This post was written by Alison C. K. Fogarty, who blogs for Good Vibrations and is a PhD student in sociology! Check out her website here.
I’m a 28-year-old bisexual femme living in San Francisco. I had my first sexual experiences with women in college, and while I enjoyed them, I was hesitant to identify as bisexual because these hookups occurred with men present. Involving men in the sexual events provided both me and my female partners the opportunity to explore our attractions to each other in a heteronormative context, which felt safer and less intimidating, but also somehow had me feel like it delegitimized my desire for women. I was also confused because, at that point in my life, I didn’t want a relationship with a woman and so I felt like I'd be a fraud if I identified as bi. My last year of college, I entered a long-term monogamous heterosexual relationship and shelved my confusing feelings for women for a while. After college, I entered a PhD program in sociology to study gender and sexuality. While preparing to teach an undergrad class on LGBT identities and expressions a few years in, I came across an article called "Two Many and Not Enough: The Meaning of Bisexual Identities" by Paula Rust. Rust argues that it's not experience that defines a bisexual identity, and that you don't have to be equally attracted to men and women to be bi, nor do you have to want the same kinds of relationships with each. It was while reading this article that I came to fully accept and own my identity as a bisexual. While I had come out to myself, it wasn’t until my relationship ended a year later that I finally came out to others and looked to find a place for myself in the queer community--a community to whom I was already a long-time ally and advocate. (I realize that there is not one queer community, but I am resisting the pressure to further divide and exclude.) Finding acceptance in this community has proved a difficult process, and three years later, I'm still struggling. I attribute my exclusion to three dynamics, which I detail below. 1. Distrust of Femme Appearance At worst, my femme appearance can cause my queer brothers, sisters, and others to associate me with those who have judged, shamed, and bullied them. At best, I am assumed to be an obliviously privileged heteronormative ally who could never fully understand the hardships of the queer community. It is true that my ability to pass as a "normal" straight woman affords me many privileges in our society. My passability, however, also means that I often am denied access to the queer spaces I so desperately seek. Common experiences of social exclusion are the bonding adhesive of the queer community. Ironically, my inexperience with exclusion from heteronormative society means I am often excluded from the queer community. A few weekends ago I went to SF Pride, and spent Saturday afternoon blanket-hopping from friend group to friend group in Dolores Park. When I met up with a female lover, I felt like several of her lesbian and trans friends viewed me with skepticism and mistrust, as if I was an outsider infiltrating their space. Of course, it's impossible to tell how much of my fear of being excluded colors my experience (and may even create a self-fulfilling prophecy!). Regardless, I can objectively state that I was not invited into many conversations or invited to join them in their evening Pride plans. On a day when we are supposed to celebrate love and our pride for our queerness and our community, I felt excluded, and that hurt. 2. Bisexual Femme Invisibility and Delegitimization My invisibility as a bisexual is another force that excludes me from the queer community. As a bisexual femme, I am almost always assumed to be heterosexual. When I’m out with a guy, even if he’s just a friend, I am assumed to be straight. When I’m out with a girl, I’m assumed to be straight. Even if I’m making out in public with a girl, I’m often assumed to be a slutty straight girl. It is very difficult to feel like a part of the queer community when no one knows I’m queer. I often feel like I need to shout it from the rooftops wearing my "I’m queer. Yes, seriously." T-shirt. I end up coming out over and over again, usually facing people who doubt the legitimacy of my sexual identity. Even my mom, a liberal psychologist without a homophobic bone in her body, told me that she thought I wanted to be bisexual because I thought it was "cool." Biphobia, while often unacknowledged, is rampant. I know several closeted bi women who publicly identify as lesbians because they don’t want to face exclusion and ridicule from their lesbian friends. The sexuality of those who identify as "straight" and "gay" is polarized to tail ends of the spectrum as bisexual behavior is effectively policed with shame by both communities. This delegitimization of bisexuality further conceals our presence in the queer community and contributes to my feelings of being excluded. 