Trans issues have popped up on Butch Wonders quite a bit in the past, so when a super-smart English professor I knew came out as trans, I shamelessly pounced on the chance to ask him all kinds of questions about his process and identity.

BW: How long have you "known" that you're trans?  What does it mean to know?

Allen: I've known that I was not quite cisgendered for several years, and I've felt trans off and on for several years, but more solidly during the last six months.

BW: Can you give an example of something that makes you feel non-cisgendered?  After all, I've always hated and felt totally uncomfortable in "girly" things.  It just feels not-me.  Is that what you mean by feeling non-cisgendered, or is it different?

Allen:  Those feelings of discomfort with "girly things" are part of it for me, but it also includes dysphoric feelings about my body, such as feeling really psychologically uncomfortable with my female chest and even more minor things like my female-looking neck, female hairline, etc.  I have also never liked to be called a girl, woman, or even "tomboy," since "tomboy" suggests that one is not a real boy!  So all of these things are part of my feelings of not being cisgendered.

BW: I hate the word "tomboy," too.  To me, it always suggested that my "boyishness" was a phase I'd grow out of!  I resented that, even as a kid, because I knew that there was something in me that other people saw as boyish, and I knew that it wasn't going to change.  Okay, so say more about the feelings and knowledge of being trans.

Allen: I use those words--felt/feel trans or male--instead of "know," because to me, the transition process centers on feeling more than knowledge.  For me, it's not an issue of "knowing" I'm trans, but one of being ready and willing to feel my feelings.

BW: How do you know you're not just taking advantage of "male privilege," since in most places it's easier to be a gender-conforming male than a non-gender-conforming female? 

Allen: Because when I'm allowing myself to feel male and when others view me as and call me male, I just feel happier and feel I'm more able to express myself and let go of hesitation and self-consciousness and depression, even when I'm only in the company of loving, supportive people like my wife and my mom.  Male privilege doesn't come into play with such people, yet I am much happier being male even in such small company.

BW: So, with these people like your wife and your mom, what does it mean to be treated "like a man?"  Can you give an example?

Allen:  That’s a great question.  They don't treat me especially differently, actually; I think the main things that make me feel male and make me feel good in such circumstances are that they don’t call me girl terms and that as male I'm able to feel happier inside my own head, which causes interactions to automatically feel better.  An example of the first is that my mom has always called my wife and me "the girls," but now she is trying her hardest to not do this.  And my wife calls me "hubby" instead of "wife," which is validating. 

BW: Do you still ID as butch?  Do you ID as a straight man? 

Allen: No, I don't identify as butch anymore.  To me personally, "butch" implies being something other than a guy, and I feel like a guy.  I'd probably just lean towards calling myself a guy, or a trans guy.  I like those terms.  I'd be more likely to identify as a straight man than as butch, but "straight man" feels a bit confining.  I am about 99.8 percent straight, but the associations that go along with that term—e.g., uptight, not queer or trans, "bro"—don't feel so great to me.

BW: What's the other .2%?  Attraction to guys (since you're a guy)?

Allen: Well, yes; in my lifetime I've had genuine crushes on two men!  But nothing ever happened with that.

BW: It seems like few trans men date butches, though I can think of plenty of trans men who date men (either cisgendered or trans), as well as plenty of trans men who date feminine-presenting women.  Why so few butch-trans male couples?  Or am I wrong about this?

Allen: Yeah, I can't think of any transmen dating butch women, that I know of.  But maybe there are some!  I don’t think I have any answers here.

BW: I suspect there are some out there somewhere.  (Any BW readers want to chime in?)  So as you were dealing with all this gender identity stuff, how did your wife respond?

Allen: We've been together for more than nine years, so I've talked with her about my gender feelings for the entire time I've been exploring my identity.  So it is certainly not a surprise to her that I'm trans.  She is very supportive and happy for me, which I'm grateful for, and she is excited for my future happiness and our future in a potentially better relationship!  After all, if both people in a relationship are able to be fulfilled and comfortable, doesn't the relationship end up better for it? 

BW: I would certainly think so!

