 via Creative Commons You're single, talking to a gorgeous single dyke. She asks if you want to grab coffee; you eagerly accept, your mind already swirling with visions of U-Hauls and organic, home-baked bread. But then she drops the bomb: "Let's meet at 3. I pick my son up from daycare at 5." You try to act nonplussed, but a hundred thoughts swirl through your head: Did she used to be married? How old is this kid? When do I have to (or get to) meet him? Am I really old enough to date people who have kids? Do I even want kids? And what implications does this have for our U-haul, camping excursions, and mornings at the farmers' market?? Like it or not, dating a woman who has a kid can be vastly different from dating a woman without one (or two, or three). Here are a few things to keep in mind as you embark on this chapter in your dating life.
Of course, not everyone hesitates at the prospect of dating a woman with kids. A dear friend of mine was intrigued when she learned that the object of her budding affections (who is now her wife, also a dear friend) had a kid. Now the three of them are one of the most solid families I've ever known, and I know that none of them can imagine life without the other two. So what's the moral for single moms? There are two: (1) Don't assume that being a mom will work against you in the dating world; (2) Remember that you deserve to have someone who loves you in part for being a mom, not despite it. So, dear readers: Have you ever dated a woman with kids? What obstacles did you face? How about my readers who are (current or former) single moms? What advice do you have for BW readers?
71 Comments
Kat
8/22/2012 03:06:35 am
Thanks for writing this one! I go back and forth on the issue of dating a woman with kids. I like kids, I mean, I'm a teacher so I'm good with them...but the idea of a woman with kids has always given me pause; however, since I've entered my thirties, I've realized that I can't have the hard and fast rule about kids anymore. I guess my hangups about it are twofold:
Carrie
8/22/2012 07:31:58 pm
Maybe she isn't a lesbian maybe she's a bisexual with an ex male partner and kid. I would never be concerned over the reality of someone's sexuality but would not date someone with kids
Marie
8/9/2016 04:12:56 pm
I have a fiancé im in love with but now her son lives with us, and im just annoyed with him, he's 5 and she do stuff for him i dont or havent got (home cooked meals, lunch, constant attention), she barely tells the truth to me, she takes from me to give to him, when i hug on her like lay on her he comes over and does the same thing, like we cant have sex like we use too ugh you being a teacher what would u do, dont want to leave her just tired of the kid
Brenda
5/19/2017 08:30:43 pm
Hey just saw this comment and I am a lesbian dating a woman with a daughter. I came across your response to this article and was wondering, how did things end up with you in regards to dating a woman with kid(s)?
Jill
4/13/2018 10:47:26 am
I am dating s woman with a young girl nearly close to teenager. I have a 17 year boy and 21 year old girl. I went through the coming out process while they were a little younger. Now they are fully living and supportive of my relationships. Tell them the truth. As far as the GF I won’t push her. I know what it was like from my first lesbian relationship and she was horrible. My therapist told me tell and do when I’m ready and I suggest the same. I will honor her even though it’s kinda going backward for me as she hasn’t dated a women that her daughter has known about yet. I still know that if patient,understanding and a good communicator, things will work out. As far as what not to do...?? Please lesbians with GFs who have kids, DO NOT give your advice unless it’s asked for.
My granddaughter is 23 and has lived with me her entire life. At 16 she had my adorable 6 yr old great grandson. She married his father who is a good father. Both finished school college while working. That ended about a yr ago. They tried. She met Taylor at work and hit it off. She knew Taylor was transgender. She told me and I'm okay with that. As long as he's good to her and her son. And he has been. I really like Taylor. He started To shots in January. Cool with that. My question is this...can someone who has been female physically and had to play the part of being female, be able to guide a little boy in these early years. Like talk to him about masturbating, erections, all the things he doesn't know anything about. The feelings and emotions. I'm thinking it actually might give him a better perspective on treating women. But this is all so new to me. Bio dad is good but he might not be there for this GS like that 8/22/2012 03:26:17 am
BW, this is a really awesome post. Thank you for sharing it. I makes me think that you are very close to this issue - either you have kids, or have dated someone with kids. I appreciate the validation that I found in this post. =:o) Butch
ButchPoppa
8/22/2012 03:30:11 am
Thanks for this post. I just started dating a woman with two children. I'm grateful that her ex/co-parent is such an involved and caring parent, they are close friends which is great, and there is no drama.
Lynne
4/17/2013 09:26:25 am
Thanks for the post. The reason my relationship ended is because my ex dorgot about an adult relationship. When I met her she wasnt living with her kid. I knew wveentually we would all be a family but she really wanted me to make all the compromises. She forgot I had needs too and that she did. I believe she has guilt about not being with her son. We suffered for it. I couldnt see myself rushing into co-parenting when our relationship wasnt even established. I felt we needed to work on us before having her kid involved but she fought me on this until it was too late and she realized she wasnt being fair to me or her. The relatinship ended because she assumed I didnt want kids when I would gladly welcome children with a woman who could communicate and has stability and can work with me to have a healthy balance for everyone to be happy
Liz
6/8/2013 08:33:52 am
Great post.
