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BW Readers and Their Dogs!

5/28/2014

3 Comments

 
Wow, dear readers--I can't thank you enough for the outpouring of love, good wishes, and virtual hugs you've sent me since my last post.  I really am touched.  I miss my dog terribly, and know I will for a long time, but it's heartening to see all the puppy love happening in the wide, wide world.  Here are all the (nearly 100) photos readers sent in!  (I think this is all of them, but if I somehow missed yours, let me know.)  Enjoy the gallery!
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World's smallest dog
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One of my favorite readers as a little boy with his dog. (This little boy has grown into one of the most loving, intelligent, and interesting guys I know! I love ya, DP!)
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Ceci n'est pas un chat.
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Some awesome dog gymnastics.
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No, don't push the puppy into the water!
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FORCING their dog to sleep on a RAINBOW pillow!? See, this is why the gays shouldn't be allowed to adopt. This poor dog might even end up GAY!
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SO cute, aren't they??  And the dogs aren't half bad, either.  ;) 

Seriously, all: thank you.  It means a lot.

3 Comments

My Dog Died and I Am Sad

5/23/2014

11 Comments

 
It's been a rough few months.  

I didn't get the job.  I know I should be happy to be employed at all, but it's still a big disappointment.  I worked really hard for it.

Worse, my dog died a week ago yesterday.  I miss her SO MUCH. 
My awesome terrier mutt was my constant companion and confidante for the past nine years.  She was with me through divorce, coming out, and more.  She had a wonderful life with me, and then with me and my DGF, but it was too short and I'm angry and sad and left with a staggering amount of debt for the treatments we gave her for her rare, aggressive form of liver cancer.  She was worth every penny, but that doesn't make the debt go away--it just makes it feel worse in the wake of my canine soulmate's death. 

Missing your dog and being depressed about debt and getting rejected for stuff you very much want is weird and lonely and isolating. 

Wow, this is not only a depressing blog entry, but a boring one.  I'll tell you what might make me feel better.  Send me a picture of you (any BW reader, butch, femme, male, female, straight, bi, whatever) and a dog.  And I will put all the pictures on the blog.  And maybe those pictures will cheer me up.
11 Comments

Suits Were Purchased.  Pearls Were Worn.

5/9/2014

11 Comments

 
I've been hesitating to write this entry because I don't know whether to make it instructional or confessional.  Perhaps it is neither.

A few months ago, I was gearing up for a series of interviews in a very conservative (socially, not politically) industry.  I was planning to wear my dark grey men's suit with the lovely, unstructured shoulders, complete with a purple checked tie.  But one of my mentors got to me first (not you, CB).  I should add that this woman is queer, in case that matters to you.  I'll call her "MP" for "Mentor Person."  This conversation occurred:

MP: So...  You're not going to wear men's clothes to the interviews, are you?
BW: ...
MP: Look, you want a job, right?
BW:
Right, but at what cost?
MP: Look, when you're at my level, you can wear what you want.  But at this point, you want a job.  You want to convey that you're like everyone else.  And you don't want the interviewers thinking about your clothes.
BW: I don't care if they think about my clothes.
MP: Yes, you do.  You don't want them staring at you thinking, "Is she wearing men's underwear?"
BW: I'll just walk in, wink, and tell them, "Nope."
MP: No to the men's underwear?
BW: No to the men's underwear!  Well... today, anyway.

Okay, so then
MP--who, let me stress, is someone I trust and who is invested in my professional success--tells me her hypothesis about gender conformity and clothing.  Basically, she says that there are four components to a professional outfit:
1. Shirt
2. Something over the shirt, like a blazer or jacket or sweater
3. Pants
4. Shoes

MP's theory is that of these items, at least two need to be from the women's department so as not to attract undue attention/speculation/consternation.  She tried, unsuccessfully, to get me to order a "shell" shirt from L.L. Bean or one of those other places.  I told her I thought it was absurd.  I resisted.  I argued.

And then I gave in--partly. 

On my way home that day, I stopped at Macy's and tried on approximately 15 women's suits. 
I do not like women's suits because they tend to lack pockets, to have too-short jackets, and to be cut in weird ways that make my hips look extra hipp-y and my boobs look extra boob-y.  Finally, I found one that was relatively inoffensive, except that the jacket was a little too short.  Whatever.  I bought two, in black, plus a women's Ralph Lauren shirt that was lovely and purple and striped and devoid of girlish frills.  (Not a "shell" or--God forbid--a "camisole"--I'm talking about a regular collared shirt.)  I took a picture of myself in the new getup and sent it to MP.  Her response: "Don't you think it's a little narcissistic to send me pictures of yourself?" 

Ha.  From MP, that's approval. 

The next day, unprompted, MP loaned me actual, real pearls, because she said rich people can tell the difference between real pearls and fake pearls and I was likely to encounter people who had grown up wealthy.  I am extremely skeptical of pearls, but since these were small and looked shockingly non-dowdy with my new, very sharp shirt, I went for it.