Allen: Also, she's had relationships in the past with cisgendered men, women, and transmen, so she can certainly be attracted to maleness.  While she feels disappointed about not being able to refer to her "wife" and thus be recognized by others as queer, and while she's sometimes nervous about how my personality may change on T (I don't think it'll change radically), she is supportive and hopeful.

BW:  How are you going to decide whether to get surgeries?  Is that a hard decision? 

Allen: It's an easy decision to get top surgery, which I'm getting on August 5!  Or rather, the decision is easy at this point, after I've debated, analyzed, and overthought about transitioning for at least eight years!  I decided to get top surgery because I am mentally uncomfortable about my chest every single day of every month and year. 

BW: Uncomfortable how?

Allen: The look and feel of my chest bothers me intensely.  I feel a deep, intense, and excited longing to have a male chest.  To me, it sounds better than any Christmas present I could imagine!  As for lower surgery, I'm not even thinking about that right now.  I have always thought I will not get lower surgery, due to the cost, pain, risk, and my current lack of desire for it (partly due to the less than perfect results of FTM lower surgeries).  But we'll see how my feelings develop over the years. 

BW: Are you worried about any changes in your social life?

Allen: I'm worried about cisgender guys saying sexist things while hanging out with me (which I've not yet experienced but have heard a lot about from other transguys).  I think that would be depressing, and it could be challenging for me to challenge them and "call them on it," but I would do my best, since anyone who spouts sexist ideas or attitudes should be called on it. 

BW: Any medical worries?

Allen: Medically, I'm most worried about increased risk of heart disease and cancer of female reproductive organs.  However, these are not gigantic risks, because I read a scientific study on somewhat long-term HRT in trans people which suggested that FTM heart disease risk is not really higher than that of cisgender men, and I have a healthy lifestyle.  And like many transmen, I plan to have surgery to take out my ovaries and uterus in several years, if I still feel like I want and need to be on T long-term.  This prevents cancers of those organs and also reduces internal hormone "battles."

BW: You've referred in the past to having "access to the male parts" of yourself.  Which are male non-physical parts, and which are female?  And doesn’t almost any answer assume that women "are" a certain way and men "are" a certain, different way? 

Allen: This is a very complicated question to answer.  I'm not sure it can really be explained.  The short version is that my deepest spirit feels male. 

BW: I think I understand that.  Because even though I have a ton in common with lots of trans men, reject many socially "feminine" things, etc., men remain "other" to me.  I guess a lot of women remain "other" too.  But I have no desire, for example, to exist in all-male social spaces as a man.  I don't know if I ID strongly with one gender or the other, really.  But being called "she" is much more comfortable to me than "he."  My own deepest spirit feels female, I suppose, though in a different way from stereotypical femaleness.  I am very aware, on a basic level, of feeling "other." 

Allen:  I'm not sure that I feel much of a female part of my inner being.  To quantify it, I feel like 80% of myself feels male, and the other 20% might be genderless.  Obviously there are many stereotypical activities, mannerisms, etc. that could be labeled as female or feminine, like certain ways that I sometimes sit on a couch, for example.  Or being emotional.  These things don't feel very female to me, when I do them; they just feel human.  So I won't even get into any such stereotypes any further right here.

BW: Are you afraid of getting a hairy chest?  I totally would be.

Allen: Haha.  No.  I think that a hairy chest would feel foreign to me at first, but then, it would occur very gradually.  Especially after I get top surgery, I think a hairy chest would be OK.  Sometimes it seems weird to me that I am currently relatively hairless (since I've only just recently started T), so perhaps more body hair would actually feel less weird.

BW: You've said that you prefer to be treated as male.  In social situations, does being "treated male" mean being treated with more respect?  If men and women were treated identically in social situations, do you still think you'd want to be male? 

Allen: Yes, I would still feel male and want to be male regardless of social equality issues, since I feel much better, happier, and more like myself as male even in private social situations, even in groups of women.  Especially in groups of women. 

BW: Like when, for example?

Allen: A few years ago, I was part of a lesbian book group that met monthly.  I always felt a little "off" or like a misfit in this group, and I always felt angsty when I would prepare to go to the group: I'd have this urge to dress not just in a T-shirt, which is what I wear on 100% of my days off, but something more decidedly masculine like a button-up shirt.  I really chafed against blending in with the other women.  They were very friendly and cool people, but still.  I felt frustrated when I would sit with them in the book group. 