Marie
8/9/2016 04:17:59 pm
Man i sooo agree i have needs now its on hold cause she "puts him first", he know that and is doing certain ish to get that attention and im losing interest on even being here
Cyndi
8/22/2012 04:34:11 am
Thank you for this article, i really liked it. I love it when you say "Remember that you deserve to have someone who loves you in part for being a mom, not despite it." That really helps keep things in perspective.
Bejai Higgins
8/22/2012 05:31:18 am
As an old straight grandparent I cant tell you how refreshing it was to read your post! Family are complicated, LGBT or straight and being honest with yourself is a basic requirement to any success. My current hubby met my daughter at 5 (she was adorable). He wanted to be with me and I said clearly that it was a package deal. He didnt want children of his own (my uterus thanks him) but came to love mine. Finally we married and he adopted her. She is now grown with her own kids and struggling with relationships. Your clear take and ability to lay out the components was outstanding! Thanks, Bejai
Karen Kelly
8/22/2012 06:23:58 am
When I first started dating after the break up of my marriage, I was open to women with or without kids. I didn't have any kids of my own. Not because I didn't want them. I wasn't able to have any children. Up until my separation, I just assumed that I would always be childless.
Hi, My partner met me when our daughter was 7. I had been married to the Dad, but had been a single Mom for 5 years when we met. She was excited about having a child since she did not think she could have any of her own. It turned out to be a great blessing since my daughter's father decided to move out of State not long after we met. She even took us on a trip to visit Dad in his new home (in Illinois) and to visit his family in New York. It was not an easy trip. My daughter was heart broken that her Dad was moving away to go to graduate school. He never did return to CA, but Jayne has been a good Mom from day one and helped to ease the pain of losing a day to day parent. Our daughter has had lots of issues related to the loss of a primary parent and addictions, Jayne has been there for me through all of it. Our daughter is now 21 and has her own girlfriend.
Jannyboo
8/22/2012 07:17:02 am
I have three kids and my girlfriend also has three. They range in age from 14 - 24.The last five years have been the most wonderful,challenging, joyful and heartbreaking years of my life. We are finally moving in together after waiting five years because the kids are finally starting to leave the nest and make their own lives. The kids have brought the relationship to breaking point on more than one occasion. but she s the love of my life.. My Advice? Try not to interfere. Recognise that everyone parents differently. It is sometimes easier to see the faults in someone else's kids before you see the faults in your own. HANG IN THERE. It will be worth it in the end. Our fantasy is to be two old grannies sitting by the fire in our little cottage resting between our overseas trips. Its coming closer as each child grows up a bit more and we deserve it. We have both worked bllody hard to get this far.
Cassandra
9/17/2017 10:13:30 am
I will NOT date a lesbian with kids. That is my deal-breaker because i don't want to finally find the woman i plan to spend the rest of my life with and have to WAIT to have a full and productive life with her because we are trying to get the kids out of the house. I have no kids nor do i want any. I have enjoyed my life single and i plan to enjoy my life with her without any unwanted distractions.
Caughtinyoureyesswashinhurstswashinhurst
8/22/2012 11:02:55 am
I have so many different paths to follow on this in. I was married to a man for a long time and had 2 kids with him and we raised them together. Late bloomer coming out, mainly from job fear, kids hurting my kids, and early on, fear of my parents committing me.
Stacy
8/22/2012 02:45:52 pm
I sure like you, BW. You impress me. (Probably cuz alot of what you say mirrors what I think). My current gf has two grown children that were 18 and 20 when we got together. That was probably for the best because they were already out of the nest so I haven't had to deal with alot of the stuff that most people do. I stay on the outskirts because they are her children, and I always know they come first. It still shocks me to see other lesbians that have a problem with that, and whine about wanting more attention than the kid gets. There will never be anything like that parent child bond, and even though I'm childless, I totally know that, and love watching it from the sidelines. You are totally right, part of what I love about my gf is her motherliness (yes, I just made up that word). I always get a kick out of watching her with her kids and how they connect. I see how much she loves them and it's so special to watch. I feel grateful to be allowed to witness it. I also know that as soon as one of them has a kid I probably won't see nearly as much of my gf for awhile, and that makes perfect sense to me. I've never wanted kids, but feel lucky to be able to witness my gf's relationship with hers.
Kari
8/22/2012 03:04:08 pm
Wow this brings back memories, I dated a lady with a five year old girl back in 1980. I met the mom and was totally smitten and we both discussed how I would figure into her child's life. I never really gave kids much thought, resigned myself to being childless and then this sweet five year old turned my life upside down. I won't say it was easy, more times than enough I asked myself if our relationship was worth the growing pains but it has been 33 years and we are still going strong, our child has grown into a fine young woman, now planning on a family of her own. Guess I am going to find out about grand kids now. I wish I had had this list back then it may have made it easier and I concur with each one of the points made. It was a learning experience and one I am glad I didn't miss. Kids can be a great addition to your life but the mom is always the mom, even now our daughter who is 38 is still her little girl and they are both my favorite ladies.
Susan
8/23/2012 02:05:30 am
I was in a relationship with a partner who was providing care for her niece who was FAS. Her ex-partner was the guardian of the child, and because this was 15 years ago, there were issues with the drug-addicted mother who hated lesbians (despite the fact that lesbians were actually taking care of her kid). Although I enjoyed the niece, there were many issues going on with the adults (ie drama) that made the situation very difficult.
