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Guest Post #7: Three Strikes, You’re Out: Exclusion from the Queer Community

7/17/2012

21 Comments

 
This post was written by Alison C. K. Fogarty, who blogs for Good Vibrations and is a PhD student in sociology!  Check out her website here.

I’m a 28-year-old bisexual femme living in San Francisco.   I had my first sexual experiences with women in college, and while I enjoyed them, I was hesitant to identify as bisexual because these hookups occurred with men present.  Involving men in the sexual events provided both me and my female partners the opportunity to explore our attractions to each other in a heteronormative context, which felt safer and less intimidating, but also somehow had me feel like it delegitimized my desire for women.  I was also confused because, at that point in my life, I didn’t want a relationship with a woman and so I felt like I'd be a fraud if I identified as bi. 

My last year of college, I entered a long-term monogamous heterosexual relationship and shelved my confusing feelings for women for a while.  After college, I entered a PhD program in sociology to study gender and sexuality.  While preparing to teach an undergrad class on LGBT identities and expressions a few years in, I came across an article called "Two Many and Not Enough: The Meaning of Bisexual Identities" by Paula Rust.  Rust argues that it's not experience that defines a bisexual identity, and that you don't have to be equally attracted to men and women to be bi, nor do you have to want the same kinds of relationships with each.  It was while reading this article that I came to fully accept and own my identity as a bisexual. 

While I had come out to myself, it wasn’t until my relationship ended a year later that I finally came out to others and looked to find a place for myself in the queer community--a community to whom I was already a long-time ally and advocate.  (I realize that there is not one queer community, but I am resisting the pressure to further divide and exclude.)  Finding acceptance in this community has proved a difficult process, and three years later, I'm still struggling.  I attribute my exclusion to three dynamics, which I detail below.

1. Distrust of Femme Appearance

At worst, my femme appearance can cause my queer brothers, sisters, and others to associate me with those who have judged, shamed, and bullied them.  At best, I am assumed to be an obliviously privileged heteronormative ally who could never fully understand the hardships of the queer community.  It is true that my ability to pass as a "normal" straight woman affords me many privileges in our society.  My passability, however, also means that I often am denied access to the queer spaces I so desperately seek.   Common experiences of social exclusion are the bonding adhesive of the queer community.  Ironically, my inexperience with exclusion from heteronormative society means I am often excluded from the queer community. 

A few weekends ago I went to SF Pride, and spent Saturday afternoon blanket-hopping from friend group to friend group in Dolores Park.  When I met up with a female lover, I felt like several of her lesbian and trans friends viewed me with skepticism and mistrust, as if I was an outsider infiltrating their space.  Of course, it's impossible to tell how much of my fear of being excluded colors my experience (and may even create a self-fulfilling prophecy!).  Regardless, I can objectively state that I was not invited into many conversations or invited to join them in their evening Pride plans.  On a day when we are supposed to celebrate love and our pride for our queerness and our community, I felt excluded, and that hurt.

2. Bisexual Femme Invisibility and Delegitimization

My invisibility as a bisexual is another force that excludes me from the queer community.  As a bisexual femme, I am almost always assumed to be heterosexual.  When I’m out with a guy, even if he’s just a friend, I am assumed to be straight.  When I’m out with a girl, I’m assumed to be straight.  Even if I’m making out in public with a girl, I’m often assumed to be a slutty straight girl.  It is very difficult to feel like a part of the queer community when no one knows I’m queer.  I often feel like I need to shout it from the rooftops wearing my "I’m queer.  Yes, seriously."  T-shirt. 

I end up coming out over and over again, usually facing people who doubt the legitimacy of my sexual identity.  Even my mom, a liberal psychologist without a homophobic bone in her body, told me that she thought I wanted to be bisexual because I thought it was "cool."  Biphobia, while often unacknowledged, is rampant.  I know several closeted bi women who publicly identify as lesbians because they don’t want to face exclusion and ridicule from their lesbian friends.  The sexuality of those who identify as "straight" and "gay" is polarized to tail ends of the spectrum as bisexual behavior is effectively policed with shame by both communities.  This delegitimization of bisexuality further conceals our presence in the queer community and contributes to my feelings of being excluded. 

