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Guest Post #8: How to Help Alleviate a Friend's Post-Breakup Blues

8/14/2012

10 Comments

 
One of my favorite BW fans (okay, you're all my favorites) went through a rough breakup back in May.  With a summer of healing under her dandy butch belt, she's emerged with some sage advice to share.  You can check out more of her writing at shpants.wordpress.com.
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eL! (photo by Tiffany Rodgers)
Hello, readers of Butch Wonders!  I like you already.  My name is eL, I'm in my early 30s, and I am a single butch.  I blog here and tweet here.  I identify as butch, queer (and faaabulous), and a bit of a fancy pants dandy.  Nice to meet you!

A couple months ago, I went through a pretty awful break-up.  (Who goes through a smooth, easy break-up?)  I was in a relationship that I felt pretty good/solid about, and it ended abruptly due to some personal issues (not my own).  During the post-break-up convalescing, I was treated to some well-intentioned but not-so-helpful comments from friends and family.  See below.

What NOT To Say to Someone Going Through A Break-Up
:
  • "It'll be okay."
  • "You'll find someone else."
  • "Her loss!"
  • "*hug*"
  • "I'm sorry."
  • "You can do better."
(lather. rinse. repeat.)

My point is that there's nothing good that you can say to someone who is going through a break-up.  That's the sad truth.  The best thing that you can do is listen.  Let them cry, let them talk, let them rant--just listen to them.  Also, spend time with them.  That helped me most in getting over my recent heartbreak--doing things with friends/family and getting out of the house. 

I think the worst part, for me, was that we had made plans for future events, things had been scheduled, tickets had been purchased.  All major events have since passed, I went to them with friends and family, and I am fine.  The dates themselves were harsh reminders at the time but I am so happy that they are over and I am past it.

If you have a friend who is going through a break-up, give them your time, attention, and patience.  Take your friend out to do something active and fun.  Think of something unique or unusual--something with no connection to their ex.  The more active, the better--get their mind off of the stress and sadness.  Respect them if they say they don't want to talk about it, but try your best not to tiptoe around them.   There's a fine line between showing love and making someone feel pitied.  You don't want them to feel looked down upon.  Try your best to be supportive, but not overbearing.

Personally, I try to err on the side of direct, rather than blunt, as best I can.  I will always ask questions and do a check-in.  A simple, "Are you okay?"  "How are you doing?" or "Is there anything I can do to help?" can make all the difference in the world.  So does the phrase "love you."  I love my friends so much and only want the best for them: to be happy, healthy and whole.

Take care of your hearts, BW readers.  And if you need a kind ear the next time you're going through a tough time, I'll gladly listen. 

10 Comments
Bren link
8/14/2012 02:54:32 am

Thanks for this, buddy. This, unfortunately, is all very close to home for me right now, but your words - and awesome advice - definitely help. :)

Reply
Butch Wonders link
8/14/2012 03:49:21 am

Very sorry to hear that this is close to home for you right now. Please know that we all love ya. BW

Reply
eL link
8/14/2012 07:11:12 am

Much love to you, Bren!

Reply
sunshine
8/14/2012 05:19:15 am

I think for me the hardest thing ,I learnt about breaking up you will have some women who will choose side and I guess I felt rejected because all these people were my friends first but def learnt a lesson who were real friends and who was not , just could not believe that but def a great lesson learnt

Reply
e
8/14/2012 06:32:49 am

Good advice. How about some more?
What do I say to my friend who has been dumped by her gf, suffered terribly, and now is periodically 'seeing' the ex - all the while insisting that they are not getting back together? 'Masochistic idiot' seems a little harsh...

Reply
eL link
8/14/2012 07:15:24 am

e,

That is a sticky situation.

Honestly, I have been in that place before. There's not much that you can do except continue to be a friend, as difficult as it may seem right now.

People break up for a reason, and (most likely) those two will break up for good - eventually.

For now be a friend, be supportive, try not to judge, be true to yourself, and be prepared to be there if/when things don't work out between them.

Reply
JD
8/15/2012 10:42:16 am

I'm having a rough summer in that respect as well. I thought we were dating, but according to her we weren't. So there I am calling her sweetie and sweetheart and she thinks I'm just being a friend who says these endearments.

Reply
eL link
8/15/2012 11:21:09 am

I'm sorry, JD. That completely sucks. Sometimes the line between friendship and relationship gets fuzzy .
Love to you.

Reply
Kerri
8/20/2012 11:04:56 am

eL thank you for this post... I related so well to this post!!! Hello from sunny Brisbane Australia. :)

Reply
eL link
11/28/2012 12:57:02 pm

Hi Kerri! Sorry for the delayed reply. Glad you could relate to and enjoyed the post!

Reply

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