Cherry
8/23/2012 03:22:33 am
Great post! One other point to keep in mind when dating someone who has a kid or kids... they may not wish to have more kids, so like if YOU want to have a baby yourself or know you want to do the baby thing from scratch with a partner, this might be off the table with someone who's already raised a baby or two.
Cherry
8/23/2012 03:29:16 am
Oh and also - I've seen this situation - if you move beyond the 'just dating' phase and as things get more intimate, make sure to clarify your role. It's also good to talk about expectations if that relationship ends. If the relationship develops any kind of serious intimacy, you may also develop a close bond with that kid - it'd be important to me to know that we could still have a relationship even if I wasn't seeing their mom anymore. But it's tricky when that mom may already have another ex who is a co-parent. Ah, new ways of envisioning family!
shell
8/23/2012 10:48:07 am
wish you would have published this 7 years ago. but i respect that they are the authority over the kids. i do try to learn as much and fast as i can. i try to do the co parenting. i never thought i would have kids in my life at this aspect. i dont regret any of the relationships i have been in. i learned from each and every single one of them. i have the utmost respect for single mothers.
BJB
8/25/2012 08:01:34 am
Thanks for this post. I’m a single mom who pulled the plug on my (hetero) marriage and came out relatively recently. I did everything solo. I just couldn’t stand being in the closet any longer. I would love to find a partner and would be open to dating women with or without kids, but I also have a lot of trepidation about dating. I have two kids and have assumed that this will work against me in the dating world. I also have lot of uncomfortable feelings about having taken so long to come out and wonder how that tardiness will be perceived. (I was aware of my lesbianism for a long time before finally coming out. I think everyone else was aware as well. I’m visibly gay to anyone with decent gaydar and no-one has been surprised in my coming out process.) Anyway, having kids does affect everything and they do come first. I’m in a major metropolitan area but in a suburb that works for the kids – good schools and all that. I wouldn’t be able to u-haul anywhere without an awful lot of planning. There is a co-parent in the picture and that situation is uneasy. My kids are young enough to require child care and babysitters. An impromptu evening out is unlikely to happen. The kids have their activities and those activities are important. I’m also the provider and have significant financial responsibilities. Things get complicated when you have kids.
Caughtinyoureyes
8/26/2012 06:23:17 am
Being a late bloomer myself, I can identify with your feelings precisely. I was so worried about dating after being married to a man and what other lesbians might think. I have only had one negative comment, actually an errant one from a good friend. She apologized profusely.
Kitty
9/13/2012 12:29:48 am
BJB, I read your post and I can completely relate. I was married more than once to men and have children. It wasn't that long ago I came out and am finding many from the gay community nonaccepting an unsupportive. I work almost every day, barring sickness. When I do have time, I prefer to spend it with my kids. Anyway, I thought, "Wow! Finally! Someone who's in a similar boat. Maybe we could be (emotionally) supportive for each other." 9/17/2012 04:53:06 am
Hi Kitty et. al,
Brenda
8/28/2012 01:03:27 pm
I had a partner for 3 years who had a young son (3 when we met). The kid became like my own and his mother used this to manipulate me and keep me around long after I should have left her. It was very painful when I had to cut off contact with my stepson in order to stop seeing her.
UliveULearn
8/29/2012 01:35:34 pm
My wife has 2 teenage boys. We dated for 3 years before getting married. And honestly if I had it to do all over I wouldn't. This was my first relationship with a woman with children. I was open minded and willing to learn. Until we moved In everything was perfect. All the problems we have arrise from her undermining me as a parent. I am seen as a piggy bank who should keep my mouth shut because those are her kids. But it's my house my money and supposed to be my step kids. Both of their dads are barley involved emotinally or finacially. The kids r lucky if they surface 3 times a year. I often feel resentful. I know the problem Is with her and not the kids but I just wish I spent more time seeing her parenting so I could have avoided where I am today. I love them, I sacrifice for them provide for them which is all expected yet I am not ever respected as their parent. I would caution anyone to first get to know what kind of parenting style she has bc it may not be yours at all. And that's fine they are your kids. Then you provide and sacrifice or better yet hold their fathers accountable. And that's the icing on the cake you will never be appreciated like their biological parent no matter how terrible they are.
Fly
11/17/2012 10:24:08 pm
Step parenting usually comes with its challenges whether you are les or straight. It is up to the attitude of the parent and the step parent to put the kids straight. Kids will always "try" you. For crying out loud, they try their biological parents at every given opportunity, so what more of someone new in the home?...The biological parent has an even bigger role to play to ensure that boundaries are not crossed by the step child or the step parent. And hence this is a child we are talking about, you as the step parent have to use your self-discipline to know how to handle conflict between you and the child. Stepping up or stepping down is not always the best choice. You have a choice on how you will relate or work with some of the behaviours thrown at you by the child. Hence, the biological parent has a big role, to ensure that these are combated from the beginning...I hope this helps someone. I have a 14yr old daughter who absolutely adores and respects my partner of 2 years... oh and another thing, never ever fight infront of the kids...