3. My Femme-Femme Relationship Preference

One last, depressingly oppressive barrier to inclusion in the queer community is my desire for femme-femme relationships.  It is very difficult to find other femmes who want to date femmes, and gender dynamics have often proved difficult to navigate.   My attraction to femmes is on a physical level, not necessarily on a behavioral or personality level.  I want a partner who enjoys playing with the gender spectrum, sometimes taking a more submissive "bottom" role and sometimes taking a more dominant "top" role, but most often taking neither. 

I recently joined OKCupid in hopes of finding a femme partner, and my experiences have not been successful.  Many butch women have contacted me, and although I love their attention and the feeling of actually being seen as queer, I have not been sexually interested in them.  Many women in relationships with men have messaged me, hoping that I would join them in a kinky triad, but again I am not interested.  Not one femme has initiated contact with me.   So I’ve scoured the site for potential partners, vulnerably sending messages in hopes of a possible connection.  Out of the many women I’ve contacted, few responded.  Some told me they were looking for a more butch partner, another said she wanted to be the "only queen" in the relationship, and a few said they were open to being sexual with another femme, but did not want to date one.  Only one femme was willing to meet, but after she flaked on our plans twice, I gave up.  I have had such difficulty finding a femme partner, and my lack of experience contributes to my inability to access the queer community.  This exclusion serves to only increase the difficulty I experience finding a femme partner, thus creating a cycle of increasing exclusion.

I decided to share my coming out story and my painful experiences of exclusion because I am committed to raising awareness and sparking dialogue around the challenges queers face in finding acceptance within our own community.  Now I have some questions for BW readers:
  • Have you ever felt excluded as a result of your gender presentation or sexual preferences? 
  • How do other identities, such as race and class, also serve as barriers to inclusion in the queer community?
  • Have you ever policed boundaries, segmenting the queer community in a way that excludes members of our queer family?
  • Are you willing to consider the ways in which you may have perpetrated the same intolerance you’ve experienced in your life?

Although I realize my experience and these questions may be triggering for you, I don't intend for anyone to feel defensive or alienated.  Rather, I hope this trigger will generate conversations around this important issue that will ultimately serve to positively impact and strengthen our community.

21 Comments
K
7/18/2012 02:06:34 am

Awesome post. Thank you! I'll be continuing to think about this in the days and weeks to come. I really loved the perspective from which you wrote this: informed by your own experiences, free of harmful assumptions, and yet very forceful and assertive.

Reply
Daisy link
7/18/2012 04:42:23 am

So glad to see a post on Bisexuality (and a very intelligent and personal one too)!!
I feel excluded from any Queer community I might want to be a part of because I am married to a man and am raising children. I have chosen to stay married even though I consider myself lesbian. I have fought through 3 years of coming out- actively avoiding the identity of bisexual because- like was pointed out here- it's policed with such shame and anger from both straight and gay "sides". I would love to find a place in the Queer community- feel that comaraderie and sense of belonging. I don't feel like I belong in the straight world and I am eyed with suspicion or am just plain invisible in the queer world. I love to read butch blogs because often it is the only connection I feel between my authentic self and the gay community. It helps me feel not so alone in all this.

Thank you, Alison, for sharing your experiences and your work to raise awareness. It is appreciated.
Awesome post.

Reply
Carley link
7/18/2012 07:08:42 pm

This post eloquently and intelligently outlines so much of what I feel, and have felt. I've written before at my frustrations about being bisexual (http://bit.ly/MKPoeA - password is bisexual) before, and it's something which is definitely not helped by lesbian friends using terms like 'greedy' and 'dirty half-and-half' - even if they are joking.

I really am grateful of someone writing about how hard it can be to be bisexual, to be femme and to like femmes. Whenever I've tried to discuss this with other members of the queer community I've usually just be told to stop complaining because I have it so much better than some members of the queer community just because I can pass as straight. The thing is, I don't dress / identify this way to pass as straight - I do it because this is how I'm comfortable, this is who I am.

Alison, would love to hear more about your research and experiences. Feel free to contact me via email if you have time! (cmariehollis @ gmail . com)

Carley

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Scout
7/19/2012 01:32:47 pm

Great post. I totally identify with this. I have been out as a bi-sexual since I was 14 (I'm now 40). I am super femmy and have felt like an outsider in the queer community for pretty much that entire time. ( It doesn't help matters that I do not like the indigo girls and I like to wear makeup on a regular basis.)

