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Butches without Boobs 

6/4/2013

47 Comments

 
This is a guest post by a good friend of mine.  It deals with a question I've often received, but can't write about from personal experience: top surgery for non-FTM folks.  Intrigued?  Read on...

Top Surgery for Genderqueer, Gender Neutral, FAAB, or Otherwise Non-FTM-Identifying People

By: KJ

The decision to get top surgery—via a bilateral double mastectomy—did not come easy. I spent years agonizing over the fact that I had (quite large) breasts. I dumped heaps of cash into sports bras and binders, in search of the perfect containment vessel to make them less obtrusive. I spent years wishing boobs were detachable (like Wanda Sykes’ detachable v-jay), so I could keep them in a dust covered box in the back of my closet.

Why all this suffering and agony over a pair of breasts? Why, as an ardent feminist, could I not learn to love and appreciate that part of my body? Well, for starters:
  1. They never fit my image of myself
  2. They just got in the way of most of my athletic endeavors
  3. I derived no sexual pleasure from them (one of my post-op nipples is far more sensitive than my original nipple!)

You know when you’re out shopping and you see the male mannequins in the windows, looking all dapper in their vests and button down shirts, and you think, that’s my style? So you step into the store (in all your butchy genderiness), and try some on. The shirt won’t button around your breasts, the vest hugs your boobs all wrong, and the fit across the shoulders is too broad (and too narrow around the hips).

So for me, there was a disconnect between how I saw myself in the mannequin’s classy getup, and how the clothing fit my body. But fashion design is only part of the problem, since lots of cool designers are remedying this. It was also about how feminizing my boobs were—I’m blessed with fairly narrow hips that actually allow men’s pants to fit, and the curves of my boob-heavy upper body were psychologically unsettling. (Pro-tip: Post-surgery, shopping for tops in the boys’ section is where it’s at!)

It’s a psychology I still can’t exactly articulate, even after many therapy sessions (one of the hoops to leap through en route to surgery approval). But basically, as I grew older and explored more of the world, I met all sorts of queers who broadened my horizons and made me aware of this thing called “top surgery.” Wait... you mean they ARE detachable?

It was a big decision—especially since I’d never had surgery. That was the scariest part—letting someone cut me open, remove a bunch of tissue, and sew me back up. But the fantastic images running through my mind of having a flat chest, of throwing out the constricting undergarments forever, and of flexing visible pec muscles far outweighed my fears of surgery.

Still, there were lots of other factors to consider. First, I do not identify as a man, and have no intention of transitioning. Big psychological fear: my gender presentation already confuses people; will top surgery cause greater confusion? I’m okay with confusing people, but sometimes confusing people makes them oddly violent, and some people like to hurt people who don’t fit their idealized gender norms. I was, frankly, afraid of increased gender violence and social taunting. How would I negotiate public restrooms when I could no longer point to my boobs to ease the concern of the woman giving me sideways glances through the mirror? What about locker rooms or dressing rooms? Would I be mistaken for a teenage boy even more than I already am? Note: Again, I don’t mind the “sirs,” but when people think you’re a teenage boy, they don’t treat you like a capable adult. (But one perk is getting the giveaway toys and prizes for children 16 and under at festivals and special events!)

Well, here’s what I learned: People determine gender in sooooo many more ways than a glance at your chest. In fact, I am still mostly read as female and mistaken for male with about the same frequency as I was before surgery. Most people read me as female as soon as they see my face or hear my voice. They may silently wonder where my titties are hiding, but nobody has said anything about it.

In the three months since my surgery, I could not be happier with how I feel in my body, how my clothing fits, and how my chest looks.

Understandably, you might also be concerned about scarring your perfect body. I am doing lots of scar treatment to try to reduce and minimize my scars, though scarring was, to me, a small price to pay for living the rest of my life comfortably boob-free. Maybe surprisingly, I have actually grown fond of my scars; they’ve come to seem like a natural part of my body’s landscape, and my body seems more perfect with the scars than with boobs.