BW: That is so interesting!  I'm guessing that plenty of them were butch or masculine-identified women.  But you still felt a desire to define yourself oppositionally to the others in the group.

Allen: I felt that in portraying myself as a woman (since the group was only for women), I was not revealing my real self and was thus invisible.  This is a horrible, depressing feeling that I think no one should have to experience.  So now, presenting as male in social or work situations, I feel happy and visible, and instead of the dulling and quieting feeling of invisibility, which just made me feel like not talking a whole lot, I feel a positive energy that inspires me to talk more, put myself out there more, and let others get to know me more. 

BW: Are you afraid of not being treated or seen as "one of the butches?"  (This comes from your earlier statement that you don’t ID as butch—I’m not suggesting that trans men can’t be butch.)

Allen: No, I’m not afraid of not being seen or treated as "one of the butches."  I don't identify as butch and am extremely far from wanting to identify as a woman, so I would feel more validated and comfortable if I were not viewed as a butch woman.  I actually don't think things will change much for me in this regard, as I have never felt like "one of the butches." I've never had any close butch friends and have never been part of a butch group of friends.  This is kind of sad, since I wanted this for many years.  But I found that butch women who wanted to be friends with me were almost nonexistent, and many butches were in cliques that I couldn't manage to work my way into. 

BW: You're awesome! I want to be your butch friend!  I have a few close butch friends, but never a group of butch friends.  In part, I've felt like butches en masse can sometimes be a little "bro"-ish.  (I'm not saying this is how butches are, just describing my own experience.)  Particularly since I don't date femmes, I tend to feel like a bit of an outsider.

Allen: I can relate to that; I have also felt that groups of butches were like that!  I've already made a number of FTM friends and am surprised at how much we relate and how easy I find it to talk with them and how much I DO want to be one of them.  I guess that's a sign that I'm doing the right thing in transitioning!  Most of the transguys I've met are less "bro" and more "regular guys" and seem to have less of a "macho" front.  I don't know if this is just reflective of the types of guys who choose to go to the FTM support group where I've met friends, or what!

BW: That's super interesting.  I've never been around big groups of FTMs, but have been in mixed butch/FTM groups, which to me didn't feel significantly different from all-butch groups.  But in any case, it sounds like you have an awesome support group!  How are your female-ID'd butch friends reacting?  My background for asking is this: I had a close friend transition, and although I was super proud of him, it was weird being seen in public with him as a man and a woman, rather than as two gender nonconforming women.  We had been existing in the world in a similar way (as people who "didn't belong"), then all of a sudden, he was seen as a "regular" person—just a normal dude.  But I was still a gender nonconforming "other;" he fit in and I didn't!  Does this make any sense? 

Allen: Yes, that does make sense.  Well, as I said, I have never had any close butch friends, none that I hang out with regularly.  But the ones I know, like on Facebook, have been very supportive of me, as far as I can tell.  I value that a lot.  Yes, I do get to fit in—at a stranger's first glance, anyway—more than a visibly genderqueer person or butch woman would. Actually, for many years now, strangers in public have tended to perceive me as male about 90% of the time, judging by the frequency at which I was "sir-ed" and so forth.  So I think strangers often view(ed) me as a "regular guy," even when I was pre-T, so this will not be much of a change, actually.

BW: Gotcha.

Allen: One example that comes to mind is when I was walking to the BART train after attending the Trans March in San Francisco last week.  There were two couples ahead of me, further down the block, who had a "dykey" appearance.  A couple of homeless guys called out some mildly insulting remark about "lesbians" to them, which I thought was awful and scary.  The men hardly looked at me.  Really the only thought I had here was that I felt sorry for those folks ahead of me and glad that I could blend in.

BW: That reminds me of a time my butch-appearing partner and I were walking back from dinner with a friend and got yelled at by some guy who called us "batty men" (an offensive slang term for gay men).  I wanted to tell him, "You’re mean--and wrong!"  It was odd to be gay-bashed incorrectly.  But I did think about how encounters like this would be easier if I/we looked like a more conventional couple.

