Butch-Butch Relationships Redux
I've written in the past about butch-butch relationships, but it's been a few years, and I've slowly been seeing more and more interest in the topic. Last month alone, popular search terms included:
can two butch lesbians date
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Am lesbian butch attracted to other butch
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Its possible that butch and butch they can date
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do butch lesbians have sex with each other
And that's just a small slice. Given that there's so much interest out there about butch-butch relationships, I thought I'd better take them up again.
As regular readers know, I am attracted almost exclusively to other butchy types myself. My partner is more typically "butch" than I am, although she doesn't like labels. When I first came out, I knew instinctively that I was attracted to more conventionally masculine-looking than feminine-looking women, but I also thought there must be something a little wrong with me, because all the other butchy-looking women I knew were interested in feminine women. Even if they didn't date "femmes," they certainly weren't interested in other women who were mistakenly called "sir" at the grocery store.
But I was.
Since my attractions seemed so unusual, I figured I must be in some kind of denial. Once I was "comfortable" being gay, I'd be interested in femmes... right? So I tried dating feminine women. But for me, there was no zing there. No allure. It was fine, but not exciting. Dating other butchy or androgynous or soft butch types, on the other hand, was awesome. I loved it. I could relate to these women, we could understand each other, and most importantly, it had that magic tension and mystery and excitement that romance is supposed to have.
Sometimes I say that being a butch-loving butch is like being gay within the lesbian community. I've had other butches tell me that they think it's "gross" to date other butches. (I just smile and tell them that dating butches makes me extra, super, mega-gay.) And it can be really hard to find butch or androgynous types who date other butch or androgynous types. But trust me... if it's what you're into, it's the best.
Here's my advice for butches looking for other butch types to date:
In sum: yes, butch lesbians date each other, have sex with each other, break each others' hearts, and have awesome relationships. Just like butch-femme couples, femme-femme couples, straight couples, gay male couples, and everyone else. You may not hear about it all the time, but there's plenty of butch-butch love out there.
10/4/2015 05:20:23 am
Thank you for revisiting this. It's a topic near and dear to my heart. Too many people, straight and queer, seem to have difficulty wrapping their brains around butch-butch pairings.
10/4/2015 11:20:26 am
Thanks for commenting! I don't know many bisexual butches, but I do bet you face some serious bias in the queer community over that, too! For some reason, people seem to accept the idea that femmes are bi more readily than they do the idea that butches or androgynous folks are bi.
5/13/2017 01:13:41 pm
I'm a bi (pansexual) soft butch. Hard finding the same soft butch for me. Maybe one day I'll meet someone. Alot of times you say u are bi sexual in the gay community they get made like pick a side already. I should be able to date whom ever I want with out being put down for it. #loveislove
2/19/2016 06:59:40 pm
Bi Butch,OMG! The description of your likes and how you are and see and think things, is exactly how I am ? Can't believe someone out there feels and thinks and likes same things as me, unbelievable! I'm not strange I guess. Weird.
6/9/2016 08:14:53 am
We are just so awesome!
6/8/2016 06:04:19 pm
Wow it's both great to hear their are other bi girls like me who are attracted to more butch girls but also depressing to learn that I have another hurdle to overcome. I mean it's taken me till age 29 to start coming out as bi because of everyone telling me my orientation doesn't exist and now I find out that as a more butch girl I have yet another problem other than biphobia to deal with.
6/9/2016 08:17:00 am
It just takes a bit more time to find a butch partner, but it is doable. Yeah, I hate that biphobia and bi erasure. Grrr.
7/6/2020 06:49:42 am
I'm a hardbutch and I'm attracted to same like me .. I can relate .. Hard to find and I'm shy to tell . sorry for my english I'm asian.
10/4/2015 09:36:25 am
Thanks for this post! Soon after coming out, I noticed that I would dress more feminine when I knew I would be at a party or dance where I might have flirting opportunities with cute women. (Which for me meant cute butch women!) I figured it just made it easier. Now I'm more confident and don't change myself so much for other people...it feels good.
10/4/2015 11:21:38 am
Although I can't relate to the idea of throwing on a fancy dress (the horror!!) even once in a blue moon, I am stoked that you have found what's right for you, and are being true to yourself. Rock on.