ridingtillthewheelsfalloff
5/1/2013 06:42:15 pm
I feel as though my relationship is falling through my hands as sand..and I feel myslef constantly rewriting the history of feelings...dating someone with a kid is extremely difficult when the child is a tween...its a whole other dynamic especially when so many other issues arise...o work with children on a daily but when it comes to matters of the home...I'm lost and feeling ultimate guilt as soon as I walk through the door...GREAT EXPECTATIONS replace the bond that's led to this point
Red XIX
4/21/2013 12:01:00 pm
I'm in a situation with a woman who has a seven year old boy. I'm giving it a lot of thought, should I, is this what I want, am I ready for this, are they..? She is 28, I am 27... young parents, young lovers, young people.
toocoldkid
5/1/2013 06:51:00 pm
It's definitely a different dynamic...think and discuss...stay dedicated to communication because the communication between a mother and a child can go any which a way which you should.be in the loop. If not...you've already fallen.behind...you.don't want to be in a position wjen.you're riding till.tje wheels.fall.off...another thing...play devils advocate...sometimes.o.feel.moms.need to.remember that thier partner can be as long lasting as their child...when tbey hit those tween years...they don't want mom...and mom.will.be looking for someone to fall.back.on..either stick it through or not?
Nija
8/30/2013 03:56:20 am
I came across this blog post by accident while googling 'explaining butch to children.' As a newly single (straight) mom, I thought that the advice you offer is right on...for anyone newly involved with someone with children. The comments of people who have concerns about being up to the task of taking on someone with a family are really touching and helpful. As I go out into the dating world, I keep wondering whether I'll be seen as damaged goods and what kind of thoughts the person I am currently dating may be having. So thanks for the post, and to all the commentators. This really seems like a great online community.
juilie
11/22/2013 04:56:15 pm
Come on someone tackle this question....I have no idea how to address it but someone should. My best advice is to talk to your little girl and really listen to her first. Ask her what she doesnt like about a girl dressing that way. Carefully listen to her response. If she says a girl isnt suposed to look that way then ask her who told her that. If it was you, you are going to have to tell her you were wrong. If it was someone else who told her this explain to her why they are wrong. Good examples of girls who like to dress more adrogynous are everywhere. Show her it actually isnt different. Explain that her school is small but the world is very very big and there are many different women in it. Angelina Jolies kid shilo prefers to dress more boyish since she was a toddler, her mother and father are super stars in movies. There are a zillion kids movies and stories with tom boy girls from pippy longstocking to every movie jodie foster was in as a child...Show them to her. Show her the ways she is also like that lil girl on the play ground...doesnt your lil girl like to wear pants sometimes too? Tell her if she cut off her hair like kd lang she'd still be the same beautiful lil girl she is now. People are people. Show her how we are all alike and saying that some one has to dress a certain way isnt fair. Whats her favorite color? Ask her how she would feel if suddenly she wasnt allowed to wear it anymore because some person told her "shes not supposed to" and kids wont like her. Ask her how that would make her feel and explain to her that having short hair or wearing boyish clothes is some girls "favorite" way to dress. Get her to empathize with the girl. Point out a time she was told she was different for what she liked. She will understand. :) My daughter is five. We navigate issues like this all the time. Getting her to feel empathy for others is the key and of course you should always encourage her to play with all toys and do all sports and wear all colors and not tell her she must look a certain way and play with certain things in order to be a girl. She obviously is putting that same standard on herself and that could be damaging to her in the long run as a woman.
L.
10/26/2017 09:52:00 pm
Good advice. But what happens when the girl is a 17 y/o that is denying access to all of her school functions homecoming, prom, senior functions etc. and her mom is allowing this. Her mom, my partner is allowing the child to dictate that I am left out of family functions and public venues.
Momazon
11/19/2017 11:20:10 am
Nope. Not at all acceptable. If your partner is going to allow her daughter to let her discomfort with your appearance exclude you from your family, it’s more mom’s problem than the daughter’s. Kids are self-conscious. I get that. But it’s our job as parents to explain and then model how to treat other people. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who was ashamed of me. You either love someone completely and without shame, or you dont. Don’t let them treat you this way, and if they insist, you need to leave. Harsh? Yep. But if you were fat/differently-abled/Black/a green eyed people eater would it be ok to exclude you? Never.