I am currently in a relationship with a woman who is more towards the butch end of the spectrum. I never had success with femme women. Most of the ones that I met that allegedly were bisexual really seemed to be straight and just wanted to play bisexual in front of some guy they were trying to cock-tease. It was very frustrating for me.

It is kind of lonely for me sometimes, even though I do have a lot of queer friends. I guess I just feel like I never quite fit in.

Reply
Tanner
7/19/2012 10:58:14 pm

Bi will me more excepted with other Bi.....it is very hard for myself to understand how you can hold her hand tonight and his tomorrow night and think everyone should be ok with it.....
I would find it hard to trust you too...This situation can cause for someone to get hurt physically and it will usually be the butch woman, you are not attracted to, trying to defend you.

Reply
Scout
7/19/2012 11:46:40 pm

Bi doesn't mean slutty. I'm completely monogomous with my female partner. Bi just means you are attracted to people of either gender.

Reply
Tanner
7/20/2012 12:29:34 am

Didnt say it means slutty.....I have a great friend that is sitting in jail waiting trial for murder because of the bi situation. Guy beat her up. She shot him and he died. The bi girl now has new boyfriend and does come to see girl in jail.
I also think the post was very pleased with herself and her fem wear.....Lots of fems and butch are hot to look at and to touch.....It has nothing to do with her looks for not being excepted......Believe it or not......The full gay world has very exciting beautiful people that looks great dressed up or down....She needs to quit patting herself on the back....I am a fem and she makes me want to vomit.

Elliot
7/20/2012 03:27:06 am

I wonder if the dynamics you discuss vary by region, or if it's a matter of us both noticing the instances where we can't have what we want more than the situations where we are desired by the people we desire for ourselves. I've had the opposite experience on okcupid-- reading to the end of the profiles of the (femme) girls I would be interested in and finding disclaimers like "no butch girls please" or "message me if: the only flannel you own is fitted and you can rock a pair of heels" (these are near-direct quotes).

Where I live (at least as a middle class, overeducated white female) I think a lot of girls see butch-femme as an outdated, restrictive dynamic, and butch women as overall not very attractive.

(As a sidenote, I did eventually meet someone on okc who, after an initial adjustment period that was a little rough on both of us, seems to fully accept me "as is." I hope you also find what you want, on okcupid or wherever else.)

I can't really answer your questions because, despite being the sort of person who would be more visibly identifiable as queer in the communities you are trying to negotiate, I live in a rural/suburban area and am not really part of any queer community at all. I haven't had the opportunity to exclude and police-- but I hope when I do have the opportunity to be a part of some kind of community I will use that opportunity to accept and refrain from passing judgment instead.

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Tanner
7/20/2012 05:58:46 am

I think the writer of the 3 strikes looks straight and certainly sounds straight.....not her striking beauty and lace that gets her excluded.

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Jordan
7/21/2012 02:48:04 am

Wow, Tanner! Your comments are so intelligent and full of insight! Perhaps you should start a blog so you can share your wisdom with the world?!

Reply
Butch Wonders link
7/21/2012 04:21:00 am

That strikes me as so unfair! What do you mean "sounds straight?" Aren't you just typifying the same kinds of inside-the-box thinking that make her feel so excluded??

Reply
Vic
7/20/2012 08:51:36 am

Well dear writer it is not so much that you are Bi-sexual as much as it is that in the queer community there is a lot of role playing or butch / femme dynamics. I am boi who loves boi's I find it very sexy when boi's are together. Unfortunately femme on femme tends to remind the majority of us of Straight Porn. I think that is where maybe the judgement comes through. You should not have to change your appearence nor preferrence in order to fit in; humm sound familar? Have confidence in yourself and who you are and what you want out of life and the right people will see that. The others are just as bad as our straight community that does not accept who we are... no difference.