10/4/2015 11:06:42 am
i hate labels...but sometimes a necessary evil in conversation...THAT being said...i consider myself varying degrees of "butch"...i enjoy looking at women and even some men...but have ALWAYS been attracted to other butch women...and am married to one.
2/19/2017 03:39:07 pm
I love butch type women and can't wait to find mine
4/9/2020 12:05:42 am
10/4/2015 04:30:44 pm
Thank you for this!
10/4/2015 05:31:05 pm
I like to think I'm pretty butch and my girlfriend is pretty feminine. When I first came out I was married and preeetty girly but with a hint of androgyny and eventually made a slow transition into butchhood. I've always been interested pretty much solely in femmey women and my girlfriend likes aaaallll different kinds of women. I am always baffled when she points out a butch woman she's attracted to, and though I've tried, seriously, to see that thing that she sees in butch women, (aside from thinking, "yeah I mean I can see why people would be into butch women") I just don't. BUT, after reading various novels/short stories, etc. about butch-butch relationships and having my girlfriend show me, specifically a tumblr page dedicated to butches loving* butches, for some reason my mind is completely fascinated with the idea of two butches together. I'm still not attracted to them, myself, but I think two butches together is hot. Is that weird? My girlfriend reassures me it's not.
10/4/2015 06:18:32 pm
You're not weird, and it is hot. It's like two powerful thunderstorms crashing into each other, lots of electricity. Also, I find that a butch is uniquely qualified to give another butch just what they need, and to catch each other's hearts and hold them close in their strong, protective arms.
10/25/2017 01:58:44 am
You said that you read books about Butch/Butch pairings, can you name those books? I've been trying to find books of that type of lesbian relationship in different places but with little success......
10/6/2015 08:42:15 am
When I first came out just a few years ago, I deliberately refrained from adopting the more masculine look that I wanted to try, because I didn't want people assuming things about my personality based on what I chose to wear. My fiancee and I both present as MOC, but neither of us are what people typically think of as "butch." I think it confuses people! When I proposed (at a Melissa Etheridge concert, of course), some woman behind us felt the need to tell us that she didn't "believe in dyke love anymore." That sure was special.
10/8/2015 09:10:40 pm
Finally, there is something of substance on the internet about this. I am so grateful to have found this article. I always feel like I am alone among my friends since they have no idea of my persuasion to butch women. I have only recently come to the realization that I am attracted to butch women more than I have ever been to feminine women. I guess I was suppressing it or never really understood why I had these intense pulls towards masculine of center women. In many circles within the LGBT community it is looked down upon, so when I finally figured it out it terrified me for so many reasons one being where was I going to find a butch woman who also likes butch women. It has been about a year and a half since then. I get discouraged when I want to approach a woman I do find attractive because they get offended and make a scene, and that is not what I want. I am still trying to figure out a safe space to meet other women like me, fingers crossed. Anyways thanks again for posting this it truly made my day.
10/9/2015 04:07:55 am
Yay! I really loved your article! I have been a girly, extremely promiscuous heterosexual woman since my Father shot me down at the age of 15 by asking in disgust if I was a F#%$ing DYKE? It led to many many hard situations, lengthy heterosexual sentences of marriage and self denial till I was 40. I am butch, I dress in men's clothing, underwear, shoes and have a men's haircut. I too have absolutely no love interest in pretty femm women. In fact, the idea of being with a femm lesbian would give me the same feeling of sexual disappointment I lexperienced as a heterosexual woman.
8/2/2017 04:06:26 pm
I can completely relate to your situation, Chris!
10/20/2015 11:05:35 am
Finally an article addressing this, I present as MoC, some call me butch some can me androgynous, I call me comfortable with being me. I am and have only been attracted to MoC women but this means dating pool is a little smaller in the pond size. The worst is women assuming I'm pre op ftm (nothing wrong with that if that's you) which just isn't me, they don't get I'm happy being MoC/butch and being very very attracted to andro/MoC/butch women whatever the label is. Now the challenge is to find someone that feels the same...
10/20/2015 01:04:12 pm
I think you and I should start that Butch-4-Butch dating site! Lol. 😋
10/20/2015 01:28:09 pm
We may have something there. But what is butch 💪🏼😉 There's a whole other discussion . Love this blog
10/20/2015 11:07:52 am
Why isn't there a butch-butch online dating site, there seems to be a site for everyone else? Or is there and I'm missing the party?