Pence
1/11/2014 10:49:21 am
I met this girl from my high school years recently via facebook. At the time we met and became romantically involved, she was on a job placement in a foreign country and I was also living in a foreign country. She told me the story of her life since we parted at high school. She went to study overseas; got married but the marriage got rocky and she dated someone else with whom she now has a kid. she has since divorced her ex husband and she is no longer seeing the kid's father though they still talk and share custody of the kid. This lady presented her case so well to me; that I was convinced that she has grown up and learnt some serious lessons from this past relationships; and was now ready to settle down with someone loving; understanding and who would love her for who she is. I do love and to show that I was serious and ready to take off with her; i made a trip to see her where she was based at the time. Everything went all - not forgetting to mention - we shared the costs of the the flight and she made sure I did not spend any money throughout the visit. I spent two and a half weeks altogether getting to know her. It was fun, romantic and felt like a honeymoon. On returning to my base and after she's gone back to her base; things continued to work for a while: we called each other almost everyday - on skype and on the phone. then two months later I started to feel dissatisfaction on the quality of the conversations we had. The communication was still there, but the quality was starting to suffer: her messages to me became shorter; emails stopped and some phone calls went unanswered even after repeated times. When I voiced my concerns, her response was that she was getting busier and busier at work and therefore cannot give me enough time on the phone. The phone romance and the online communications were starting to suffer. Then one day; I suggested we should find time over the weekends to call each other uninterrupted by the demands of her work. She agreed to this, but also mentioned that I should not forget that she is also a mum and weekends are usually best times to spend with her kid. We argued a bit about this; as I was starting to feel locked out. She then told me that I should remember that, when we first met I promised I'll take her in with the kid; and therefore I should understand that the kid also needs some attention from her. It then started to appear that she had found something else to use as an excuse for not being able to communicate frequently over the weekends. The kid. During the week, it is the work demands. I felt isolated in the relationship, more so that, the relationship itself depended on telephone and other digital communication tools. I couldn't travel to see her - and get an idea of how true her story was. Some of her facebook status updates also began to offend me as she would constantly talk about being with her kid on fridays and how they're busy and having a good time. I however saw this as a way to communicate a message to me that; she needs time to herself and her kid. Again I would feel hurt, that she was using the kid to block me out of her life. In the meantime, whenever we had a chance to talk she would tell me how much she loves me and even called me 'future husband'. She would tell me that I shouldn't worry about anything and that things will work out once we live under the same roof. To summarize this; I am at a point where now; for the sake of my emotional health, although I would still do it again; I would seek someone who knows how to share her time equally with me and not just always put her kids before me. I feel I made a sacrifice by showing that I care about her; despite the 'baggage' she explained to me when we first met: but if that baggage becomes too much of a baggage for me to help her carry then she does not need my support as far as the kid is concerned. meaning I no longer need to call her: she has to do it if she needs to talk to me...and I would answer and show her some love and support. But i would also not dwell too much on the kid issues - I would rather we work on building our relationship first. She should keep the kid issues to herself for the moment because the relationship is still young to be disturbed by all these.
Hm
3/19/2014 02:14:43 pm
Thank you for this post. There needs to be some kind of support group for people who never wanted kids but fell in love with someone with a kid. It's hard! And surprisingly difficult to find this topic online at all, let alone this topic in the lesbian world. It makes it so much harder, I think, when you're with a lesbian who has the kid is a result of a long term relationship with a man.
new_to_the_parent_scene
11/5/2014 02:03:52 pm
I have been with my partner for a little over a year now, we took a break, and she got pregnant. We got back together fairly recently, and we now have a beautiful girl. We're starting to have the argument about another kid in a few years, maybe 3 to 5. We're having the argument of titles, "your kid" "my kid". Should we just stick to the one kid, and what should we do about the labels. I hate them, she says she doesn't realize she's using them.
RJL
1/26/2015 05:15:52 am
I just got out of a two year relationship with a woman who was so traumatized with a breakup that involved her rarely seeing 3 (step)kids she helped raise for 10 years that she couldn't be with me and my 2 kids. It was heartbreaking to hear her say "I'm not sure I want to be parent again"....I wish I had said goodbye earlier...
Marielee
2/14/2015 03:16:38 am
i dated a mom for 2 years her kid was 1-1/2 at the time I met her. We broke up for a while and now we are talking again. She asked me what role do I see me playing in her sons life and that she wants me to be a parental figure for him and that I have to be willing to sacrifice certai things to be able to do this. Is it too soon for her to be expecting this of me since we are just talking again after being broken up for a while? Or am I the one in the wrong for wanting to take it slow and not rush into it again? 2/14/2015 04:28:21 am
Heck, I think this is such an important question that I'm giving you my answer in a new post: http://www.butchwonders.com/blog/parent-trap 8/19/2015 04:02:53 am
I've been reading all of this for days now! It's a lot to date with/without kids. I Love kids and at the age of 48 it's my first time being with a woman that has 2. It's not that I never would have done it in the past. It's just that the women I have been with never had any. My beautiful partner and I have been together for a year. She has a son and daughter. Love them both and enjoy there company. Her son is very difficult when it comes to his Mom. His obsession and love for her is overbearing and frightening at times. Something's that come out of his mouth as a preteen would make most people run. But I have chosen ,along with her, to hold my tongue and let her do the parenting. It's her son , her issue. She has my support,understanding and Love. When it comes down to fixing things with him and his feelings towards her,it's between them. There is just so much. And I'm not Dr. Phil. But at the end of the day......I'm there for all three of them. Love is amazing. My truth.
