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There's No Buddies Like Butch Buddies

5/9/2011

11 Comments

 
You can have straight buddies, trans buddies, tall buddies, and small buddies.  But you definitely need some butch buddies.  There's a unique, comforting tenor to my relationships with my butch friends that I just can't get anywhere else.

See, butch buddies share some cultural commonalities.  Other butches know what it's like to be called "sir" at a coffee shop, have experienced the indignity of wearing a bridesmaid's dress, have struggled over whether to wear a tie to a job interview, and have lived through near-flat-top experiences at the local barber shop.  It's important to have people with whom you can bond (and laugh) about this kind of stuff.

Sure, you're not going to be friends with some chick just because of your shared affinity for Axe deodorant.  But if you DON'T have a trusted cadre of butch buds, seek 'em out--they can be useful in a multitude of situations:
  1. Shopper.  It feels far less weird to shop in the men's department when I'm shopping with my buddy C.  For one, I'm not the only woman in the men's dressing room.  For another, we can swap inside info about which brands of dress shirts best accommodate breasts.
  2. Advisor.  Especially if your butch buddy is older than you, she's got some experiences you can learn from.  If you need to find something passably gender normative to wear for the holidays that won't make you feel like you're in drag, this butch buddy is your woman.
  3. "Guy stuff" tutor.  Unless you enjoyed an ultra-progressive childhood, there are probably one or two "guy" things that you were never socialized to learn.  This could be tying a tie, changing your oil, assembling IKEA furniture, or driving a stick shift.  But whatever your gender-normalized Achilles heel may be, some other butch has figured it out, knows you're embarrassed that you can't do it, and will teach you how.  She may make fun of you in the process, but don't be fooled--you're stoking her butch ego, so it's a total win-win.
  4. War buddy.  Sometimes navigating as a non-gender-normative person in a gender-normative world can suck!  People aren't always nice to you.  It's self-affirming to be able to exchange stories with someone who really gets it.  (And who won't say things like, "If you don't want to be treated differently, maybe you should dress a little more feminine.")
  5. Reality checker.  I think that in general, butches tend to be straight shooters.  You can relate a story about an argument you had with your girlfriend, then ask, "Was I being a dick?"  And if you were, your butch buddy won't hesitate to let you know.

Each of my friends fills an important role in my life, but I know I'd feel a peculiar loneliness without butch buddies--one that stems from having a part of yourself that no one else can really "get."
11 Comments
Victoria link
5/9/2011 08:58:36 pm

Great blog! It's amazing how many of us have so many of the same blogs on our blogroll. What a great community to be a part of.

I'm really looking forward to reading your blogs. My butch doesn't have any butch friends, so I go as her femme to help with the clothing situation. :) I think all your points are perfect.

Reply
Paige
2/22/2012 09:20:34 am

As a butch without any butch buddies (YET!), I wanted to tell you that I think it is kick ass that you go with your girlfriend/tomboyfriend/partner/?? when she goes shopping. My partner does that with me, and just knowing that she is willing to expose herself (she is also femme) for my comfort level makes it all worth it. Kudos!

Reply
BW link
5/10/2011 03:27:48 pm

Thanks for the compliment! I'm glad you're enjoying the blog so far. A great online community, indeed.

I'm sorry to hear that your butch doesn't have any butch friends... do you guys live somewhere without much of a gay community? In any case, she's lucky you're willing to go with her!

Reply
Kyle link
5/12/2011 08:17:24 am

Excellent post. Now you've got me thinking about my butch friends and which roles they fill.. and which roles need to be filled.

Reply
Geek Porn Girl link
5/16/2011 01:13:22 pm

I can only tie a tie, assemble IKEA furniture, and drive a stick shift. I'm secure in my femme identity :) (And my potential future as a fork-lift driver.)

Reply
Jax link
6/14/2011 03:25:16 am

I lost all my butch friend once I moved to Texas for school. I never had many, but it does help to have friends that you assume won't look at you strange for your choice of clothes or whatever. Now that we're in year 7 of my wife being sick (the worst years being the past 4) I don't get out to make friends (if I got past my shyness to even try) so there is definitely a gap in my life. I've got a lot of great people in my life, but it does suck being the only gay people we know in the area. The saddest part is we live in Houston! There are so many people here, but it's just not easy to go find them. Strangely enough I had more friends when I lived in the middle of the desert of California.

So yes, I agree with you. I used to say I wish I had more gay friends, but really I think I miss having butches around. It sucks being the lone representative. Though there is another butch at work who I just started interacting with professionally. That helps a bit. :-)

Thanks for your blog. I'm slowly catching up on it. Perhaps it'll remind me to use mine more. It's been a while since I talked about gender or sexuality there.

Reply
Catmo
6/14/2011 10:36:31 am

I'm having a lazy day and catching up ... This is So dern funny and relevant. I'm in my 40's but feel like a kid in a candy store, since discovering butches, MY PEOPLE via the internet! I've always been different, and while my family took my being gay fairly well...the "butch" thing was too much for most of them, ( I make them un comfortable). I've been a loner since I was a kid. because I never knew anyone LIKE me, I mostly kept people at arms length. It's always felt safer that way. So though I don't have any "butch buddies" I have your excellent blog. Your doing great. So thanks, Buddy.

Reply
Juli
2/22/2012 04:11:39 am

I don't have a dyke buddy I'm not sure why? Maybe their intimidated by my looks or just don't think I would make a good friend, but I can relate to any"dude" that can think like me and my "sports-and-cars-chicks" attitude.

Reply
bigmerk
3/10/2012 11:10:01 am

Butch Buddies,,,,,This sounds like a doll Ha Ha!!!!!!!!! I am always lookin for great people to talk to,,,Love this Blog,,E-mail me anytime I am a old school butch.

Reply
ADK
7/23/2012 11:40:24 pm

a "peculiar loneliness" pretty much sums it up... this blog helps enormously-- thanks :-)

Reply
Leah link
8/25/2015 04:45:39 pm

It was a very good post indeed. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it in my lunch time. Will surely come and visit this blog more often. Thanks for this informative share.

Reply

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