8/21/2016 09:12:20 am
I myself wonder the same thing. I don't understand it at all. If there's an interest there should be a site for that. Sadly pof has butch women but most of them are looking for femme. So if you ever find one please let me know. :)
10/10/2016 11:09:22 am
Butch for butch dating site I will be the first to sign up
4/8/2017 11:56:13 am
I'm thinking I might take a stab at setting up a site for butch-4-butch, or a Facebook group. There is a FB group called "Just Butch" I belong to that might be a starting place. A number of butches in that group are b-4-b and some are looking for a partner.
3/22/2017 08:37:05 am
So I love this topic so very much and yet somewhere inside of me when I read this there is a bit of sadness that gets to me. I know this has nothing to do with anything externally and more to do with my own internal struggle of identity. I have lived my life in so many different roles and identities and feel a bit of a struggle internally that I often believe is related to all of those experiences. I grew up very femme and at a Catholic school. In high school I started to dress and be a bit more tomboy or sporty dyke. Though I still had long hair and was totally awkward. In my late teens I shaved my head and tried to do the spiky hair femme look and was on the hunt for old school butches. I have always been attracted to more butch women and female masculinity. As time went on I learned about being gender queer and transfer. I went from being more butch in appearance to passing as male. I lived my life that way for an entire year. I dated a few femme because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I had many femme women approach me and hit on me. And I would say I knew how to be a pretty great butch girlfriend. I knew how to treat a femme because deep down, I also wanted to be treated that way. Looking back, I also was not terribly attracted to the physical appearance of femmes. I eventually came to the conclusion that I must be more femme because I liked the way I was treated when I appeared more femme than when I did not.
4/26/2017 11:35:58 am
The admin of the Facebook group "Just Butch" set up an offshoot FB group, "Just Butches Seeking Butches"!!!!!! It's a way for B4Bs to find each other.
10/8/2017 09:17:26 pm
I also struggled In high school and didn't come out until my twenties. I'm a soft butch, don't like labels either. My first relationship was with a butch and lasted 4 years. one of her friends had told me early in our relationship that we wouldn't last cause we were 2 butches. That stuck with me and dated a few sporty femmes, nothing lasted. I met my current partner Ten years ago and we married each other almost two years ago.
10/11/2017 02:04:23 pm
My comment is directed to Worriedsoftbutch, firstly, if your partner is ready to stray outside of your relationship, there is pretty much nothing you can do as far as I see it. The reason I say this is because, people cheat, stray, and look around for someone else sometimes when they are not happy in themselves. It literally has nothing to do with you, if I can be so blunt. Your partner said she gave up a part of herself for you. Well... That was solely her choice, so don't feel bad, but do know that, if someone isn't honest with themselves, for years, and then begins living that lie for someone else, the RESENTMENT becomes a bitch. It's a sad situation, and I would bet money on the fact that she doesn't want to hurt you, but if she is unhappy and you are unhappy, and she seems to want out, wouldn't that be best for all concerned? Your situation isn't falling apart because you are both butch, its because one of you wasn't completely honest about sexual preference from the beginning, OR sexual preference changed as she travelled further along the journey to herself.
10/25/2017 02:11:29 am
If anybody can recommend any movies/tv shows/books that contains Butch/Butch pairings then please reply under my comment. Thank you very much and i love this topic. I"m glad that you all are shining a light on this subject.
10/30/2017 01:01:29 am
I can only recommend books.
11/1/2017 06:39:21 pm
I accidentally unsubscribed to this topic.Thank you.
1/8/2018 08:52:26 am
I have a Goodreads list of books that include mentions or stories of butch/butch or gender non-conforming couples: https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/68718254-mich?shelf=butch-and-gnc-couples-or-mentions
8/7/2018 08:20:19 pm
Hi there! First time here and diggin' your blog!
2/18/2022 06:53:37 pm
Mmmm yum! I am a short butch and am usually very dominant! But I see another butch and I melt into a puddle of mess.. I think it would be amazing to date another butch! Unfortunately it’s only a dream at this point. I feel like blood in the water of the shark femmes and I’m just not cool enough to attract another butch lol yes I am my butch self but whoa whoa WHOA! When I actually SEE a butch being all butch with their butchness!!!! Phew.. I’m done lol
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