Another concern is dating. Who would want to date you if you hack off your tits? (Well, I’m actually a bit of a misanthrope, so dating is the least of my concerns, but I can certainly understand how scary that can be to find a person who will accept you and your boobless body.)  Guess what? There are people out there who will love you just as you are (with or without boobs). And if they don’t, you probably don’t want to date that person anyway.

One big fear that persists is how medical professionals would treat me post-op. Sure, I’ve navigated doctors’ gender weirdness with my hairier-than-your-dad’s legs and armpits. But fear of seeking out medical treatment is multiplied when you’re living in a surgically modified, non-gender-normative body.

Recently, I found myself in need of medical treatment (unrelated to my surgery), but I hesitated. What if the doctors and nurses were jerks to me and didn’t treat me well? Eventually, a loved one forced me into the car and drove me to the ER. After a moment’s hesitation, I told the first technician who was rigging me up to a machine that I’d had a double mastectomy so he wouldn’t be shocked when he had to stick some tabs on my chest. It didn’t faze him a bit, and we talked about gender and gayness and queerness and how much he enjoys boobs and sex with his girlfriend, all while the machine measured the electrical activity of my heart.

When I put it out there and seemed comfortable explaining that I did it for gendery-type reasons, every doctor and nurse and tech I interacted with was pleasant and understanding. Will this always be true? Maybe not, but hey, you get better at navigating this over time, and in the end, as long as you can get treatment, it’s a small price to pay for the comfort of everyday life without boobs.

This is all to say: for people who do not identify as FTM and want top surgery, you’re not alone.  You may think it’s not an option for you, because of social pressure or because of the mistaken belief that you have to be FTM to get top surgery. But I want to tell you that you can make the choice that is best for you and you can safely navigate this world as a female, androgynous, non-FTM, etc. person without breasts.

Yes, it is a great privilege to have access to top surgery (thank goodness for my progressive insurance plan), and unfortunately plenty of people who need and want it can’t access it. But if you can, and you want to—even if you don’t plan to transition or take hormones—it’s a viable choice.

There’s plenty more information about top surgery (even specifically for non-FTM people) that you can Google, Bing, and Yahoo on the Internets, but I am also in the process of compiling a centralized comprehensive guide to top surgery for non-FTMs. In the meantime, feel free to ask me your questions or voice your concerns by emailing me at: [email protected].

47 Comments
Alison
6/4/2013 08:06:42 am

Thanks for this great post! I really appreciate that the guest writer shared this with us, since it's very informative, and a needed perspective. Thanks!

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linda
6/4/2013 08:22:05 am

This id exactly how I feel well said

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jen
6/4/2013 08:40:55 am

Wow! I can TOTALLY relate!! Makes me want to get rid of my boobs!!

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Rex
6/4/2013 09:22:47 am

I've been thinking about this for a while... for many of the same reasons. Well said bruthuh. Thank you. I think I'm content to wait a bit longer until more "pec like" replacements are available post-op - but it's nice to know I'm not alone in my simple desire to have my shirt and tie lay properly...

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Tallon Nuñez
6/4/2013 09:39:37 am

People can do what they want, obviously, but feminism isn't about personal choice, it's not about individual freedoms, it's about women as a class, and when someone who sees themselves as an ardent feminist, advocates for women cutting off their healthy breasts so they can have the style they want, there is something seriously wrong with their feminism. Of course others around you will be understanding of the gender reason for doing so, you/they are affirming to them/you that being a woman with breasts that are not being used for their purpose, which is to be on display for the male gaze, must be a tremendous hassle, something to be annoyed by, something askew when in a suit. Getting rid of perfectly healthy body parts is not practicing feminism, it's giving in to sexism, and I find it incredibly sad that you would advocate doing so, and that people are probably gonna line up and tell you how brave you are, or how awesome it is, etc. With all due respect, I don't see it as brave, I see it as an accommodation to sexism, I think women with breasts of any size, rocking a suit, are uber brave, they are expanding gender, they are defying the gender roles assigned to them, and I appreciate them for that. Surgery is a pretty serious thing, you could die while in it, or of an infection after, there are any number of things that can go wrong, and making the cutting away of women's healthy breasts as an option (for what exactly?), as though you are choosing the options for your car, seems so wrong, on many levels. Would that there was a feminist super hero, to save us from this impending trend. Sigh.

