This guest post is written by BW reader Sarah Ultis, a dynamite thirtysomething femme who also blogs at the Butch-Femme Project. Ultis lives in Phoenix, Arizona and happens to be an "outlaw knitter" who does cool stuff like yarn bombing.
Relationships are difficult. They take work, dedication, and a commitment to talk through the hard stuff without giving up, so everyone makes mistakes. However, when it comes to butch-femme relationships, there are a few things butches seem to excel at in the screw-up department.
The first key to this list is to be honest with ourselves about what we want and who we are. The second is to talk to each other and really listen in return. We cannot find long-lasting, satisfying relationships without being our true selves at all times. If the person you’re with would leave you for being who you truly are, she’s not the right one for you, nor are you the right one for her. So if you’re a butch who’s scared of spiders and collects pink teddy bears, be that to the fullest, but be honest about it so that the woman who loves you can love all of you, not just who you appear to be in your badass leathers on the Harley. Thanks again to Sarah Ultis of the Butch-Femme Project for this post. Any butches out there want to write something similar about butch-femme relationships from a butch's perspective? If so, email me at butchwonders@yahoo.com. --BW
103 Comments
rhianimal
6/22/2012 08:56:44 am
Seriously? It seems to me that your biggest problem is acting too much like spoiled ass str8 womyn. You sound like f'ng Goldilocks. Don't act too butch, don't act to femme, act just right to make me happy. This attitude makes me ill. No wonder so many butches prefer to be alone as they get older. It's better than emotionally enslaving themselves to spoiled femme girls that need to remake their partner into their ideal of perfection.
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femme_areola
6/22/2012 09:43:22 am
Yikes, rhianimal,
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femme_areola
6/22/2012 09:44:03 am
*alone
Murphy
11/27/2012 05:48:27 am
Honestly the young lady who posted her true feelings on and or about the way she expects her "butch/relationship" to be, I completely and unequivocally agree with every word she wrote!!!
TJ
1/17/2013 11:46:18 pm
This post sounds more like a job advertisement than problems between this and that. Laborer, Must pay attention to detail, show up on time, be trustworthy, must be able to lift up to 75lbs, haha! No, this is not an add for foreman, if your looking to be a foreman, apply elsewhere. LoL
pan
6/22/2012 09:54:43 am
while i don't necessarily agree w/ the "spoiled ass str8 womyn" comment (honestly i know a lot of straight chicks who are waaaay less demanding of their partners than this femme's list) i'm also glad i'm not the only one who kinda recoiled @ the goldilocks/princessy 'tude... then again, this just reinforces the reality that i'm a (self ID'ed) faggy butch & i've never found the idea of dating a femme appealing :P the only part of this that made sense to me was #5, & really EVERYONE should be honest in their relationships, whatever their identity. the ultimatum laden "do _____ to my (nebulous) specifications or we're going to have issues" approach makes my skin crawl - give me another low maintenance rough'n'tumble butch-of-center queer any day!
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alex
6/22/2012 12:30:29 pm
Double Yikes, Rhianimal. I think you have some issues with femmes. OK to the guest poster - Thanks for writing this and I'm seriously worried about you reading Rhianimals comments. Please don't!
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Sarah
6/23/2012 04:40:42 am
Bah. I think her comments say more about her than they do about me. But thank you to the folks you got the joke and have enjoyed the post. =)
EK
6/23/2012 07:56:25 am
@rhianimal,
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Lydia
9/17/2013 09:25:13 am
Well fucking written! These thoughts I totally understand. Ty.
EK
10/17/2013 12:01:35 am
@Lydia ...Not sure if that was directed to me but if so, thanks. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person who thinks about things in this way. So many people are so invested in their identities ("I was born feminine/masculine, this or that, end of story" "I just like butches/blondes/femmes/Asians and that's that, no reason why") that they strongly resist the invitation to step outside of themselves for a while and ask questions like "Why?How does our world work and how am I, my identity, my desires, a part of it?" Those of us who do ask such questions aloud are often shut down. your commiseration is welcome.
Chrissy
12/1/2013 08:54:43 am
I agree with just about everything you said EK.
amy
6/13/2014 04:56:06 am
It's nice when someone can lay bare the essence of the topic which was not well expressed by the offensive author of the article.
gerene808
9/3/2014 11:30:50 pm
Thank you...I now have a better understanding of what I am looking for, I've been on this emotional roller coaster trying to figure out why me and my bou argue all the time. I can bearly tolerate her snide comments. I've had relationships with bous as a teen, but went straight because my heart was broken. Now I turned femme because a man broke my heart and of course the sex was great. But now its crazy and I can't shake this feeling of trying to please her...so that is a well written statement masculine energy in a woman dosent have to come in butch form...well said.
TJ
1/18/2013 12:44:18 am
If you can read between the lines, this is an excellent post. Not just because of the post itself but the comments it generated. It says a lot about people in general. And if it were a job advertisement, it also says, looking for laborer, not foreman - that role is already taken. LoL This is a Great post!
