Butch Wonders
  • Blog
  • Butch Store: Genderqueer Us
  • About
  • Contact

20 Online Dating Tips: Your Guide to Cyber-Studliness

9/9/2011

14 Comments

 
Many readers have written that it's tough to meet like-minded women, especially if you live in a small town or have a career that rarely puts you in contact with other women-lovin’ chicks!

When I was actively dating, I dabbled (okay, more than “dabbled”) in online fora, partly because Match, OKCupid, and Yahoo! Personals were quieter, less irritating places to meet people than in bars, and partly because I could pretend to be socially active while sitting in my recliner drinking a Fat Tire.  Although I didn’t find lasting love in cyberspace (though I made some great friends), I highly recommend it.  Here are a bunch of easy tips to get you started.  Some are written with butches in mind, but most apply to everyone:

  1. On your profile, don’t put up the best picture that’s ever been taken of you.  If you do, then when someone actually meets you, there’s nowhere to go but down.
  2. Meet people in person as soon as possible.  No matter how many pictures and emails you swap, there’s nothing like meeting someone in the flesh—you immediately get a sense of her persona (and whether there’s a chance in hell you’d ever want to wake up next to it).
  3. Include fun pictures, but beware of subtle messages you're sending.  A picture with an ex CLEARLY cut out or blacked out = vindictive.  More than one picture that includes alcohol = hard partier.
  4. Don’t plan long first dates.  No matter how awesome someone seems, or how articulate her emails are, you do not know her!  I made this mistake once.  S. and I exchanged four long, riveting emails, then made plans to have lunch, see a play, then have coffee.  Within five minutes of meeting this Yale-educated doctor(!), it became evident that she was the most boring person I had ever met in my entire life.  This woman was like a vacuum.  She was the anti-interest.  We went to the play, she laughed at all the stupidest parts, and I bailed on the coffee before she could kill me with her abyss of boredom.  Afternoon wasted.
  5. If you're transitioning, say so.  My trans and trans-loving buddies tell me it's perfectly kosher to list your sex as "female," then explain in your profile that you're FTM.  Or, if you want to date gay men or straight women, you can list yourself as "male" to show up in searches, but again, you should specifically state that you're transitioning.  Saving the surprise for bedtime can not only be uncomfortable; it can be dangerous.  
  6. Always meet in a public place rather than at one of your homes.  Tell a friend where you're going and with whom, and plan to have your friend call or meet you afterward. 
  7. When writing your profile, employ tools such as spell check and fourth-grade grammar.  Personally, if I read something like: "If your intrestid in mebbe seein a moovie or whatevs hit me up," you can be assured that I most certainly will not.
  8. If there’s a certain "type" you'd never date, say so.  This will prevent femme-loving butches the agony of sending doomed communiqués to femme-loving femmes, will save vegans the trouble of swooning over carnivores, etc., etc.  In general, it's nicer to say what you DO prefer, not what you don't—i.e., "I find tall women very alluring," is nicer than "Women under 5 foot 5 need not apply."  "Need not apply," in particular, makes you sound like a princess unattractively scrutinizing a long list of potential suitors.
  9. Everyone likes "laughter" and "having fun."  Such trite descriptors should not appear in your profile.  No one thinks of herself as a mean person who likes to have a shitty time.  Statements like, "I enjoy having a good time and laughing with my friends," or "Message me if you’re a nice person who likes to have fun," translates to: "I have no hobbies and am not especially creative." 
  10. Don’t conceal your body type, statistically improbable height, missing limbs, cartoonishly large eyes, or other physical "imperfections."  ("Imperfections" is in quotes because I do not believe such things are imperfections at all.)  Don't use a misleading photo to get date #1, then hope your personality will win her over in person.  If your appearance would have kept her away online, it’ll keep you from scoring a second date.  Besides, why date someone who doesn't think the real you is cute enough for a first date, anyway?
  11. "LOL" stands for "laughing out loud," not "I am vaguely amused."  Thus, it is appropriate to write "LOL" only when you are literally laughing out loud.  Unless you are (1) a hyena, or (2) terribly ironic, do not write profiles or emails that contain sentences such as, "I can’t pick a favorite band cuz I love so many lol!" and "It was great to see you last night—I love that restaurant lol!"  Suggesting that you are laughing out loud, when you clearly should not be, will not cause your date to think you are funny; it will cause her to think you are nuts.
  12. Be nice.  Our community is small, and even if you can't stand the person, you may end up running into her again!
  13. Under your "self-summary," try to avoid statements like, "Too much to be summed up in 100 words!"  You’re a human being, so this should go without saying.  If you don't have time to write anything, save your profile and don't post it yet, OR write something sexy and alluring, such as: "I'll write more later, but for now, I'll simply say that main interests are office supplies, bingo, and goat cheese."  
  14. Referencing your baggage reads like a cry for help.  This includes thinly veiled references to exes or past dates: e.g., "Please be over your last girlfriend for REAL and do not call her during our dates," or "Please do not have any weird daddy issues that you bring into bed."  (These can get eerily specific.)  It also includes people who have been helped by some form of therapy and believe they are now "fixed."  This ilk writes things like, "I have done a lot of personal growth work and am looking for someone who has gotten past their issues."  I can't pinpoint why I dislike this so much, but it's a complete turnoff--maybe because I doubt that anyone introspective would ever believe that she is "fixed" or done growing.
  15. Have a close friend check out your profile and see if it seems like a pretty good summary of who you are, or if you're leaving important things out.  Your friends are your biggest advocates! 
  16. Wear something nice to the first date.  This is location- and season-dependent, of course, but in general, a T-shirt, shorts, and flip-flips do not qualify.  A button-up shirt, khakis or nice jeans, and non-tennis shoes are a good bet.
  17. No raw onions or heavy garlic.  Think about the goodnight kiss.
  18. There's no good way to say this, so I'll just be frank.  If you sleep with a woman, she may assume you are now "dating," or even that you are now her girlfriend, even if you are completely upfront that this is not the case.  As such, I recommend not sleeping with someone on the first couple of dates [she wrote, brimming with honesty and hypocrisy].  If you do...  let's just say that all the "processing" that ensues afterward may make you regret your fleeting lack of self-control.  (And one more thing to think about: contrary to popular belief, AIDS and especially unpleasantries like herpes do exist in the lesbian community.  It pays to know what you're getting yourself into...  um, literally and figuratively.)
  19. It's okay to call the next day, or to send an email.  Something like, "Just wanted to thank you for a really nice time last night.  I'd love to see you again sometime soon!" is totally appropriate.  And if you're the recipient of a note like this, know that it probably took a lot of courage for her to write it.  If you do want to see her again, make sure you SAY so; she may interpret a note that just says, "Thanks for a nice time" to mean that although she's nice, you don't want a second date.
  20. Assume that a certain level of awkwardness will ensue.  Plan accordingly and give yourself a break if things feel forced at first.  After all, you’re meeting someone you don’t know.  You’re both putting yourselves out there—saying, "I want a relationship badly enough to seek it online, and I've already gone through my friends' friends, and nothing worked out."  If you end the night even a tiny bit interested in a second date, you get to chalk it up as a win!

