Butch Wonders
  • Blog
  • Butch Store: Genderqueer Us
  • About
  • Contact

Dear BW...  Is it wrong to be attracted to a 14-year-old if I'm 23?

12/5/2014

5 Comments

 
For some reason, the post I did a while back on age differences in relationships continues to be popular, and seems to be read by people who are straight, gay, and everything in between.  There are lots of comments on it, but I got one yesterday and felt compelled to respond to it.  I thought I'd post my response here.  Here's the question (unchanged except for grammar and punctuation):

I'm 23-year-old guy and my friend is 14 years old. I didn't like her like that at first but after always hanging out and having a lot in common, I started becoming physically attracted to her. I feel that it is wrong because of her age but we both like each other a lot . What am i supposed to do? Is it that bad? Someone please help me out.  I'm so confused.

Dear Confused Reader:


It sounds like you're genuinely confused, and I have a few thoughts you might find helpful. The most important thing to realize is that, no matter how mature she seems, she is barely even a teenager. She cannot consent legally, which means you could get in big trouble if you start a relationship.

But MORE importantly, the fact that she's only 14 means that even if she is consciously "consenting" to a relationship with you, the simple fact of your age difference means that you hold WAY more power.  It may not feel like that to you, but that's how it is.  It truly would not be fair of you to start a relationship with her--not fair to HER, I mean. Even if she's the world's most mature 14-year-old, she's too young. It's not fair to put a sexual relationship with a 23-year-old guy into the mix of her life.  It's just not.

You sound like a guy who's trying to do the right thing.  If you really care about her, do not start a relationship with her.  Nine years isn't a huge difference when you're older--if she was 25 and you were 34, it would be a different story.  But the difference between 14 and 23 is HUGE--far bigger than she realizes, and maybe bigger than you realize, too.

Here's my advice.  If you really care about her, don't talk about your romantic feelings for her.  She doesn't need that kind of confusion.  And if you want to hang out with her, I suggest doing so around her family, not with just the two of you alone, which may bring unwise pressure/temptation into the situation. If it's meant to be, you can wait four years.

You also asked if it's "bad" that you're attracted to her.  I don't think attraction is "bad" or "good"--it just IS.  We can't help our attractions.  But we can help our actions.  As long as you don't act on it, I don't think your attraction is "bad."  But I also think it makes sense NOT to put yourself in situations that make you more likely to act on it.  Don't do stuff that feels like a date.  Don't hang out one on one.  Try not to judge your attractions morally, and focus instead on your actions.

You might also find that developing additional friendships with women closer to your own age might lessen your attraction to your 14-year-old acquaintance.  I don't know if this is the case with you, but some people who are repeatedly attracted to younger people are attracted to them because they seem less "threatening," and easier to talk to and be themselves around. If you have complete social confidence around women in their 20s, you might find that you are more attracted to women closer to your own stage in life. (If I'm wrong, and it's just that you're really into this 14-year-old, fine--like I said, you can wait four years to tell her and to act on it, and in the meantime can have social relationships with other women.)

You might also consider therapy--not because you need "fixing" or that there's something "wrong" with you--but simply because seeing a therapist can be INCREDIBLY helpful in sorting out confusing feelings, figuring out where they come from, and in making good choices about what do do with them.

Good luck, 
BW
5 Comments
grace
12/5/2014 02:13:35 am

I think its kinda effed up that hed be hanging out with a 14 year old at all even as a friend. its like wtf?

Reply
Rebecca
12/5/2014 09:20:17 am

Dude, run like your ass is on fire! If you start a relationship with a 14 year old, you are just asking for trouble. My opinion, not intended to offend.

Reply
Jonathan link
12/5/2014 07:13:39 pm

14 isn't really the point. Our age of consent here in the UK is 16 and anyone older having a relationship with someone younger has people rushing for the P-word and the lynch mob. Take that perspective to its logical conclusion and we'd be dropping bombs on Holland tomorrow.

I think you're right (BW) that the real issue here is the power differential. Maybe if the 14-year-old initiated the relationship, maybe that'd be okay. But for a 23-year-old to start it... sets all sorts of flags flying. It's the same reason why teachers, for example, aren't allowed to have relationships with pupils, even those over the age of consent. The difference in power makes it too problematic and open to abuse, however honourable your intentions might be. If you care for someone, wait until they're really able to say "no".

Reply
Martha
12/6/2014 04:16:16 am

Exactly Jonathan--it is about power. Even if he doesn't intend to wield the power, it simply is there. It's not just teachers who cannot have relationships with students. Therapists cannot have relationships with their clients, nor clergy with members of their congregations. There is an inherent difference in power--who's "in charge" of the relationship, regardless of who initiates the relationship.

I wonder too, as BW mentioned, about his relationships with women his age--they are much more likely to be at the same stage of maturity that he is, and in life (interests, education, experiences, daily lifestyle--work vs high school--etc.).

BW, I think your response was spot-on. If he really cares for her, he will not add to her usual adolescent confusion or put a stick in the spokes of her own self-discovery and development. Even at the age of 18, she may not be in a place to make those sorts of decisions, and he may have to face the possibility that no relationship is going to happen. As BW says, it's not the attraction that is wrong--it's what he does with it. And of course, that applies to all of us--whether we are attracted to someone in a committed non-open relationship, or we are in such a relationship ourselves and attracted to someone else. It is not wrong to find a friend's partner attractive, or even a random stranger you see at the club, What you do with the attraction does matter, and I think can be categorized as wrong (i.e., hurts someone--the person, their partner, you, etc.).

Reply
Kiv
12/6/2014 03:44:06 am

Good fucking advice. I have to wonder why this guy is even emailing you, though... did he think you'd say yes? :/ :/ :/ Creepy.

Don't start a relationship with her, don't tell her anything about it, and I'd even be wary of telling her you like her that way when she reaches the legal age of consent wherever you are. Some relationships are not meant to be, ok? Pining after someone for years isn't romantic, whatever our media tries to tell us---it's creepy, and it usually doesn't end well for anyone involved. Move on with your life, make some more friends your own age, and focus on being awesome. Please, please, please let her be a teenager.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    TWITTER
    FACEBOOK
    INSTAGRAM
    EMAIL ME
    Picture


    ​Blogs I Like

    A Butch in the Kitchen
    A Stranger in This Place
    Bookish Butch
    Butch on Tap
    Card Carrying Lesbian
    ​
    Chapstick Femme

    Effing Dykes
    Feral Librarian
    Lawyers, Dykes, and Money

    Mainely Butch
    Neutrois Nonsense
    Pretty Butch
       

    Categories (NOT up to date...  working on it)

    All
    Accessories
    Adventures
    Advice
    Bisexuality
    Blogging
    Books
    Butch Identity
    Cars
    Clothes
    Coming Out
    Community
    Dating
    Family
    Fashion
    Female Masculinity
    Fiction
    Friends
    Gaydar
    Gender
    Girlfriends
    Guest Posts
    Hair
    Health
    Humor
    Husbands
    Identity
    Interviews
    Intro
    Lgbt Community
    Lgbt Law
    Lgbt Relationships
    Lists
    Marriage
    Media
    Politics
    Polls
    Pride
    Pride Project
    Readers
    Relationships
    Religion
    Reviews
    Search Terms
    Shopping
    Silliness
    Social Change
    Ties
    Trans
    Work


    Archives

    May 2019
    February 2019
    September 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    March 2018
    November 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    April 2017
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011

    RSS Feed

 
  • Blog
  • Butch Store: Genderqueer Us
  • About
  • Contact