Allen: Yeah, it just happens to be that I feel most myself when I appear to be kind of a conventional dude.  By chance.  So I can sometimes avoid people viewing me as unusual.  But this is a side effect of my transition and my clothing choices, not a reason for them.

BW: Do you expect that being a man will affect your career as a professor positively or negatively? 

Allen: I don't expect it to affect my career much either way.  The hiring process at state-funded colleges, the only places I want to work, is very regularized and doesn’t allow (in theory) for any discrimination or personal preferences of the hiring committees.  However, many English departments are predominantly female these days, so, ironically, I could potentially add some diversity by being male!

BW: Okay, one more question: Is it the case that you were always "really" male, or that you have decided that you would be more comfortable "becoming" male? 

Allen: I feel mostly male on the inside—in my mind, heart, and spirit—so I am already male, rather than becoming male, in those ways.  I am becoming male on the outside, and I'm thus giving more life and sustenance to my mind, heart, and spirit, which are in the process of becoming less hidden and quiet and more alive and visible and strong.

BW: Good for you!  I think it's awesome that you have the courage to be seen the way you want to be seen, and to live life as your true, authentic self.  Thank you for taking the time to chat, particularly about something so important and personal.

Last month, I posted a list of things that well-meaning-but-misguided people tend to say to childless lesbians.  On my Facebook page, a few readers mentioned that people say equally irritating and/or idiotic things to lesbians who have kids.  Here are some of their least favorites:

• "How did you get your kids?"  [Fed-Ex brought them.  I didn't even have to sign!]
• "So you were married to a man before, then?"  [No, which is why I'm so confused about how these kids got here.]
• "Are you his real mom?"  [Nope.  I'm the fake one.]
• "Does he have a dad?"  [Nope.  Immaculate conception.]
• (Incredulously) "YOU have KIDS??"  [I know!  Apparently the stork is less discriminatory than most state legislatures.]
  
• "But won't she be bullied?" [Not if your kids leave her alone.]
• "Don't you think he needs a male influence?"  [Yeah, just like all those kids who are influenced by abusive, alcoholic, or absent fathers?  Clearly having a caregiver with a penis makes all the difference.]
• "Aren't you worried that they're going to grow up and be gay?"  [Terribly.  I lay awake nights!]
  
• "Oh so you weren't always gay?  You have kids, so it must not have always been horrible being straight."  [...]
• "Is your kid okay with you being a lesbian?"  [Is your kid okay with you having no manners?]
• "Do you feel bad knowing she'll be picked on because of your choices?"  [Do you feel bad knowing that intelligence is partly genetic?]
• "Do both your kids have the same dad?"  [Congrats!  You've just won the things-that-aren't-your-business identification award!]
• (Said to the butch half of a butch-femme couple): "You're the one that had the kid?"  [Yeah!  They didn't take my ovaries away when I started wearing ties!  Hooray!]
• (Also said to a pregnant butch): "Well, I guess you'll have to start dressing/acting like a mom, and not so.... um... like a dad."  [The ignorance!  It burns!]
  

Seriously, people.  Let me give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're beside yourself with joy and curiosity about a child or a pregnancy that is not your own.  It is very, very rude to ask someone you barely know about the biological details of how his or her children came to be, or to offer your unsolicited, pop-pseudo-psychological opinion about how the family arrangement is likely to affect the child.

Q: But what if I really want to know?
A: That's what the Internet is for.

Q: But I'm a total supporter of gay rights!  So it's okay if I ask, right?
A: No.

Q: What if the person I want to ask is a friend or family member?
A: Possibly fine.  But this varies based on the person.  Some folks will talk your ear off about IVF; others will want to smack you for asking.  If the person is a friend, you probably already know the deets or would feel comfortable saying something like, "Hey, I had a few questions about the biological aspects of your pregnancy.  Would it be okay if I asked you about it?  If not, I certainly understand."

Q: Oh, good!  I can ask my lesbian co-worker how she got pregnant!
A: NO.  When I say "friend," I'm talking about someone with whom you hang out socially, on a voluntary basis.  Just seeing someone at work functions, PTA meetings, or the post office doesn't count.

