Butches and Body Image

5/6/2013

I attended an amazing event this weekend, where I got the privilege of spending two days with some of the most accomplished, dynamic LGBTQ folks I've ever met. More on that in a future post, but while I was there, someone asked me what topics I've wanted to address on BW but haven't gotten around to, or that I've found it too hard to write about. I had two answers: (1) Butches and race; (2) Butches and body image.

The former is hard to write about because, as a white woman, it's impossible for me to speak from personal experience about how being a racial minority interacts with butchness. Sure, I can talk about whiteness + butchness, and maybe I will--but I'm still looking for a guest blogger of color to write a post about this (hit me up if you're interested). Number (2) is hard to write about because it's such a touchy topic for so many people. But I'm going to take my new friend up on his challenge anyway, and delve into the topic of butches and body image.

First, my experience. I'm not exactly "fat," and I'm usually pretty active (well, when I'm not dealing with mono, whooping cough, or a broken foot). But I'm carrying around about 30 pounds more than I'd like, and the BMI scale puts me solidly in the "overweight" category. I've lost 12 lbs this year without giving up ice cream (because, like, let's be realistic, people), and hope to lose a bit more. So I know firsthand what it's like to be hefty, though admittedly I don't know what it's like to be obese. (And I really don't know what it's like to be thin.)

I've had multiple butches confide body image issues to me, though always one on one, and sometimes anonymously. There's a sense out there that it's just not "butch" to talk about being insecure about your physical appearance. Most butches don't talk about this with one another; to whom are we supposed to talk about it? A girlfriend in front of whom we're trying to appear confident? A male friend? A straight female friend? Frankly, none of those options sound appealing.

Furthermore, diet and exercise present special problems for butches, which mirror some of the problems faced by straight men. Butches trying to lose weight may think they'll lose butch points if they admit to dieting. The diet industry paints monitoring food intake as something "feminine." I know I wouldn't feel comfortable telling a butch buddy that I'm on a diet. And when it comes to exercise, many of us want to look competent, because physical fitness is "butch," right? But what if we're wheezing after a half mile? What if we can't bench press as much as our femme friends can? Overall, it can be a lot easier to hide behind your butchness than to risk making yourself vulnerable. It's easier to "puff up" as you walk by the gym, but to avoid going in. And don't even get me started on swimsuits.

On the other end of the spectrum, some butches suffer from anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders. And these folks can feel invisible. It can feel decidedly un-butch to seek help for this. And available support groups may not contain a heck of a lot of people who look like you.

I hope to post more on this issue soon, but for now, I just wanted to get the topic out there. We think about our bodies, too, and a lot of us are self-conscious--and we don't always talk about it.

What do you think, butches? Is butchness and body image an issue you've ever thought about? Experienced? Heard about from others? What kinds of issues related to body image would you like to see addressed on BW?

33 Comments

Kylee

5/6/2013 12:20:35 pm

This is a huge struggle for me, especially since I went through gastric bypass surgery in December. I've always been obese and that's the only version of myself I've known. Now that I'm losing weight I'm more curvy and looking more fem. As a butch I hated the new curvy self but as time as gone on I kind of like it. Don't get me wrong, no lipstick and heels yet, but I like not being "sirred"

Michelle

5/7/2013 02:06:41 am

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor :)

CSIShadow

5/6/2013 12:31:28 pm

I have this trouble because not only does low fat mean just that (hello butt, thighs and belly), but I am also "top heavy" (for lack of a better expression). Throw in the fact that I am only 5'5"...I've altered my diet in terms of what I eat, but due to the insane work hours I keep... only way I can really work out is take a walk around the block... or join a 24 hour gym. In Utah, good luck in finding one of those. I am self conscious about how I look. I look at those around me, and I admit... I wanna look like them.

I know I'm not the only one.

Tina in GA

5/20/2013 02:00:45 am

I found this post a little late but thought I would say something anyway. I have always struggled with body image. My struggle has seemed to manifest itself with an almost hatred of my more than ample chest. I am butch and have embraced this about myself since my teens but have found that , as I get older, it is more difficult to dress the way I would like because "they" get in the way. Also, I work in the construction industry and catch the guys almost constantly sneaking a look down my shirt which I absolutely HATE. I am glad to know that I am not alone in my struggle but wish none of us had to struggle in the first place!