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8/25/2015 04:07:45 am
I am glad that not everyone was offended. I was trying to be direct, honest and to the point of what I am interested in finding as a partner.
Renaye
5/4/2013 06:12:48 pm
Rhianimals comments have a note of bitterness, maybe even some contempt (as evidenced by her swearing) but the bitterness I can relate to. I'm fond of femmes. I like when they're smart, witty and well-read and I like when they're gracious and essentially gentle. But just as butches, AG's and studs need to know when they've come upon a narcissist and should cut their losses, femmes have a responsibilty to communicate their desires, maybe if not always clearly and explicitly, then at least consistently, and I have not always found that to be the case. Nevertheless, the real issue seems to be that being truthful with one'self at least raises the likelihood of being truthful to others, if not in words, then at least in actions.
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SuperDuperChiQ
7/16/2013 03:17:11 am
I agree with you completely, Rhianimal!! There is nothing in this post that speaks of inherently trying to work at a relationship and show the dynamics of butch-femme relationships, just a bunch of whiney-spoiled-femme malarkey. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this.
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Anon
1/11/2014 11:50:56 am
I agree with you.
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Casey
8/9/2015 03:19:01 am
Would have to agree for I am one butch stud whatever the hell each generation comes up for a masculine lesbian that chooses to be alone than to be with the boss godess femmes were attracted to that think there the queen that we should be worthy of.they all need to stop acting like men themselves all dominating butches and bullying them telling them how to act like a power trip man does to his beat down wife.single for over a year an loving the life of not being beat down by a fem that think the world revolves around her. Ijs.lmao
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tee
4/9/2018 01:34:36 pm
amen
alexisshaw1
1/24/2016 10:29:11 pm
omg exactly
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Casey
6/28/2016 06:53:50 pm
I totally agree with butch wonders. Its why I' been single for 2 years
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Dapperlee
5/1/2017 06:29:52 am
Thank you. My girl tries to change me. I'm sorry she can't lol.
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Bats
10/2/2017 09:07:05 am
This article is insane!
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stacey tupa
6/22/2012 09:03:42 am
I agree to some of what you said...esp. the workaholic..my butch is a workaholic..I can handle it sometimes...and when it gets to be a lil much we talk...I remind her we need US time...and she makes sure we both get that...now for the other parts..I love my butch for who she is...she is sometimes called sir. (lol) I giggle about it and just go on.One of the main things I love about my butch is she is comfortable in who she is as I am in myself...
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Jodie
6/22/2012 09:09:08 am
Lol seriously this femme is on the money! I'm butch and I can relate to everything she has said. I've watched many relationships fail due to one or a few of the five points listed not being adhered to. Thanks for the great blog, it gave me a good laugh :-)
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Tia
3/20/2013 10:35:18 am
I have to say, although I am not quite as demanding a femme as the author of this post, I loved it. I was laughing my ass off at the comment:
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Patricia
5/3/2016 01:59:15 am
I am enjoying the discussion that the original post is generating. It's all food for thought. I have been described as "sporty" I guess middle of the road. I have close-cropped hair, wear makeup every day, and I would say my spirit or mode of interaction is quite female. I can cook, love taking care of cleaning and decorating around the house, but I can't fix anything! I've generally been in relationships with other middle-spectrum women. Not too into labels, I am using them for purposes of this discussion. I was always afraid of and nervous around feminine lesbians. It recently occurred to me that this is because I am very, very attracted to them! I recently dated a very feminine lesbian, pretty much my first "femme" I was thrilled to pieces and she seemed to be as well. She was all over me, and then, after a lovely date (all of our dates lasted 5-6 hours and she seemed as reluctant as I was to part at the end of them) she wrote and stated she only wanted friendship. I am certain that the 180 she pulled had nothing to do with her very feminine presentation, but now.... I'm afraid of the femmes again! I'm not giving up though! I guess I am not very sure at all if there is a recipe or formula for how this is all supposed to work, but I definitely appreciate this conversation. Thank you to all who have posted.
Seems to me this post isn't saying much about BUTCH issues... Over/Underemployment and dishonesty can be a problem on either side; and as far as being "too masculine" or "too feminine," isn't that kind of a mileage-may-vary thing?
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Tnav
10/12/2014 12:40:24 pm
I Identify as a butch/trans man so I have A LOT experience with femmes. They're what get my pulse quickening and protectiveness going. I completely agree on the oil change thing. I can't work on cars or anything that really requires tools. Honestly, I hate football and most sports. Now give me a good book, scientific journal, or documentary and I will excel. From my past relationships this is how the femmes acted and I'm guilty of more than a few bullet points. The article gave me a good chuckle.
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Carmen Vazquez
6/22/2012 09:31:29 am
Hey Sarah.
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Sarah
6/22/2012 11:26:27 am
Hey Carmen, I completely agree. I think that's what happens for a lot of women who identify as butch. It happens for femmes too, we just express it differently I think. It's really scary to put ourselves out there because other people have the right to have their own feelings about our feelings, just as some people here have expressed outrage at my 'tude because of how they've chosen to interpret it, rather than the tongue-in-cheek humor it really is meant to be. I think as we learn more about ourselves and become more comfortable and confident with who we are, that fear of being vulnerable lessens, though never fully goes away. I guess we just keep trying right? Thanks so much for your comments.
