Awkward Butch Moments

6/15/2012

Nothing like a little gender nonconformity to add to the world's awkwardness, is there? I thought I'd list a few butchiness-induced (and sometimes just lesbian-induced) awkward moments that have happened to me or to friends of mine in the past few months:

A work acquaintance calls you a "lady" and you squirm a little. As if that wasn't bad enough, she then writes you an awkward note of apology in which she seems to assume that you are trans.
A man accidentally follows you into the ladies' restroom.
You're out to dinner with your ex-husband and people assume that you're a gay male couple.
You meet a very feminine woman and make some statement that assumes she's straight, then she has to correct you.
You're watching a slapstick movie with your parents and some over-the-top butch lesbian stereotype in flannel appears on the screen and they don't know whether they are supposed to laugh and you all stare at the screen in awkward silence.
A kid points at you in grocery store, loudly asking, "Mommy, is she a mens or a womans?"
You're checking out a cute boi from behind, when the boi turns around and it's a sixteen-year-old high school guy who looks like Justin Bieber, and then you just feel yucky.
Your mom wants to buy you some (women's) tennis shoes and asks what size you wear and you realize you have absolutely no idea what size you wear of any women's clothing.
Some straight girl is checking you out, then you see it dawn on her that you're female and she becomes uncomfortable.
Someone tells you that you and your girlfriend "could be sisters" when in fact the only physical characteristics you share is that you are both white women with short hair.

Okay, your turn--and I know some of you have some good ones: what awkwardness has your butchiness (or even your lesbianness in general) created recently?

31 Comments

AJ link

6/16/2012 02:32:08 am

When a store clerk invites "daddy" to help our 7 year old pick out shoes...only for the 7 year old to look at her quizzically and say, "that's my mom." Awkward questioning stares all around.

Kat

6/16/2012 03:46:20 am

When you use the women's room at work and a female customer comes into the bathroom, thinking you are a man and only in there to clean the restroom, even though you are talking to her and just trying to wash your hands and return to work.

Cirrus link

6/16/2012 03:53:06 am

When you grow your hair out a little, and everyone who would have called you "Sir" before now calls you "Bro." o_o;;;

6/16/2012 04:14:42 am

Close to your #6--the other day, I had to listen to a little kid thinking out loud in the locker room about me, the abbreviated version of which is: "Mommy, is that a girl or a boy? This is the girls' locker room, right Mommy? So he must be a girl, right Mommy? Because he couldn't be in here if he wasn't a girl, right Mommy?" The mother just kept repeating, "Shoes! Put on your shoes!"

Amy

6/16/2012 05:37:11 am

Going into a public (women's) bathroom and being yelled at because I don't belong in there has happened more than once. And various men and women address me as sir on a regular basis and I realize I PREFER that but then after they say it and I don't correct them they realize their mistake and we all feel weird.

6/16/2012 06:22:08 am

I need a better name. I hate this one - it's too girly.

Judith

6/16/2012 02:47:45 pm

Tell that to Amy Ray. Or Amy Earhart. (Okay, she probably went by the full Amelia, but just go with it.) Your name is as girly or not-girly as you make it to be. ;)

Cheryl

6/16/2012 08:53:13 am

i'm hanging out with some people I don't know too well who are quite a bit older than me, and people ask if I'm their son.

6/18/2012 07:11:10 am

LOL. that's got to be REALLY awkward!

Blue

6/16/2012 10:19:09 am

The flirty girl realizing you're not a guy happened to me the other day at work. Luckily, since it was at work, I wasn't being flirty back, just nice, but it was still super awkward. She did a double take and wouldn't look at me the rest of the conversation.

Beatle

6/16/2012 12:14:27 pm

Someone tells you that you and your girlfriend "could be sisters" when in fact the only physical characteristics you share is that you are both white women with short hair - yeeees! :)

Levi link

6/18/2012 12:40:33 am

Meeee toooooo! As soon as I read this list last night, I passed it to my girlfriend, and we both cracked up. Sisters? WHY? It grosses me out, because I do have sisters.