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AJ Murray
6/4/2013 11:22:25 am

I can't speak to the author's ID as I just stumbled upon this thread via Facebook, but Tallon, not all butches are women, lots, myself included ID as butch as it's own gender, or 3rd gendered or trans, but not transitioning. And for most, it's not a matter of clothes fitting right, but one's body "feeling right". I definitely feel strong gender dysphoria, I just don't plan to transition using hormones. I think we do all of us people (trans and non-) an injustice when we re-inscribe the binary - there are more than 2 genders.

Personally I would have done surgery years ago without regret if it had been possible.

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Librafemme
6/4/2013 03:15:50 pm

I find it troubling that someone espousing to be a feminist is sitting in judgement about a very personal choice a woman has every right to make about her own body. Her body is not for anyone conformational ideals about how she should represent herself (as a feminist or otherwise). Instead of judging someone for not being what you may deem a "real feminist" it would be better to applaud the decision to go against societal norms and expectations and find a true celebration of self in her own created physical presentation. I do not judge journeys I have not had to make, and if she harms no one then she has every right to do what she wishes to her own body, and that is a feminist belief. I do not have the right to decide that because a woman presents differently from me, or elects plastic surgery for any reason that she loses that right to call herself a feminist. And, yes, feminism is about all women, but that is inclusive - not divisive. I support my fellow women in all their own choice about their own body regardless if I would choose it myself or not. Body image, gender, sexuality, and gender presentation are complex topics that cannot be fully covered in a single guest blog. I am willing to trust that she made this journey in her own way, and I can respect her decisions and choices - especially since it does me no harm to do so. I applaud her courage, conviction, and commitment to pursue her own happiness.

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wr
6/4/2013 03:26:59 pm

The bottom line is this: YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE. Your body is not the author of this postings. The author is sharing their story and what is good for them in THEIR body.

May we all be so lucky to feel at home in our own bodies.

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Lesbianne Free link
6/5/2013 02:53:23 am

Wow, this really grabbed me. Tallon. Every one is entitled to their own opinion, and mine is that I could have digested your comments better if you acknowledged they were your opinions rather than appear to be speaking for all Lesbian feminists. I am a Lesbian Feminist since the 80s, who moves progressively toward the middle (with Lesbian Separatism as the extreme). Believe me, there is nothing wrong with my feminism except I've grown older and become more open minded while doing so. The negative part of what LF did for me when I came out into a LF community was to reinforce stereotypes of how "real" lesbian feminists dressed, acted, thought about certain things such as men, finances, politics, even sex, lived their lives, etc.
The positive things of LF were very strong, healing and empowering for me, for example supporting me to find my own voice, to say no to abuse and to all things "traditional female" expected from me when and if they didn't fit.
I love my Butch friends and I fully support them in making this safe surgical choice if that is what is right for them. Health is holistic and includes the mind, heart and soul as well as the body. These are my own opinions and because of my time in a LF community I am solid in my right to state my opinion. Ty you all for listening.

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abby carpio
6/5/2013 01:36:34 pm

@ Tallon..... I love the line about a Butch "rockin her suit" breasts and all. Good way to express the sentiment. I "rock" my suits and ties just fine.

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Mayonnaise
6/17/2013 10:36:38 am

Hello! Women aren't defined by their breasts!

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Taylor link
4/1/2016 11:10:25 pm

It's deeply offensive to claim someone as not being "feminist" enough because they have chosen to remove a part of their body that has plagued them with insecurities since childhood. I am a woman who is getting her breasts removed in a month and I am a feminist. What I'm doing doesn't impact you. Just like if I have an abortion it is none of your business and has no impact on you. Feminism is about protecting these rights to our own bodies.