Reply
dee
7/21/2012 01:41:38 am

I enjoyed reading your post Alison. I'm sorry for your experience of exclusion. My experience of the queer community and coming out was of suddenly seeing myself reflected others. I just "knew" I belonged. You describe a feeling of being on the outside looking in - of wanting to belong and not fitting in. I appreciate that you feel unseen, ignored & marginalized. I'm sorry. I have bi-friends, and I think that 20 years ago when we were all coming out, they said many of the things that you're saying now. That's a sorry state of affairs.

As for the femme-femme dynamic, I see couples like that everywhere - but most often when I visit large metro areas like NYC, LA and SF. I have to agree with Elliott that in many communities butches are marginalized & considered old-school (not in mine, thank goodness).

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Nina Potts link
7/22/2012 12:36:25 pm

This is just my theory on why there is a general "fear" of Bi people, at least in the case of dating.

Situation: You meet someone, and you like them. Maybe they're a little jealous and worry, as happens sometimes in any stage of dating/relationship. You are comfortable being Bi. Does not matter what that other person is. By being attracted to a variety of genders, you widen the pool of potential partners. This can make dating difficult, as someone might worry that since you have so many choices, you have more options to leave, to cheat, to have a different relationship with someone else that you never had with them. I hope I'm not being to broad ranged here.

You can also add in any social or personal stigma the potential partner might attach to you leaving them for someone of a different gender. In the "what went wrong" part of a relationship ending, finding out that you aren't what someone wants can be emotionally devastating. And socially embarrassing. Think of the stigma men face if their wife leaves them for a woman. The abject horror any lesbian I know has of if her girlfriend were to leave her for a man.

Lastly, you get to mix in a big dose of gendernorm scare tactics to try to get people coupled up in the order that makes everyone around them the most comfortable.

These are just theories, open for discussion.

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TeaBea
10/27/2012 01:49:01 pm

I hear that a lot about dating bisexual people--the fear that they'll leave you for someone who can offer them something you can't. True fact, though: that happens all the time between people of all orientations and identities. There are all kinds of things that people with all kinds of parts can offer any given person that I might not be able to offer; this isn't limited to penis and vagina. If my partner were looking for, say, a really enthusiastic football-watching companion, he could sure as hell find that with any number of people who aren't me. If he wanted to date someone who is tall, or who has small breasts, or who speaks French, or who tends to be reserved and quiet in her mannerisms, or someone of some race other than utterly, ghastly white, or someone religious, or someone who grew up in the same area of the country he did, or someone with six toes on each foot--someone who is any number of things I'm not--I'd be out of luck. And if he wanted to date someone with a penis, I'd be out of luck as well.

I have never, ever known a person who identified as--well, as any identity at all--who really operated that way: needing penis when in relationships with non-penis-bearing people or needing vagina when in relationships with non-vagina-bearing people. That's just not how it works, and I don't get why the fear of being left for someone else who has something you don't is so often a fear pinned specifically on bisexuals and bisexuality. Finding out that you aren't what someone wants is indeed emotionally devastating, but that's what happens every single time some party in a relationship wants to continue the relationship and another party does not. This is not a thing that's unique to dating bisexual people. Any time someone ends a relationship with someone else, it is because remaining in that relationship with that person is no longer what they want, for whatever reason.

We are really not different from the rest of you. We are attracted to people, and people are attracted to us, and we have all variety of relationships with those people, and those relationships go all variety of different ways. I don't get what's difficult to grasp about that, and it seems really, really difficult for a lot of people to grasp.

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Bianca
7/28/2012 11:35:03 am

Sometimes a disarming sense of humor helps with the internet relationship attempts. Also, when meeting new people, be funny. Acknowledge the (lesbian-invented?) stereotype of the bisexual-femme-who-likes-femmes. Make a joke about it, and simultaneously combat the grim-gender-studies-student stereotype. And if you wish femmes were willing to give another femme a try, when butches are, sexually, their interest, consider modeling some of the flexibility you advocate. My experience is that women, generally, are pretty choosy and need to be charmed, regardless of their appearance.

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TJ
8/26/2012 11:03:49 am

This is an interesting post. I write as someone who is still struggling with the question of identity as I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm not really straight as I'd always thought myself to be. I have always and will always be attracted to men but the reality is that I can be attracted to women as well. Figuring this out in your 30s is a really big "duh" moment and I still don't know what to do about it.