So according to MP's formula I was more than sufficiently girly: pants, suit jacket, shirt.  Three out of four!  (There was no way in hell I was going to wear women's shoes.
)  Plus pearls!

Looking in the mirror the day of my interviews, I realized that there was still no way anyone would mistake me for straight: my ever-present tiny silver hoops, very short haircut, and men's shoes gave me away.  Even with pearls, I didn't look feminine, but at least I was closer to Ellen's look than to Lea DeLaria's.  (Point of clarification: I like Lea DeLaria and her look; I'm not knocking it, just saying that I didn't want to embody it that day.) 


Among the sea of other interviewees, I was still by far the least gender-conforming person.  I might as well have been wearing a rainbow sticker on my forehead.  Still, the cut of my suit allowed me to look conforming enough for interviewers not to dismiss me, and masculine enough that I felt comfortable.  In fact, I felt like quite the powerful dyke.

Did I "betray"
my butchness by wearing a lady-suit?  Maybe.  Would I have been more "true" to myself in a men's suit and tie?  Maybe.  But at the same time, I thought carefully about the degree of "compromise" I was willing to make, and what I was and wasn't willing to sacrifice to fit in.  More gender conformity would have gone over better with interviewers, I suspect.  Still, I have to admit that I felt proud of finding a balance that worked for me in this particular situation, and grateful to MP for giving me the heads-up that I needed to make a few changes if I wanted to be in the ballpark.

As you can tell, I'm still wrestling with it.  I loathe the idea of compromising to "fit in."  But I also loathe the idea of not getting the job I want because I was too stubborn to take off my damn tie.  At least for me, being butch is partly about being true to myself, and partly about finding a balance that will let me be myself while accomplishing what I want to accomplish.  (And finally getting some power, so that I can not only put my own tie back on, but hire plenty of other tie-wearing women when I'm the one making the decisions.)

I bet some of you can relate to this.  For those of you in industries where you're likely to be punished for gender non-conformity, what do you do?  What kinds of balance have you found, and how has it worked?
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Ten Summer Must-Haves for Butches

5/5/2014

1 Comment

 
May is here and long, warm days are just around the corner!  Here are 10 items that should be in every butch's summer arsenal:
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The Perfect Baseball Cap

Whether it's sunny out or you just don't feel like brushing your hair, caps are crucial.  Kangols are my favorite: great colors, cute kangaroo.  They use Flexfits, which are comfy, resilient, and won't lose their shape, especially the wool ones.
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Amer. Apparel Hoodie

I own Asphalt and in Imperial Purple, and love 'em so much I'm considering a brighter color for summer (these come in 31 colors!).  USA-made and thin that it's perfect post-swimming or on cool summer nights.
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Drymax Crew Socks

Drymax Run Mini Crew are awesome summer socks.  They work with tennis shoes, as well as with my other summer favorite, Ecco Androw boat shoes, plus they wick away moisture and are reinforced so they don't get holes.
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A Nail Brush

It doesn't need to be fancy or attractive, but yeah, you need a nail brush.  Whether you're going to spend your weekends in a garden or under a car, grease and dirt have no place under your fingernails--or hers.  $4-6.
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A Brightly-Colored Pack

I'm a recent convert to bold, bright backpacks, and recently traded in my trusty, 9-year-old navy blue North Face Recon for a bright green Timbuk2 Showdown.  It's compact, full of pockets, has great laptop padding, and is fun to carry around (albeit not appropriate for serious work-y settings.  I should do a full-fledged backpack review sometime, huh?
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Flat-Front Plaid Shorts

I'm already seeing butches in shorts far too wide-legged, and extending 3-4 in. below the knee.  Yes, we often have to buy big sizes to fit our hips, but if you don't want to look sloppy, find a pair that fits.  I'll do a shorts post soon, but for now, check out Alfani's flat-fronts.
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Yes to Body Wash

My sister-in-law turned me on to this stuff, and I have to admit, I was a little skeptical that I'd like it.  But...  I love it.  The "Yes to" brand is hypoallergenic and completely devoid of the fake crap you'll find in most body washes.  I like the cucumber smell because it's fresh and neutral.
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Imperial Barber Pomade

Having good-smelling hair product that really works is crucial.  Imperial Classic Pomade is my favorite for my short, thick hair.  A $24 jar lasts  months.  Have fine hair like my DGF?  Try this instead.
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Really Good Sunscreen

I hate wearing sunscreen--I like my face to breathe and I like to rock a tan (or my version of one, which is barely off-white).  But my dermatologist told me just last week that I should wear SPF 30 every day, and she said Neutrogena is tops, so I just ordered some of this for myself for only $9.97. My runners up were this and this.
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A Plaid Tie in Light Colors

Ideally, Madras.  Ideally, seersucker.  But super ideally, seersucker Madras!  Pair a tie like this $15.99 number from the Tie Bar with a white shirt and khakis (if you're me) or tight brightly-colored jeans (if you're hipster stylin') for any semi-nice summertime shindig.

What are YOUR crucial items for summer, butches?  Any fashion trends you'd like me to write about next?
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