A few years ago, I attended a professional graduate school at a good university.  Recently, an acquaintance asked me how diverse my 200-person class was.

“Hmmm…  I think I was literally the only lesbian,” I said.  

“But there were lots of LGBT people, right?” my acquaintance asked.  And then she named seven or eight gay men who had, indeed, been in my class.  

In the moment, I murmured something like, “Oh, yeah that’s right.”  But internally, I raised an eyebrow.  Not only were these all men, but they were gender-conforming men, men who went to fancy prep schools, men who use “summer” as a verb and net annual salaries I could live off for a decade.

But in my acquaintance’s mind, we were all people who slept with people of the same sex; we all checked the LGBT box.  We were all undeniably, certifiably, and irrevocably queer.  So why did I blanch being lumped in with these gentlemen?  (BTW, I know a few of them personally, and they truly are great guys.)

I think it’s because the things that made me feel alienated in graduate school did not have much to do with my attraction to women.  In the upper echelons of this particular profession, no one cares who I carouse with or wake up beside.  The things that made me feel alienated were, in order of their significance:
(1) social class
(2) gender nonconformity
(3) persistent lack of interest in making lots of money

The Nice Gay Men (NGM) of whom my acquaintance spoke shared none of these traits.  Yet these are the traits that made me different from my peers, that let me bring a distinct perspective to the classroom, and that will continue to shape my voice in the future. But to the admissions committee, we all looked similar: white homosexuals with good grades from well-regarded undergraduate institutions.  

(Obviously, lots of other kinds of diversity are important: race, disability, religion, ethnicity, and others.  I’m just focusing on one kind here, which isn’t intended to negate the importance of these other kinds, nor of the intersections of these other kinds of diversity with queerness.)

I’m not suggesting that the NGM’s experience of LGBT life is somehow less “valid” than my own, nor that I embody “diversity” in a way that the NGM do not.  But there was something ironic about being categorized with them, since they embodied precisely the traits that seemed so apparently lacking in me: wealth, gender conformity, a lucrative career path.

I bring all of this up mostly to ask the following: when we say that we are striving for diversity, what is it we’re really striving for?  People whose experiences somehow bring different “perspectives?”  Maybe.  But how do we measure that on a form?  Do we want people who were statistically unlikely to end up in the application pool?  Do we prize phenotypical diversity?  Do we simply want the folks with the highest grades and test scores?  And in achieving any of these types of diversity, what role should (and does) queerness play?

Butches aren't the only ones who dole out gratuities, of course but since we all aspire to be paragons of mannerly charm (RIGHT??), let's make sure we do it correctly.

Tipping practices vary throughout the world; I'll focus on the US and let my international readers weigh in about customs elsewhere.

1. Situations where you'll look like a jerk if you don't tip:

• At bars: $1 per beer/wine; $2 for a fancy drink.  Or if you're paying with a credit card, 15-20% is fine.
  
• At restaurants: 15-20% is standard.  People vary on whether this is pre-tax or post-tax.  I insist it's the latter, but my DGF says I overtip.
• At a haircut: 15-20% is normal. 
  
• After a massage: Most people give a solid 20% for a massage, though I have no idea why this should be different from a haircut.
  
• When a parking valet gets your car for you: I've seen people go as low as $1 and as high as $5.  I usually do $3.
• Hotel maid or housekeeper: $2 per night, plus $1 for each additional person.  (I actually didn't know this one for a loooong time, but in my  defense, I almost never have people make up my room.)
• At the end of a cab ride: 10-15% of the total fare.  Like restaurant servers, they especially appreciate tips in cash.
• Tattoo artists: 15-20%, assuming they didn't spell your girlfriend's name wrong.
• Food delivery person: $2-4 (optional if there's a delivery charge).
• House cleaner: $10 per cleaning is good.
  

2. Situations in which tipping is optional:

• A coffee shop tip jar: If they are really nice, cheerfully answering your pain-in-the-ass questions about the origin of the chocolate in the mocha, put in a buck.  If they're passably pleasant, I usually put in my change.  But you're certainly not obligated.
• At the dry cleaner: It's unusual to tip in cash there, but if you have a miracle-performing dry cleaner who gets BBQ sauce out of your $500 Robert Graham shirt, a bottle of wine is nice.
• At buffets: Particularly if someone takes your drink order, $1 per person at the table.
• Babysitters: Most people don't tip sitters (though in my book, tipping someone who takes care of your kids isn't a bad idea).  But most people do round up to the nearest $5 or $10--e.g., if the tab is $38, pay $40.
  
• When you drop off your car with a parking valet: Not necessary, but a good idea if you'll need your car in a hurry (a tip will often give you a good/close parking spot, making your car easy to retrieve).
• Movers: If you hire people to help you move, and they don't break anything, consider handing each mover $20 at the end of the job.
  

