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7 Things Butches Can't Get Away With

4/13/2015

10 Comments

 
As I've said many times in the past, being butch is awesome.  I love it, and it's natural for me, and I wouldn't want to be any other way.  That said, society doesn't always know what to make of us.  In public settings, there are a few things that butchy looking women can't get away with quite as easily as other women can.
  1. Waving at kids.  If you're on the streets of Berkeley, sure.  But venture more than a few steps into midtown USA, and you're setting yourself up for some serious glares.  I've found fathers to be the worst.  What the heck, guys?  I promise that waving back at me won't make your kid gay.
  2. Being non-emotive.  Being gruff or grouchy or simply impassive in public risks provoking the "angry butch lesbian" assumption in people.  I feel like I have to continually prove to strangers that I'm a big goofy bucket of sunshine (which, luckily, is somewhat accurate).
  3. Coming quickly out of the women's restroom.  This is a great way to get unwanted attention in a variety of ways, including frightening women who are just coming in.  I just smile and say, "Everything okay?"  Faces redden.  Relief ensues.
  4. Going bra-shopping.  Admittedly, this one is probably all in my head.  I feel like people will think I'm some skeevy dude or wannabe dude looking lasciviously at the lingerie--when in truth, I'm just trying to find a sportsbra that fits.
  5. Complaining about gender inequality.  My complaints about gender inequality sometimes provoke people to give me monologues on gender essentialism, explaining how "most women" want to dress a certain way, do a certain thing, or whatever.  Attention: my critiques about gender inequality aren't prompted by a belief that makeup and heels are "wrong."  They're prompted by anger at, um, gender inequality.  
  6. Charming men accidentally.  When I was a straight-presenting woman, I thought guys were so nice!  Free headlight changes?  Check! Free extra scoop of ice cream?  Check!  Evolving into my true butchy self was accompanied by a realization that most men are nice...  but they are extra nice to gender-conforming women they find attractive.  
  7. Talking about male exes.  True, I do this sometimes just to shake up people's assumptions.  But if I mention my ex-husband (as it sometimes makes sense to do in explaining something about my past or the still-unchanged last name on one of my credit cards), I get double- and triple-takes, often followed by a conversation about how any man could possibly have NOT known I was gay (answer: I didn't act gay, look [that] gay, or know I was gay), whether said man is gay (no), and whether we are friends (yes).  Why do people liberated to ask me these things?  It must be my aforementioned bucket-of-sunshine disposition.
These are just some initial thoughts, dear readers.  Is there anything else that should be on this list?  Is there anything YOU can't get away with as easily because you're butch?



10 Comments
Jyn
4/13/2015 04:47:49 am

Shopping for womens stuff but also shopping for mens stuff! can't win lol.

Reply
CB
4/13/2015 05:40:25 am

Being able to travel anywhere without thinking about safety first! I love road trips but I'm not itching to walk my button-down, oxford wearing, short-haired self down the street in very conservative areas of the US. Going abroad is also complicated by the way I look.

Reply
cat
4/13/2015 08:22:52 am

I practically have to be dragged, kicking and screaming (to the absolute delight, of my partner) to buy bras. I'll wear them till the duct tape stops working. Only thing worse.....is a obgyn appt. Ugh!

Reply
notgigglesbutchuckles link
4/13/2015 07:39:26 pm

I feel like people on campus stare at me way more than ever before. I used to feel relatively invisible and would need to make the firet effort to greet strangers, but now when approaching people on campus, it seems like they've already been staring at me awhile. I'm kind of ... reluctant to tell straight friends this as I don't think they'll believe me. I did tell one close friend I thought maybe people stared because they were trying to figure out man or woman and she said, "but you don't look like a man. You look like a butch woman."

And why do people ALWAYS ask if me and the ex-H are still friends?? Is this a thing for all divorced people or just gay ones? Are they trying to say remaining friends somehow makes my 7 years of pain, mostly caused by society's homophobia (and my choices too) or his pain too, somehow ok??

Reply
Ang link
4/14/2015 07:51:33 pm

Going to get a breast exam at the Women's Health Clinic...they actually came to the waiting room "looking" for me and overlooked me because of my masculine appearance 3 times before actually calling my name....it was embarrassing enough to just be sitting in that waiting room...this was pre-top surgery, my final mamogram appointment.

Reply
Mal
4/17/2015 01:56:47 am

This is a little different but, hanging out with women in public who are straight always makes me feel a little bad because when you look like an obvious dyke, like I do, they generally get assumed to be one by association and get dirty looks right along with me, not to mention get asked questions, and much to the dismay of one of my former straight roommates, they don't get hit on by men when we're out. It's not necessarily something we can't do, but it still makes one butchy dyke feel pretty awful for her straight female friends who still choose to hang out with her in public.

Reply
lexi
5/8/2015 06:25:26 am

Shopping. My girlfriend is butch and mas uline. While I am more feme. She asks for me to accompany her shopping especially for bras as to aviod the sleezy "man looking for sexy underware for his girlffriend" stares. She also cant win in the mens clothing deparment either. Its a whole shopping trip of akward glares from people. Sometimes when were out I catch men staring at her trying to decide wether shes a woman or a man. Society is crazy and being a butch lesbian has its complications, but all you can do is take it in stride and have a sarcastic attitude!

Reply
alex
5/23/2015 02:20:35 am

i usually try to talk walking into the restroom, calmly and slowly, making eye contact and smiling.

Reply
Aggie
8/8/2015 08:26:51 pm

Disclaimer: if I stare at you in public toilets it is only because I admire you (i.e. all butches altogether) :)

Reply
Griff
10/15/2016 09:58:56 pm

I do the same thing. I even found this by looking up if it was bad that I stare at other butches. I'm just like 'there's still hope for me!!' When I see them in the store or something.

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