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Taylor Ward link
4/1/2016 11:19:42 pm

Thanks for writing about this perspective that often gets ignored and overlooked. I'm a 28 year old American woman who is partnered with an Australian man. I became an Australian resident last year and am getting a Double Mastectomy with Nipple Retention by Sydney surgeon Dr. Megan Hassall in less than a month. I have wanted this for so long (since those little things first appeared when I was 14 and throwing the bra back in my moms face) and saying I'm excited would be a huge understatement. I'm a feminist and very proud to become a woman without breasts who feels secure about her body. I don't necessarily want to act like an entitled man who walks around shirtless all the time; I'm more excited about feeling more comfortable and carefree like when I was a child and not sexualised.

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mslilith13
6/17/2019 03:10:43 am

I couldn't agree more! That some women are lightly considering chopping off perfectly heathy body parts in order to wear a suit the way a male body might, is both deeply depressing and disturbing.

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Butch in the South link
6/4/2013 10:39:40 am

I'm also a butch who has had top surgery.

You can click on my name and it should take you to my Tumblr, on which I have a list of resources for Designated Female at Birth (DFAB), Non-Male Identified Folks Who Want Top Surgery. The link to the resource list is on the right side of my tumblr, just below my profile. Hope it is of help to someone.

To KJ: Thank you for writing this. It's always really nice to see posts from folks who have a similar background. If you'd ever like to talk about your experiences or anything like that, don't hesitate to message me on Tumblr (or I can shoot you my email address).

BW, thank you for posting this.

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Devin Kiehn
6/4/2013 10:42:25 am

"You know when you’re out shopping and you see the male mannequins in the windows, looking all dapper in their vests and button down shirts, and you think, that’s my style? So you step into the store (in all your butchy genderiness), and try some on. The shirt won’t button around your breasts, the vest hugs your boobs all wrong, and the fit across the shoulders is too broad (and too narrow around the hips)." Yeah well, that happens to womyn trying on womyn's clothes too.

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Pau
6/4/2013 11:08:17 am

@Tallon Nuñez: I think this was addressed in the article. The author pointed out her dilemma about her being an ardent feminist, but cannot appreciate her breasts like a feminist should. She basically underwent this surgery for the following reasons:

1. They never fit my image of myself
2. They just got in the way of most of my athletic endeavors
3. I derived no sexual pleasure from them

This has nothing to do with being a feminist nor giving into sexism. She simply wants to be more comfortable with her body and as far as I know, there's nothing wrong with that.

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Josie
6/4/2013 11:28:21 am

Thanks for your story. I'm glad to hear, several months, that you are happy with your decision. A friend did this close to 20yrs ago and has always found peace in her decision.

My partner doesn't have a large chest and I think that she, too, would have had surgery if she had ended up with more than an A cup.

I'd like to point out, though, that there are plenty of female Olympic and professional athletes with breasts. Of course, your decisions are yours alone and valid for you but I needed to point out that breasts do not preclude sports participation.

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maddox link
6/4/2013 11:39:18 am

Thanks for writing about this. Even though I am trans (though not FTM identified) and have transitioned, a lot of what I write deals with how to access "transition-related" services regardless of your identity. I've put out a lot of resources specifically for top surgery which readers might want to check out as well as the upcoming guide (can't wait for it).

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[email protected]
4/9/2017 09:40:51 am

Hi Maddox! Hope your well :) was really interested reading this post especially as i am faab, questioning and can't really fully relate to being FTM but most aspects of transition sound appealing to me. If you don't mind me asking, how do you identify? seeing as you've been through some form of surgical/medical transition.

Best wishes, Jay.

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Jamie Ray link
6/4/2013 11:45:13 am

Thanks you for writing this and for BW for posting it. I identify as both butch and trans* and think about top surgery "off and on". Glad that you felt it was the right decision.

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coloureddog
6/4/2013 05:45:39 pm

Thanks for posting. I know exactly what you mean, how this feels. And I can´t wait until I get the ok for top surgery! Still looking for a good surgeon, though. Any recommendations anyone?