What has been your strangest online dating experience?  Any tips to add to the list?  Any questions about things I haven't covered here?

14 Comments
Morgain
9/9/2011 07:46:04 am

These are all great! #8 is my favourite. We forget that it's ok to have a preference; it's ok to have a "type."

I would also like to add:

If you're going to send a message to someone in response to their profile, write a couple of well-thought lines. It doesn't need to be a novel, but it _does_ need to be more than "Hey." When I had an active Okcupid profile, I would try to respond to everyone; if only to say I wasn't interested. However, it's really hard to respond to someone who hasn't bothered to say much themselves.

Reply
C.
9/9/2011 07:59:06 am

21. If you are an overly literal grammar/language nazi, say so.

(JK, BW -- but #11 did have me LOL'ing. Not really)

Reply
Lyndsay
9/9/2011 08:06:52 am

I met a girl online, who seemed smart and funny, several other things I was looking for. However when we met, she was at least ten years older then she stated in her profile, and LOOKED it. I didn't want to be rude so I stayed and had coffee, but it was very akward, and I was really unhappy. If someone is going to lie right off the bat, then how can you ever trust them?

Reply
cris
9/9/2011 09:24:32 am

i have been very successful at on line dating. i met my wife on compatiple partners. i was on several different sites as well. i have met many lovely women and some kinda scary ones too. i liked campatiple partners because they ask a lot of questions and they have you ask questions of the women that you are interested in. they take you through many steps before you get to email each other directly. or exchange phone #'s. so you have a very good idea who you will be meeting when you do get to finally talk.
i agree with most of the 20 items, esp not meeting someone without a couple of your friends knowing where you are meeting.
i am still friends with a few women i met online and am happily married as well.
be as clear as you can be about what or who you are looking for esp if there are things that are an absolute deal breaker for you.
when i was paired up with my wife i sent an email back to them saying that i made it very clear that a long distance relationship was out of the question. they explained this to her and she had them tell me that she had recently moved to my area, i'm so glad that i emailed them because well otherwise we would have never met.
i started on line dating because when my ex of 16 years left, i did not want to date the women that i already knew. the lesbian community is too small and i don't want to be at a party and be able to look around the room at all the women i've been with.

