Hey, all.  It's been a minute.  What's happened since then?  Well, something in my work life exploded and I was hit by some metaphorical shrapnel and I've been recovering, plus hustling as much as I can to get myself back on track.  But don't think I haven't thought of you--I've totally thought of you.  Here is a partial list of Random Things.  Nothing would make me happier than to read in the comments one or two things that *you* have been thinking.

1. Thanksgiving is coming up.  I have a motley crew of wayward mostly-singles joining me and the wife this year, so that means we're cooking.  And by "we're cooking," I mean that she is telling me what to buy and I'm buying it, and then on Wednesday I will spend all day following orders like the obedient sous chef that I am.  It is super cool to be in a position to invite other people over for Thanksgiving who might not otherwise have a group of people with whom to hang.  (Notice that I don't say "who had no place to go."  Because some people want to hang out solo and read magazines and eat ice cream all day on Thanksgiving, which I think is an equally valid choice.)
2. I went to Whole Foods today and got all the stuff on the list and not only was it PACKED with super slow-moving people, but they all seemed to be sick.  Every last thirty dozen of them.  It was all I could do not to bean someone with a delicata squash.
3. Can we stop for a second and talk about MEN?  Holy crap.  Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Louis CK, Al Franken, Roy Moore, and SO many others.  The list goes on and on and on.  And while these cases shouldn't all be painted with the same brush, I can't help but notice that their common denominator is that they're all guys.  As are, by the way, all the mass shooting perps.  This is not a rant against men--some of my favorite people are men, obvs--but I can't help but think that if every single mass shooting and every single sexual assault were perpetrated by women, we wouldn't be allowed to own guns or be alone with anyone.
4. I met another lesbian recently who made the observation that every lesbian she knows seems to have ill-behaved dogs.  This seems, to me, totally true.  Even the ones who didn't adopt rescues have bad dogs.  My erstwhile canine BFF, Scout, was a Good Dog Extraordinaire, but my DXH and I adopted her back when I was "straight," so her goodness was grandfathered in.
5. Yesterday I learned a new vocabulary word that apparently "the kids these days" use: "extra."  From what I gather as a decidedly uncool thirtysomething, it basically means that a person is either (1) high maintenance (as in, "Dude, did you see her yell at him?  That woman is extra") or (2) trying way too hard (as in, "He turned in a 50-page paper and our assignment was 10 pages!  Talk about extra...").  But I don't know how to use it properly yet.  Like, can I say, "Stop being so extra?" Hmm.  It seems like blunting language is kind of a trend--e.g: "All the things," "All the feels," "I can't even."  I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but I do think it's interesting.  
6. Can I just say that my mom now buys me pocket squares?  She'll be at Ross or something and literally send me a picture of a pocket square or a lapel pin and be like, "What do you think of this?  Would you wear it?"  Never in a zillion years would I have imagined that such a thing could happen.  It is so cool.  I can't even tell you how happy and validated this makes me feel.  
7. I'm still gay.

Um, that's it.  Basically I just wanted to say hi.  Hi!  Happy Thanksgiving!!

To be butch is to be able to pass as lots of things, and at the same time to fail people's little "passing" tests constantly.  It's a weird space to be in--a little vortex of contradictions.  Here are all the things I, personally, often do not pass as (whether or not I want to).

Things I frequently can't pass as:
1. Female.  "Can I help you, sir?"
2. Male.  "Can I help you, ma'am?"
3. Cool.  Every time I go to SF or NYC, I am reminded of how uncool and unhip I really am.  I don't even have any tats or interesting piercings!
4. Boring.  Because some people seem to think that all lesbians know where the cool clubs are...  Little do they know that my idea of "partying" is to curl up on the couch, trying to prevent my DGF from trouncing me in Words With Friends.  Sometimes I "party" HARD.
5. Under 35.  I'm starting to get grey hair.
6. Over 35.  Because surely someone with my education who is over age 35 would be more established in a career, right?
7. Butch.  As in, "You're butchish, but you're not really butch."
8. Cisgender.  Because some people who are trying really hard to be trans*-inclusive assume that all gender-nonconformists are on a trans* spectrum.
9. Working or lower-middle class.  Even though it's the class background with which I identify, I traded in 90% of my street cred for fancy degrees.
10. Upper middle class.  Certain mannerisms and ways of being are imprinted on you at an early age, and you'll never feel like you really belong in certain places...  or at least, I won't.
11. Non-genderqueer.  Seriously, I had someone say last year, "I identify you as genderqueer."  I was like, "Um, congratulations, but you don't get to identify me!"
12. A responsible dog parent.  Because my dog literally screams when we are walking away from another dog and she wants to stay to play/fight/sniff.

