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57 Rules of the Universe

10/9/2011

12 Comments

 
My DGF says that everyone has his or her "57 Rules of the Universe," and that most disagreements stem from people having different assumptions about the way the universe works.  She also says that no two people on earth have the same 57 rules.

Yesterday I sat down and wrote the first 57 "rules" that came to mind.  Some are idiosyncratic and specific; others are very general.  Some came from other people (my mom, grandmother, friends, teachers); others are things I've observed.  Some aren't even really "rules;" they're more like preferences.  But we can learn a lot about how people see the world by trying to understand their rules, and I got a kick out of trying to articulate mine. 

BW's 57 Rules of the Universe:
  1. Your friends will date whomever they want to.  Your admonition not to date someone will either drive you apart or lead your friend to be secretive.
  2. Nearly everyone is just as insecure as you are.  You will never fully believe this.
  3. Don't wear hats in a restaurant, or at a meal in a friend's house. 
  4. Arrogance and manipulation are terrible traits.  Trust the guileless.
  5. Unless you are someone's best friend, you don't get to tell that person that he or she looks tired.
  6. Hard work can make up for talent in 95% of circumstances.  Talent can make up for hard work in only 50%.  Hard work + talent = unbeatable.
  7. Some people know some things.  Other people know other things.
  8. Sometimes you have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down.
  9. Trust your gut.
  10. Sleep is the best way to prevent illness.  Vitamin C and "Wellness Herbal Resistance Liquid" (stupid name, good product) are also useful.
  11. You can learn just as much from good fiction as you can from good nonfiction.
  12. You don't get to choose whether you're a writer; you just get to choose whether to write.  This probably applies to lots of other things as well.
  13. Be good to animals.  They need you.
  14. If all the women in the world just made a pact not to dye their hair, then women with grey hair would no longer look older than they are.
  15. Read as much as you can.
  16. Running on dirt is better than running on pavement if you have shin splints.
  17. Most of us are doing the best we can.
  18. Learn what comma splices are; avoid them.
  19. If you want someone to know that you're a true friend, show up to help him or her on moving day.
  20. In the end, no one really cares what you do with your life except you, so you'd better do something you enjoy.  
  21. If you have a sore throat, combine the juice of a whole lemon with some very hot water and a little honey.  Drink it. 
  22. Try to hold yourself to a higher standard than anyone else sets for you.
  23. Do what you know IS right, not what is thought of as right or what you are told is right. 
  24. Adversity isn't something to "overcome;" it's something to draw on and make yourself stronger.
  25. Most of age is mental.
  26. You're not obligated to spend time with people who make you feel inferior, bored, or angry.
  27. Best cookbook: one filled with recipes from family and friends.
  28. When returning a food container to someone, don't return it empty--make something else and put it in the container before returning it. 
  29. Bring a small gift or a bottle of wine whenever someone invites you over to (more than an extremely casual) dinner.  
  30. Instead of putting a quarter or two in a homeless person's change cup every day, occasionally go up to a homeless person and offer to buy him or her a whole meal--lunch, dinner, whatever.  Get this lunch from somewhere you, yourself, like to eat.  
  31. Most physical items are not worth the money.  Among the exceptions: Apple computers, good pots and pans, well-fitting pants.
  32. Shoes that make you look silly: Crocs, Uggs, and Vibrams (those toe shoes).  Yeah, I know they're comfortable.  But you still look silly.
  33. Professionals worth their weight in gold: a good tailor, a good gynecologist, a good therapist, a good stylist or barber.
  34. The biggest compliment you can give a business is recommending it to your friends and/or writing a Yelp review.
  35. Running is more fun with a dog.
  36. Handwritten thank-you notes are a lost art, appreciated by everyone, mandatory if the recipient is over 50 years old or wears sweater sets.
  37. If you RSVP to something, you should actually go.
  38. An 18-20% tip is the norm for good restaurant service.  For lousy service, tip 12-15%, pre-tax.  If you go to a restaurant and split a meal, tip as much as you would if you'd each ordered your own meal.
  39. Listen to other people.  You can learn a lot.  And at the root of it, most of us want to be heard.
  40. Audiobooks are a great way to survive a commute and/or a long run.
  41. Stay as close to your family as you can, especially parents and siblings.  If they have issues with your "lifestyle," stay hopeful.  People change.  
  42. Things I never regret time spent doing: writing, having sex, exercising.
  43. Don't assume that people are thinking the worst of you; they rarely are.
  44. There's no excuse for wearing pleated plants. 
  45. All steeples point to heaven.
  46. In renting an apartment, washer-dryer access and a parking place are non-negotiable.  A dishwasher (and everything else) is negotiable.
  47. Popcorn tastes best while watching a movie.  Air-popped popcorn eaten while sitting on the couch at home tastes best of all.
  48. It is practically criminal to let tickets to an event go to waste; if you're not going to use them, give them away.
  49. In order to be in a successful relationship with someone, at least 29 of their rules must overlap with yours.
  50. Most ranking systems (best colleges, best cities to live in, etc.) are stupid, or at least random, and completely change depending on which variables are included in the calculation.
  51. Don't pass up opportunities to travel (it's good for the brain) or to go to the beach (it's good for the soul).
  52. It's not okay to call your DGF a "bitch" (or worse), even if you're having a fight.
  53. If you eat something in the morning, it automatically qualifies as a breakfast food.  Thus, breakfast pizza and breakfast cake are real phenomena. 
  54. In general, do not waste food.  This includes pizza crusts and the heel of the bread.  (But if it's old, dump it!)
  55. Food that has no calories: cough drops, cookie dough, bites from someone else's plate, fruit, vegetables, and stuff you eat while cooking.
  56. There is zero shame in shopping at thrift stores.  In fact, a good score at a thrift store should be a major point of pride.
  57. It's not okay to judge someone until you've walked a mile in his or her moccasins. 