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A S
6/24/2012 06:36:09 am
Hey Sarah, if people aren't quite reading your humor the way you intended, maybe you want to try expressing it in a different way? Your intent is obviously getting lost on a lot of people, so you may want to clarify. As a fellow writer, I know the burden lies with me; if my audience misunderstands, it is because I haven't explained myself completely.
Nikki
6/22/2012 09:32:31 am
I loved this article!
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JAy
1/18/2013 02:09:05 am
Yeah, this is an excellent post!
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sue
6/22/2012 09:37:18 am
I am a femme, I agree that balance is the key to pretty much all relationships. My butch spouse and I have had discussions about the work thing, she tends to want to put the job ahead of me. We established the boundries of our femme/butch behavior way at the beginning of the relationship, with honesty and just being who we are, things work out very well. 5 yrs strong...I always say, look for what you want in a person, don't try to make a person into something you want....
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Deetoo
6/22/2012 10:16:28 am
I thought this was cute blog and made some good points. Main one, just be yourself, so the other person knows who they are falling for. I also have had issues with number 1)...I like butches but I also like women...but then I have been in relationships where I had to deal with 2) also....I don't really consider it to be the other person though, I just think it is me figuring out what is a turn on for me....I am a "latebian" and I guess just learning about me. There certainly is the time and the place to feel like a princess though!
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Sarah
6/30/2012 02:37:57 am
@Dee,
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Bren
6/22/2012 12:15:02 pm
Well let me have you know the writer of this article is my girlfriend and there is no way this woman has the goldilocks/princess attitude. She is perfect the way she is and her thought process for this article was amazing. She is only spoiled by me and no others because I believe in spoiling the lady of the house. She has made me the happiest butch in the world cause has aloud me to be me. And we do communicate if there is an issue and we work together making our relationship and home work. That is what true relationships are about. So thank you for calling her a princess cause is is MY amazing princess..
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Tia
3/20/2013 10:38:18 am
Awwwwww....so sweet!!! You two are lucky!!!
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I haven't spent a ton of time in butch/femme relationships--I mostly date other butches. That being said, I just want to point out one thing that really kind of bothered me about this post.
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Cherry
6/24/2012 06:31:58 am
I'm a femme, and I usually date masculine-spectrum people. I think it's really dangerous, though, to talk about one gender (which I consider butch and femme to be) as the ones who do X and the other as the ones who do Y. Some butches (and men, trans or cis) I've dated cry a lot. I don't cry much at all. I really love to buy flowers for my sweetie, prefer to be the one driving, and no one is expected to be the bug-killer by default. I hate to cook. I like to sew and craft. I am the one who assembles the IKEA furniture, and I take pride in my ability to lift heavy boxes. None of these things have to do with my gender expression. I think it's dangerous to put each other in boxes, because I always wonder, "Well, what ELSE is expected here?"
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Sarah
6/30/2012 04:36:29 am
@ Cherry Hi! I think you have a point about putting each other in boxes. I think it's difficult because as much as I'd like to say "looks shouldn't matter nor do they dictate a person's traits" appearance is more often than not the first impression we get. Most of the time I'm a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl. I don't wear make-up or heels, but when I go out, I dress up, put on my make-up, my girlie clothes. I identify as "femme" and so portray myself as femme in my manner of physical presentation. But, I'm also extremely independent and prefer to do many things for myself, so butches who see me in my femme gear and perceive me as someone who wants to be pampered or babied won't really understand the total of my character just by how I portray myself on the outside. I think the same happens for butches. Most femmes have expectations of certain masculine traits from butches because of the manner in which they portray themselves publicly. For instance, I had a long-term relationship with a woman who dressed butch and talked butch (aka more masculine in characteristics) but emotionally was far more feminine in characteristics and preferred a more typically feminine role in our relationship. That wasn't what I was looking for or attracted to and so the relationship failed. I also dated a woman who dressed more feminine but had more masculine or "butch" attitude, which made her attractive to me in spite of her outward appearance. There are so many combinations of the ways we present ourselves and who we are that there's no one way of being or doing. There is often a disconnect between what we portray and who we are at our core but denying that those initial expectations exist is unrealistic. This is why it's so vital to be honest with our partners to ensure a good fit.
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Ronni
5/31/2016 04:05:04 am
I am used to dating bisexual women who expected me to be the traditional butch which I happily provided except that I appear femme but I never dress girly so one lesbian told me one time that I was trying hard to be a butch. Duh. I also hate butches when theyre so weak in terms of keeping a job.
hi, sarah! um, maybe it's because i'm not a lesbian and i just don't get it, but the wording of numbers 1 and 2 really bothered me. i mean how does one act like a woman/man? for example, if women can be butch/femme, then fixing cars and picking flowers are equally womanly activities, aren't they?