Name me one thing you can't always pass as.

I've been thinking a little about what it means to "feel butch"--not in general, but for moi.  What is it about feeling butch, exactly, that's different from self-confidence, or different from just feeling "masculine?"  I suspect that this varies a lot from person to person, but for me, at the core of it, there's some kind of inner strength that comes from being a little different, from being a strong, confident woman with masculine qualities--and even more importantly, who is okay with those qualities, okay with being different, and maybe even a little proud of who she is.

Certain songs give me this feeling.  Not necessarily because of the lyrics or the singer or even because I think the song is particularly fabulous.  But I thought I'd share some of those songs here, and what I'd really like is if, after reading these, you could share the names of one or two of your own songs that make you feel butch--whatever that means to you.

Here are some of mine.  I don't pretend to have sophisticated taste.  :)  I put links to these in case you don't know them and want to see if you like them. 

• Cynical - Chris Pureka
  
• I Confess - k.d. lang & the Siss Boom Bang
  
• My 1st Song - Jay-Z
  
• If It Isn't Her - Ani DiFranco (runner up: Swan Dive, live version)
• The Seeker - The Who
  
• Aenima - Tool
  
• Travelin' Thru - Dolly Parton
• A Different Drum - Peter Gabriel
• Old Soul Song (For the New World Order) - Bright Eyes 
• Troubled Mind - Catie Curtis
• What Was I Thinkin' - Dierks Bentley
• Everything is Everything - Lauryn Hill
  
• Dear Mr. Fantasy - Traffic
  
• Back to Me - Kathleen Edwards
  
• Are You Out There - Dar Williams
• Unsung - Helmet
• Square Dance - Eminem (try not to judge... I know I'm making it hard)
  
• The Distance - Cake
  
• Suddenly I See - K.T. Tunstall
  
• Future Crimes - Wild Flag (the whole album is incredible, BTW)
  

So there you go.  What are some of yours?  And what other song lists would you like to see?  Songs that make me cry?  Best breakup songs?  Best roadtrip songs with your girlfriend?  Best pride songs?

Starting in 2004, the Lesbian, Gay, and Queer Research Foundation (LGQRF), has been keeping track of queer sub-populations in the U.S.  They have ALL kinds of quantitative data, both about self-identity and lifestyle.  They don't list "butch" as a self-selected category, but do collapse several indicative variables together, including sporting activities, reading habits, car ownership, occupation, and more, and end up with a startlingly accurate picture of the butch population throughout the U.S. 

If you're like me, you're a little hesitant--after all, there a thousand ways to measure the "butchest" towns and cities: butches as a percentage of the queer population, butches as a percentage of the general population, or degree of butchness (that is, how "butch" are the butches there, even if there aren't very many of them?).  The GLQRF actually breaks it down in seven different ways, but I'm just going to highlight the top 5 in the categories I think are the most interesting.  (The GLQRF lists 50 in each, and that's just waaaay too many for me to include here.)

Butches as a percentage of the queer population
1. Sudbury, Massachusetts
2. La Honda, California
3. Dixville Notch, New Hampshire
4. New York, New York
5. Sioux Falls, South Dakota

Butches as a percentage of the general population
1. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
2. Northampton, Massachusetts
3. Oakland, California
4. Provo, Utah
5. Abilene, Texas

Butchest Butches (without regard to # or % of butches)
1. Tracy, California
2. Highlands Ranch, Colorado
3. Friday Harbor, Washington
4. Mitchell, Nebraska
5. Lafayette, Louisiana

Least Butch Butches (without regard to # or % of butches)
1. Seaside Heights, New Jersey
2. Sunnyvale, California
3. Scarsdale, New York
4. Los Angeles, California
5. Frankfort, Kentucky

Most Attractive Butches
1. Portland, Oregon
2. Galena, Illinois
3. Greenville, South Carolina
4. North Decatur, Georgia
5. Eliot, Maine





Silliest Butches
1. YOU, if you're still reading this.  April Fool's!  Heehee.  Hope you enjoyed scouring the fictitious stats above.  I just made 'em up!  Have a terrific day.  Love, BW