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Tina
6/5/2013 02:24:19 am

I guess it's the same as people who have breast reducation or breast enhancement surgery to make them feel better about themselves or just general plastic surgery - it's your body and your choice to do what you want with it but I'd rather see people learning to be happy with themselves and their bodies even though they don't conform to their ideals for themselves. The majority of people don't like something about their bodies.

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Wiley
6/19/2013 06:57:41 am

Can't speak for the author, but I'm a butch who's had top surgery, and there are still things I don't like about my body, like my love handles, and my height, etc...but I don't feel moved to change them. I had top surgery not because I *didn't like* my boobs, but because they felt like tumors that were there by mistake.

Now my body feels like MY body and I can love parts of it and hate parts of it but it doesn't feel like I'm wearing someone else's body parts permanently.

There's a difference between feeling insecure about your body parts from time to time and feeling all your life that you were not meant to have breasts.

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Taylor Ward link
4/1/2016 11:22:24 pm

For me it's not so much about body ideals and confidence but more about the functional aspects. I don't want breasts because I run, do sport, hike, don't like bras, don't like being sexualized against my will. It's completely functional for me and I identify as a feminist woman.

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Lesbianne Free
6/5/2013 03:11:46 am

BW, I specifically wrote a comment to KJ thanking her for the article and positive support for butches who make the surgical choice. Just as I was about to submit it, it disappeared - so I don't know if it is out in cyberspace or waiting to be moderated. Lesbianne Free

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Jnotha link
6/5/2013 03:13:36 am

Thank you for this heartfelt and personal post.
It did leave me wondering though: how do you handle the bathroom situation? Is it more difficult for you now?
I know this is a major issue for many non-gender-conforming folk!
Thanks!

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Lesbiannemusings link
6/5/2013 03:14:23 am

BW, as well as the comment to Tallon, I specifically wrote a comment to KJ thanking her for the article and positive support for butches who make the surgical choice. Just as I was about to submit it, it disappeared - so I don't know if it is out in cyberspace or waiting to be moderated. Lesbianne Free

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Preciocilla link
6/5/2013 05:29:40 pm

Greetings,

I’d like to begin by outing myself: I’m a feminist-minded, femme dyke who has spent my adult life pining over, loving and going crazy for woman-identified butches. I hope my appreciation/respect for butch experience is felt through my words….even if we disagree.

BW: As always, thank you for offering readers a provocative article.

KJ: I respect you as a butch; I hope your choice brings you the happiness you seek.

About the post/comments: Yes, we’re all entitled to OUR choices. Yet, for the sake of our well-being as individuals, we need to analyze the origin of our feelings, beliefs and ultimately, our decisions. Currently, there’s a group of people, with body dysmorphia, convinced they should’ve been born without certain limbs.

LINK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwsjtl5ZZJs

How many of you think that their self-concept---of being amputees/disabled—should lead to amputation of limbs? Is this SO different than the removal of healthy breasts? Where is the line drawn? PLEASE: consider the logical progression of this “choice” philosophy—the removal of healthy body parts.

Personally, I had two reactions when KJ asserted, “You know when you’re out shopping and you see the male mannequins in the windows…So you step into the store (…), and try some on. The shirt won’t button around your breasts, the vest hugs your boobs all wrong…”

First, compassion for butches who experience dysphoria and others who’ve internalized a belief system--usually encouraged by femmes and other lovers (particularly those with internalized homophobia)--that insists small breasts, hips and ass are more masculine than larger parts.

Secondly, my dyke brain went haywire imagining myself in a dressing room with the butch. The moment she struggles with that button, sitting above those breasts, is the space where her masculinity and female body intersect. Desire is ignited instantly: my slow burning fire turns into red hot flames.