3. Situations in which you should really not tip:

• At a movie theater
• Your doctor or therapist's office
• After a really good date
• Paying your phone bill
  
• When you are stopped for speeding
  

Bonus Q&A Tipping Tips:

Q: What if my server sucks, gets my order wrong, is rude, etc?
A: Suck it up and give the lowest polite amount possible, which is 15% of the bill's total before tax.  A few reasons for this: (1) You don't know why they're lousy.  Maybe it's their first day.  Maybe their dog was just diagnosed with terminal liver cancer.  Who knows.  (2) If you stiff the server, you're also stiffing everyone with whom the server shares tips: hostess, busboy, etc.

Q: So if I use a coupon, I still just tip on the total bill, right?
A: No!  You tip on the full amount, as if there was no discount.   

Q: So if I get something suuuper cheap, I still just tip 15-20%, right?
A: Technically, I guess you're justified.  But if you order less than other tables, add a few extra bucks.  If I go to a busy cafe at lunchtime and take up a whole table just to drink coffee, I'll usually leave $5.

What other questions do you have about tipping?  Any awkward tipping situations/stories you'd like to share?  Put it in the comments!

After reading my Guide to Having Your Lesbian Daughter Home for the Holidays, my mom (whom I did not realize reads my blog pretty regularly --how rad is that?) mentioned that having one's dyke progeny home is not always a walk in the park, either.  Even if they want to be fully accepting and supportive, our families don't always know how.  So my mom and I have collaborated on this list of how we lesbian daughters can do our part to make family time as joyous (or tolerable, depending on your family) as possible.  

1. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Yes, family psychology is complicated, but with few exceptions, your family members aren't actively trying to hurt you or be jerky about things.  If someone says something that could be reasonably interpreted in an unfavorable light or a favorable one, try hard to do the latter.
2. Be gracious when people give you dumb gifts.  This applies to all gift recipients, but since gender nonconforming folks are especially likely to receive gifts that strike us as ridiculous, we should brace ourselves.  Yes, those pink socks Grandma gives us probably will go unworn.  But Grandma doesn't need to know that.  A gracious, "Thank you so much for the gift" goes a long way.  You don't have to like a gift to thank someone for giving you a gift.  (Later, you can trade with your closeted gay male cousin, who got the navy blue ones.)
3. If possible, TRY to ignore the gender essentialism that is likely to abound.  Yes, in many families, people WILL give the dolls to the girls and the trucks to the boys.  And yes, this reinforces binary notions of gender that abound in society, were harmful to many of us, and (I would argue) are harmful to society more generally.  But before or after the holidays, ideally in one-on-one conversations with people, is the best time to bring this up.  There's no need to make Christmas morning uncomfortable by exaggerated sighs and eye-rolling when little Suzie opens her Barbies.  
4. Don't automatically assume that conservative family members don't support gay rights.  This one is hard for me, since gay rights is not "just another issue" to me, and I view it as an insult to my personhood when someone votes for someone who does not support gay rights.  But not all conservatives feel this way.  Many, especially those with a more libertarian bent, are gay rights supporters.  
5. Talk to whoever you're closest to ahead of time if you have concerns.  For example, plan a mid-day walk to "debrief" and check in with your sister, mom, son, or whoever "gets" you best.
6. Be an educator, if the opportunity arises.  The other day at brunch, a straight friend offhandedly said something that I'm SURE he didn't mean to be dismissive--something along the lines of, gay marriage has made huge strides, people's opinions are really changing, etc.  I said something like, "I totally agree with that.  At the same time, I'm not sure marriage is our biggest fight right now--I'd be really happy if gays couldn't be fired in most states for their sexual orientation."  My friend was surprised about this, since these things are rarely publicized in the media, and this led into an interesting conversation about the best ways to effect social change.  I was proud of my response, because I managed not to deny his blithe "social change is inevitable" attitude, but at the same time, I let him know that I see his view of gay rights as rosy and unrealistically ideal.  
7. Help out around the house.  Doing stuff you don't feel like doing is a nice way to show that you're still "into" the family. 
   