3. My Femme-Femme Relationship Preference One last, depressingly oppressive barrier to inclusion in the queer community is my desire for femme-femme relationships. It is very difficult to find other femmes who want to date femmes, and gender dynamics have often proved difficult to navigate. My attraction to femmes is on a physical level, not necessarily on a behavioral or personality level. I want a partner who enjoys playing with the gender spectrum, sometimes taking a more submissive "bottom" role and sometimes taking a more dominant "top" role, but most often taking neither. I recently joined OKCupid in hopes of finding a femme partner, and my experiences have not been successful. Many butch women have contacted me, and although I love their attention and the feeling of actually being seen as queer, I have not been sexually interested in them. Many women in relationships with men have messaged me, hoping that I would join them in a kinky triad, but again I am not interested. Not one femme has initiated contact with me. So I’ve scoured the site for potential partners, vulnerably sending messages in hopes of a possible connection. Out of the many women I’ve contacted, few responded. Some told me they were looking for a more butch partner, another said she wanted to be the "only queen" in the relationship, and a few said they were open to being sexual with another femme, but did not want to date one. Only one femme was willing to meet, but after she flaked on our plans twice, I gave up. I have had such difficulty finding a femme partner, and my lack of experience contributes to my inability to access the queer community. This exclusion serves to only increase the difficulty I experience finding a femme partner, thus creating a cycle of increasing exclusion. I decided to share my coming out story and my painful experiences of exclusion because I am committed to raising awareness and sparking dialogue around the challenges queers face in finding acceptance within our own community. Now I have some questions for BW readers:
Although I realize my experience and these questions may be triggering for you, I don't intend for anyone to feel defensive or alienated. Rather, I hope this trigger will generate conversations around this important issue that will ultimately serve to positively impact and strengthen our community.
21 Comments
K
7/18/2012 02:06:34 am
Awesome post. Thank you! I'll be continuing to think about this in the days and weeks to come. I really loved the perspective from which you wrote this: informed by your own experiences, free of harmful assumptions, and yet very forceful and assertive.
Reply
So glad to see a post on Bisexuality (and a very intelligent and personal one too)!!
Reply
This post eloquently and intelligently outlines so much of what I feel, and have felt. I've written before at my frustrations about being bisexual (http://bit.ly/MKPoeA - password is bisexual) before, and it's something which is definitely not helped by lesbian friends using terms like 'greedy' and 'dirty half-and-half' - even if they are joking.
Reply
Scout
7/19/2012 01:32:47 pm
Great post. I totally identify with this. I have been out as a bi-sexual since I was 14 (I'm now 40). I am super femmy and have felt like an outsider in the queer community for pretty much that entire time. ( It doesn't help matters that I do not like the indigo girls and I like to wear makeup on a regular basis.)
Reply
Tanner
7/19/2012 10:58:14 pm
Bi will me more excepted with other Bi.....it is very hard for myself to understand how you can hold her hand tonight and his tomorrow night and think everyone should be ok with it.....
Reply
Scout
7/19/2012 11:46:40 pm
Bi doesn't mean slutty. I'm completely monogomous with my female partner. Bi just means you are attracted to people of either gender.
Reply
Tanner
7/20/2012 12:29:34 am
Didnt say it means slutty.....I have a great friend that is sitting in jail waiting trial for murder because of the bi situation. Guy beat her up. She shot him and he died. The bi girl now has new boyfriend and does come to see girl in jail.
Elliot
7/20/2012 03:27:06 am
I wonder if the dynamics you discuss vary by region, or if it's a matter of us both noticing the instances where we can't have what we want more than the situations where we are desired by the people we desire for ourselves. I've had the opposite experience on okcupid-- reading to the end of the profiles of the (femme) girls I would be interested in and finding disclaimers like "no butch girls please" or "message me if: the only flannel you own is fitted and you can rock a pair of heels" (these are near-direct quotes).
Reply
Tanner
7/20/2012 05:58:46 am
I think the writer of the 3 strikes looks straight and certainly sounds straight.....not her striking beauty and lace that gets her excluded.
Reply
Jordan
7/21/2012 02:48:04 am
Wow, Tanner! Your comments are so intelligent and full of insight! Perhaps you should start a blog so you can share your wisdom with the world?!
Reply
7/21/2012 04:21:00 am
That strikes me as so unfair! What do you mean "sounds straight?" Aren't you just typifying the same kinds of inside-the-box thinking that make her feel so excluded??
