meager “Help Wanted – Female” ads in the newspapers, and he could get by on the $9,000 he earned annually, unlike young women whose median pay was little more than half that of men. Tall and strong, he never had to figure out how to walk streets safely at night.  Those are realities that shape women’s brains.

Which is true, at least to some extent.  To say that Jenner always had a "woman's brain" doesn't take into account that she had a man's social experiences--and that our experiences powerfully shape our brain chemistry, our pocketbooks, and our self-understandings.   Acknowledging this doesn't make Jenner any less of a woman (something the article really seems to miss).  But not acknowledging this minimizes the social experiences of cis women and girls, and reduces trans identity to a simple case of "wrong brain, wrong body."  Jenner had a certain set of experiences particular to her identity, and they should be respected in and of themselves.

Frankly, I'm also jealous.  I wish that straight women would embrace women who look like me with as much openness as I see them embracing Caitlyn Jenner.   In short, I wish that straight women's newfound "acceptance" of different versions of what it means to be a woman extended more broadly in my own direction, not just in Caitlyn's--that they would show so much love and support for women whose gender presentation and ideas of womanhood don't look like their own.