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Sarah
6/30/2012 04:47:16 am
@Mx. Punk
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I think that the only thing this post elucidated for me is that sexuality and gender are highly personalized and no one will ever be successfully able to construct a list that reflects the personal experiences and wants/needs of a person other than themself, including the femme who wrote this list. Aside from validating the personal preferences of a few people, I can see no value in sharing lists like this; I wasn't the only person who read it that was horrified at the language, sexism, transphobia, classism, etc. It reads like a personal ad from b-f.com. Why was it even posted?
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6/26/2012 02:05:37 am
I respectfully disagree that there is "no value" in sharing a list like this, and I also disagree with your contention that it shouldn't have been posted. I like a huge variety of personal experiences and perspectives, which is the whole reason I'm doing guest posts at all--to broaden the perspective of the blog, since I can only write from my limited own.
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bw, i'm going to poke my head in to say that you're generally very respectful, thoughtful, and you tend to avoid problematic language. i think such lists can be fun to share-- your lists are always fun. for me, the difference between this list and your lists is that you're bw and you write like bw. know what i mean? i think it's how you write lists...
EG
6/25/2012 11:43:05 pm
Wow. I have to admit that I needed to read this several times to cut through the red-hot anger it sparked in me. I appreciate the desire to find a mate that suits you and fulfills you on every level, be it emotional, physical, spiritual and so on. However your list wants to put every butch into a precise little box and makes many assumptions along the way.
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Wow , I thought did I write this ? It's my total life to a T. I am very very femme only attracted to butches . I have gone through every thing you said. And no I don't want her into my girly stuff, I am the femme and usually in that dichotomy there is a lot of sexual tension , because of the differences in the couple , and we are being ourselves no playing het roles . We are just us and usually the dichotomy is very hot
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8/25/2015 02:24:08 am
I am a soft butch, looking to meet a fem lady that wants to be treated like a real lady: I am very out going and enjoy spending time with only good honest people that want to find that right butch to get to know. Very passionate lover no game or drama. would hope to meet someone who maybe interested.
K
6/26/2012 12:31:38 am
I have no problem with this list as long as it's sort of a personal manifesto for the author's relationship preferences, but the gender role prescription makes me *really* uncomfortable with the idea that this could be some sort of advice column with a takeaway message for readers.
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"I have no problem with this list as long as it's sort of a personal manifesto for the author's relationship preferences..."
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K
6/26/2012 05:37:38 am
No problem, and thank you! 6/26/2012 02:00:22 am
To K, Meaghan, and EG:
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6/26/2012 03:46:13 am
Fair enough. I interpreted this post not as "funny" or satirical, but as tongue-in-cheek. I mean, look at #2. That's SO over the top. I interpreted it as: the author is being hyperbolic to make a point.
K
6/26/2012 05:50:21 am
Thanks for the response. Would it be OK if I waited for a bit on the "full post" thing? I'd love to gather my thoughts more, plus I'm a new reader and brand-new commenter here, but I'm definitely interested in writing more on this topic in the future. If someone else wanted to step up quickly to do a direct response, that'd be great.
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Sarah
6/30/2012 03:03:51 am
@K Hi there and thanks for recognizing that I might be here. I'm running out of words as I've been going through these posts and kind of appalled at the accusations and assumptions about my character. I appreciate that you recognized that his list has more to do with my own experiences. We can only write from our own experience and perspective, and while this list has tons of over-the-top exaggeration there are still pieces of it that have been issues for me, and others in my life, over the years. I couldn't possibly express all the combinations of relationships or gender roles or potential issues that can occur in every possible relationships dynamic, To try and do so in this type of format would be an unrealistic goal on my part I'm not writing a doctoral thesis, just a little blog post. =) There were some pieces edited out that I felt clarified things a little more, but didn't really detract from the overall intent of the piece by their removal. The point I was trying to make is that there needs to be a balance between masculine and feminine, work and home, and that we need to be honest with ourselves and our partners about our true natures and desires so that we can find the people who fit us rather than continually looking for what we're "supposed" to like. I, as a femme identified lesbian prefer a butch who is "old-school" opens doors, buys the flowers, but that doesn't mean that butches who aren't that way aren't just as butch or just as acceptable as people. Nor are femmes who like to build things less femme or less acceptable as people.I think we all need to give ourselves the freedom to express ourselves as who we are, and to accept our own likes and dislikes without declaring them "bad" because they aren't socially acceptable, or sometimes even what a "nice" person would do.
Josie
6/26/2012 01:08:10 pm
I think one of the biggest mistakes anyone can make in a relationship is to pigeon hole a partner/spouse because it limits both people's ability to grow, change, and surprise. If there are such rigid rules about butch/femme, how is the relationship ever to survive when roles are put into such tight little boxes? If I had done that 17yrs ago, I wouldn't have been able to be surprised at what a kick-ass stay-at-home mom my butch partner is or I may have never known that I can be the sole financial provider for my family of five.
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Tj
1/17/2013 11:43:38 pm
I couldn't agree with you more!