Reply
Vic
7/20/2012 08:51:36 am
Well dear writer it is not so much that you are Bi-sexual as much as it is that in the queer community there is a lot of role playing or butch / femme dynamics. I am boi who loves boi's I find it very sexy when boi's are together. Unfortunately femme on femme tends to remind the majority of us of Straight Porn. I think that is where maybe the judgement comes through. You should not have to change your appearence nor preferrence in order to fit in; humm sound familar? Have confidence in yourself and who you are and what you want out of life and the right people will see that. The others are just as bad as our straight community that does not accept who we are... no difference.
Reply
dee
7/21/2012 01:41:38 am
I enjoyed reading your post Alison. I'm sorry for your experience of exclusion. My experience of the queer community and coming out was of suddenly seeing myself reflected others. I just "knew" I belonged. You describe a feeling of being on the outside looking in - of wanting to belong and not fitting in. I appreciate that you feel unseen, ignored & marginalized. I'm sorry. I have bi-friends, and I think that 20 years ago when we were all coming out, they said many of the things that you're saying now. That's a sorry state of affairs.
Reply
7/22/2012 12:36:25 pm
This is just my theory on why there is a general "fear" of Bi people, at least in the case of dating.
Reply
TeaBea
10/27/2012 01:49:01 pm
I hear that a lot about dating bisexual people--the fear that they'll leave you for someone who can offer them something you can't. True fact, though: that happens all the time between people of all orientations and identities. There are all kinds of things that people with all kinds of parts can offer any given person that I might not be able to offer; this isn't limited to penis and vagina. If my partner were looking for, say, a really enthusiastic football-watching companion, he could sure as hell find that with any number of people who aren't me. If he wanted to date someone who is tall, or who has small breasts, or who speaks French, or who tends to be reserved and quiet in her mannerisms, or someone of some race other than utterly, ghastly white, or someone religious, or someone who grew up in the same area of the country he did, or someone with six toes on each foot--someone who is any number of things I'm not--I'd be out of luck. And if he wanted to date someone with a penis, I'd be out of luck as well.
Reply
Bianca
7/28/2012 11:35:03 am
Sometimes a disarming sense of humor helps with the internet relationship attempts. Also, when meeting new people, be funny. Acknowledge the (lesbian-invented?) stereotype of the bisexual-femme-who-likes-femmes. Make a joke about it, and simultaneously combat the grim-gender-studies-student stereotype. And if you wish femmes were willing to give another femme a try, when butches are, sexually, their interest, consider modeling some of the flexibility you advocate. My experience is that women, generally, are pretty choosy and need to be charmed, regardless of their appearance.
Reply
TJ
8/26/2012 11:03:49 am
This is an interesting post. I write as someone who is still struggling with the question of identity as I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm not really straight as I'd always thought myself to be. I have always and will always be attracted to men but the reality is that I can be attracted to women as well. Figuring this out in your 30s is a really big "duh" moment and I still don't know what to do about it.
Reply
Jane K
9/7/2012 01:34:46 pm
thanks for sharing!
Reply
TeaBea
10/27/2012 02:14:06 pm
Fantastic post. I have had very similar experiences as a (generally) femme 28-year-old bisexual/queer woman in SF. (Maybe we've run into each other standing around awkwardly at The Lex! Keep an eye out for the redhead looking uncomfortable next time you gear yourself up to give stopping by a shot--that'll be me.) I can't personally speak as much to your point about femme-femme relationships, but the other two hit home something fierce.
Reply
TeaBea
10/27/2012 02:14:15 pm
Fantastic post. I have had very similar experiences as a (generally) femme 28-year-old bisexual/queer woman in SF. (Maybe we've run into each other standing around awkwardly at The Lex! Keep an eye out for the redhead looking uncomfortable next time you gear yourself up to give stopping by a shot--that'll be me.) I can't personally speak as much to your point about femme-femme relationships, but the other two hit home something fierce.
Reply
Fantastic post. I have had very similar experiences as a (generally) femme 28-year-old bisexual/queer woman in SF. (Maybe we've run into each other standing around awkwardly at The Lex! Keep an eye out for the redhead looking uncomfortable next time you gear yourself up to give stopping by a shot--that'll be me.) I can't personally speak as much to your point about femme-femme relationships, but the other two hit home something fierce.
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
|