Hey, all.  It's been a minute.  What's happened since then?  Well, something in my work life exploded and I was hit by some metaphorical shrapnel and I've been recovering, plus hustling as much as I can to get myself back on track.  But don't think I haven't thought of you--I've totally thought of you.  Here is a partial list of Random Things.  Nothing would make me happier than to read in the comments one or two things that *you* have been thinking.

1. Thanksgiving is coming up.  I have a motley crew of wayward mostly-singles joining me and the wife this year, so that means we're cooking.  And by "we're cooking," I mean that she is telling me what to buy and I'm buying it, and then on Wednesday I will spend all day following orders like the obedient sous chef that I am.  It is super cool to be in a position to invite other people over for Thanksgiving who might not otherwise have a group of people with whom to hang.  (Notice that I don't say "who had no place to go."  Because some people want to hang out solo and read magazines and eat ice cream all day on Thanksgiving, which I think is an equally valid choice.)
2. I went to Whole Foods today and got all the stuff on the list and not only was it PACKED with super slow-moving people, but they all seemed to be sick.  Every last thirty dozen of them.  It was all I could do not to bean someone with a delicata squash.
3. Can we stop for a second and talk about MEN?  Holy crap.  Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Louis CK, Al Franken, Roy Moore, and SO many others.  The list goes on and on and on.  And while these cases shouldn't all be painted with the same brush, I can't help but notice that their common denominator is that they're all guys.  As are, by the way, all the mass shooting perps.  This is not a rant against men--some of my favorite people are men, obvs--but I can't help but think that if every single mass shooting and every single sexual assault were perpetrated by women, we wouldn't be allowed to own guns or be alone with anyone.
4. I met another lesbian recently who made the observation that every lesbian she knows seems to have ill-behaved dogs.  This seems, to me, totally true.  Even the ones who didn't adopt rescues have bad dogs.  My erstwhile canine BFF, Scout, was a Good Dog Extraordinaire, but my DXH and I adopted her back when I was "straight," so her goodness was grandfathered in.
5. Yesterday I learned a new vocabulary word that apparently "the kids these days" use: "extra."  From what I gather as a decidedly uncool thirtysomething, it basically means that a person is either (1) high maintenance (as in, "Dude, did you see her yell at him?  That woman is extra") or (2) trying way too hard (as in, "He turned in a 50-page paper and our assignment was 10 pages!  Talk about extra...").  But I don't know how to use it properly yet.  Like, can I say, "Stop being so extra?" Hmm.  It seems like blunting language is kind of a trend--e.g: "All the things," "All the feels," "I can't even."  I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but I do think it's interesting.  
6. Can I just say that my mom now buys me pocket squares?  She'll be at Ross or something and literally send me a picture of a pocket square or a lapel pin and be like, "What do you think of this?  Would you wear it?"  Never in a zillion years would I have imagined that such a thing could happen.  It is so cool.  I can't even tell you how happy and validated this makes me feel.  
7. I'm still gay.

Um, that's it.  Basically I just wanted to say hi.  Hi!  Happy Thanksgiving!!

Last week, I returned to the age-old question of what butches should wear to interviews.  In a short poll, I posed the following hypothetical:

Imagine helping a butch lesbian decide what to wear for an entry-level professional interview (e.g., lawyer, consultant, finance, manager, gov't, professor, etc.). She usually wears men's clothes, but identifies and presents as female, though people sometimes accidentally call her "sir." She tells you, "I know the employers are kind of conservative, though I also know things are slowly changing. I'm a solid candidate but not a shoe-in. What should I wear?

I gave six choices and asked how to advise our butch professional wannabe:
#1: Fit in first, THEN change the system. Wear what other women there wear: makeup, heels, whatever you have to.
#2: Be yourself, but show you're willing to play the game. Wear only the women's stuff you're most comfortable in--skip the makeup and heels!
#3: Wear a combo to help you fit in a little--e.g., a plain women's suit, collared shirt, men's shoes.
#4: You like men's clothes; wear a men's suit and shirt and shoes, but no tie or other uber-masculine gear that'd alienate you from your interviewers.
#5: Men's clothes, including a tie. If they don't want you, you don't want to work there. If you can't get a job in the industry, it's not for you!
#6: As long as you wear something nice, clean, etc., it doesn't matter. People judge you for who you are, not what you wear.

Here are the results:

As you can see, I also calculated the average age for each response.  For a small survey, these age differences don't matter much, and goodness knows this isn't anything close to a representative sample (of the population overall, of butches, or even of BW readers), but it's interesting to think about. 