Almost everything on this list has happened to me except #9. I have had straight girls become bicurious in my presence, though---I think I push enough of their "cute boy" buttons that they suddenly become fascinated by the possibility that they could be into other genders. If I was into straight girls, this would probably be heaven... but I prefer the queer ones.

harper link

6/19/2012 09:54:54 am

this happens to me more than i care to count. in fact, happening at work right now! wildly frustrating!

CassandraToday link

6/17/2012 07:05:15 am

My g/f and I are both trans women. She's pretty butch; I'm pretty not; we're both pretty queer. From time to time, people see us as a straight couple, which is weird and awkward for any number of reasons, including the fact that she transitioned 30 years ago and I 6. Occasionally we both get sir'd, though I think that's usually somebody's clever-snarky way of saying they can tell that we're trans. Most of the time we're both read as female, though, and that leads to something I find even more bizarre - straight people automatically label us as lesbians. It's like there's only a certain number of boxes you're allowed to fit in, so we're lesbian whether we identify that way or no. Personally, even though I tend to hang out with lesbians and move pretty comfortably in lesbian society, I've never seen that as part of my understanding of who I am. If we're talking about "orientation", I don't fit anywhere on the straight/bi/lesbian scale at all - if I pick a label, I'll say I'm queer-oriented - generally more attracted to queer people than straight people. Butch women, effeminate men, and especially genderqueer folk are who catch my eye. I think a lot of the issues coming up, in the post and in the comments, come from seeing a limited number of boxes that people should fit in, and the sudden cognitive dissonance when confronted with someone who's not just in a different box, but doesn't buy into the whole concept of boxes at all.

Kali

6/17/2012 07:05:41 am

For definite my worst one recently was when my mother saw my newly trimmed crew cut and asked if I "was one of those girls who want to be a boy". She seemed much happier with the idea that I might be a closeted trans man than a lesbian.

Also someone at work asked me who the man was in our relationship, then didn't know what to say when I replied "both of us".

Catherine

6/17/2012 01:04:44 pm

I had the last happen to me at work as well. It was a bit more awkward, as the response to 'both of us' was;
"Well, yeah, but who *really* wears the pants?"
[gently raised eyebrow] "Both of us." And the conversation awkwardly ended.

6/18/2012 07:40:23 am

I've ended similar situations by politely asking if they're trying to ask which of us wears the strap on. Its always fun to watch people squirm when they realise that "which one is the man" is basically like asking "who's the top" :D

LVP

6/17/2012 08:03:46 am

How about when the non-too-bright coworker says 'hey, I saw you at the store last night- I didn't realize you were old enough to have a teenage son.' ...in front I about 10 people who realize he's talking about my younger, butcher girlfriend.
Luckily my workplace is so cool we all burst into peals of laughter and then we had to console him ;)

jomo

6/17/2012 11:18:37 am

The multiple double-take when I'm out with my adult daughter who is very femme/girly.
Phase 1. Store assistant refers to me as her 'father'. She eyeballs them and says "That's not my father."
Phase 2. Instantly, they assume that we're a het couple with a significant age difference. (Compounded by the fact that my daughter who is 34 looks about 17.) Suddenly I'm a cradle snatcher.
Phase 3. They take another longer look at me and realise I'm female. Now we're a lesbian couple and I'm a dyke cougar. Oy.
Phase 4. My daughter says "That's my mum."
Phase 5. We can see the store assistant's brain melting down as they process and reprocess the information.

These incidents take about 5 seconds to a minute. My daughter is vastly amused by the reaction, and feels that she is somehow defending me.

I'm feeling a bit challenged by the whole thing. Usually when shopping I get read as male and I sometimes get 'Sir-Ma'am'-Sir'.

butchwonders link

6/18/2012 02:36:00 am

OMG, hilarious recounting of this... thanks for sharing. I've totally experienced something similar, except when I'm out with *my* mom (and I'm the young dude, or she's the cougar). eeeew. Reminds me of Margaret Cho's bit about how her mom always holds her hand when they're out shopping... unless they're in a gay neighborhood!