(Runner-up rules include "Raw tomatoes are the devil's food" and "Pluto really IS a planet.")

Obviously, I'm not saying that any of these is right--just that this is how I see things.  Which ones overlap with YOUR rules?  Which ones do you disagree with the most?  And what are a few of YOUR rules of the universe?

     

12 Comments
C.
10/9/2011 03:39:32 am

Dude-
Sometimes you look tired (not often); and we would love to help you move, but you picked our anniversary date as your moving date, so no guarantees; and I have no freaking idea what a comma splice is and I don't particularly care.
But, seriously, love ya dude (fist-bump)

Reply
Butch Wonders link
10/9/2011 03:46:29 am

C: We did that on purpose, so that you wouldn't be able to help us move even though I've helped you (and li'l C) move, so you'll feel super guilty. You don't use comma splices because you're a naturally gifted writer who doesn't need to know what shit is called. And I love ya too. [Fist bump!] p.s. You are allowed to tell me I look tired.

Reply
Kelly
10/9/2011 01:53:51 pm

What is with this numbering system? I especially love the first No. 6 and No. 8. Am so feeling the second No. 2 right now. And the second No. 6. For that matter, all the No. 6s are gems. Another professional worth their weight in gold: hair dresser. The breakfast food rule made me laugh out loud. I wholheartedly agree with the calorie rule. If I'm not obligated to spend time with people who make you feel inferior, bored, or angry, how the hell am I supposed to stay close to my family? I agree with all of it. I will try to generate a similar, smaller list of rules, which I will hand-write and send you this week. It's on my priority list.

Reply
amc
10/10/2011 01:56:08 pm

I definitely agree that Apple products and good kitchen supplies are worth the extra money, and that a good barber is essential. It's amazing how rejuvenated I feel after getting a good haircut.

One of my rules that I've had to be extra mindful of lately is that there is a time and a place for sharing your opinions, and sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut. This is especially true when it comes to, say, your thoughts on your roommate's relationship with her boyfriend.

Reply
Morgain
10/11/2011 12:20:17 am


"8. Sometimes you have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down."

Thank you; I needed that.

I would also like to add to #33, "massage therapist." Just sayin'.

Reply
Barbara
10/11/2011 11:59:15 pm

I wish I still had a blog so I could shamelessly steal this idea! I love it. I especially loved the popcorn one, the one about not returning a food dish empty and about thank you notes to women who wear sweater sets!

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rachel link
10/14/2011 01:52:09 pm

I was feeling quite a few of these. Hand-written thank you notes are seriously classy. A good hairdresser is worth her weight in gold, and comma splices are the devil's work.

Reply
Caro link
10/15/2011 01:26:41 pm

Agreed with SO MANY, and laughed out loud re: pleated pants! Handwritten thank-you notes and letters are mandatory for anyone you care about (no I'm not over 50 - quite). I can't imagine calling anyone a bitch!

What would I add? (1) Um, my mother told me that I was entitled to my opinion, but, that I should not make the mistake of thinking everyone else was entitled to it. (2) If you can't be bothered knotting your own tie, don't wear one. (3) Unless you are a rock star or twelve, sneakers do not go with suits. (Which, of course, means I've just shared my opinion with everyone - sorry Mum!)

Reply
loser
10/18/2011 12:05:37 pm

6 is SO TRUE.
40 = no. Situational awareness is key when running. Know self-defense, and preferably carry something with you that you can defend yourself with. At the end of a long run, you may not have enough energy to fight back effectively.
50 yes
51 yes
52 no. It's fine to call someone a bitch if they are being a bitch. If you actually have any inkling that the person is truly misogynist and means that word in the disempowering sense, you should not be with them. Also, if the person has no sense of humor, can't brush things off, or never gets truly angry once in a while, adios.

Reply
Sammy
8/18/2012 02:44:10 pm

if the rules are indeed universal rules, wouldn't they be the same for everyone?

Reply
Butch Wonders link
11/16/2012 02:04:37 pm

"Of the universe" ≠ "universal." ;)

Reply
Athalia link
2/2/2017 02:05:22 am

Totally agree with so many of these, but the one i think it should be followed by everyone in the world is #28 Bring a small gift or a bottle of wine whenever someone invites you over to dinner.

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