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Etiquette Around Gay People, 101: A Primer for the Straight and Well-Intentioned

7/21/2012

49 Comments

 
The butch bridesmaid post I wrote past week has been getting an ungodly amount of traffic, mostly from Google searches.  It seems that bunches of straight people are unclear on certain matters of etiquette when it comes to The Gays.  This results in much consternation and awkwardness on their part, most of which could be easily avoided.  (Note to straight people: if you're nice and well-meaning and not a homophobe, we probably won't think you're being a jerk.  Trust us--we've encountered jerks, and they're not you.)

Here's my best advice to straight people in various situations that seem to make everyone feel awkward.  Thanks to my excellent BW Facebook fans for lots of these ideas.

Situation A: You know someone's gay and you're curious whether they're dating anyone.  You know them well (maybe they're your kid, maybe your gay brother, lesbian sister, whatever).
What not to do: Say, "Do you have any new friends?"  I hate it when people refer euphemistically to my partner/DGF as my "friend," especially when it's preceded by an awkward hesitation.  Something else not to do: avoid it like the plague.  Act as if conversation about their romantic life is totally off-limits, even though you'd talk about it if they were dating someone of the opposite sex.
What to do instead: Ask the question exactly as you would if they were straight, except switching the pronouns where applicable.  "So, are you dating anyone these days?" is totally acceptable.

Situation B: You don't understand why your lesbian friend/daughter/sister/whatever is wearing men's clothes.
What not to do: Say any of the following: (1) "But you'd look so cute in something pink/frilly/fitted/from the women's department!" (2) "But you have such a great figure!" (3) "But those clothes are so masculine!"
What to do instead: Respect our choices.  We are well aware that we're wearing gender nonconforming clothing.  We're not doing it to hide our figure or because we think we're unattractive or because we want attention or because we don't know how to shop for women's clothing.  We doing it because we are much, much more comfortable this way.  Many of us actually hate standing out, but we wear gender nonconforming clothing anyway because it feels like "us."  Wearing girls' stuff often makes us feel like we're in drag.  It's awful.  If you want to gift us with clothing, please choose something that goes with our style.  If you're confused about our style, inquire further (or do not gift us with clothing).

Situation C: You don't understand how a same-sex relationship works (physically, emotionally, whatever).
What not to do: Ask, "But who's the guy?" or "How do you have sex?"
What to do instead: If you're genuinely curious, there's a plethora of info on the Internet about emotional and physical aspects of LGBT relationships.  Don't put us on the spot with such heteronormative silliness.  JFGI.  Once you've actually made an effort to learn, your questions will be thoughtful and that will be obvious and most of us will be happy to chat about them.

Situation D: You call someone "sir," then you realize the person is female.
What not to do: Freak out.  Or be awkwardly silent, as if it never happened.
What to do instead: Don't freak out.  It's happened to us before, and it will happen again, and when you're butch it comes with the territory.  It's fine to say, "I'm sorry," then move on.  Chances are, we feel more awkward than you do.  (But comping us a drink or a cup of coffee never hurts.)

Situation E: A lesbian couple announces that they're having a baby.
What not to do: Ask, "Where did you get the sperm?" or other details of how the pregnancy came about.  That's on par with asking a straight couple, "Was it an accident?"  Unless they offer it or you're really freakin' good friends, keep your curiosity to yourself.
What to do instead: Say, "congratulations!"  Express joy.  Attend the shower.  Ask if they have a name picked out.  The usual stuff.

Situation F: Two women are out to dinner.  At least one of them looks like a lesbian.  They're not holding hands or anything, though.
What not to do: Assume that they are on a date.
What to do instead: Make no assumptions.  If they indicate they're together or hold hands or something, great--then treat them just like you'd treat a straight couple.  But I hate it when I hang out with a female friend and people think we're together just because I look butch.

Situation G: A gay person of your sex compliments what you're wearing.
What not to do: Assume they're hitting on you.  Become uncomfortable.  Make sure to work in a reference to your own sexual orientation immediately, just to clear up any confusion.
What to do instead: Say thanks. 