homer
5/24/2016 01:19:26 pm
sacrifice what? You need to be who you are 5/24/2016 01:48:09 pm
I don't believe you are wrong at all... Take it slow. Rushing things isn't going to help clear your head , while making decisions as basically a family. In the beginning of mine I rushed in. Then I had to check myself and keep saying these are peoples lives. I hope I'm right for them. :). In my 49 yrs. I've decided low and slow... Lol
Alice
3/28/2016 08:19:21 am
I have been searching for posts like this as this is exactly my dilemma right now. Except I am the one with the kids. I have 3 kids 7, 9 and 10 and my girlfriend is pretty scared about making her future with us. We were together for 3 years before, she was my first girlfriend and our relationship was very intense. We were both open about our relationship but we were living in a small country town, I had some issues with religious family members, we didn't know any other gay people so no one could understand. We were both struggling with our own personal crap too. I think we were both to immature at the time to cope with both our relationship and our own growing up I guess. We had a rocky detachment, our connection has always been pretty full on and we were both pretty affected by it. I fell pregnant on a drunken fling to a man I had only known a couple of weeks. I had been thinking about kids a lot so decided to keep him (baby). To my surprise the father wanted to stay and I felt like ...well that was what I was supposed to do. In quick succession I had 2 more and could do nothing more than babies in the first 5 years. I got married to my husband in that time. The second 5 years was alot harder. I had moved on from intensive baby stage and had time to think. I always felt like I was in the wrong relationship. My husband is a good man, a good Dad but I was miserable. I was thinking about being with a woman all the time. We had moved to an even smaller town. My marriage was on the rocks and I was screwed up.After yet another late night cryfest my husband told me to go and sleep with a woman and work it out. We kind of left it there. Coincidently a month or so after that I ran into my now (and previous) girlfriend. We swapped numbers and I met her for a drink. We were inevitable from the first moment we saw each other again. Our connection is crazy, our communication far out strips any other relationship I have ever had, our company with each other is so easy, we make each other cry with laughter, our sex life is awesome the list goes on. Straight away I told my husband and he moved out. I had a really shitty time for a bit,ultra small town and Im the crap mother that left her husband for a woman blah blah. Woman who I thought were good mates wouldnt come in my house any more, my brother has disowned me, most mutual friends have chosen sides (not mine). I have since moved to a much larger town with the kids. A town my girlfreind and I chose as she had been considering moving there anyway and I had to move. So I have walked away from my freinds, husband, home, investments and future plans. I dont regret this, I say it to illustrate how serious I am about her. I know she loves me this deeply too. The part we struggle with is the kids. She has never wanted kids. Her life is(was) uncomplicated, ordered, simple. My life is pure chaos. One of my boys has learning difficulties, one is quite challenging in other ways. My daughter adores my girlfriend and is easy going. I must say the boys have been trying really hard too. We have been together over 6 months now, the kids and everyone else have known for ages. It breaks my heart when she gets freaked and thinks she doesn't want this life with us. I know its a massive life changing thing and a huge risk for her but to me the risk of us not trying is worse. I have never had love with anyone else like this and I cant imagine I ever will again. I think you can love many times but only one will be the love of your life and I know its her. She says she loves me this way as well but doesnt know if she can do kids. I dont expect her to contribute financially or co parent. We are not planning on living together right now. I don't know the way to get past this. The only thing we haven't been able to see eye to eye on. She sees kids as an obstacle, I feel like I am offering her a gift (a loud, messy gift but a gift none the less). I don't know how we can move forward with this . I've laid myself on the line with how I feel and made my decisions. I guess she will just have to decide if she can live this reality or not. I hope so because I love her fiercely.
Terry lang
10/16/2017 10:51:44 am
I was in a relationship just like you but I in the one with one child, not three. My partner did not want any kids. The connection was electrifying! I am 54 years old and I have never in my life been in a relationship that was so beautiful. The problem was, she did not want children. And every time we argued it was always about raising my son. As long as you can not have her be a coparent and be your partner in the relationship will work.
Lacy
4/16/2016 04:42:35 pm
Ten years ago, kids were 7, 9, 12x2, yes 4. Fun at first, then interesting, then challenging, then back to interesting. Both of us married but me with zero vs. her 4. Divorce came next for the both of us. I moved closer to her. It is true from the posting over these past few years on this thread, the kids (no matter how old) will always come first - in every situation. Quiet evenings will have interruptions with many phone calls. There will always be issues. If you think it is hard when they are young, the problems just get bigger. And for those who think that all young adults move out, rethink that, it is not always true especially when the home comes with a mom-maid and cook and shopper and washer. Why leave?From these postings I have learned that take a step back and allow the mom to be the mom and be there to support her emotionally. I have stepped in over these past 11 years but have recently taken a step back especially when one of the older ones clearly stated that I was not her parent. Yes, she was correct....but she doesn't know that I financially help her mom which in turn helps her and all those vacations we took were me too....but I was fine with it. She was just being honest and letting me know where she stands. Of course, no one has "told" any of them who I really am in their mother's life, which makes it even harder!! My partner still is supported by her ex with alimony and child support. The child support will be over soon as they are getting emancipated but she has alimony for life...as long as she doesn't marry. So if we marry, I take on the financial responsibilities or if we don't, we live separate. As for the recent post from Alice, I didn't necessarily see the kids as an obstacle only at specific times but my partner said the same thing to me about how lucky I was to have them in my life - a gift. I realize what she means but I always hoped she would understand where I come from. We are all asked about how important it is to support the mom, let her be the mom, etc. but no one really sees the challenges being the outsider (don't come back and say that it is up to you not to be, but we all know no matter how hard we try, we will never be number one and they will never be YOUR kids - as much as mom would like). I am in love with her and she is my soul mate - we are totally different in all ways - and yet, we were matched. Go figure.