Alex link

5/6/2013 01:03:38 pm

I've been thinking about this subject too and also putting a post together about a similar thing on my own website. It's hard for us to write or talk about the insecurities we have with our bodies , i know that for sure. But as long as we don't talk about them, the more we will have the feeling we're the only one with these problems. Realizing you're not the only one who hates her breasts and swim suits and broad hips makes it already easier to deal with. I quess us butches are not the most talkative persons about these body issues, but we should give it a try now and then. Only we know how we feel... ( and maybe our lovers) and we have the knowledge that can empower others in a good way.

Rachel

5/6/2013 01:25:28 pm

I think both topics are awesome ones-- and I think its important for white folks to talk about race and about whiteness. That's part of an intersectional project- noticing how all positions are marked.

As for the body issue stuff; that's also an important issue that seems to resonates w lots of folks. I think we all understand the kinds of pressure femmes face around body stuff. At the same time, there's a bit more acceptance too. My woman likes me curvy so I don't freak too hard when I put on a few pounds over the winter- but its also a different situation for me as a femme. It doesn't interfere with how I present and I could see how for some folks it would. I think that's a topic that would be worthwhile to consider in more detail.

Max link

5/6/2013 02:22:47 pm

Man, BW, you read my mind today. I actually write about this quite a bit, since it's intrinsically tied to my identity as both butch and an actor. I'm endlessly working through the issue of losing weight - when I slim down, my body and presentation become more feminine, in a way that I'm still not comfortable with - I lose the veritable armor of my hefty size. I would love that to come into the conversation, because I'm certain I'm not the only one who feels like being bigger = more butch.

5/7/2013 02:21:38 am

I definitely agree with you there.

I could never imagine myself being "skinny" because I feel like it would take my masculinity/"butchness" away.

5/6/2013 06:00:12 pm

My body type undermines my butchiness/studliness. My lower half is large, curvy and feminine and its difficult to hide. I also hv a very soft feminine face, which also undermines my butchiness/studliness. My attitude and way of thinking is very masculine, but my physicality, which is beyond my control, can not be disguised as masculine.

5/6/2013 06:09:13 pm

Can't say I'm overly concerned with my weight. And the (silly) BMI would tell me I'm overweight too.

I really think the world would be a nicer place if everyone felt happy about themselves.

Oh and women (regardless of how they identify) with curves (or whatever you call it) are just as attractive as everyone else!

Janet

5/6/2013 06:19:34 pm

Hi BW,
I have always been 9.stone give or take and not really had to think about body weight issues at all, it is more of a challenge to eat well and keep weight on! These days since MS has hugely affected my physical appearance and capacity I miss the sense of comfortable swagger and confidence in looking ok. Nowadays when I'm walking with 2 sticks or using a wheelchair my butch identity has taken a knock, I'm still moving through that day to day and it's tough, so I'd say for me butch identity and disability is the biggy when it comes to body image! thanks for raising this as a topic
Janet

Jesse K.

5/6/2013 11:08:15 pm

Great post--more, more! A side note: BMI is a deeply flawed system. According to that scale (even adjusting for biological sex) my all-time favorite college quarterback and I have the same body. Ha, no.

5/7/2013 12:07:10 am

Good article. I have always used muscles as my armor. When I got in my mid 40s, I started to gain weight from hormonal changes and still eating fast food and drinking soda. I got fat and needed a change. This is a very butch diet. I don't think of myself as dieting just a lifestyle change. Check out the website. It helped me alot.
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/#axzz2ScDUzcaf

Also, someone should write about Butch and Menopause cuz that one really screwed with my head!

Thanks for the blog! I really enjoy it!

Kenni

5/7/2013 03:27:59 am

Great website, AJ. I went paleo back in December and though I fall somewhere in the middle of the butch-femme spectrum, I enjoy the muscular definition this has given me, not to mention seeing that at 50, I can reverse some health issues.

gil

6/10/2013 10:56:34 am

AJ - I am about to turn 50 and the menopause takes it all to another level with body image. Not only does your body betray you around changes in your skin and weight, you become more invisible and an aging person. And as your hormones rage and confidence slips, thought of being sexual disappears.

If anyone has any good recommendations re discussions around butch/menopause they would be gratefully received.

Anastasia

5/7/2013 12:28:38 am

I'm kinda butch, and I never actually had any of these problems. I am thin, and I can see where it makes me look more feminine than I really would like to be. With the workout thing, that is so true for me. But I try to bulk up by doing chinups whenever I can.