Q: Oh, good--so I can tell my lesbian daughter that her son needs a male influence?
A: NO.  The aforementioned ban on unsolicited, pop-pseudo-psychological opinions about someone's child-rearing decisions applies to friends and family members as well.

Any queer parents out there want to add something I missed?  Drop me a line or post a comment below!

Occasionally I get email from other aspiring queer bloggers asking for advice, and I received another one recently, so I thought I'd share some general, hard-won blogging advice.  Take it all with a boulder of salt.

BW's Tips for Bloggers

1. Assuming you want an audience, your blog should revolve around a theme, not just be a diary.  For a following, you  need an angle.  (Once you have a following, it's okay to deviate sometimes--regular readers are forgiving...  As, I hope, you all are right now...)
   
2. Let your personality shine through.  Whether it's nerdy, quirky, punny, whatever--it's genuine you, and this is the fun of it.
   
3. Keep a running list of possible topics.  Then on the weeks you're running dry, check the list and see what inspires you.
4. You don't need to know anything about coding or building websites.  Personally I use Weebly, because I like their templates and options and easy-to-view stats.  But there's also WordPress and a bunch of others.
   
5. Reach out to more experienced bloggers.  After you've got 10-12 good posts, ask if they'll put you on their blog rolls. 
   
6. Don't feel obligated to post every day.  It's nice if you can, but you don't want the blog to feel like something you have to do.
   
7. Give people an option to subscribe to your blog via email.
   
8. Do it for love, not money.  I'm positive I've spent more on BW than I've earned.  Would I like to make a living writing BW?  You bet.  Am I willing to post ads all over my page and pimp products I don't care about?  No freakin' way.
   
9. Have patience!  It can take a really long time for your audience to grow.
   
10. Some people will hate you, disagree with you, and/or think you're stupid--and won't be afraid to say so.  Pay attention to thoughtful critiques; ignore the morons.
11. Don't be defensive.  You will screw up.  When you do, admit it.
12. You're going to offend some people, even if you try not to.  This is not a nice feeling, but it's a virtually inevitable one.
13. Readers love pictures, especially if you take them yourself.
    
14. Have fun!  Be silly, be weird, be random.  If you're laughing while you're writing, your readers will laugh while reading it. 
    
15. Keep a separate email account for blog-related email.  This will keep your blog life from leaking into your work life, and vice versa.
16. Think carefully about whether to be anonymous.  It's a hard choice.  I'm still closeted for professional reasons (and deeply ambivalent about it), but plan on coming out in the next couple years.  Once you're "out," you can't go un-ring the bell.  While being up-front about your real identity will increase your credibility (and get you a bigger following, I bet!), it may limit what you feel comfortable writing about. 
    
17. Social media is your friend!  Lots of people have stumbled across BW randomly through Twitter and Facebook.
    
18. Don't write about friends/family who read your blog, unless they've told you it's okay, or you specifically let them know ahead of time.  Some will get pissed off; it's hard to predict who.  Also: use pseudonyms.
    
19. Interact with your readers!  Most of them will be awesome, and eventually you'll probably get more emails than you can handle, but if you see blogging more as a conversation than a mouthpiece, readers will be engaged (and they'll share smart, interesting ideas that will teach you cool things and inspire you to write more!).
20. You're allowed to vary: sometimes you may be funny, sometimes reflective, sometimes informative.  Don't feel like you have to keep up some kind of consistent "persona."
    
21. Don't get too obsessed with your numbers, and certainly don't write in response to them (e.g., "People like posts about fashion so I'd better write about nothing but fashion").
22. Don't apologize if you go a while without blogging.  (Yeah, I broke my own rule recently.  Sue me.)  Just roll with it.
23. Focus on creating good, interesting content.  Rachel Maddow said recently that there are too many great content-container creators and not enough great content creators.  Be one of the great ones, and strive to get better.  I'm talking about technical stuff (for grammar tips, there's no better source than Strunk and White) and non-technical stuff.  Think of the bloggers you admire most.  Why do you like their posts?  Strive to embody the qualities you admire.
24. Good writing takes way more time than you think it will.
    