I am very reluctant to publicly identify as bisexual for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the "policing" and mistrust that goes on on both ends of the sexual orientation spectrum and the assumption that you are simply a straight chick following a fad. I too held certain misconceptions about what bisexuality was that caused me not to feel that I fit. The label still doesn't seem quite right to me but I can see that the term can apply to a broader swathe of behaviors and preferences than I'd previously thought.

I have only discussed these revelations in depth with a couple of close friends. I have not publicly identified with the queer community other than as a friend and ally precisely because I fear the type of "othering" that you seem to be experiencing. I'd like to branch out an begin to explore a bit but I can't shake the feeling that my being socialized to my fairly advanced age "culturally straight" will mark me as a perennial outsider and that I might not be able to manage the learning curve of fitting into queer environments.

I'm very reluctant to indicate interest in women for fear that I'll be seen as a casual experimenter looking to toy with them. If I'd figured this out in college, I'd imagine it would be different but at my age I just don't see too many women (particularly those with long-standing, developed lesbian identities) jumping in line to be my "first."

So yeah... I totally see where you're coming from with this though I can't really answer your questions from direct experience. I have enough experience with both sides of the coin to know that for me, like a lot of other people who aren't on one pole or the other, coming out of the closet can be a tricky business that basically involves getting kicked in the ass both coming and going.

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Jane K
9/7/2012 01:34:46 pm

thanks for sharing!

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TeaBea
10/27/2012 02:14:06 pm

Fantastic post. I have had very similar experiences as a (generally) femme 28-year-old bisexual/queer woman in SF. (Maybe we've run into each other standing around awkwardly at The Lex! Keep an eye out for the redhead looking uncomfortable next time you gear yourself up to give stopping by a shot--that'll be me.) I can't personally speak as much to your point about femme-femme relationships, but the other two hit home something fierce.

I will say that I've managed to find some fantastic queer women here in the Bay Area who don't automatically disqualify me from queerdom by virtue of my bisexuality, and who refuse to let others do that to me, either. They're wonderful people and wonderful friends, and I would almost certainly not be out in my everyday life without them. But outside of those women, it can be pretty discouraging, I have to say. It was heartening to hear you mention that your own fear of exclusion might color your experience, but you're not sure to what extent, because I wonder about that all the time. I know I do fear that myself, very much, but I don't know whether I fear that in advance of it happening or whether I fear that because it's actually happening (or how much of either is the case). I know that at least some of it is me, but I'm fairly certain it's not *just* me, if that makes sense.

Again, great post, and many thanks to BW for sharing it. It's really heartening to see queer blogs invite in a variety of queer perspectives like this.

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TeaBea
10/27/2012 02:14:15 pm

Fantastic post. I have had very similar experiences as a (generally) femme 28-year-old bisexual/queer woman in SF. (Maybe we've run into each other standing around awkwardly at The Lex! Keep an eye out for the redhead looking uncomfortable next time you gear yourself up to give stopping by a shot--that'll be me.) I can't personally speak as much to your point about femme-femme relationships, but the other two hit home something fierce.

I will say that I've managed to find some fantastic queer women here in the Bay Area who don't automatically disqualify me from queerdom by virtue of my bisexuality, and who refuse to let others do that to me, either. They're wonderful people and wonderful friends, and I would almost certainly not be out in my everyday life without them. But outside of those women, it can be pretty discouraging, I have to say. It was heartening to hear you mention that your own fear of exclusion might color your experience, but you're not sure to what extent, because I wonder about that all the time. I know I do fear that myself, very much, but I don't know whether I fear that in advance of it happening or whether I fear that because it's actually happening (or how much of either is the case). I know that at least some of it is me, but I'm fairly certain it's not *just* me, if that makes sense.

Again, great post, and many thanks to BW for sharing it. It's really heartening to see queer blogs invite in a variety of queer perspectives like this.

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marketing link
5/3/2013 10:10:57 pm

Fantastic post. I have had very similar experiences as a (generally) femme 28-year-old bisexual/queer woman in SF. (Maybe we've run into each other standing around awkwardly at The Lex! Keep an eye out for the redhead looking uncomfortable next time you gear yourself up to give stopping by a shot--that'll be me.) I can't personally speak as much to your point about femme-femme relationships, but the other two hit home something fierce.

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