Situation H: You know someone's gay because a mutual friend or co-worker told you.  But then the person himself or herself tells you they're gay.
What not to do: Feign surprise so the person doesn't think they're the subject of gossip.  Or worse, say something like, "You don't look gay."
What to do instead: Nod politely or say (calmly) something like, "Cool."  Ask about the person's significant other like you'd do if they were straight.

Bonus tips:
  • Don't refer to our boyfriend or girlfriend as our friend.  Don't say (of other gay people), "I think she lives with a friend."  Unless, of course, she really does live with someone who is just a friend, and not a romantic partner.
  • If you think someone might be in the wrong bathroom, don't confidently inform them that they're in the wrong bathroom.  Instead, you have two options: (1) Say nothing.  (Of course, if you think it's a guy and it's a safety issue, don't go with this option.)  (2) Say something like, "Hi there," or, "Isn't this restaurant great?" or, "Do you know where the paper towels are?" to get the person to respond.  If it's a guy, he'll realize you're not a guy and that he's in the wrong bathroom.  If it's a woman/genderqueer person/other person who is using the correct restroom, they'll respond politely and you can go about your business.
  • Some of us always knew we were gay.  Others of us didn't.  No need to do a triple-take when I talk about my ex-husband. 
  • Don't talk about equal rights as if they're an inevitability and we just have to "wait" or "be patient."  In most states, we can legally be fired for being gay.  We can't claim our partners on our taxes.  We face huge obstacles to things like adopting kids, making a will, or visiting our partners in the hospital.  It's absurd and unjust.  In many places, we can get harassed--or worse--for being us.  If your rights were stripped away, I bet it wouldn't be much comfort to know that things would get better in a generation or two.  Don't just excuse our rage; join us in it.
  • It's okay to invite us to a party, dinner out, whatever, even if we'll be the only gay couple there.  As long as everyone's nice and doesn't have antiquated notions about sex and gender, it'll all be copacetic.
  • You don't need to tell me that your uncle/friend/cousin/niece/neighbor is gay.  It's 2012, so the fact that you know other gay people isn't a big shocker.  Nor does it make me feel more comfortable.  You can convince me you're an ally just by being your awesome, well-intentioned self and following the advice above.  :)

Hope this helps.  Straight readers: any other awkward situations you encounter with gay people and don't know how to deal with?  Queer readers: any other situations that tend to come up in your lives?

49 Comments
Kali
7/21/2012 08:34:25 pm

I've been asked so many of them! For added awkward bonus, a friend once asked if I was still interested in having kids one day (because being lesbian = no maternal instinct?) and then expressed massive surprise when I said I would be the one getting pregnant, not my girlfriend. This same friend knows my girlfriend is MTF Trans* and therefore can't actually get pregnant, but she looked more femme than me at the time, so obv would be the one carrying the baby.

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Bonnie Half-Elven link
7/23/2012 02:04:15 am

As a hetero who is friends to several trans people, both MTF and FTM, I will admit that it does get confusing for us. To forget that your girfriend was once physically male is a compliment in a way, don't you think? Although, yes, it should not be assumed that the "femm" lesbian is the "motherly type" and the other is not.

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Tyler
9/9/2013 12:49:15 pm

Unless a woman tells you that she is unhappy with people recognizing that she was assigned male at birth, I don't think you are complementing her to say that she "passes" as a woman. I totally realize that you are supportive of transgender identities; just remember that many of us queers do not aim to conform to a "male" or "female" gender presentation. Although a transwoman might present within the spectrum of typical ciswoman presentation, this doesn't make her any better or more "successful" than a transwoman who presents, in any way, less like most ciswomen. It is not a compliment to let someone know that they look like a "real woman" (read: stereotypical ciswoman) because you are not in a position to decide what makes her a woman, only she is. It's always a great self-esteem booster to tell your friends -- cis friends, trans friends, any friends -- that they look great! Just remember that complimenting transwomen for "passing" as women implies that transwomen really aren't women.