25. Understand that you have something to say.  If you're thinking about blogging, it's because you want to tell something to the masses.  Don't second-guess yourself.  Everyone's an expert on his or her own corner of the world.  A blog is an awesome way to share your point of view!
    

I'm sure other bloggers feel differently about lots of this stuff, and I hope they'll weigh in with other thoughts they have.

What about you, dear readers?  What are your favorite qualities in a blog?

Hey all!  So I've been in bed with mono for two weeks.  I'm definitely starting to feel better, but DANG mono can last a long time.  Being sick has gotten downright mono-tonous.  Har, har.  I've eaten boatloads of saltines, grown tired of red Gatorade (the original kind--this G2/G3 business is cray cray), and played dozens (hundreds?) of rounds of Gems with Friends.

Meanwhile, the out-of-doors has become downright fall-ish in my neck of the woods.  Though I've yet to consume my two favorite autumn foods, candy corn and pumpkin pie, I'm in a November mood.  Some people are posting one thing for which they're grateful every day this month (thanks for the tipoff, Bee Listy).  But I thought I'd shoot my proverbial gratefulness wad all at once (yes, I really did just write that sentence) and list 30 things here and now.  Boom.

1. The election results!  A president who isn't scared to mention The Gays in his acceptance speech!  Elizabeth Warren!  Maine and Maryland!  There is much to celebrate.
2. Fiction!  The pleasure of reading stories, of turning pages, of becoming subsumed in the printed word.  Right now I'm reading Murakami's Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman and Bolano's The Savage Detectives, and am enjoying both very much.
3. My DGF (dear girlfriend)!  Her mischievous smile, her dancing, her sense of humor, her curiosity about the world--all of these things make me happy, and I love her more every day.
4. A sense of relative security!  Sure, I have student loans up the wazoo and earn a rather wee salary, but on a day-to-day basis, I don't wonder if I can afford groceries or heat, and that is an incredibly comforting feeling that many people do not get to have.
   
5. Coffee! 
   
6. Beaches!
7. Succulents!  Recently my DGF and I have gotten addicted to succulents, and have been having a lot of fun growing them.  You can propagate them from leaves!  How cool is that?  (Answer: very.)
   
8. BW readers!  I love that I get to write something a lot of people enjoy reading.  I am very grateful that you read this blog.
   
9. Friends!  BB, CB, KC, MK, JG, DD, SJB, E&E, MT, LR, TH, and many others.  Friends give me perspective and make me feel loved. 
   
10. Warm showers!
11. Being a butch lesbian!  I'm grateful that I can present the way I really am, be out, and be me--fleece vests and all.
    
12. My dog, Scout!  Scout is my buddy.  Loyal, smart, playful, and absurdly well-behaved.  When I go running, she goes with me.  When I'm sick, she never leaves my side.  Especially if I'm eating something.
13. Dr. W!  My therapist is amazing.  She helps me understand who I am, gain courage, work on my strengths, and be a better person.  She also has a fabulous BS-detector (important when working with me). 
14. Projects!  I love having projects going.  Research projects, art projects, writing projects.  Projects, projects.
    
15. Fruit!  Particularly pomegranates and Fuyu persimmons (the flat kind).
16. Trail running!  I want to work up to doing a lot more of it, because I find it exhilarating and challenging.  
17. Rainy days!
18. Sunny days!
19. Music!  Music can elevate my mood, stir up memories or make me dance.  I am also grateful for the ability to make up my own songs (something which is almost certainly not on my DGF's gratitude list).
20. My new shoes!  They're making my plantar fasciitis feel a little better.  Plus, they are orange, and I love orange.
21. My parents!  I am absurdly similar to them in some ways and absurdly different in others.  My relationship with them has evolved a great deal and their support for me has been unwavering.  I love them immensely.
    
22. My friendship with my mom!  This deserves its own list item. 
    
23. Home!  I live in a place I really like--both the house and the region. 
    
24. Writing!  Of all kinds.  Words to paper.  Words to screen.  Words to napkins in ballpoint pen.  Words words words.
    
25. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece (+1 on the way)!  They're an awesome family, and I can't wait to hang out with them next month.
26. The smells on my drive home!  There are all kinds of trees on my way home, and I love how they smell: piney and earthy and dewy.
    