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tracy
6/27/2012 12:41:50 am
I read this list as tongue in cheek, not serious, but maybe rigid in it's specific-ness. But such happens with someone is writing their opinion. I like/love butch women, because they are comfortable in who they are. I'm not overly femme, but I clean up nice, and as my girlfriend tells me, I'm more natural, then femme or butch. thanks for the list, as it spurred some interesting dialog.
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Kerri
6/27/2012 08:27:36 pm
What a brilliant post!! Sarah, I appreciate this so much and totally got the tongue-in-cheek humour. xKerri
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Highpriestess
6/28/2012 06:34:41 am
It's a very sad day when a butch says "and this is why I prefer dating low-maintenance butch women..." Okay, look, Sarah was illustrating her own point of view. There are many other high femmes, such as myself, who do not share all of the author's point of view. I do appreciate some of the points, but not others. I totally got the "tongue-in-cheek" humor though. I kill spiders for my very andro-butch girlfriend (yes, she is scared of spiders), and yes, I do ride a bad-ass sport bike, ride with the boys and I am a top 50% of the time (well, my girlfriend would argue it's more like 30% of the time, but hopefully she won't read this!) But it's pretty much 50/50 all the way for us. We both have jobs and make a lot of money, she is a homeowner, she is a drag king performer...all things that identify her as the butch? Well isn't that putting her in the butch box? My point being, there are many of us who are fluid with our gender identities, so to the butch that prefers the low maintenance butch to the femme because she thinks that all femmes think like the author, I say to you...we all don't think like that. Unless you are just simply attracted to other butches because of who they are, now that's a different story. I still liked certain aspects of the blog posting though, and very much enjoyed all the witty reparte of the comments below it!
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Amanda
6/29/2012 03:03:21 am
I love this post! My wife is my princess and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love making her smile and I love the fact that she relys on me for certain things but would also find it fun to change oil or get dirty right along with me.
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Jess
10/22/2015 09:04:40 pm
Me too I'm glad my fiancee expects me to certain things... I think the butchie thing that I have done for her is take care of the maggots that were in the outside trash can...if that doesn't say butch I do t know what else would it would stand for. I love helping her. I'm from the city and she from the rural. I have a fear of snakes...she isnt afraid of muchbexcept s ary movies or intense sci fi or psy hological thrillers. I love bei g the butchie and feel her gripn onto me during the scary parts of tbe movie or hold her at night in my arms. She can do a lot on her own but appreciates now that she doesn't have to do everything on her own now. I have to get carpal tunnel surgery and it's hard to lift stuff and she is so loving abut it. That's one of the things that in love about our butch femm relationship we interact outside the butch fem construct as life situations change. She loves me for who I am and I love her for who she is. Sarah ty for this post I always wondered if there are other princess fems like my woman lol. Some of what u said she agreed with when I read this to her especially crying part. I was raised as a kid to b tough like a dude and pick myself up. I do agree that showing feelings is a good thing u don't want her to think I'm like a guy all the time for the reasons u pointed out . Ty. U have a writing gift....so write on :)
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Sarah
6/30/2012 02:09:59 am
Lordy people. This has been taken far, far too seriously and too personally. I write with sarcastic hyperbole in a humorous post about general stereotypes in butch/femme relationships. To think that any one person could honestly behave as over the top as this list suggests means assumptions on the part of the reader that are not based in fact. Just because I humorously suggest that I am a high maintenance demanding femme does not make it so, however the stereotype of this type of person contains grains of truth and that is where I think the discomfort comes from on the part of most readers. I had no idea when I wrote this post and submitted it to be considered for guest spot that it would spark the controversy it has, nor did BW, I'm sure, or she would have rejected it. T
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American Scholar
6/30/2012 02:31:56 am
Sarah,
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Sarah
6/30/2012 03:20:28 am
@Scholar,
Sarah
6/30/2012 02:29:50 am
Lordy people, the only assumptions here have been made by readers. I am not gender biased or transphobic, high maintenance or even high femme. I am a middle of the road average independent femme with a sarcastic sense of humor about everything including myself. You can see that if you read my personal blog where I freely discuss my own baggage and personal issues in the same sarcastic self-deprecating manner. This list is hyperbole for effect and to ask me to write differently is asking me to be untrue to who I am and how I express myself as a writer. I had no idea when I submitted this post as a candidate for a guest spot that it would spark this kind of controversy, as I'm sure BW did not as well, or it would have been rejected. It's been taken far too seriously and far too personally Overexaggerated stereotypes are amusing because not only are they so far over the top that no one person could ever encompass them all but they also contain grains of truth. If we are mature enough to laugh at ourselves and our foibles we can embrace the people we are, whether that means being a butch afraid of spiders or a femme who likes to tinker with cars. The only part of this post intended to be taken as "my personal manifesto" is #5 in which I state that we all should be and embrace the people that we are and share them honestly with the people in our lives so that we can live our lives to the fullest with people who appreciate us for who we are.