Hugs,
Preciocilla
facebook.com/preciocilla

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Mayonnaise
6/17/2013 10:47:16 am

I don't walk on or hold stuffs with my breasts. Removing breasts is more like doing piercings or tattoos than removing legs that are useful to me. Though I do admire someone able to hold stuffs with their breasts or apply lipstick with it, it's not even a goal I have for me in my life. I have small breasts, shirts fit perfectly as long as they are a small enough size because I have difficulty putting on weight, but I still don't want them, and shirts fits some big chested folks perfectly too. So the author's experience isn't that of everyone. I don't know what problem it causes you that someone would not want breasts, or what problem it causes you that maybe it's because of what society sees as masculine that they don't want breasts. Thanks for pointing out the dangers of surgery, though. Even though I find that obvious, some people might not know.

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Maria
6/19/2013 06:44:51 am

I think you missed the point that Preciocilla was making in comparing electing to amputate an arm or leg and electing to remove healthy breasts- the point was that the breasts were healthy. The reduction wasn't done to alleviate a medical condition such as breast cancer or back problems, but to what?- wear men's clothing more comfortably, end gender or body dysphoria?

1) Did you know that there are several women owned companies that make tailored men's style clothing to fit a woman's body and that look great?

2) Gender and body dysphoria will not end by women cutting their healthy breasts off but only by the dissolution of gender altogether.

I have to say that I was very disheartened and saddened by this article. As a butch lesbian, I am often uncomfortable with my breast size, which is rather large, but I recognize that for the gender stereotyped bullshit that it is and put those thoughts in the garbage where they belong.

Tina
6/19/2013 01:54:22 pm

Maria, I couldn't agree with this statement more: "2) Gender and body dysphoria will not end by women cutting their healthy breasts off but only by the dissolution of gender altogether."

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Elizabeth
6/7/2013 03:42:21 am

Although I dislike the term, "top surgery," I was very interested to read about KJ's experience. I never wanted breasts, and still do not like having them. I don't think mine are particularly ugly, they just don't match up with my inner self. Mastectomy is not a practical option for me, but if it were, I'd sign up right away, even though I do enjoy what my partner can do with them. The breasts have bothered me a lot less, though, since I quit wearing bras. I don't care in the least about what others think of my appearance, and I am fortunate that I do not have to present a certain look in order to maintain employment. 35 years of itchy torture were enough. I'm never doing that to myself again!

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Levi link
6/8/2013 09:10:30 pm

This is the most relevant thing ever to be relevant to my life, and. I just... gah. Thank you. You sound like you've been reading my thoughts.

I'm in the "but what if I ruin [an unspecified] EVERYthing forEVER!!1" phase of questioning, but binding every day is killing me and I'm at 95% of my top surgery savings goal. I'm working on this "trusting myself" thing.

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luvbeingadyke
6/9/2013 10:36:01 pm

kj you have expressed everything I feel about my own body. I have long known that feeling of disconnect and applaude you for having the courage to have the operation and sharing your experience.

I am feminist. I am lesbian feminist. I am womyn. I am not my breasts.

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Alice
6/12/2013 02:44:26 am

Well done you! It's your body and your choice what to do with it. As a trans woman myself I've heard plenty of people opining about the subject, and the only consistent way is to allow people to have their own bodies back. Good for you and all the best!

PS... since you're not using them, would you mind boxing them up and sending them over? :)

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lesbianne free link
6/13/2013 04:08:38 am

Alice, your comment made me laugh because I can so relate to the situation of who doesn't have what and they want it - whether it is having boobs or not having them.
I loved mine, favorite part of my body, gave them up years ago to decrease the risk of another breast cancer, after the second bout.
My sweetheart who has the lovely round body of a tall Japanese Goddess, she never liked her breasts, she is butch but always felt male and didn't like being excluded from male things like not being able to work and play without a shirt, in the sun. She was contemplating top surgery for a few years.
Both of us complemented each other and brought each other much healing. We now each are more satisfied with what we have and what we don't. She looks very handsome in a tux or three piece suit exactly the way she is. I'm learning to dress more creatively so that my flat sunken chest doesn't show through my clothes. For me, implants or reconstruction are completely not wanted.