Teclo
5/22/2016 03:03:52 pm
I really like what you wrote and completely relate on the outsider status. I'm in my early 30s a relationship with a woman in her mid 40s who has a 6 year old. We started dating 1 year and a half ago. She has a terrible relationship with her ex, the daughter's adoptive mother (my partner is the biological mom), and I usually see the anger spurts and deal with days--weeks sometimes!--of tough moments. But I really love her and I am happy to be there for her. As far as children go, I'm not a huge fan. I'm not against them, I'm not for them. I knew she had a kid from day 1 but I didn't want to let that stop me from getting to know her especially cause we had/have such amazing chemistry. And I didn't know we'd fall in love and stay together. But here we are. The kid really loves me and is attached to me too, and I have to say, she's a pretty good kid overall. But I do struggle with feeling like I'll never be priority, never as important. I know the stakes are quite different, but there is that "outsider" feeling that you were talking about. I have been extremely patient and empathetic to the needs and balances, but I feel like she doesn't always understand my position. We have talked about potentially moving in, in a near future, and I told her that setting clear boundaries (from small things like lunch making to big things, like disciplining) and she seemed confused because she claims her daughter is her responsibility only. But the lines are blurred already and I have done so much more than most people would have, even early on. Luckily, her daughter is with her other mother every other weekend as well as one night every week, so my partner is the primary caretaker, but at least we get good chunks of "us" time. I know that if these times didn't exist the relationship would not have lasted...or who knows. But I definitely hit a limit with kids' presence. And I feel like a horrible selfish person even though my actions do not correspond to that. I'm not sure what I am looking for by posting here, but it's just wonderful to feel less alone. I have read so many articles of "tips for guys dating single moms" and felt really isolated, so this is refreshing and grounding. I feel very committed to my partner. I really have never felt this close to anyone and can't imagine not being with her, but I do struggle with this other being who will always be there and more important than me. And I struggle with boundaries, and what it means to potentially co-parent a child that isn't even mine. I get frustrated with the limitations of having a child and find it hard to see the benefits. I am not even a late night partier, so it's not like I feel like this is taking away from it, but there is always this need to calculate every move because there is a third party to consider. This is not a value judgment on parenting, rather a personal reflection. I guess I am just trying to process everything. 10/16/2017 10:21:12 am
I hear where you’re coming from about your partners child with her ex. I will say, you have it pretty darn good when you said the child goes with the other mother every other weekend. I have been in a relationship for six years. I am 54 she is 28. I’m the one with the 12 year old child where as she has none. There is no coparenting either with an X or her. She is my partner she is not a coparent. I will say that again to you, that she is my partner and not a coparent. Your partner if she is a really good mom, Will not have you interfere with her child. It’s hard enough on the kid that the mother is gay and now on top of it the kid will have three moms? Don’t you think that’s hard on the child? If she’s any kind of mother, she will put her kid first. Before you before her relationship. Be grateful that the child goes every other weekend to the other mother.
R
4/27/2016 03:21:49 am
I'm a big kid, I like kids and although I'm in my mid 30's and I don't have my own I have been seeing my partner for almost 2 years and she has a little girl (now 4) whom I love as much as my partner. I totally understand that the kid comes first and I've been involved from the get go with discipline, rewards, toilet training, kindy etc and the only thing that I have an issue with is the kids dad. My partner and her ex wife decided on a private donor (a distant relatives partner). The arrangement was that he wouldn't have a whole lot to with the kid other than know that she came from him. My partners marriage ended just after the kid was born and before I was on the scene the arrangement between the dad and my partner relaxed and he has the kid 1-2 days a week. This is a great arrangement for when we want a child free night or need a sitter but what I struggle with is that the dad is around for dinner on Sunday's, Xmas, Easter, Mother's Day and other calendar events... As well as joining us on occasion when we go away with the kid. He recently moved and now lives two streets away and we often bump into him. I get that this benefits the kid having her dad around and that because the arrangement changed before I came on the scene we can't exactly stop it. It's not fair on the dad or the child... But where do you draw the line and where do I fit in? It's seriously making me question what I want in my relationship because I didn't intend to have a man in my life. Am I being completely selfish?
homer
5/24/2016 01:11:08 pm
I WONT EVER DO IT, despite that I am 33. I am not ready to be a parent or to have to stay home a lot etc. I like things that cater to post college graduate age and uip, not stuff I grew out of 25-30 yrs ago. 6/27/2016 11:29:50 pm
Hi I'm new and single here,I'm looking for True Love.I am skillful with my hands. I have two young daughters.and as a single parent,I do every thing in my power to make us happy. My children's father and I are separated. He some times come around.( I'm so sick and fed up) holding back my feelings.I want love when I need it,I spend time with my kids,We all have great time together But I need someone special too share it with.
Momazon
8/19/2016 12:00:10 am
Thanks for this. Funny how a blog post from 2012 is still getting replies!
Mom
9/24/2016 09:36:00 pm
In 26 days I marry the woman of my dreams all expect for one thing... she already has a child. Also, she co parents with the man she was with before me. Early on in our relationship, she was still getting past certain issues with him but of course as of now that's over & done. I just feel so damn intimidated by him & whenever he's mentioned I just get in an extremely sour mood. I met her son when he was 22 months old, he's now 3 & the family life is coming along well.... I just shut down when the father is mentioned or even after I'm around him. He's refused to meet me face to face so our contact is limited to in passing during child exchanges. I wish there was a support group for this. I often wish I could've been first...first to give her the one thing in this world that means more than anything else...but he already has..& will forever be in our lives. Sooo thankful for this thread, this is the first one of this type I've come across.