Cheree link
7/22/2012 12:29:45 am

Two things:

1. If someone genuinely wants to know who "the man" in my relationship is, I probably do not want to talk to them about how my relationship works. The difference between my relationship and a hetero one is that it doesn't follow stereotypically gender normative guidelines. Which, in my opinion, is how ALL relationships should be, and I don't feel like my relationship should be your primer in how not to follow the herd.

2. Not every butch woman is offended by being called sir, and I feel suggesting they be comped a service when this happens isn't appropriate. Why make it a bigger deal than it needs to be? Would you rather be called ma'am? I somehow doubt it.

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JR link
7/22/2012 02:39:24 am

Actually, yes, I much prefer to be called "Ma'am."

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Butch Wonders link
7/22/2012 03:13:15 am

I was being tongue-in-cheek about the comped thing. (It seems like a rad public device to butches everywhere.) Re: the "sir" thing, I'd much rather be called ma'am!

Bren link
7/22/2012 10:16:59 am

If given the choice between "Sir" or "Ma'am," I'd much rather be "Sir." Though, really, I'd rather not be given any sort of formal title like that at all. Just call me "buddy" and I'm good.

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Bonnie Half-Elven link
7/22/2012 11:53:14 am

"The difference between my relationship and a hetero one is that it doesn't follow stereotypically gender normative guidelines. Which, in my opinion, is how ALL relationships should be..."

Although lgbt couples have lots of obstacles to face, this is one area where I am a bit envious. We hets have a lot of baggage when it comes to "women's/men's roles," which we have not gotten past - you're absolutely right. SS couples come into a relationship as true equals, and you have to work out between yourselves who takes care of what in the relationship and the household and the finances.

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Lenny Grey
9/10/2012 01:05:24 am

'Hi, how can I help you/what can I get you?' Works fine for me. Local variations are often good too.

Rowan
7/23/2012 01:28:00 am

2. This: especially as "realising that it's a women" is not at all reliable and is often based on physical sex features rather than presentation and as a non-binary-gendered person I can imagine nothing worse that being called Sir which I love and then being not only apologised for but compensated for this "error". I suspect this would be oh so much worse for trans men as well. I know this isn't a trans primer but I think that particular piece of advice is actively counterproductive if in no other way than implying perceived sex = gender and suggesting actions on the basis of this which would be *massively* disphoria inducing.

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Butch Wonders link
7/23/2012 01:43:07 am

Geez, what a great point, Rowan. I can definitely see where my advice would be counterproductive for trans* folks. Okay, so what do you think would be the best solution? Aside from not using a gendered pronoun ever (which would be my preference in general). What should a straight person do in the situation?

Lane
8/28/2012 09:33:26 am

I have friends who work in/manage restaurants. I have reiterated to them many times that servers can address groups as "Everyone' You all" and simply "Hello..." Neutrality can be achieved rather easily if people think about it as inclusion of everyone rather than gendering other people to what they are perceived to be; the latter is exclusion. And it feels crappy to be the one 'excluded' through language. I do not want to be included with the women I may be dining with as I am not a Miss, Ladies, ma'am or other female label.

My non-reaction to being called Sir or Mister should help them gauge their response ie if I say nothing or answer accordingly, so should they; they are not making an error when they use male terms on me (I prefer and welcome masculine pronouns)- they are seeing me as I present myself. I want to be swallowed by the floor when one of these people 'corrects' themselves and makes a spectacle of my gender for me...that is exclusion beyond comprehension.