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Bren
6/30/2012 09:09:04 am
You know I really don't get why everyone seems to take stuff written in blk & wht so personally? If you are from the country like I am there is a very big problem with this whole butch/fem thing. My experience is (and again MY experience) alot of the straight women around here have to go to work in the fields to help their straight husbands. But they also wear their hair cut very short, bibbed overalls/coveralls and they get called names such as Dykes. Do you think they like being called this, and a lot of these people calling them this are other gay women or straight men. Are all femmes suppose to wear femme clothing like Donna Reed in the 60's and then go help out the hubby on the ranch/farm? Don't think so! So why is it everyone is so upset over this blog. Do you think these straight femme's like being called Dyke/Butch or whatever just cause they have to work the fields and can't have a cushy job in an office. For me the writer of this blog was just expressing her own experiences and they were not targeted at any one gender butch or femme. It appears that if you are taking offense to this blog then you need to step back and look at yourself and your own identity. Quit hating on something that is someone else's experience. Would you hate so much if this writer was a famous person? Why do you think there are autobiography/biographies out there? If you want to read about someone else's experience then don't criticize them for it, why even bother with reading the book/article any way. So for now, STOP taking things so damn personal if it doesn't pertain to u then don't HATE on it.
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K-Chop
7/2/2012 05:46:23 pm
There has been a lot of good and/or in-depth discussion here, so although I was originally poised to write a full response, I don't find it necessary anymore. I know the original poster has responded in depth and is feeling more or less attacked. I don't want to attack her further, but I do want to explain my own response in case that is informational to her or anyone else.
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Alyx
7/3/2012 01:49:12 am
This post just made me smile, it is clearly meant to be tongue-in-cheek! Those who are taking offence clearly have issues they need to deal with and attacking someone you don’t even know simply for writing a humourous blog post isn’t the way to do it. If you are a butch who was offended by this post then maybe you need to ask yourself why, it’s just funny, it isn’t a personal attack on you! Thank you Sarah for addressing some valid issues in a humourous way... and for making me realise I’m probably quite a good catch :)
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E
7/9/2012 10:08:15 am
Coming late to the party, but I want to point out something about where you say butches tend to have jobs, then lose them & mooch off you.
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Sander
11/29/2012 12:50:18 am
need an advice from you Sarah and hope to read from you in my email. thanks
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8/25/2015 03:50:09 am
Your response was to give me some advice; Open to anything that may help me; Waiting to hear from you. I really am very open minded,
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bigbird247
1/9/2013 06:55:48 am
Sarah
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Role
1/17/2013 11:29:34 pm
What part do you play? *role*
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TJ
1/17/2013 11:28:15 pm
This sounds like more of a job advertisement. Sadly said, some so called femmes work, some don't, some clean, some don't, some work on cars, some don't, some who appear very masculine can't stand to get grease on their hands. I say, be yourself and attract to who you can riff with.
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TJ
1/17/2013 11:44:15 pm
We just hit 18 years together, happy as hell. When we were younger, everyone said I was butch but as we grew older together, she's put on weight so by appearance, people categorize her as butch, but she can't stand to get grease on her hands, lol.
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smh
1/21/2013 04:47:10 am
this is exactly why the lesbian community annoys me... everyone has to psychoanalyze things to DEATH! The article is funny, and I enjoyed reading it.
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Cassie
7/6/2013 04:07:53 am
This is obnoxious.
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TheBeat
8/12/2013 03:34:45 am
I laughed at some of the things. But I'm a butch that doesn't act way too manly or girly. I myself don't really like to see other butch who act too much like real dudes (I've seen a bunch of them in one place and they started fighting like dudes, that was a real mess). I think my gf of 2,5 years who is a femme doesn't really like butch that doesn't have any girly side at all. And she's just like you. She likes to be the one being the princess but at the same time she takes care of me very well too. And the important thing is, we are just being who we are to each other. No acting, no pressure on how we should do this or that.
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kiki
8/26/2013 01:12:25 am
She's confused and this makes me confused. There are men who will show you that sensitivity and there are aggressive femme women who will treat you like a. Princess and has her own make up if she prefers wearing it maybe she just likes gloss. How can you say you are a lesbian and you want someone who looks, walks and talks like a man. A true lesbian should enjoy the movement of a woman, the feel the comfort and protection. Yes this can be accomplished with a femme chick
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Catto
10/20/2013 02:44:24 pm
I don't find her intimidating. She is a femme or a stone femme. She just made me laugh because she just described the contradiction of many butches face in a relationship. I have been in a relationship for almost three years (longest) and almost one year for another one. As a soft stone butch, I secretly wonder which role I should take and how I should behave. Thanks for sharing your honest princess view. I wish you found your butch and so do I.
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EK
12/1/2013 10:07:48 pm
@Chrissy
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Sam
1/18/2014 04:50:03 pm
When I feel feminine, I am more quiet, observing, and scared. I feel like I need to be pretty, and speak intelligently. I Need to consistently work to keep my image desirable.
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Catto
2/9/2014 11:08:42 pm
I want to comment on the butch being a loser and keep losing jobs after they are in a steady relationship. I think it depends who you met. I am a soft butch and hate to not working. However, I hate to say this but I do keep losing job after I moved to canada. Is it because I am a butch looking woman and the management (males) like to pick me ? When the recruiters are women, they all likes me. Surviving in the job is not ez for butch even we have the will and ability to contribute to a company. Think of discrimination, princess. Now I am self employed as realtor. I can't accept being judged by management which are full of males and the stupid ones of course! Ha. Making six digit now ! Thanks to the stupid decisions !