Step1
4/17/2017 09:04:45 am
You just summed up exactly how I'm feeling in my newish relationship. Thank you. I really needed to feel less alone in this. My partner is extremely supportive and vice versa, but at the end of the day I've never been in her shoes and she's never been in mine. I want to give her unconditional support in co-parenting with her ex husband, but I find that difficult in the face of his unpredicability. I too find her ex to be intimidating - and i either shut down or get upset when he's brought up or I see him in the child exchange. For instance, yesterday was Easter. My partner and I spent days preparing, then the three of us (mom kid and me) had a full and lovely Easter Sunday. We both noted that the ex didn't reach out once to speak to his son. My partner said that selfishly she was glad bc that's less time she has to speak to him but obviously it's a bummer for the kid. Then, I left for a few hours at night for a friends bday party and when I came home she vented about how she sent the ex pics of Easter Day and he said nothing. I shut down immediately, with thoughts like, why would you even send pics? He doesn't deserve that. But then, I also get it bc that's the kids dad and I want him to be in his life... but i don't want my partner to feel like it's her job to make that happen... it's complicated! Giving unconditional support for things that your internal voice is saying FUCK THAT about... anyway, thank you for sharing. I really needed to hear my thoughts coming out of someone else's mouth. This is the first time I've felt some relief and connection over this topic.
I am dating a woman who has a 11 year old who is an asshole but we talk to him and got him straight on respecting adults
Blavis
5/20/2017 07:50:13 am
My thing is I got with my wife when I was 18 and she was 28 and the time we'll long story short she has two kids whom I've grown to love like my own and we are actually friends with the kids dad and other step mom well that makes me the childless step mom and we were at the hospital when the kids step mom had her baby. I'm going through deep drepression being a childless step mom I'm wanting one of my own but really hard in a lesbian relationship just looking for support and needing advice 10/16/2017 10:08:44 am
Blavis, you need to get out of that relationship and in one that does not have any children. Being with a loving partner only really puts all of the attention on the two of you and that’s it. I have a child and was in a relationship without him, and it really is wonderful where the attention is only on the two of you. And then, you can always get a sperm downer or cryo-bank and have a kid together Or you can even adopt, which is what I did. Unfortunately my partner cheated on me after nine your relationship but if I had to do all over again I would.
Nicole
6/4/2017 11:27:58 am
So, I have been dating a girl with two kids for a minute. When we first started dating she only had one little girl, after we got together, she found out she was pregnant with a second child by this same guy. So in the beginning, I told her I wasn't a kid fanatic, she told me she would make it as easy for me as possible. As time went on, her baby daddy starts sending text messages trying to get her back, calling her in the middle of the night, coming to the house to see the kids and whatever, but I feel like she's scared of this man and she can never "help" anything that goes on around her. Now, I'm no new lesbian, and I'm not new to dating ppl with kids, but this relationship is really different and idk if I should leave or continue. I'm lost at this point. 10/16/2017 10:05:45 am
Nicole, I would run from the situation. She was with you and then she gets pregnant by a guy, and not just any guy but the same one that she has her first kid with? Run run run! She has a lot of growing up to do and I think you need to be in a relationship without kids.
Terry lang
10/16/2017 10:02:53 am
I have been in a relationship for six years. I have one son 12 years old she has none. I am 52 she is 29. We are on the verge of breaking up because she is not out to her family but her work knows about me just not about my son. I am just fed up with all the sneaking and lies and I can’t take it anymore. I love her but I just think I need a partner that can stand on her own 2 feet and not be of shamed of who she is and afraid of her own shadow.
Tash
11/7/2017 01:12:15 am
I'm a single mum (full time) to a 2 yr old. My child's father has only meet him once. I have a girlfriend of 1 year now. So we've been together since my son was 1. Just read your post. Gotta end it. No choice. Why? Because I’ve been there twice!!!! Just ended a 6 year relationship and a 4 yr before that!!!! Because they didn’t want a child in the end!!!! Period. Fuck them. They’re not worth it. Your child will a l w a y s bee a part of your life. If u choose the partner, u will fuck that kid up forever!! Please trust me! I know what your going through and bottom line is THE KID COMES FIRST!!!!!!
Anon
3/7/2018 12:39:26 am
I am 26, I have a 4 year old angel of a daughter. Her father and I were together for 5 years, but ended due to pretty traumatic circumstances. He’s unstable and untrustworthy, not fit to support a family full time. I have always been straight, only ever dated men, but consider myself pretty open-minded sexually and politically. I met a woman.... she swept me off my feet. It was so unexpected, so intense, but I fell quickly in love. She was aware of her bi-sexuality, but had also never been with a woman. She also fell quickly in love. Pure bliss. I really can see a future with her, and her, me.
t
3/18/2018 02:18:11 am
Am dating a woman who has eight years old son and we are in a long-distance relationship. In order us to live or start a life together, one of us to move to someone's city. This mean either of us needs to give up career paths and requires a lot of commitments. She is still in a situation decoding or organising her relationship with a son's dad and his family and my time with her become consumed by her family issues. She asked me to come to her place and live with her and her son, but I am wondering if this is really right decisions for me and her. I am losing my faith in our relationship. I love her but I don't want to spend my time to organise her previous relationship matter and also don't have any ideas on co-parenting. Obviously her priority is her son but I am not really sure how much my voices would influence in co-parenting of him. Losing financial independence, career and moving to another country, everything seems alerting at the moment. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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