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Good Signs

12/7/2011

6 Comments

 
Whether we're 15 or 50, it's hard to shake the need for our parents' acceptance.  For the non-gender-conforming among us, that can be a long (and sometimes hopeless) road.

When I first started to come out--what, five years ago or so?--it was not easy.  Here are a few highlights:
  • I come out to my mom when we are eating lunch at PF Chang's.  But I can't make myself say it out loud and I begin bawling in the middle of the restaurant.  Later that day, my mom suggests that maybe it's just that my DXH isn't the right guy for me.
  • My parents visit for the day.  I come out to my dad while he and I are walking my dog.  He says nothing for the rest of the walk.  We get back and he still says nothing.  My parents leave immediately, though we'd been planning to have dessert together.  My dad calls the next day and talks stiltedly for an hour about the Red Sox.
  • My mom tells me on the phone that my girlfriend is not invited to Thanksgiving.  She calls back two hours later and tells me she's sorry, and that my girlfriend can come.  I bring said girlfriend.  Awkward dinner ensues.
  • My mom asks if, even if I am a lesbian, do I have to look like one?
  • I come out to my grandmother, who promptly tells me she is very sad that I will probably die of AIDS.
While I don't think it's healthy for us to dwell on our family's acceptance of our sexual orientation or gender presentation, it can feel lousy when they don't "get it," and great when they do.  A few things have happened in the past few months that have really cemented my (very conservative) family's acceptance of me:
  • My DGF comes to Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house.  We stay three nights.  My mom sets up a bed for us.  It is not awkward.  My one-year-old niece calls us both "auntie."
  • My parents watch "Project Runway."  My mom says jokingly, "I dunno, your father likes Tim Gunn an awful lot..."  My dad replies cheerfully, "Hey, maybe I'm a 25-percenter!"
  • My grandmother says it's "great" that my DGF and I have moved in together.
  • My parents visit for the day and bring a bottle of wine to congratulate my DGF on her new job (this is after my mom regularly looked for jobs online that would be suitable for my DGF and emailed them to me to pass along to her). 
  • When I jokingly tell my mom that a particular butch lesbian is "flaunting her homosexuality," my mom replies, "Well, I think that some of those gals in Playboy are flaunting their straightness!"

I don't mean to give the impression that we agree on everything now, or that I never feel like a weird outlier, or that everything's hunky-dory all the time.  But I feel pretty dang accepted, and five years ago, I would have never guessed that my relationship with my family would be this good. 

Our progress, I think, is attributable to: (1) unconditional love; (2) a willingness to talk about things that bother us (even if "talking" means arguing); and most of all, (3) a sense of humor.  I'm incredibly grateful for the steps my family members (particularly my parents) have taken to understand me, and I hope that in turn, I've tried to "get" them. 

What signs of acceptance have you received from your family that you wouldn't have thought possible two or five or ten or twenty years ago?

6 Comments
bev
12/7/2011 03:04:56 am

I came out late about 7yrs ago, some of my family accepted me yet one of my brother does the hate crap and another , crack all the gay joke after a time they get hurt full so you walk away from those family members , but also for other reason My family fallen apart, my g/f had to pull teeth so to speak to talk to my mum ask her question, sadly by the time i was dating my next their was no family for me to say hey guess what, but thank you for your post and makes me happy that the family I do have in my life accept me for me other wise I have to say goodbye it is hard but we all need people in our life who love us for us !!

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Lotusdrifter
12/7/2011 03:48:06 am

When I came out to my mother, she was warm and supportive (and not surprised), but said "we don't need to tell Dad, ok?"

And for a long while, I didn't. She persuaded me that he would never accept it, and it would be better for everyone if he didn't know.

Eventually, unable to bear the double-life sham any more, I told him. He was quiet for a moment, then said "You are the same woman you were this morning - I just know you a little better now". My mother's jaw dropped!

How was it that my mom had gotten it so wrong when predicting my dad's response? Well, as it turned out, she hadn't. My dad really did want to be accepting, and intellectually, he was. But deep down, he struggled with it. It took me a couple of months to work this out, because he was saying all the right things, but... he was very uncomfortable around my (butch) girlfriend at the time and avoided her. He would decline invitations to family gatherings, whether they were at my house, or my brother's, if he knew she would be there. He never got to know her - and that broke my heart. In the two and a half years that we were together, he couldn't bring himself to invite her to call him by his first name. She and I have recently split up, so he never will. It really is his loss.

I sometimes wonder if things might have been different if I had come out to my father around the time that I did to my mom. At that time I was involved with a very femme woman. She was (and still is) deep in the closet. For the four years that we were together, she would visit my parents with me, without my father knowing of our relationship. He thought we were good friends. And he adored her.

Both of my brothers have challenged my dad on his lack of acceptance of my butch ex, as have I. He denies it emphatically and says he loves me, accepts who I am, and supports my choices. But he doesn't, really.

Now that I am single again, I am sure he harbours a hope that I will get back together with my ex-husband (I, too, was married to a man with whom I still have a very solid friendship. He asks after him and never after my ex-GF). This in spite of the fact that I have explained clearly that I am a lesbian, not bi-sexual and will never be with a man again.

Will he ever *really* accept this? I don't know.

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Yolanda
12/7/2011 02:48:04 pm

When I was 19, a 40 year old woman phoned my mother and outed me, after I made it clear that I had no romantic feelings toward her.
I was so not ready to to leave the closet- just finished school, and juggling two apprenticeships and a challenging job at a rehab facility.
My mom's reaction was bad. She plucked me out of bed at 5am, and gave me a black plastic refuse bag, told me I had 15 minutes to get my clothes together and get out. She didn't raise any lesbians, and had no homosexual children.
Now its 19 years later (another lifetime passed) and she still refuses to acknowledge my existence. Three years ago I stopped trying. I phoned her to wish her a happy birthday, and she told me to delete her number, and hung up on me.
It hurts like crazy, and I often wonder if my dad would've been able to make a difference if he was still alive.
My two sisters love and accept me, but they are careful never to make any reference om our mother in conversation, as they anticipate I may be hurt by knowing that I'm not a full member of our family unit. Akward, sometimes.
These days, I'm a busy, successful tattoo and airbrush artist with my own studios and deep involvement in my community. I have no resistance or bad vibes with anyone around me, but I struggle to form meaningful relationships wit women, so for the past 4 years or so, I've given up trying and just reclassified myself as asexual. I havent dated anyone in this time, no one night stands, either, and I feel happier inside myself for it. Maybe one day I'll get lonely and try again, but for now, I'm good :-)

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catmo
12/8/2011 07:53:16 am

Beautiful as always. I too get the "do you have to look like one?" STILL 13 yrs later. I think though...it's starting to sink in, maybe....

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emme link
12/8/2011 08:26:31 pm

My gf has been out for more than 15 years. Her mother still doesn't accept the fact that she is now, always has been, and always will be, a lesbian. She also gets the "do you have to look like one? Why do you have to wear the uniform?"

I came out much later in life (tried to almost 15 years ago). My mother is deceased and my father -- doesn't know what to say.

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Elisha
12/12/2011 04:18:42 am

That is awesome. I came out at 30 (last year) and me and my dad never talked about it. He seemed okay...then not okay...eventually I knew he was accepting is when out of the blue he asked if I had called the lady my aunt suggested to give the ceremony for the weeding.

gotta love family.

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