As far as being comped anything, I want to be treated politely, period. If I pass to someone who later figures it out and just goes with it, heck- I'll comp THEM the drink for the validation they gave me and their diversity awareness:)

JR link
7/22/2012 02:31:00 am

Situation B: my mother deserves props in this area. My partner and I were visiting my family this week and as I was re-packing my suitcase in the living room, I said that I seemed to be missing some underwear. My mom overheard and asked what they looked like. I said, "Hanes boxers, probably with stripes" and her reply was, "That's what your brother wears, so maybe they got mixed in with his." We eventually determined that my brother wears "regular" cotton boxers while I wear knit boxers, so they probably didn't get mixed up. I kept waiting for my mom to say, "WHY ARE YOU WEARING BOXERS!!!" but to her credit, she rolled with it and offered to mail my boxers to me if she found a pair in the laundry.

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Kali
7/22/2012 08:17:42 am

Man I wish my mother was as cool as yours! Mine still insists on buying me lacy panties as a christmas present.

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Melanie link
7/22/2012 03:25:56 am

When my partner and I are asked which one of us is the "Mom" of our 21 year old daughter.

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em-power-me link
7/22/2012 06:34:57 am

Geez you'd think that when your daughter is 21 yrs old it really wouldn't matter who originally birthed her! That is ancient history - the ensuing years of a cohesive family unit are what's actually important.

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Jules
7/22/2012 05:09:17 am

The only thing I'd say is the bathroom thing can be tricky for those of us who are trans*. I know you make an exception for genderqueer or woman-presenting folks being in the bathroom, but what about trans women who, well, don't look a ton like cis women? Enforcing the idea of bathroom stranger danger can make people a tad paranoid. For the most part, people know which bathroom they mean to be in, and all they wanna do is pee in peace. Even though I'm kind of transmasculine, I still prefer to pee in women's restrooms. It's not cos I wanna make anyone uncomfortable or hurt anyone, I just like peeing in women's restrooms better.

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Butch Wonders link
7/23/2012 02:27:17 am

Those are great points, Jules. At the same time, bathroom stranger danger is a real thing (just a few weeks ago, this happened: http://www.kron4.com/Article.aspx?ArticleID=4436). I think you're right that the vast majority of people just want to pee in peace... but I get the fear, too. I wonder what the best way is to maximize safety *and* not be cissexist or transphobic.

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Rachel
7/22/2012 06:38:45 am

The pronouns always get me. I've found the best thing is to just ask the individual which pronouns he/she/xi prefers, but it can get awkward.

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Ang Lawrence
7/22/2012 07:38:04 am

Thanks! Very good advice! I shared this to my Facebook timeline for my own friends and family to read (and you know they will cuz they are just THAT curious! LOL) This should be a chapter in sex-ed in school, learning to skillfully and compassionately question, communicate with, or respectfully address and behave around friends/family members who are LGBT.

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Chris
7/22/2012 10:15:45 am

1. I have no issues being called sir. I actually prefer it. Ma'am is just awkward for me (and more awkward when apologies ensue).
2. The religion thing. I'm very spiritual and go to church almost every Sunday (my church is incredibly supportive). What I keep running across is people's unfortunate assumption that being gay means you can't be spiritual or religious. It's actually really insulting when someone asks the question "oh you believe in God?" or "you go to church?" as though being gay means I shouldn't.

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D2
7/22/2012 10:29:44 am

Totally agree....like if you are gay you can't be Christian (it seems to be okay to be into Goddesses, Wicca or Buddhist though)

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Edison
7/24/2012 11:40:33 am

This. Very much this.

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Chris2
8/31/2012 08:01:50 pm

I agree that being surprised you believe in God might be offensive, but perhaps not so much that you attend church. Gay or straight, I almost always ask that when I hear people go to church and mean no offense. Not sure why...I think it's to more to do with admiration that the person does something I feel like I should be doing too.

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jomo
7/22/2012 11:21:42 am

Great post BW!
Wish I could teach my family and co-workers not to pause and 'umm' before they ask life's big questions - like "are you seeing someone".
On Mondays no-one at work asks what I did on the weekend - I assume it's because they think they'd have to block their ears and run screaming form the room if I answered accurately. I know I'm facinating and different but I'm not likely to be sharing personal and X rated details!
And BW, congrats on use of the word 'copacetic'! It's the first word I've had to look up in years - I must drop it into conversation some time this week. :)

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zoe
7/22/2012 12:21:03 pm

A question that I find annoying and that I got a lot when we first moved in together: "Do you guys share clothes?" or (worse) "It's so convenient that you're about the same size!"

