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7 Reasons I Love Femmes

5/23/2012

11 Comments

 
After I posted my index of blog topics for the past year, a Twitter follower mentioned that "femmes" aren't in the index.  I'd considered including femmes as a separate topic, but decided this would be redundant, since so much of my writing on relationship and dating pertains to femmes and butch-femme relationships.  (I list butch-butch relationships separately, though, since they tend to be much more of an exception than a rule.)

Still, that tweet got me thinking more specifically about the reasons I love femmes, even though I rarely date them myself.  Here are a few big ones:

  1. Femmes take straight people out of their comfort zones, showing them that not everyone in the queer community "looks" gay.  When an attractive femme mentions her girlfriend, she can take people by surprise in a way that someone who "reads" gay (e.g., yours truly) cannot (well, unless I mention that I have an ex-husband).
  2. Femmes appreciate butch attractiveness.  This makes me feel awesome, especially since the butch aesthetic is not always appreciated in the wider world.  Whether it's a femme friend who compliments my tie or a femme stranger who smiles at me in the bookstore, it's a wonderful feeling to know that someone "gets" (and likes) your look.
  3. Femmes often smell nice.  It is a scientifically proven fact that femmes, on average, smell better than butches.  I like it when people smell nice.
  4. Femmes help butches dress better.  Yes, there are some dapper fashion mavens among us, but not all butches have a talent for fashion (as a single visit to any lesbian bar quickly makes clear).  It's a boon to our community that femmes provide great fashion advice to their butch friends and lovers.
  5. Femmes remind us that embracing a female masculinity is not the same thing as replicating a heterosexual dynamic or acting out the mainstream gender binary.  Typical hetero memes are so plentiful that sometimes butches start acting out the "dude" stereotype even if they don't mean to--and when we do, femmes call bullshit.
  6. Femmes help "break the ice" for lesbian representation in mainstream media.  While it can be super frustrating to see only feminine lesbians represented, I have to wonder if lesbians would be on the big screen at all if it wasn't for femmes.  
  7. Femmes add to the gorgeous diversity of the queer community, endlessly reminding us that it's not necessary for gay women to look or act or dress or speak a certain way.  They deal with "invisibility" as queers, and have to come out over and over again to be recognized for who they are.  That takes a lot of guts.

BTW, if you're someone who sees femmes romantically, check out Ivan Coyote's ode to femmes--it's great.

What makes you smile about femmes?  What are some of the things you appreciate most about femmes?



11 Comments
Mandy
5/23/2012 03:36:47 pm

I'm a pansexual femme (who leans mostly towards lesbian women) and i have to say regardless of if i have a girlfriend or boyfriend or however who im with idetifies its widely known that i am pan... but thats only because i have to continually "come out" so number 7 really hits home for me. Love your blog and love this article

Reply
Vonski
5/23/2012 03:55:42 pm

I love those femmes that break the gender role rules....especially since i'm a "butch" that does the same. My girlfriend is pretty damn femme...but she buys me flowers, treats me like a lady, all around treats me like a lady. I like that alot cause, well...just cause I have a faux hawk and wear ties doesn't mean I don't like to occassionally be wined and dined and treated like the frikin princedd I am :)

I <3 you femme girls...you look good, smell good...and aren't afraid to join your butch chick for a spa day :)

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Highpriestess
5/24/2012 01:41:23 am

This is such a great article. My butch girlfriend would agree with everything you said, AND, she would agree with Vonski. We give each other flowers, we treat each other like princesses, and she most definitely wears masculine clothing, neckties, etc. I absolutely pass as straight every single day and relish when I come out to a man who hits on me. The look on their face when I tell them is one of titillation, confusion and plan ol' disappointment! Thank you for this article, it's just great!

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Iggy link
5/24/2012 06:49:38 am

This is such a tasteful, inclusive list! I approach generalized lists about a specific demographic with hesitation, because they tend to describe specific things frequently found within that demographic, but not the demographic itself. E.G., femmes push straight people's comfort zones VS. femmes all have long hair. I've followed this blog for maybe the last four months, and it's awesome, and to know that you can put together an inclusive, rather than exclusive, list is AWESOME, and infinitely reassuring. Somehow, the world seems shinier and full of kittens.
(I love how femmes subvert, ignore, confront, or confuse the male gaze just by EXISTING.)

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ButchOnTap link
5/24/2012 08:42:11 am

Femmes are so pretty... and soft...and curvy...and utterly distracting.

Reply
QueerFemme
5/24/2012 10:49:34 am

A BIG HUGE THANK YOU BW for this awesome list!!! Thank you for acknowledging and shedding light on a couple things that are often overlooked(though I truly believe it's unintentional) as your butch counterpart. Especially #7!!!=) Though it can be entertaining and sometimes absolutely hysterical(depending on who) I'm coming out to again and again and yet again. I am sooo tired of the question, "So...then what kind of lesbian are you?"...my stock reply is,"I'm the kind of lesbian that f*cks other women, is there another kind???" Surprisingly enough, there aren't usually any follow up questions...???;-D Love your blog BW!!!.xo

@Vonski~ Thank you as well, for yet another reason we badass femmes rock!!!;-) I LOVE to spoil my butch rotten in the kindest, most genuine way that only a femme can.

Reply
Madi
5/24/2012 07:55:22 pm

I am femme and femmes are cool for sure but i still think that one femme can rock one butch each time but one butch can rock ten femmes each time, not just the sex but the eyes contact the checking their bodies up looking and other things that only butch knows how to do it

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Sara
5/24/2012 09:32:41 pm

Oh wow that speech is so amazing. That's me and my hubby to be to a tee. !!

Reply
Cyndi
5/29/2012 04:02:25 pm

Reading this made me smile from ear to ear :)
Good to know that there are some that TOTALLY get it!

Reply
Natasiarose link
5/31/2012 12:09:04 pm

Awww this is so lovely. I'm going to forward it to all the amazing femmes I know :)

Reply
MysteriousRS
8/28/2015 01:17:31 pm

I am a femme but I really like the butch who I meet this few days,,,
One day we're going the place to having fun and some alcohol,,after that we sleep in my room and making toothed even were friends,,without commitment,

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