Jay

5/7/2013 12:43:24 am

I am not sure where I fall in the line between butch and trans, but all throughout self image has been a major point of contention specifically surrounding weight. I'm comforted and saddened to see that I'm not alone, because it is not something the masculine archetype is expected to be concerned with let alone express to anyone.

5/7/2013 02:18:15 am

Great topic.

I have always had body image issues. Currently, I am 60 lbs from where I was most happy with my physical self. I definitely have come a long way to accepting and loving my body for what it is and realizing that I am never going to change certain things about myself.

I was blessed with a very feminine body, and ever since coming out at 14 I have always tried to hide it. I always tried to wear baggy clothes and hide my "feminine qualities", which are very hard to hide.

I have been out 7 years now, and my identity has changed along with everything else in my life. But, what I can say is that I have come to love myself. We can all talk about how we wish we were 20-30-40-50 pounds lighter and all, but I think it is very important for butches to embrace themselves as women and really understand that it is an amazing thing to be a woman and it should be embrassed, along with our power and strenght that comes with being a butch lesbian.

Amy link

5/7/2013 04:48:49 am

Great, great post - and count me in the group of folks wanting more on these subjects.

5/7/2013 05:22:43 am

I am a relatively thin person, due in large part to genetics. I am lucky not to have gender-related dysphoria for the most part, but I still don't always love my body.

In general I'd like to see body image addressed from a perspective of loving one's body (which may include eating good food and finding a form of exercise that's enjoyable), not the "everyone must be thinner" mainstream mode of thought. I think as a society we do a lot of harm by focusing on weight as much as we do.

Also, I think sometimes there's an odd form of peer pressure towards gender dysphoria. I'm a masculine woman but I don't hate or dislike my breasts. I find underwire bras more comfortable than sports bras. And yet, for a while I felt this weird expectation/pressure to wear sports bras that mashed them down, at minimum, just because I have a crew cut and don't wear makeup and wear some men's clothes. I realize some people are at war with their breasts and I respect that and hope they find peace, whether by binding or top surgery or any other route, but maybe we can stop the expectation that butch/masculine women have a certain negative relationship with them.

5/8/2013 01:40:41 am

My new gf, who is wonderfully trans-friendly, delicately asked me (a butch cis-woman) what I prefer to call my chest, and whether/how I'd like it to be touched. I call 'em breasts, and always have, though I'd certainly be happier if they were a heck of a lot smaller. She was downright surprised. It turns out that very few butch-of-centre cis-women perceive this area as "breasts" or are comfortable having it referred to that way.

I, too, avoid sports bras (because they mess with my shoulders problems) and I get a certain glee from being very butch in presentation (crew-cut and shirt and tie, old-school butch) and having the gf and I know that I'm wearing a lacy bra.

To me -- and your mileage may vary, and I totally respect that -- the butchness comes from my brain, not someone else's opinion of my sartorial choices. This has been a hard road to acceptance, but I'm liking it.

Lauren

2/24/2014 01:49:41 pm

I can really relate about the pressure towards gender dysphoria! I am also a masculine woman...(don't know how I feel about that word atm) But regardless of my gender identity, I freaking love my body. I love my breasts, and think it's incredible that they will feed my children someday. I wear sports bras because they are a heck of a lot more comfortable, although I would prefer to just... not. haha!

I love your last statement. Please, can this "requirement" end, here and now? Just because I wear men's clothes doesn't mean that I don't love my body, and my breasts! :D

5/7/2013 06:56:06 am

Great post, BW. I have always been dissatisfied with my top half (belly, which is within my control, and D breasts, which are only within my control if I were to go under the knife), but lately I have found myself wishing to be "bigger," in ways that I have absolutely no control. I am curvy and "petite." I am 28, and my hands are the size of a 10-year-old girl's (literally). My feet are thin and "dainty," and my shoe size is 7.5 women's (which means it's nearly impossible to find men's shoes that fit). I am 5'4 and have very short legs, so it's hard to find men's clothes that fit. I wish I was taller. I wish my hands were bigger and stronger. I wish my feet could fit into men's shoes. I wish I could pick up my girl (we are more or less the same size) and give her piggy back rides. I wish she could sit on my lap without blocking my view. I know several butches who are naturally "man-sized" and it makes me SO jealous! I don't necessarily want to be "masculine," and I certainly don't want to be overweight, but I just want to be BIGGER if that makes any sense.

And have washboard abs, which is completely my fault. Ha.

Jess

5/19/2015 03:47:05 am

You are "man-sized." Michael J. Fox and Aziz Ansari do just fine.