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Jo Waylock
6/12/2013 04:53:25 am

This is absolutely fascinating - not least the idea that butch cis women might be having to deal with 'sideways glances' in toilet situations. Thanks to KJ for widening my horizons.

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Eli
8/31/2013 12:28:42 pm

Great post and an important one too. Thank you!! Also, to make a personal decision regarding one's body is only one person's business, and that is the person making the decision. Nobody else owns your body, and nobody else has the right to tell you what you should/should not do with it NOR does anyone have the right to tell you that your feminism is flawed. That's just bullsh*t. I wish you all the best! :)

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Liz
10/8/2013 04:04:03 pm

I truly think that one of the definitions of feminism is a woman defining what she wants to do with her own body. I resent another person telling me or anybody else that they're not the right kind of feminist. I, too, am a gender variant woman who is getting my breasts removed. For me, it is so much more about how my clothes lay...it is about finally finding peace with something I haven't been comfortable with for 40 years since I went through puberty. I'm finally in a financial situation where I can afford to get it done in April 2014, just before my 50th birthday. I can't wait to have my body feel alignment to how my mind thinks it should be. With that being said, I'm not, nor do I have a desire to fully transition to male or take T. I just want to be me with the chest I should have had all along.

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Domino
11/2/2013 07:42:46 am

It's the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with, deal with daily. Not feeling right because you can't take your shirt off and feel free. I'm not a feminist, I've self identified as a butch lesbian. But half of me has felt like it belonged there.

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Lau
11/28/2013 04:04:25 am

I can't explain how much I needed this post right now, I'm a gay woman and I can't stand my boobs. tysfm, finally know I'm not alone.

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Tiaira
4/10/2014 09:40:03 am

Only thing I cnt agree wit is I like gettn my chest touched bt I nvr like my chest like u said tht nice bottom dwn bt u try it on ur chest looks 10x that thanks for what you wrote

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Court
9/20/2015 02:14:58 pm

Thank you so much.
Up until 9 months ago, I had long hair, big boobs, and a girly body - which I dressed to fit my assigned gender.
I never felt comfortable dressing girly or doing my hair and often went to my mother and/or sister for help.
I remember as a kid though, I dressed like a tomboy. I wore baggy jerseys and jeans up until my step mom took me back to school shopping and refused to go to the boys section at Sears.
So at 13, I started dressing girly and was already a C cup. That year I also came out as a lesbian.
I am now 23 and am not sure if I'm 100% lesbian... I am like 90/10 I think.
Anyway..
In January I decided to cut my hair off to be more comfortable, and start dressing more androgynous. I too have always looked at male mannequins in the mall and envied the way their dapper vests fit. I have envied small chested women for how they can more easily hide their breasts if they choose. I have spent much of my life hunching over. Now I see FTM's and think, "I want to look like that." I want to be super fit and flat chested. But I wear a big C/ small D. Button up shirts don't fit the way I picture them to in my head. I am so torn as to what to do. Do I want to be a guy? Do I want top surgery?
I think you might have helped me realize a couple things.. I can get top surgery without having to decide right now if I truly want to transition. I can be everything I want to be. I'm not sure what that is.. But I DO know the boobs have to go. I am going to start exercises that will target my chest, as well as taking over the counter testosterone. I'm not sure if the T will help with my chest, but it will help me build the body I imagine. It will be hard work, but if I don't start, I'll stay the same. One day at a time...

Reply
Sophia
3/10/2016 11:15:57 pm

Thank you this is exactly how I feel...I'm not ftm or feel like i was born in the wrong body and my breast are really small I think an A cup but I want a male looking chest...I thought I had to be ftm to get top surgery....This really helped a lot :)

Reply
Cindi
7/21/2021 02:07:35 pm

Thank you! Assisting my queer child with this right now, and I’m not a health care worker. I am struggling with the tube drainage, her pain, and found support and validation here. Seriously, well written and much appreciated

Reply
PJ
9/5/2022 01:42:58 pm

I have always thought of doing it and just recently ran it by my gf. Who knows, but I appreciate this post.

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