8. Realize that people DO change.  Try to see when people's attitudes ARE changing…  and if they are, try (as best you can) not to hold them too accountable for things they said five or six or 15 years ago.  Seriously, people change.  
9. Realize that yes, certain things are going to be a little bit weird.  In some families, there's an adjustment period--and it can last *years*. A lot of parents go through this "mourning" period, where they spend a lot of time thinking about how different your life is going to be from how they thought your life would be.  You don't have to understand why this is, and you don't have to like it.  But you should know that your coming out affected other people, not just you.
10. Dress nicely.  Even if family members are made uncomfortable by your gender-nonconforming wardrobe, at least they know you care.
11. Warn your significant other about your crazy homophobic uncle ahead of time.  In general, it's not a bad idea to warn people about other people's trigger points.  (The exception: any sadistic and/or passive-aggressive family members who will then make SURE to bring up these points.)
12. Don't assume that people will automatically know how to make you comfortable.  I know this may sound silly to you, since you're used to being around people of all kinds of different orientations and gender expressions, but genderqueerness really throws some straight people off their game.  If there's something they can make you do to make you feel more welcomed, tell them!  They may or may not say yes to your request to avoid gendered pronouns, bring some friends with you, stop using a childhood nickname, or call your girlfriend your "partner."  But then again, they might.  The important thing is that you're communicating; even if they don't pick up on stuff right away, at least they understand you a little bit better.
13. Show that you're willing to talk about gay things, and that your life isn't taboo (well, unless it is).  For example, your mom might not know that it's okay to ask you about your dating life, or to talk to you about whether you want to have kids someday.  You can open the conversation by mentioning these things offhandedly yourself.  Or you can even say something like, "Hey, I used to be sensitive about personal stuff when I first came out, but I just want you to know that you can ask me whatever you want about my life and it doesn't bug me.  If something is uncomfortable, I'll tell you."  (If they say something absurd, like, "I don't want to hear about your sinful homosexual lifestyle," they don't deserve to know anything about your awesome self.)
14. Take care of yourself.  If that means staying at a hotel, getting quiet time, taking a walk by yourself, sitting something out, do it.  Your mental health is pretty darn important.
    
15. Realize that, by and large, we are all doing the best we can.

This is a mite tardy, but I hope it will help you find the perfect last-minute gift for your butch friends/partners/family.  (And yes, there's still plenty of time to get free 2-day shipping on Amazon, so YAY.)

Some of these items are from my own wish list, but most are suggestions from BW readers.  Enjoy, and feel free to post your own ideas in the comments!

What's on your wish list, butches?  For a few more ideas, check out the Butch Store.  Good luck with your last-minute shopping!

We know they love us dearly and want to make us feel comfortable...  but sometimes they need a little help, amirite?  Here are some do's and don'ts for our well-intentioned straight fams.

DO: Going to buy gifts for your lesbian daughter, but don't know what she'd like?  Stick with her list, even if it includes things from the men's department.
DO NOT: Insist on buying her stuff from the women's department if she does not usually buy stuff in the women's department.  (If you claim that the socks/sweatshirts/shoes are "just like men's," then you shouldn't care what department you buy them in...  Right?)
BONUS TIP: All lesbians love gift certificates.  And money.  And puppies.

DO: Include her partner in everything, just as you would if her partner was male. 
DO NOT: Introduce her partner or girlfriend as her "friend."
BONUS TIP: Not sure whether to use "partner" or "girlfriend?" Ask ahead of time.

DO: Avoid  contentious political discussion.
DO NOT: Turn on Fox News, no matter how badly you want to watch it.  They sometimes say hostile things about The Gays, which will make your dyke kid annoyed, angry, and/or uncomfortable.
BONUS TIP: This goes for conservative talk radio, too.

DO: Feel free to ask if she's dating anyone.
DO NOT: Ask, "Are you keeping an open mind about dating men?"
BONUS TIP: If a great-aunt asks her, "Have you met a nice man yet?" gently "remind" her: "Actually, Aunt Marge, Suzy dates women, not men." 

DO: Carry on with church attendance, if that's part of what you like to do.  And invite your daughter--don't assume that she's not religious anymore. 
DO NOT: Pressure her.  Some of us have a complicated relationship with religion.  We might not feel comfortable with the folks at church, the church itself, or some aspect of it.  Please respect this. 
BONUS TIP: Declining to attend church with you doesn't mean we're not religious or don't believe in God.  Attending church with you doesn't mean we're religious, or that we identify with the church's religion.

DO: Group gift exchanges, if you like.
DO NOT:Make them  gender-specific gift exchanges (e.g., women bring a "women's gift," men bring a "men's gift," exchanges happen within gender groups).  For the gender-atypical among us, that can just underscore the fact that we're not exactly like everyone else, making us feel out of place.
BONUS TIP: Nice scarves, coffee tumblers, a Kindle, a temperature station, or a unisex watch are all terrific gender-neutral gifts.

DO: Compliment your daughter on her appearance, if the compliment is genuine--e.g., "That color looks great on you," or "Those are cool shoes!"
DO NOT: Use a compliment as a back-handed way to get your sapphic offspring to be more gender-conforming or conventional--e.g., "Your hair looks really nice now that you've grown it out a little."

And if you want to be really supportive, wear an awesome shirt like this one.

What else would you add to this list?  What makes you feel comfortable (or uncomfortable) when you're home for the holidays?