We don't share clothes because
a) we're not the same size. most people don't like wearing things that are "about" the same size. also, we prefer things to fit differently, making our clothing sizes more different than our actual sizes.
b) we have different gender presentations, even if it's a little subtle: my gf is masculine of center and wears both men and womens clothing (easier to find women's button downs that have boob space), and I'm more femme if not particularly girly.
c) we're grown-ups, and no one asks this of straight people of similar size.
A common follow-up is "but you both like wearing jeans and t-shirts on the weekend". Um, so do most straight couples of my age (30), and they're not the same kind of jeans in either case. And the girlfriend mainly wears polos and button downs. So, yeah.

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Laurlaur
9/9/2012 08:58:51 am

I could be clueless, but the clothes sharing comments--to me--wouldn't seem too absurd. As a straight female, one of my favorite things to find out about a boyfriend is that I can totally fit into his clothes, especially ones people know as his (e.g. football jerseys, school hoodies, etc.) since wearing them is basically saying "Yo, bitches, he's MINE and I'm allllll his, too!"
So if I were going to date a girl, I would be all up in her closet.

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Kris
7/22/2012 01:05:59 pm

Being femme, straight people often say "I never would have guessed you are a lesbian." or "You don't look like a lesbian." or "You could pass for straight/heterosexual." None of it is a compliment. All those statements are "Don'ts" as in situation B. Guess what, I do look like a lesbian because I am a lesbian.

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Bluemoon
7/22/2012 02:30:10 pm

I DO wear masculine clothes because I want to be noticed - I want to be noticed for being me and being me means wearing masculine clothes

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Bluemoon
7/22/2012 07:36:26 pm

However I definitely been there with "situation C" (clothes) - had my sister try to take me shopping for feminine clothes - including lessons on what styles of clothes make you look feminine - when I was aged 40+ and had my teenager daughter pressure me into a wearing a cocktail dress - never, ever again

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Geek Porn Girl link
7/23/2012 04:49:07 am

Some of my favorites:

Don't ask two women who might be a lesbian couple if they're sisters. Some actually once did this to a date and I while we were standing in line for a movie. She said "the two of you get along so well... let me guess... you're sisters!" Uh, no.

Don't assume that two lesbian-appearing women anywhere together – a restaurant, gallery, party, etc. – are partners. Even though lesbian relationships can occur at the speed of light, sometimes we are on dates or just hanging out with a friend.

Don't call us "ladies". Not all women identify as a lady.

Don't assume, if there's an age discrepancy, that one of us is the other one's mother/aunt/older sister/professor. With the hurdle of same-sex stigma cleared, many of us don't think age difference is that big a deal in a relationship.

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Levi link
7/23/2012 11:57:45 am

UGH!! People are ALWAYS asking if my partner and I are related, most recently last night. We are white Jews with glasses and short dark hair (never mind the lengths we go to to make sure our haircuts are sufficiently different), and apparently that cancels out the fact that we otherwise look nothing alike. It makes me feel so unbelievably awful. Don't go there, straight people!!!

I don't agree about the bathroom thing. I'm so anxious about getting yelled at in the women's room that more than half the time I now use the men's (and pray that I'm right about men not being threatened enough to beat me up). If I'm in a bathroom, you can trust that I've thought long and hard about the context and your comfort and my safety. Just let me wash my damn hands. And this goes quadruple for trans* women and transfeminine people in your local ladies' room.

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roses link
11/11/2012 09:24:39 am

Ah-ha! I'm still new to this and I wondered why I got slightly annoyed when folks at restaurants said "hi ladies" when I was with my last gf. Not that either of us don't identify as ladies, but because it made it seem like I was out with a buddy, not on a date. It's not a big deal, but I was wondering why it slightly annoyed me.