A few numbers that caught my eye, and possible explanations:

• The very youngest group gave what we might think of as the most "conservative" answer--wear all women's clothes, but only clothes in which you can be comfortable.  This surprised me, but then I thought that perhaps younger folks haven't been out long enough, and thus feel like they have to fit in more.  Or perhaps they're more aware of new, androgynous clothing that's technically "women's."  Not sure.  I do suspect, though, that in the general (mostly straight) population, it would be the older folks who think answer #2 makes the most sense. Hm, maybe I should survey them and find out.
• None of you thought that going in "full drag" (lipstick, heels, etc.) was the best option, which made me smile.
• For the most part, the spread of ages was pretty even for each answer--except one.  Answer #6 (that people judge you for who you are, not what you wear) was mostly given by people at the ends of the age spectrum--those in their 20s and those in their 50s.  Almost no 30- or 40-somethings gave this answer.  Cynically, I thought: the younger ones are still naive, and the older ones care less about fashion.  But maybe I'm wrong about all of this!

And finally, here's a sampling of the write-in comments:

Thanks for these great thoughts.  If you're trying to figure out how to break into the profession you want without compromising who you are, you are certainly not alone.

I've been hesitating to write this entry because I don't know whether to make it instructional or confessional.  Perhaps it is neither.

A few months ago, I was gearing up for a series of interviews in a very conservative (socially, not politically) industry.  I was planning to wear my dark grey men's suit with the lovely, unstructured shoulders, complete with a purple checked tie.  But one of my mentors got to me first (not you, CB).  I should add that this woman is queer, in case that matters to you.  I'll call her "MP" for "Mentor Person."  This conversation occurred:

MP: So...  You're not going to wear men's clothes to the interviews, are you?
BW: ...
MP: Look, you want a job, right?
BW: Right, but at what cost?
MP: Look, when you're at my level, you can wear what you want.  But at this point, you want a job.  You want to convey that you're like everyone else.  And you don't want the interviewers thinking about your clothes.
BW: I don't care if they think about my clothes.
MP: Yes, you do.  You don't want them staring at you thinking, "Is she wearing men's underwear?"
BW: I'll just walk in, wink, and tell them, "Nope."
MP: No to the men's underwear?
BW: No to the men's underwear!  Well... today, anyway.

Okay, so then MP--who, let me stress, is someone I trust and who is invested in my professional success--tells me her hypothesis about gender conformity and clothing.  Basically, she says that there are four components to a professional outfit:
1. Shirt
2. Something over the shirt, like a blazer or jacket or sweater
3. Pants
4. Shoes

MP's theory is that of these items, at least two need to be from the women's department so as not to attract undue attention/speculation/consternation.  She tried, unsuccessfully, to get me to order a "shell" shirt from L.L. Bean or one of those other places.  I told her I thought it was absurd.  I resisted.  I argued.

And then I gave in--partly. 

On my way home that day, I stopped at Macy's and tried on approximately 15 women's suits.  I do not like women's suits because they tend to lack pockets, to have too-short jackets, and to be cut in weird ways that make my hips look extra hipp-y and my boobs look extra boob-y.  Finally, I found one that was relatively inoffensive, except that the jacket was a little too short.  Whatever.  I bought two, in black, plus a women's Ralph Lauren shirt that was lovely and purple and striped and devoid of girlish frills.  (Not a "shell" or--God forbid--a "camisole"--I'm talking about a regular collared shirt.)  I took a picture of myself in the new getup and sent it to MP.  Her response: "Don't you think it's a little narcissistic to send me pictures of yourself?" 

Ha.  From MP, that's approval. 

The next day, unprompted, MP loaned me actual, real pearls, because she said rich people can tell the difference between real pearls and fake pearls and I was likely to encounter people who had grown up wealthy.  I am extremely skeptical of pearls, but since these were small and looked shockingly non-dowdy with my new, very sharp shirt, I went for it.

So according to MP's formula I was more than sufficiently girly: pants, suit jacket, shirt.  Three out of four!  (There was no way in hell I was going to wear women's shoes.)  Plus pearls!

Looking in the mirror the day of my interviews, I realized that there was still no way anyone would mistake me for straight: my ever-present tiny silver hoops, very short haircut, and men's shoes gave me away.  Even with pearls, I didn't look feminine, but at least I was closer to Ellen's look than to Lea DeLaria's.  (Point of clarification: I like Lea DeLaria and her look; I'm not knocking it, just saying that I didn't want to embody it that day.) 