Reply
Katie
9/9/2011 09:33:59 am

Great post BW! I can't stress #2 enough. #1 is also important, but there's this phenomenon called "being photogenic" and some people just don't have it. I bring this up because I went on a date with someone who I wasn't particularly attracted to...or so I thought. I wasn't 100% sure if I liked their pictures, but when we met...?!!? Whole different story. I melted instantly. She was everything I dreamed of, but yet, her pictures were so-so. That's when #2 comes in. Meet as soon as possible because you might be pleasantly surprised.

Reply
meridith link
9/9/2011 10:11:52 am

I love this post! I once spent hours with a girl on the phone and it seemed like we'd be a match. It should have been a tip off when she asked me my belt size (I had no idea what she meant) and I said my hips held my pants up (she had no idea what I meant). We were almost the same size although, obviously, two totally different people.

Reply
Loren
9/11/2011 12:43:57 pm

Reply
Butch Wonders link
9/11/2011 06:01:59 pm

Morgain, that's SO true... many people will just send a message that says "hi" or "'sup?" I would usually reply with a one-word answer because it felt weird not to reply at all... but I couldn't help thinking the person had just mass mailed a ton of people. A short, thoughtful note is best, along with a couple of questions to give the person something to write back!

Thanks to the rest of you for the great comments! (Well, except you, C--as usual, you are just a punk!) :)~

Reply
Val.
9/19/2011 12:18:22 am

Don't abbreviate every word...It can take a person ages to decipher what you are saying, and sometimes it is plain impossible!

Does anyone know what "A2ATK" means?

Reply
lacoste uk link
10/1/2011 07:35:50 pm

I think the post is good for us.I highly recommend it. Here are a bunch of easy tips to get you started. Some are written with butches in mind, but most apply to everyone:

Reply
ellsa
11/27/2011 12:18:12 am

hi,
i need sum help.
i actually want to meet sum1 online or get to knw sum1 atleast, bt amt so 4 luck has nt been on my side.
i need sum advice on how to approach sum1 online??

Reply
ray ban uk link
1/10/2012 01:41:10 pm

Some are written with butches in mind, but most apply to everyone:

Reply
Samone
3/15/2013 02:57:31 pm

I've been meeting alot of women online and apparently I'm really good at catching the cute ones! : ) I start the first date at Starbucks. I know they are into me when they compliment my eyes and offer me a ride home but I'm having trouble getting the second date. They tell me they are really busy and will have time in a few weeks. Then they talk to me less. Plus I'm always the one to ask how there day was. No one ever seems to think about me. So am I doing something wrong? Is this what dating online is or is it just the wrong time of year?

Reply
Ima femme
11/16/2018 12:07:52 am

I am commenting on this in 2018. I do not know how I got on this blog.Unfortunately I read up until #2 You said "get sense of their persona (& whether theres a chance in hell you would ever want to wake up next to it".What are you looking for a quick lay or a long term relationship? To me it sounds like a lay.It takes a long time to get to know someone & the depth of their personality.
That is if you are looking for a comitted long term relationship.
Eventually dont we all? Butch Wonders blogger this is poor advice . You and your personality sound pretty shallow. I quit reading the rest of your blog.By the way I am a femme and your shallow personalty sucks. I would not give you a second look. Quit blogging and giving poor advice stay with your day job.
"

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    TWITTER
    FACEBOOK
    INSTAGRAM
    EMAIL ME
    Picture


    ​Blogs I Like

    A Butch in the Kitchen
    A Stranger in This Place
    Bookish Butch
    Butch on Tap
    Card Carrying Lesbian
    ​
    Chapstick Femme

    Effing Dykes
    Feral Librarian
    Lawyers, Dykes, and Money

    Mainely Butch
    Neutrois Nonsense
    Pretty Butch
       

    Categories (NOT up to date...  working on it)

    All
    Accessories
    Adventures
    Advice
    Bisexuality
    Blogging
    Books
    Butch Identity
    Cars
    Clothes
    Coming Out
    Community
    Dating
    Family
    Fashion
    Female Masculinity
    Fiction
    Friends
    Gaydar
    Gender
    Girlfriends
    Guest Posts
    Hair
    Health
    Humor
    Husbands
    Identity
    Interviews
    Intro
    Lgbt Community
    Lgbt Law
    Lgbt Relationships
    Lists
    Marriage
    Media
    Politics
    Polls
    Pride
    Pride Project
    Readers
    Relationships
    Religion
    Reviews
    Search Terms
    Shopping
    Silliness
    Social Change
    Ties
    Trans
    Work


    Archives

    May 2019
    February 2019
    September 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    March 2018
    November 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    April 2017
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011

    RSS Feed

 
  • Blog
  • Butch Store: Genderqueer Us
  • About
  • Contact