It's funny, you are only an inch shorter than me, but your proportions sound different and your outlook is very different. I found this post because I feel the need to rock the super skinny, androgynous butch look that gets so much attention. I'm naturally thick and muscular and have never bulked up or worn baggy clothes as a way to hide my feminine shape. It's like there aren't any healthy images of what it's like to be a masculine presenting woman who isn't super heavy or super skinny.

Kyle Jones link

5/7/2013 09:33:42 am

In reading through the post and comments, something that keeps coming up is conflicts masculinity and/or masculine presentation. Maybe part of what needs to happen is that we need to rethink masculinity. Being out of shape is neither masculine nor feminine, trying to be healthy shouldn't be a mark against one or for the other.

I am 8 weeks into losing weight and getting into shape and have lost 9 pounds so far. I am counting calories, I am paying attention to serving sizes and to the quality of what I eat. I am becoming more active. I am getting healthier and I feel better, more energetic, more alive, happier. It's not about being butch or not, it's about me wanting to have a better life. I wish we could get to a point where we're not held back by judgments about whether something is butch or not, and instead concentrated on what makes us feel good, as individuals. Hell, if you identify as butch, then your diet is butch, your plan is butch, your body is butch, getting healthier is butch. And if your friends give you a hard time, educate their unsupportive asses.

We shouldn't allow restrictive definitions of butchness keep us from health whether it is a weight loss plan or visits to get our bits checked out. Repeat after me: Advocating for ourselves and working toward better health is butch.

Alen

5/7/2013 11:56:13 am

Similar to some of the above sentiments, I have had a lot of outward and inner judgments made about me due to size. I am short and thin, so have sometimes been labeled "andro" or "boi," or "boyish" or "on the masculine side of the spectrum," rather than butch. This is true even if I wear clothing or present in unmistakeably masculine ways. On the other hand, I am also frequently asked which pronoun I prefer and if I am trans-identified. Friends of mine who feel and present in less masculine ways, but are larger bodied, are labeled "butch" without hesitation - whether they embrace it or not. As, of course, do women who are larger bodied and very masculine in presentation. It is interesting, though, that I seem to be more frequently asked if I am trans-identified than my larger-bodied butch peers. It's as if "masculinity" makes sense in a larger-bodied, strong-jawed woman - she's just "butch" in some way that is almost "natural" or beyond her control. Whereas because I am smaller bodied and thinner (and, dare I say it, "pretty" at certain angles), there is an assumption that I am "choosing" this identity and that it is somehow more radical.

I think it is largely due to this that I have embraced the word, "queer" as my primary self-identification. I am atypical (in a hetero-normative world) on both the gender and sexuality spectrum. Yet, I have often wondered, if I were 3-4 inches taller and 30-40 lbs heavier, how that would change both how others perceive me and my own self-perception.

I was surprised a few months a few months ago when my girlfriend referred to me as, "butch" in a casual way. But, while I struggle with the label, we have a butch-femme dynamic and if I were larger-bodied, I doubt anyone would bother with any other word.

Elliott link

5/9/2013 03:10:53 am

It's interesting to hear it from your side. I'm decidedly more mannish than boyish, though my weight isn't the biggest factor there. I've often wistfully thought it might be easier to accept myself as masculine and move through the world if only I was a bit more "boi" than "butch." The latter has such ugly things attached to it, and it was (is still, sometimes) really hard to be okay with that.

I've wondered if I would be more strongly male-identified if my body didn't do such a good job advertising for me... your point about masculinity being perceived as more of a 'radical choice' if you're also potentially conventionally pretty is really interesting and I think it explains a lot of things I've never quite been able to put my finger on.

Azad link

5/7/2013 11:11:14 pm

for your first topic, i am white and was born in a Muslim family and a middle east country , seems a strange situation for a butch girl.i wish my english was better and i could talk about it better .
about our second topic , i faced it too ,my BMI is about 20.5 , but i wanna be skinny , cause when i wear pants i feel my legs seem girlish that i hate it and i should wear so loose pants or i should lose weight, and i wanna choose second one !

5/8/2013 01:49:45 am

I'm fat and am a fairly butch-of-centre white cis-woman. This is my story on the subject, and I fully acknowledge that I am both very privileged and incredibly lucky.

A couple years ago, I lost 100 lbs due to a serious illness. Suddenly I was at about 160 lbs, and many, many people started to see me differently. I deliberately started to really emphasize a masculine style (shirts and ties, vests, fedoras) even more than I had before.