Among the sea of other interviewees, I was still by far the least gender-conforming person.  I might as well have been wearing a rainbow sticker on my forehead.  Still, the cut of my suit allowed me to look conforming enough for interviewers not to dismiss me, and masculine enough that I felt comfortable.  In fact, I felt like quite the powerful dyke.

Did I "betray" my butchness by wearing a lady-suit?  Maybe.  Would I have been more "true" to myself in a men's suit and tie?  Maybe.  But at the same time, I thought carefully about the degree of "compromise" I was willing to make, and what I was and wasn't willing to sacrifice to fit in.  More gender conformity would have gone over better with interviewers, I suspect.  Still, I have to admit that I felt proud of finding a balance that worked for me in this particular situation, and grateful to MP for giving me the heads-up that I needed to make a few changes if I wanted to be in the ballpark.

As you can tell, I'm still wrestling with it.  I loathe the idea of compromising to "fit in."  But I also loathe the idea of not getting the job I want because I was too stubborn to take off my damn tie.  At least for me, being butch is partly about being true to myself, and partly about finding a balance that will let me be myself while accomplishing what I want to accomplish.  (And finally getting some power, so that I can not only put my own tie back on, but hire plenty of other tie-wearing women when I'm the one making the decisions.)

I bet some of you can relate to this.  For those of you in industries where you're likely to be punished for gender non-conformity, what do you do?  What kinds of balance have you found, and how has it worked?

A few months ago, I put this question to readers:  What is your butch "style?"  How is it different (if it's different) from being a man?

One reader emailed me such a thorough answer that I've decided to feature it as its own post.  If you have a take on butch style that you think is blog-worthy and you want to share with the world, email me and I just might feature it here!

This answer comes from BT:

I have been trying to define my butch style or what it means to be butch for  me for awhile now. This is what I’ve come up with.
 
1.      Dapperness
Once I came out and finally felt comfortable in my own skin I really started having this desire to be dapper. Which I guess I always had it because I realize now I projected it onto my ex-husband, dressing him how I really wanted to but didn’t feel like I could. I love ties. Regular ties, bow ties, ties with intricate knots. Vests, suspenders, wingtips, cufflinks, 40’s style hats and pinstripes…love them. Some day when I can afford it, I will have a suit made by Saint Harridan. To me, being dapper is butch.

2.      Ruggedness (Country)
This could be seen as the opposite of dapper but it’s totally possible to be both. For me, ruggedness is butch.I am country at heart and to me these things are country and butch. 1) Working hard. I know you can work hard at a lot of things but I mean the being outside in 115 degree weather, digging irrigation trenches, putting up fences, plowing fields kind of working hard. 2) Trucks. That is, liking trucks, fixing trucks, and 4-wheeling in trucks. 3) Hunting, Fishing, Camping. There’s something about being out in the wilderness that really seems to bring out the butch. In addition, gutting and skinning animals, playing with fire and whittling.  Along with those things… 4) Guns, knives, weapons of any sort. 5) Flannel, thermal, and big boots. Butch lumberjack without a beard. 6) Tools. Knowing what more than your basic tools are and how to use them. 7) Coors Light.

3.      Other Stuff
Some other things that I feel are butch: 1) Smoking pipe tobacco and cigars. 2) Epic war movies. 3) Demonstrating gentlemanly behavior like opening doors and pulling out chairs. 4) Death metal. 5) Leather working. 6) Wood working. 7) My LazyBoy. 8) Being a romancer.

4.      Butch Femininity
With all the masculine butch stuff aside, butch femininity. For me (and my lady) this is the most important ingredient. Without the butch femininity I’d just be a man. 1) Feminine intuition. Because of this I better know what’s going on with my lady. I see what she wants, know how to meet her needs, and can quickly tell when something is off or wrong. 2) My lady heart. All rough and tough on the outside but inside is a tender feminine heart with a great capacity to love in a way that only a woman can.  3) Sensitivity. 4) In a lot of ways I still think and feel like a woman so really being butch is the best of both worlds combined.

So there it is as best as I can describe at this juncture.
BT
 

...Do you agree with all of this, dear readers? 
What defines your butch style?

This is a mite tardy, but I hope it will help you find the perfect last-minute gift for your butch friends/partners/family.  (And yes, there's still plenty of time to get free 2-day shipping on Amazon, so YAY.)

Some of these items are from my own wish list, but most are suggestions from BW readers.  Enjoy, and feel free to post your own ideas in the comments!

What's on your wish list, butches?  For a few more ideas, check out the Butch Store.  Good luck with your last-minute shopping!