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stacy
7/16/2014 11:27:46 am
Okay this might strike a nerve and honestly i am not here to make fans or friends.
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merrygoroundfemme
12/20/2014 06:12:19 am
I can't believe some of you folks are dissing this femme's post. All I can say is, you represented a convoluted minority who seem to be snuffing out butch-femme magic. She is simply speaking the truth about the elements that bring magic and joy to a butch-femme relationship (and from her own experience, though as a femme I'd have to agree with most of it). Butch and femme are genders: if the rest of you wish to have *other* kinds of sex (and lesbian sex) go for it, because there's plenty of room for everyone. But if people are looking for guidance re: what makes a butch or a femme turn the other on and have a stable but exciting relationship, take some of the femme words to heart. Femmes are still persecuted (both by queers and straight people alike) for their gender, and the butches posting here should be the first (chivalrous) ones to this femme's defense. Many of us are still drawn to this hard-to-find, inexplicable dynamic that turns us on when others don't. We love butches. And butches are also contradictions: they have chosen to embrace dualities, and that's part of what makes them so hot. They are rooted and strong in who they really are, feel it's their essence and has been from a young age, and aren't just doing it to please or impress someone else. It's not an act, but a gender. And unfortunately, because society also puts absurd pressures and prejudices on butches from a young age, they can easily get confused about what this all means, and learn how to abuse power instead of playing with it in delicious ways, or look to a femme for re-parenting instead of understanding how key that piece of working enough/not working too much actually is for a stable relationship (when one *can* work, as this femme said), and actually know that those sensitive, loving "feminine" qualities in a butch this femme is talking about don't in any way dampen the masculine qualities -- in fact, what's so awesome about a butch is that she can amplify *both* of those, bring *both* a higher degree of masculine and a higher degree of artful softness and generosity while utterly celebrating the femme's princess-ness. It's about how much bigger, bolder, and more loving that energy gets in the context of a butch-femme relationship, not about asking someone to suppress some part of herself.
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1/25/2016 09:04:34 am
I am in awe. You understand and convey how I feel better than I ever could. If I could find a like-minded femme, I'd be set.
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7/27/2015 12:50:14 pm
Damn. Are you single? Too bad you're in another state. Look, anyone around KC, I have boots specifically for cockroach killing, just took flowers to someone last Tuesday who didn't appreciate them, might take three times longer than the shop but I can change your oil, trustworthy, committed, I play police officer during the day and police officer at night, if you so choose!
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8/25/2015 03:56:09 am
I had many negative responses to my posting, I did not intend to sound so butch, Just trying to be honest and find what will make a happy.
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Bec
9/17/2015 10:57:15 pm
Rianimal Nailed it perfectly in her comment! Harsh? Yes, but someone needed to say it! Its exactly why I don't date femmes cuz their typical pillow princesses that don't fall under the lesbian spectrum in my opinion! Thr only reason they ain't with a guy is cuz most guys don't/like to put up with "those kinds" of sorry ass woman. I ain't even femme or butch and this piece of crap writing was redundant!
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Baby Doll
12/26/2015 10:52:41 am
Her intention was to express her opinion on what Butches tend to do wrong in Butch/femme relationships and give examples from her own experience.
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1/25/2016 08:58:24 am
I still want to know if Sandra is single and willing to relocate. I only have one issue with the "requirements" otherwise, this is the type of woman I'm looking for! You really can't dock someone for being emotional. I can handle all the butch jobs, I can stand up for my girl and I can jump into a fight and break it up but I am very sentimental. I treasure special moments. I like handwritten notes over Hallmark cards. I make note of anniversaries for every little thing (not that I celebrate them or even remember them the next year but they are noted). All of these little sentimental actions and memories lead to emotions whether sad or happy.