I did this for two reasons: straight men were starting to look at me as attractive and I didn't like this, and I finally felt sexy.

Fast forward two years, and I have gained my weight back. My body likes being at this weight. Instead of desperately trying harmful things to lose the weight I am trying to embrace being me and healthy.

I have been aided by a new circle of friends of many genders who think that old-school butch is sexy, and that it doesn't matter a bit whether that old-school butch has big hips, or a chest that's encased in a bra.

I never identified as a boi, specifically because my image of a boi is skinny. This new peer group has helped me to see that my identity is my choice and that if I embrace a personal style, then that's enough to make it real.

Do I have a message? Yes. It's hard, but if you work at loving yourself and you find people who wish to embrace difference rather than judging anything that doesn't fit the "norm" (whatever the norm is), then big and butch is exactly as wonderful as medium-sized and butch and as small and butch.

Be who you are. It's sexy.

Angel

5/8/2013 10:16:21 am

Sports - especially bodybuilding - are the superglue of my mildly positive body-image. It's one of the few things keeps it positive and me from having to transition.

I've never been over- or underweight, so I can't really say anything about that, but I want to offer another perspective on dieting and the fear of looking stupid in the gym.

I guess I was lucky I got involved with bodybuilding really young and before I had internalized anything about "dieting" supposedly being "feminine". On the contrary, in the bodybuilding world, every serious bodybuilder will look at you askance if you don't have your diet in order - which means healthy and conducive to your training.

It took some time for me to learn though to check my ego at the gym-door. Everyone has to start somewhere, so when you start weightlifting your femme friend might indeed be able to bench more than you can. But that doesn't mean you should try to bench more than you can with good form - because THAT is the one thing that WILL make you look stupid. Ever watched people trying to do biceps curls with more weight than they can handle? How they wiggle around and swing the weights? Or them trying to bench more than they can handle? The way they bounce that bar off their chest makes you fear for their ribs and mentally rehearse everything you've ever learned about giving first aid. ;-) It all looks both horrible and hilarious. Proper weight training requires discipline, technical competence (how you bench is much more important than how much you bench), and dedication, and if those couldn't be considered butch, then I don't know what could. ;-)

5/9/2013 03:31:35 am

I would love to see more posts on butch and race! Maybe also consider looking for a guest post or interview with a butch trans woman? Tobi Hill-Meyer comes to mind, and I know I've seen others who do interviews/speaking, but I'm blanking on names. (Also, are you familiar with mtfbutches.tumblr.com? That blog is full of win and awesome people.)

I guess I think and write about body image a lot, because I'm actively considering top surgery. Is any of my desire for a flat chest weight-related? Am I being realistic about the results? etc. etc. etc. I have also spent a lot of time over the last few years asking myself what the line is behind the kind of body image problems that one just needs to get over mentally and the ones that merit surgery. Or if there is such a line, really. Maybe they're both acceptable choices?

I think the gradual realization of my butchness actually helped with a lot of my body image problems---not that they ever really rated as "mine," because I spent a lot of time as a teen doing really strange things to ignore my body; they were more... society's body image problems with me. All the masculine aspects that I privately didn't mind or even liked but which made me an "unattractive" woman (my jawline, my body hair, my height, my shoulders), it turned out there was not just a place but an *honored* place for those things in a different paradigm. Of course, realizing that "masculine" and "feminine" hips were different was one big and very bad discovery that came with the changeover.

It's illuminating (and sad) when most of your worries about your weight vanish the moment you stop comparing yourself to women and start comparing yourself to men. But then, I was always very tall, and I was lucky to realize early on that there was no sense even trying to compare my weight to other kids', and I'm certain that saved me a lot of grief from the start.

Nikita

6/15/2013 06:59:44 pm

i feel like i am way too skinny butch! almost like anorexic junkie about to fade

TheBeats

8/12/2013 04:34:46 am

I am considered a skinny butch. But not that skinny. I just wish I could gain a few more pounds cuz being skinny makes me a bit weak and I get tired easily. I'm just grateful though that because I'm skinny, the breasts arent showing much. And I wish society here would just let me dress the way I want to without giving me those strange looks. But even when I dont dress much like a man, people would still think I was a boy when they first see me. And when it happens that way, I'd have to stay quiet all the time because if I start talking, they'd know I'm a girl then and it'd be kind of embarrassing.

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