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e
7/23/2012 07:27:56 am

Don't invite us over just to prove to your hipster friends that you know *actual lesbians*.
In-laws... sigh.

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Jack link
7/26/2012 01:34:46 am

This is a terrific post. I think that more and more straight people need this information. There will always be differences among our preferences for pronouns and such - our identities are varied and complicate, and they can also change over time. For instance, I used to get rabid when someone called me "sir," and now I like it.

Folks of my generation (I'm 35) are in a precarious spot - LGBT issues were off the table as discussion topics for many of us in our families, but then all of a sudden, Ellen came out and nobody killed her on television. I, for one, had NO opinion of LGBT people growing up because I didn't even really know they existed. Now, you can't swing a dead cat without finding healthy debate about these issues in all media.

The students I teach, just by virtue of being alive and connected to the internet, have already picked up a lot of these tips just through social cues and (dare I say it? MEMES), but many of my generation of straight folks still whisper about the girls volleyball coach and take Adam Corolla seriously. So, thanks for putting this out there.

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Bree
7/26/2012 11:13:18 am

Jeans and t-shirts are my normal clothes of choice but every now and then I'll wear a dress or a somewhat girly shirt and people tend to freak out. Just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I have to wear just men type clothing or be extremely girly. I'm a normal human with normal tastes. Some days I feel like wearing jeans and a polo because it's comfortable or Im feeling a bit aggressive that day or maybe a dress because it's hot and I feel a little girly. It annoys me that people assume I have to dress as a butch or a femme all the time just because Im a lesbian.

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Bonnie Half-Elven link
7/28/2012 12:12:34 pm

Well, we het women get that too, in reverse sometimes. I prefer pants/jeans most of the time, though I will wear a long dress when it's hot or when I'm feeling a bit more fem.

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Kat
7/30/2012 07:06:18 am

THANK YOU for writing about situation F! I have a straight best friend and when she and I are out to dinner inevitably someone looks at me and realizes that because I'm butch we must be on a date. This has resulted in more than one awkward situation with a waiter: ex: "Which one of you had the beer and which one had the white wine? Oh, that makes sense.", telling me they were fine with us and I didn't have to ask for a split check for appearances, etc. It has also resulted in a few situations where straight best friend has had to experience homophobia from less than open minded patrons where we've been.

Another thing to note in situation A: I have had several times where well meaning people/friends/family members upon finding out I am gay want to be sensitive and ask, "Do you have a partner?" I get that they're trying to be kind and I appreciate that friend isn't the word used, but to go right to partner means I LOT more commitment than I am ready for.

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Bejai
8/22/2012 05:38:47 am

As the Mom of a very butch Lesbian, I did have some trouble with the male clothing. I adjusted slowly over time. The last hurdle was shoes. I LOVE shoes and have way too many silly, outrageous shoes. I finally realized that she was beautiful as she is and gave her a very high-end pair of men's dress shoes for Xmas. She was: relieved, pleased, and looked smashing!

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Lenny Grey
9/10/2012 02:12:28 am

Heh, accidentally replied to the wrong comment further up, sorry!

Also wanted to add that just because two people have the same sexuality, it doesn't mean they need to be matchmade. That doesn't work for het people, and similarly, having two gay friends doesn't mean they have anything in common other than their sexuality and you as a friend. Really common mistake people make.

Restrooms are a nightmare. It's definitely a cis privilege not to have to think about which one to use. I'm trans* with shaved head, fairly masculine clothing, but living in a curvy body. I'm also disabled, so nine time out of ten I'll be using the disabled bathroom, but when I have to choose... ick. I'm not either.

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Dana
1/11/2013 07:24:23 am

Hello--

I have a major question. I am 25 and my sister is 23. We are extremely close. About 6 years ago she came out to our family and 3 years ago she started dressing in more masculine clothing. Right now she is considering taking hormones but is worried about becoming unable to reproduce.