6/18/2012 10:21:14 am

My daughter is very touchy-feely and likes to hold hands too... no wonder we're read as a couple!

6/18/2012 07:16:51 am

OMG. that's amazing - 5 phases of awkward! I've gotten "Sir--mmm uh, how would you like that wrapped?" maybe that can be a new title: Sirm.

Stacey

6/17/2012 12:28:16 pm

Number 7 happens to me a LOT, and I always feel the need to scrub myself afterwards.

6/18/2012 03:01:56 am

Oy, my little sister is still in high school. I was at a function with her, checking out some cute lesbian (I'm not much older than they...I tell myself it's less creepy that way.) She turns around...and is still pretty cute! Then she opened her mouth, and I realized she was a teenage boy. Bluch. Not only do I feel like a cradle robber, but I curse JBiebs for making that look so popular.

teri

6/18/2012 12:10:09 pm

when you're having a good conversation with a some one and you decide you want to exchange numbers so you can hang out or talk again sometime, and she thinks you're trtying to date her and says something like, oh no thanks. cause my husband......i wasn't trying to date the b****. lol

maddox link

6/18/2012 04:48:04 pm

Oh how fun! Where do I start?

Let's see, #2 "man follows you into ladies room"
YES. One time I think I induced a chain effect... I was done, and waiting outside for my girlfriend to come out. Awkward stare from a guy. Then another guy exits the ladies room. Eyebrows raised. Then another. And another. And suddenly everyone outside starts laughing at the confusion, and explaining to their husbands how hilarious it was that 5 guys didn't realize they were in the ladies room! (Yet it all started with me...)

#10: Sisters? No. But (teenaged) brother and sister, or cousins, yes. Yesterday topped it off, we got Mother and Son, alas, from a 5 year old. My girlfriend looks at most 20, I look 15.

Let's see...
- Weird stares from co-workers and friends as I enter/exit the men's restroom (and they still don't get it?)
- Store ladies always incredulous at me having a credit card, asking for ID, and meticulously staring at it
- Getting skipped for a pat-down at the airport because the guard clearly can't decide who should pat me down.
- Getting ma'amed, sir'ed, apologized, ma'amed, then re-sir'red. All for ordering a cup of coffee.
- Being my couple friends' son.
- The waitress asking my girlfriend if we need a children's menu.

Jomo

6/29/2012 10:13:08 am

The "Sir - uuh Ma'am - uuh sorry Sir" can be so awkward.
I feel for them. I wonder why they need to get it right in their own minds.
I'm quite comfortable with 'Sir'. And sometimes I say so, but they still look confused and embarrassed. But I was recently reminded by a femme friend of the importance of educating people about gender stereotypes and assumptions. We were out to dinner and the waiter did the classic doubletake with profuse apologies. She told the waiter "My friend is a butch woman who identifies as a 'Mann' spelt M-A-N-N. she doesn't mind being called 'Sir'!"
(Love assertive femmes!)
We suddenly became very much the focus of ALL the restaurant staff. Got excellent service - but felt like an exhibit on display.

6/19/2012 09:59:12 am

when a co-worker offers to do your makeup and help you pick out a cocktail dress for a black tie office function. blerg

Edison

6/19/2012 10:05:15 am

I was waiting in line at the bank a while back for the mom in front of me to finish her transaction. She had a little boy in a stroller who was being good and playing with I dunno what... lint, his fingers, thin air. All of a sudden he looks up, sees me, cracks the hugest grin and starts waving and going 'Dada! Dada! Dadadadadaaaa!' and pointing at me. The mom ignored him at first, until he got a lot louder in his glee of seeing who he thought was his Dada. I thought she was going to sink into the floor when she turned around and read me as female. The more she shushed him the louder he got. It didn't bother me really, he was too damn cute, but I did feel a little bad for her as she was clearly mortified.

Amy L

6/29/2012 09:13:52 am

My favorite is when a straight woman asks what my husband's name is when I am decked out head to toe in men's clothing! Really, I'm dressed just like your husband and you think I'm married to man!

Allaryce link

4/15/2013 05:23:34 pm

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