27. Humor!  God, I'm grateful for humor.  I find many things amusing or silly or ironic, and I love seeing the world this way.
    
28. My DXH!  I've written a whole lot about him in the past, but suffice it to say that I have an incredibly loving, supportive ex-husband, and I'm grateful that he's such an important part of my life.
    
29. Second chances!  Whether it's a relationship or a writing rejection or a dozen push-ups, second chances are the best.
    
30. Things to look forward to!  I love having things to look forward to.  Vacations, down time with my DGF, books to read, plans with friends, cool work projects...  There was a time in my life when I lost the ability to look forward to things, and I think that makes me especially grateful for it now.

What's on your gratefulness list, dear readers?  Comment below and list at least three things, large or small.  As many as you want.

Coming out as a(n obvious) butch dyke when I was previously known as, and basically looked like, a heterosexual woman, was like my very own social experiment about the effects of sexual orientation and gender presentation.

I've written previously about happy surprises that coming out brought to my life.  I've talked less about the unhappy surprises; I'll hit some of those now.

Here are some ways my interactions with others changed when I came out:

1. I became less visible to straight men, maybe because I no longer had anything they wanted.  A female professor of mine once told me that when she turned 60, men stopped looking at her altogether and that she became invisible.  I wondered what that would feel like...  I got to find out just a few years later.  (BIG generalization here; not always true; some of my best friends in the world are straight men, etc.)
   
2. Straight women still looked at me, but in a different way.  Some of them seemed to think: How much of a woman are you, and how much of a man?  What does this mean for how I should treat you? Others seemed to think: How can I possibly understand someone who wants out of the game?  Some of them began to flirt with me.
   
3. Republican friends/family said things like: I am progressive on social issues, but why does being gay have to be such a big deal?  They began using words like "waiting" and "inevitable" to talk about equal rights.
   
4. Assumptions were made about me: I am pro-choice; I love cats; I care about football; I like camping; I find femmes attractive.  Want to guess how many of these five things are true?  People's assumptions fit me about as well as men's fitted shirts tend to.
5. Straight progressive friends began using the word "partner" to refer to their opposite-sex spouse in front of me.
6. Couples who were friends with both my ex-husband and I stopped calling either of us--particularly me.  Oddly, this seemed to be most true for lesbian couples, some members of which began treating me like a pariah for reasons that remain unclear to me.
   
7. I got stared at sometimes in the market or at the post office or in class or on a hike.  I couldn't figure out why.  And then I remembered: I look gender-atypical, and some people care about this and/or find it interesting to look at.
8. A certain, mercifully rare brand of bitchy gay man hated me upon meeting me--fiercely and without apparent reason.
9. I was automatically given some kind of "progressive" cred among hipstery friends who had previously considered me a bit of a traditionalist (albeit a liberal one) before.  
10. Even when I didn't want to think about my sexuality, which was a lot of the time, my sexuality was made an issue.
11. People no longer assumed family-ish things about me, such as: I would have kids someday, I would go home for Christmas.
12. Many straight friends rarely asked me if I was seeing anyone (even though relationships had always been a frequent topic of conversation).
    
13. One or two very good friends claimed not to care about my sexual orientation, but were visibly uncomfortable when I came out to them, and then mysteriously stopped being your friends, and I will never be 100% sure if my sexuality was the reason.
14. I suddenly noticed the overwhelming presence of heterosexist assumptions basically...  everywhere.  Movies, books, everything.  Supposedly gay people were 5-10% of the population, but it didn't feel like I was represented in 5-10% of media.
15. I would try to be friendly to strangers, as was my custom, in the grocery store or whatever, and they were extremely rude to me.  I did  not know why. Of course, this happens occasionally to everyone, but it started happening more than ever before. I didn't know if people were getting meaner, or if my patently obvious homosexuality was the cause of their rudeness.
    

As I said, I'm only listing the negative or neutral things here, and I'm making a lot of generalizations.  So please don't take the list too literally.

Still, it was incredibly trippy to feel like I had stayed the same, but all these elements of the social world had suddenly changed around me.

Do any of these hit home with you?