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Mo_Solo Stud
5/10/2019 11:31:13 pm
I am a stud who has dated many women and the two women I thought I was going to be with forever and I was convinced loved me ended up tearing me completely apart. They said all the same shit to me I started off casual and detached then they wanted me to express my emotions, little by little as they kept convincing me they cared, would understand my pain/past/etc., and they said over and over again how much they loved me and wanted to be with me I fell for their lies all bullshit and I told them all of my stories all of my truths my nightmares fears past pain family disappointments everything and they used everything I told them in confidence against me, completely shit down from me emotionally, lost all respect for me and just ripped my heart out which spun me into deeper depression and pain. Both these women had me convinced that they loved me that they cared about me that I could trust them and they betrayed me in every single way and just laughed about the pain they caused me and laughed about while jumping into relationships right after which proved they both cheated on me too. So for being a real person who trusted them and fell in love with them who spoiled them paid for every date drove across state and town lines to see them both I killed all of the bugs I lifted everything heavy I am strong and human I felt their pain and I listened and cared I was there for them no matter what and there were a million reasons to leave them and end it, while I did any and everything they could've wanted including protection and providing everything from money to dates to gifts to more in addition to my real love care trust all of the above for me being so good to them I got played used disrespected abused betrayed and I was left by both after they cheated on me and they told me how horrible I was in their eyes how I deserved the pain they caused me and what I went through and that I deserve to be alone! THEY HAD NOTHING BEFORE ME! THEY HAD NOBODY BEFORE ME! THEY WERE NOBODY BEFORE ME! THEY SAID THEY WANTED LOVE CARE TRUST EVERYTHING YOU FUCKING FEMMES LIE ABOUT AND SAY AND I GAVE THEM ALL THEY COULD ASK FOR AND MORE AND BECAUSE I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE I'M HUMAN TOO, LIKE I'M A FEMALE TOO, LIKE I MATTER TOO THAT WAS THE FUCKING ISSUE?! YOU FEMMES ARE SO FUCKING ONE SIDED FILLED WITH DOUBLE STANDARDS AND ITS BULLSHIT! YOU DEMAND EVERYTHING FROM US EVERYTHING AND OUR ONLY BENEFIT FROM YOU ALL SHOULD BE YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE AND FUCK US?! NO! YOU SHOULDN'T ASK FOR NOR EXPECT ANYTHING YOU WILL NOT BE WILLING AND ABLE TO DO FOR US YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN US AND IF IT WASNT FOR US STUDS YOU WOULD BE STUCK ARGUING WITH YOUR SISTERS OR CONSTANTLY BEING ABUSED CHEATED ON AND LIED TO BY THE SAME MEN YOU DON'T WANT US TO ACT TOO MUCH LIKE! YOU FEMMES DON'T VALUE US STUDS AND YOU FEEL ENTITLED! YOU'RE NOT ENTITLED YOU HAVE TO EARN OUR LOVE RESPECT CARE AND TRUST TOO! A FINE BODY AND A PRETTY FACE DON'T MEAN SHIT WHEN YOU'RE LIVING BREATHING SCUM ON THE INSIDE WILLING TO TEAR SOMEONE'S HEART AND LIFE APART TO FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS! MY EXES GOT ME BROKE UNEMPLOYED HOMELESS ALIENATED FROM MY FAMILY ALIENATED FROM MY FRIENDS AGGRAVATED STRESSED FILLED WITH MAJOR TRUST ISSUES WORSE THAN EVER AND ENDLESSLY VULNERABLE UNDER ALL THEIR LIES JUST TO LEAVE ME WHILE SHITTING ALL OVER MY NAME AND LEAVING MY LIFE AS THE MESS THEY MADE IT! I PAID FOR EVERYTHING I PROVIDED EVERYTHING I DID EVERYTHING I SAID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS I WAS ALWAYS THEIR I CARED I DEVOTED MYSELF TO THEM I PLANNED FOR MARRIAGE AND KIDS AND THEY WERE PLAYING ME THE WHOLE TIME LYING TO ME AND FUCKED UP MY HEART AND MY HEAD TO THE POINT I LOOK AT WOMEN NOW AND I'M JUST ANGRY, I AM FILLED WITH RAGE! MY OWN GENDER DOING ME SO WRONG WHEN I WAS SO RIGHT AND GOOD TO THEM, WHAT IS YOUR EXPLANATION FOR THIS?! I WAS TOO GOOD FOR THEM WAY BETTER THAN THEY EVER DESERVED AND FOR THAT I GET USED LIKE A TAMPON AND THROWN IN THE TRASH TO THEN BE CALLED NOTHING BUT THE WORST?! HOW CAN THEY GET AWAY WITH THIS?! HOW IS IT FAIR FOR ME TO HAVE MY LIFE DESTROYED LIKE THIS JUST TO FIX IT ALL BY MYSELF?! HOW COULD WOMEN MY OWN GENDER BE SO COLD SO INHUMANE AND JUST MOVE ON LIKE I WAS BAD TO THEM?! SOMEBODY REAL TALK TO ME I WANT TO READ SENSIBLE RESPONSES, THIS IS REAL LIFE NOT NO DAMN SCRIPT AND THIS IS WHERE I'M STILL STUCK AFTER ALL THE SHIT THOSE TWO CUNTS PUT ME THROUGH I AM STUCK CLEANING UP THE SHAMBLES THEY LEFT MY LIFE IN! EVERYTHING I DID FOR THEM THEY NEVER DID FOR ME, PLEASE WOMEN TO ALL OF THE REAL WOMEN OUT THERE STUDS AND FEMMES TALK TO ME THEY NEVER EXPLAINED WHY THEY TREATED ME LIKE SHIT THEY LEFT ME IN THE DARK AFTER ALL THE SHIT THEY DID TO MY LIFE, PLEASE SOMEBODY REPLY WITH CARE WITH HUMANITY: HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TWICE IN A ROW, ONE RIGHT AFTER THE OTHER???
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Lee
11/13/2021 11:43:42 am
I almost always agree with a femme because I love girlie girls, but I act like a man mostly, but then I am stone butch. I happen to agree with you honey.
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