My question is--I am engaged, and she is absolutely best friends with my fiance, but her and I are best friends and sisters as well. Since she prefers to dress in masculine clothing and would probably rather wear a suit/tuxedo to our wedding, and she is very close to him, I was thinking she might want to be standing on my fiance's side, but since she is my sister I really want her to be my "bride's maid" so she can help me plan out my wedding and everything, I want her on my side. (I don't mind having her wear a tuxedo and on my side). I just don't know how to ask her to be my "bride's maid." This is the only time I've ever come to a complete halt regarding our "gender differences" in all the 13 years I've known she was gay.

She is extremely open with me about everything, so I was thinking I should just ask her--but I don't want to upset her by asking her to be my "bride's maid" because she is trying to appear male and this is sort of in its earlier stages...

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Butch Wonders link
1/12/2013 03:17:46 am

Hi Dana--thanks for the question! What an awesome sister she has--you're so sensitive to her gender identity and presentation. If I were you, I'd say something like, "I would really, really love for you to stand on my side at our wedding." That way, you avoid using any loaded gender-y words. If she says, "Wait, you want me to be a *bridesmaid?*" I think you can just say something like, "I don't care what we call it--bridesmaid, best man, person of honor. And I don't care what you wear. I just want you next to me on my wedding day." Do you think that would work? BW

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Susanne
1/17/2013 02:14:51 pm

Scenario: I'm young and questioning my sexuality, and I want to talk to a gay person about it to be sure I won't be judged. Would that be viewed as obnoxious? Would he/she get pissed off or offended?

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Levi link
1/18/2013 05:43:11 am

I'm butch and "obvious" and sometimes I'm a magnet for drunk people who want to talk about their orientation. I don't mind, but it can be slightly awkward. I know a (very) few people who find it annoying, but I think most of us have been there at one point and are generally very sympathetic.

Suggestions: 1) if possible, talk to a person who's already a friend, 2) set up a time to talk to the person rather than cornering them at a party or when they're focusing on something else, 3) don't be drunk. :)

You might also try a local or online support group (if you're a student, check out your school's GSA-equivalent), because this is exactly what they're for and they will probably be the most helpful and have the best resources. I went to my college's "gay dinners" and spent a lot of time on postsecretcommunity.com's LGBT forum when I was figuring it out.

Lots of love! You aren't letting anyone down no matter what conclusions you draw. And since everything is subject to change, you will probably never stop drawing and redrawing them.

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Butch Wonders link
1/18/2013 09:12:48 am

Hi! That's a great question. One thing about gay people is that most of us--or at least, many of us--were questioning at one time or another, too. We know how hard it is, and how confusing it can be. And most of us had to take the leap and talk to someone else about it at one time or another. So I think that gay people are likely to be sympathetic to what you're going through. Ideally, it would be someone you already know in some other context: a friend, a teacher, a coach, a teammate, whatever. I think it's reasonable to say something like, "I was wondering if I could get your advice about something kind of personal. Could I buy you a cup of coffee sometime and talk with you?" This will let said gay person know what's up. And if they feel uncomfortable or feel like they don't know you well enough to divulge anything personal, they won't say yes. Make sense? Good luck!

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Bonnie Half-Elven link
1/19/2013 01:25:39 am

You might also seek out a PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter near you. They offer support for LGBTQ people and their allies. www.pflag.org

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Clyde
7/14/2015 04:47:31 pm

I love the gays!!!!😊

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Beth
7/19/2015 02:04:38 pm

One of my best friends just told me she was bi, and it really came as a shock to me, and I wanted to be supportive, but not creepy. Thanks for the post, I don't know why I was freaking out, I will just treat her as I always have.

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g
4/5/2016 07:19:16 am

Sorry, but if someone tells me they are gay, my reply is usually along the lines of, "So what?" Unless they are someone I am sleeping with, it's none of my business, and, without intending to be rude, I really don't care.

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